Sex is a pleasure object that is so outside your egoic control. When you really want it, you don’t get it. When you’re in an average mood, you get it. Then the whole power game kicks in with questions like: Why should I do it when you want, when you don’t give it to me when I want it? This lack of control about the whole experience and you being at the mercy of luck and your partner is so ego-destroying. It makes me a slave at the whim of my master. My master is actually the attachment to the pleasure I get from it. My partner would be the agent for evoking the pleasure, so in a way, she is the master. It makes me feel vulnerable, pathetic, pitiable, helpless, a slave, and at the mercy and whim of my master. It gives so much of my power away to the other person. It makes me feel like a puppet which the other person can abuse. It’s so demeaning, humiliating, hurtful and insulting. The entire internet keep ramming into my head that it’s the most pleasurable thing in the world even more than all drugs. Then why don’t I have access to it? Am I supposed to just wait my entire life at the mercy of someone who would provide me that? Too dis-empowering! Why is it such a pain to get sex when you exactly want it? Why is the sexual part of all my relationships always kind of pressured, non-optimal, guilt inducing and so ego based? There has to be some pleasure FAR better than sex so that I can get rid of this bondage forever.
Love is another word I started hating. It’s an endless waiting and it feels so competitive. Every person I see happy in love makes me die a little bit inside. In the world around me, it seems like I have to really slog my ass off to make someone love me. At least if it was that way, I would have a definite path. Then it gets even more complicated when you realize, you cannot force it, it will just happen. Well it’s not happening and I am acutely aware of that. Even when I hear the word love or say it, I feel a lot of discomfort in my chest.