A somewhat strange/novel thing has happened to me recently. I have been intensely questioning and seeing various mind bending kind of youtube videos for the past 1.5months. It had almost reached the peak of its intensity around a week back. Three days back in the afternoon, I tried a guided meditation for around 25 mins and reached a hynogogia state which was the deepest in a while. After coming out of it, I could feel the boiling water like flashes in front of my eyes, similar to the way we see when just woken up from a dream. Then, that day night I decided to sleep early at 12:30am. This was unusual since I usually slept at 3:30am. When I got up in the morning, I was surprised to find that I was surprisingly awake and not groggy. This awake feeling has a different feel to it. It was like there is something beyond my body and brain that is awake. It lasted throughout the day. In the night, I was feeling elated for no specific reason and I couldn’t pinpoint it. It was like my experience baseline was uplifted and my conscious mind was blanker than usual. It was really quiet. Even if I put effort into thinking a thought, the thought did not affect my emotional state. This was highly unusual. Usually even if I was in a good mood, I would get affected by bad thoughts but this state seemed to be the same unaffected by thoughts. I looked up this on the net and found out that it was called “Affective ego”. Meditation affects the affective ego. In my experience it seemed to have reduced it by around 50%. So I felt pleasurable feelings and painful ones with only 50% deviation and the basic baseline was elevated. I feel a sense of freshness, brightness and clarity which is difficult to put in words. Also I do not feel sleepy for the entire day till 12:30am in the night.
The best analogy I can give is that, imagine an AC filter that keeps getting clogged often. You take it out, clean it a bit and again it gets clogged after a while. Imagine if the filter itself is punctured. Then the cool blast of air would come out from the hole in full force and the filter wouldn’t affect it. If I compare, the filter is probably my false self. Maybe it has suddenly loosened up releasing the real self energy which is the cool blast of air.
This seems to be a hockey stick graph kind of development since I’ve been trying meditating for 2 yrs almost but nothing has created such a strong impact till date. The odd part about this experience is that, your wellbeing level is so high that your afraid you may lose your sensitivity for pleasure. If you cannot feel pain at all, how can you enjoy the pleasure. Similarly, since the connection between automatic thoughts and emotions has been broken to an extent it creates a very different experience. My emotional memory seems to have suddenly faded. I cannot recreate any powerful feelings by using thought. The positive feelings and negative feelings created by thoughts are numbed and I can feel an elevated baseline. As of now, its a mixed bag, but I’m learning to enjoy and appreciate this new state.
PS: The experience lasted for around 3 days total. After that, I got back to my old self.