Ramblings – 2apr

A strange thing is happening. The more awareness and equanimity im bringing in from moment to moment, the more im feeling I do not know anything. My thought process itself is continually warped by my moods, diet, situation and environment. I seem to be more objective at times and subjective at the others. Even in those sporadic objective moments, I can see that I have a lot of beliefs that are still holding me back and that there is room for even more of it. I feel the wall of my ego in the forehead and middle chest that is protecting me in some way. It seems to serve a deep purpose, something which I cannot fathom yet. My chest feels like a huge pit that wants to be filled. Whenever I long for things, the pit gets even deeper and begs me to do actions that fill it.

What do I trust now? I cannot trust my senses, feelings, thoughts, beliefs. All I can do is be open, vulnerable, helpless – maintaining equanimity and observe. The only thing that seems to be constant is me observing. Not the pleasant/unpleasant moods, feelings, sensations etc. Everything else seems to be highly dynamic and fast. Too fast for me to hold on to, process in my working memory and understand. Its like a flowing river on which we impose this illusion of control. I used to believe that insight would make permanent changes. In a way they do, but these changes are usually subtle just like when you just hit the gym, your muscles pump up and then come back to their original size. So insight itself might be a state of mind which I cannot hold on for too long in this flowing river.

There is this illusion of significance in society and standards for defining yourself. If you do not conform you stand to lose A LOT w/o identification. Without people to relate to, the energy level drops by a huge amount and you just start feeling lifeless and purposeless. Why cant every moment, action be equally significant if that is the truth? The irony is that you simply cannot make people think that way since it is just too ingrained. I’m fortunate to have explored this aspect and unfortunate because I cannot amplify and grow those feelings with society. Society is like a bonfire and I’m like a single candle. I need much much more energy. I need to create and need to be heard. I want to identify and amplify. This is lonely and low, I don’t feel alive or important. My behavior and feelings are manipulated by the my perception of the people around me. I don’t seem to have much control. Its like the feelings work at a more fundamental level which I wish to tap or control. I think the problem is something at the belief level. I believe that other people are somehow right no matter how many intellectual games I play with myself. It seems like I derive my formula for survival from other people. At some level, I’m simply overwhelmed by the expectations of society and I want to rise above it. I find ways to escape and to preserve my sanity by exploring topics that are extremely broad in the clouds. I live in the clouds for a while and then I’m dragged back down to the ground where I get disoriented among all the other settlers. I need to master survival at ground level and then only i can move up to the clouds w/o worry.

Something feels like these problems which I faced in childhood are simply not going away. The exact same problems are festering me in different problems. I was under the impression that they would go away as I grow up but they seem persistent. I need to really observe harder and extract the blueprint that is causing these problems. With awareness I can clearly see, patterns repeating themselves. The completely different situations just masquerade the same underlying problems. Along with identifying them, I need to simultaneously work on them because I could spend a whole lifetime just understanding. Deep understanding itself would eliminate almost all the problems but maybe I could work on the ones that impact me the most first and then actualize it.

I want to be heard, understood, respected, revered, loved. I want to inspire, motivate, energize people. I want to belong at least somewhere. I want to be instrumental in helping myself and others reach their true potential in the purest sense. I want to understand things truly and pass it on. I want to help others and be part of win-win situations and get out of this scarcity mentality.

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