I could see myself switching between the 2 modes: social mode of thinking and my personal mode. I was the arbiter choosing between those 2. It seemed like the ‘external world’ was far out, and my ‘self and emotions’ were much much nearer to me. There was a clear sensation of the ‘me perception’ (self and emotions) I was carrying around. The self was a baggage I was carrying around. A psychic object made of energy.
Also I could see my ‘Will’ center was very very deep. In fact I could almost not find it at all. The command just comes from the infinite space behind, and it materialized itself and accordingly shifted my focus. I could see that I am the creator of all perception, I create it by virtue of my choice. The self was the filter which restricted this choice making and seemed to make it follow patterns and meta-patterns.
The more I withdraw and let go, the deeper I go. By this logic, it seems certain that maximal equanimity with super depth would give me the experience of infinity or deep sleep. As I go backwards and see everything as one substance ‘knowing’, I can see that there is nothing but the movement of knowing (including the self psychic structure(filter/focuser)) which is happening by itself. There is no experience of a separate doer OR the ‘doer’ and the ‘done’ are the same. All awareness content is aware of itself, there is no agent. All manifestation in perception is because you will it into existence.
Thoughts about Shiva and Prakriti analogy:
Its like shiva (awareness) and prakriti (dance). There are infinite such combinations(prakriti) available for the self(shiva) to participate in, but the self is free to choose and completely withdraw to nothingness if it desires so. The real ‘you’ is like the kid in the park(shiva) free to choose any game(infinite games created by prakriti) to play. Another way to describe would be shiva is ‘space’, prakriti is ‘content’. The space is free to choose among its own infinite contents or withdraw from everything and stay as no-thingness. The self is free to choose any level in this spectrum. The self is also free to decide what level of involvement it wants, with what games.
Detachment and true choice:
Attachments (even the subtlest ones) are the prison preventing this freedom. The longing to escape the self is the longing to escape attachment. Attachment and fear are the same thing. Attachment IS a fear in essence. True choice itself can only happen with true detachment (True detachment == fearlessness). Otherwise, if attached, what freedom do you have to choose anything?
Refinement of the analogy:
In fact, even this analogy can be improvised. It is not even an external game(prakriti) that the self(shiva) participates in, with the self being separate from the game. Its more like, the self itself has infinite potentials of modulating patterns within its own substance.
Its like imagine your computer monitor or TV came alive and it show display any picture it wanted (infinite potential for pictures). The same applies to ‘experience’. We are the infinite potential space for experience. The potential for modulation is ‘prakriti’ and space or nature is ‘shiva’.
Shiva = nature, Potential = prakriti.
I can take this even further. Space itself is an experience, time itself is an experience. So the only thing I can rightly call it would be ‘no-thingness’ (the ‘-‘ is intentional, indicating it is no thing and beyond everything). Because any ‘thing’ is only one of its potentials out of an infinite number. It is this vast undefined no-thing in which something appears. So all the contents of experience, is only an appearance (among infinite such appearances).