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The trap of opposing what your parents want you to be

Interestingly, in opposing my parents, I get stuck in a even bigger trap.
Lets say, parents want me to be X.
So then the algorithm I use is to BE[Not X]
Which is the same as -(-1) which is NOT = 1, unlike what mathematics may say.
Another way to put it is, a negative[negative] does not make a positive.
It in fact makes it even more complicated than 2x of the original negative.
In the task of opposing something totally I become more limited and narrow than the original thing itself.
I become even more narrow because now I am preoccupied with 3 things:
X, opposing X/finding its opposite, choosing to not be X.

This process is counterproductive because my ultimate reason for this opposition is to be FREE.
But this opposition puts me in an even bigger trap than the original trap of an image being imposed on me.
The solution here seems to be pointing towards LETTING GO of resistance and simply flowing as smoothly and unattached as possible.
In a way, I have further crystallized X by opposing it, when the goal itself was to let go of X in order to be something free’er and larger.
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Labels vs Actuals

Aphorism:
A rose by any other name, would still smell as sweet.
Corollary:
A foul smelling flower would still smell foul, even if you call it a rose.

So relationship, family, friends, marriage, relatives – all of them are just LABELS.
Look under the label to see the actual flower.
See the actuals, not the labels.
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Journey into my deepest values

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What I am is ultimately what I value.
As I go deep into my contemplative journey,
To discover my truest and deepest value,
To discover my true original essence,
I am plunged into a catharsis, a purging

I listen to myself deeply,
And ask, what do you love
I go silent and try to feel the answer, the vibration
As I journey into this question
I feel like I’m drawn more and more into an abyss
I am taken away from the world of forms
Into subtle boundless feelings
I’m am unable to go much further for much longer
As my ego pulls my “focus” back on the world of form

The journey within takes me into an abyss, a catatonia, a coma like state, a formless state, a state approaching deep sleep.
A pure boundless/infinite feeling space.
By this I can see, that my love for specific forms has been lost.
What I love/value now, has become much more diffuse and subtle.

And in this alchemical journey,
I feel like my value is vacating this world.
I am being drawn to the ocean depths of my psyche.
The dark deep blue where very little light is present.
I cannot see anything here
I only feel, all is “feeling” here

In this condition, it is clear that the job of my ego now is to let go.
My soul cathexis has vacated its structures,
It therefore no longer has energy to BE.
It is undergoing an organic dissolution
I feel like I’ve entered and ventured so deep into the ocean waters
I have lost my desire for the surface waters

All my attachments pull on me
It is as if your monthly salary is gradually being reduced
And this is straining the edifice of all of my lifestyle
I let go more and more of form
Until there is no-thing
Until there is no-thing left to lose anymore

This brings the transcendent void, infinite diffused feeling focus.
I am now a deep ocean creature and live in a mystical no-thingness subtle space
This state reminds me of sleep, it approaches it.
With more and more relinquishing of attachment I am able to go deeper and deeper.
Trust becomes a major issue, and fears kick in to constantly concentrate my focus energy on my most pressing issues.
I no longer “know” where I am going and am trusting the unknown more and more.
For knowledge is just a crutch we most often cling to to compensate for our lack beliefs, fear beliefs, and mistrust.
I am being swallowed by a force larger than myself and returning.
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The process of creation and growth

The process of creation involves the following cycles:
Chaos -> Structure 1 -> Chaos -> Structure 2 -> Chaos….and so on
No essence(soul, monad) is retained between the structures, except the totality(God) itself.

The process of growth is similar, but it retains an essential quality which grows:
Chaos -> Structure 1 -> Structure1 + Chaos -> Structure2….and so on

It seems like by this model:
Creation is a cycle while Growth is a process.

Lets say, the Monad or individual soul only lasts one lifetime and does not span across lifetimes.
This model is in line with the teachings of ‘Nisargadatta Maharaj’ who experienced no persisting essence beyond the body whatsoever.
In that case, it would mean the spark of the essential monad appears in a primordial total chaos(before birth) and this spark initiates the whole birth-growth-death process.
Another possibility could be: The monad could last multiple lifetimes spanning multiple realms.

Another totally different model itself, would be:
Where we are endlessly growing from life to life.
Where there is an individual soul essence(monad), that grows forever.
But interesting, this model limits creativity.
Because TOTAL CREATIVITY -> REQUIRES TOTAL DISSOLUTION
Otherwise there is still the limitation of the original essence.
And the “Growth” concept can only apply until there is an enduring essence.
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Searching and engaging in “Focus potentials”

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What I keep searching for is – “POTENTIALS for focus”, in my “experience space”.
Once I choose the best suited potential focus, I then kineticize it(zoom into that portion of the fractal) and enjoy the “trip/journey” that it contains.
Then once I’m done, I again scan my experience space for potential focuses.
Boredom is when I cannot find a strong focus potential, and when all my energy is used in testing and choosing/decision making i.e. testing various potentials to see which one can bring the best overall coherence and meaning to my experience.
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Matter and Spirit

Matter = Piano and its keys = biological instrument with its gross-subtle-subtlest components.
Spirit = The forces playing the piano, playing the biological instrument.

Matter is also spirit only.
Matter is spirit in frozen form.
We could also say, everything is basically one spirit in the spectrum of forces of:
Changing(Spirit) —–|—–Unchanging(Matter)
This ONE spectrum is separated into 2 halves, creating the spirit-matter dualism.
From the ultimate picture, it is all ONE grand mystery of movement.
The distinction between matter and spirit is similar to how we divide visible light into 7 colors.
Its all one spectrum, one light, but based on its phenomenological characteristics we break it apart into 7 colors.
You trying to understand the universe is like God living inside his own mysterious creation.
Could that the point of creation? God exploring his own mysterious nature through various forms/various points of view/various subjects?
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Contemplation on the unity of opposites

Structuring vs. De-structuring Forces
Good vs. Evil
Right vs. Wrong
Positive vs. Negative
Day vs. Night
Solid vs. Emptiness
Something vs. Nothing
White vs. Black
Improving vs. Degenerating
Existence vs. Non-existence
Birth vs. Death
Known vs. Unknown
Past vs. Future
Voluntary vs. Involuntary
Doing vs. Happening
Inbreath vs. Outbreath
Self vs. Other
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Following the Desire to change something never works

My desires and emotions are giving me a message about reality like “mathematics”.
I will listen to that directly without “resistance” or “desire to change it”.
“Desire to change something” is always a “Reaction” and not an “Action”.
This can be understood, by looking at “Forces” and Structures”
( Martial arts clearly demonstrates this principle in a tangible physical manner
Here is a wing-chun video that demonstrates this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r85CAAxJfQ )
A structure generates force, no structure = no force
So, desires and emotions are “forces” generated by an underlying “structure”.

The reality I experience is analogous to where I put my focus/attention.
When I INVEST in the DESIRE to change something, then I am investing my attention energy into the FORCE and not the STRUCTURE generating the force.
So as a result, I only become aware of the FORCE and the places it takes me to, and not of the structure itself that generated the force in the first place.
Consequently, the “STRUCTURE” which is the very thing I want to change, never enters my awareness (because I am too busy chasing the FORCE), and change is as a result – IMPOSSIBLE.

That is why Einstein said “A problem can never be solved at the level of consciousness in which it originated”.
Only transcending to a subtler level allows the structure to enter your awareness.

Letting go of the desire to change something, and BEING with the something, is the only way I can see the very structure and not get caught up by the paths created by the forces generated by the structure.
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About values, judgment, discrimination, forces, points of view

Infinite(Ocean) -> Belief Structure(Drop point of view) -> Values(To connect to all other drops with similar values) -> Judgment(The seeing of other drops’ values through the host drop’s values)
“What you value” is the same as “What you want” is the same as “What you Desire” is the same as “Your Interest”.
Value = Want = Desire = Interest = Passion.
Also, Discrimination = Judgment.

To know yourself, is to know your genetic desires/forces, your biological desires/forces, your conditioning created desires/forces.
Everything is a force.
You are a force, interacting with other forces.
There is only a dance of forces.
Knowing yourself is to know your forces – that will enable you to know the most harmonious interaction/relationship possible with the other.
If you don’t know yourself (your forces), then harmonious interaction will be a matter of chance, as you blindly try various experiments with various people.
What will you die for? That represents your transcendent soul value.

The question might be, can I see others without the lens of judgment?
Is there something called “objective seeing”?
The answer to this takes me into esoteric inquiry.
The situation here reminds me of the hologram.
Every point in the hologram contains the whole.
The hologram concept unites: Unity and Multiplicity.
The large number of points present in the hologram represents multiplicity.
Whereas, the fact that each contains the whole represents unity.
Each point sees the whole from its point of view.
So actualization is to see the infinite from your point of view.
So I could probably conclude, we are all evolving towards actualizing and expanding our own point of view (expanding who we are) and relating with more and more of other points of view (expanding our relations).

Another more day to day analogy might be:
We are all basically like different flavors of icecream.
The fact that we are all icecream in essence is the UNITY aspect.
The fact that each of us has a unique flavor is the MULTIPLICITY aspect.

That is why, I am the infinite God, and you are an infinite God too.
I see you in myself, you see me in yourself (total interpenetration of being).
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Vacating the emotional body

I have vacated my feeling body, and living in my thinking body only.
My feeling body has been forsaken.
So the feeling body is full of pain/chaos/disharmony/pain from the lack of attention.
I would go into the feeling body only through the “thinking body vehicle” as if I am doing an excavation in a ruins site by safely visiting it via a closed vehicle.
I need to instead go underneath the mental body, deep dive into directly feeling the pure emotions and sort it out at the liquid-feeling-level itself, by keeping consciousness with it without disowning/abandoning it.
That is the betrayal, that is the abandonment, that is the emptiness.
That neglect is what has left the feeling body is chaos/ruin/vagaries ruled by pure subconscious chaotic random forces.
It is a disowning. And that part of me is in constant chaos.
So the way out would be through loving and staying with all that pain continuously as a commitment unflinchingly.
That eternal commitment is love, to stay with it unconditionally no matter what.
If I cannot do this for myself, then how I can I do it for any other?
The emotional reality is the bedrock prior to the thinking reality which only really gets active around 8 years of age.
Its time to deep dive and do a reclamation. Those ruins are mine.
The idea is to examine that with non-resistance and non-effort, where does consciousness go – and being with that completely and never vacating that OBJECT.
Emotions frighten me as a result, because I am helpless against my own emotions.
I work with emotions indirectly through the mind/thought in an indirect way and use all kinds of deflections from directly-squarely accepting and owning the direct chaos and pain.
And what I don’t accept/own/reclaim will persist in its “rookie state of development” until it receives my undivided attention/commitment/love.
That is the only thing that ever healed anything anyway.

So what’s the answer? – Sit with the pain, Own the pain, Commit to never leave it, and stay with it unconditionally (love it).
That genuine, unflagging unremitting, incessant commitment to BE with all of your feeling at the deepest imaginable/accessible levels is what will ultimately serve.