Rejection/ignoring my own hate potentials

When hate enters consciousness, I am left in a dilemma.
Like say there is an object X{a,b,c}, and I enjoy the whole object.
But suppose someone says ‘b quality of Object X sucks’.
Then instantly, I feel his hate, his hate of ‘b’, it mirrors in my consciousness too, which means I have that quality/potential too.
Then immediately I get into that frozen dilemma whether to get rid of ‘b’ or let it stay/let go.
The part of me that cares about my well-being wants me to put boundaries, but the part of me that wants to transcend and be whole wants to remove all boundaries.
So there is always a war between the part of me that wants to enhance my self, and the death drive part of me that wants to transform/transcend and be the whole.
My whole life has been a lot about unwanted perceptual visitors who come and leave as they please – and whenever they come, I have this war between those dual motivations causing profound ambivalence, confusion, stuckness/frozenness about what to do, and stress.
Because of having porous ego boundaries, I was always subjected to intrusions from the outside which would compromise my structural integrity.
So in a sense I was always diseased (dis-eased).
Generally a psychologist or a healer would tell me – you are an empath, so you need to strengthen your boundaries.
I am totally aware of that and have read vast amounts of literature about that too.
But apart from the part of me that wants structural integrity, the deeper part of me wants to die into the whole (what they call the upper death drive – desire to end the ego/self).
And this upper death drive is absolutely unreasonable, and operates irrespective of the actions of all the other forces in me.
It hates boundaries and limitation, and is willing to give into dying in order to transcend.

Mechanism of hate:
The hate enters in my space from the spew of family or friends -> constantly or randomly but I know it is coming -> So even when it is not there, I brace myself for it.
I constantly live in fear as a result.
Once they actually utter the hate words, then it really enters -> now my perception is marred.
Again I am stuck as to what to do.
Basically I feel powerless to get rid of it and assert my original view because that much of EGOIC WILL POWER and CONTROL is absent for me (porous weak ego structure and boundaries).
So I am stuck with a negative emotion, and fighting it is not possible because it will be a real struggle and since I do not have the power, resistance would be futile too.
But if I just leave it then a part of me constantly suffers it as long as it is present.
It is like having a low psychological immune system with porous boundaries.
Pathogens, viruses, bacteria can easily infect the system, and then I either let the infection eat me up, or fight it without much effect.
And most of the time, these infecting agents leave me on their own accord.
But I am sort of helpless to them.
Another major point is that, these agents are not external.
They are MY potentials triggered by other’s emotional charge towards things.
So my unconscious machinery releases this hate/rejection energy, the energies that I try to keep walled away and hide from. I avoid them by not facing hardcore social interaction and living more like a hermit.
Because I sense solid negativity in everybody.
But then I realized, there is also solid negativity in me.
Because their negativity triggers mine.
In fact from a non-dual view, it is MY negativity only.
I am not able to avoid or push away the shadow.
The shadow is devouring me and will end all of me.
I try my best to face it, but endless stuff keeps coming up and greatly diminishes my will, well-being and even survival.
It is basically all the stuff I ignored, and I have to let all that stuff destroy me now into the worst possible chaos(which is death).
Only then can I operate as a whole again.
My wish is to die into the whole, then be reborn AS the whole.

All is the ONE from different points of view

I had a few questions I was pondering about:
1 – Is Buddha better than Hitler?
2 – Is a Human better than an Ant?
3 – Why are only some recognized in the world, while others stay in the shadow all their lives?
4 – Why are only some people even seen, while others remain mostly unseen all their lives?
5 – We receive a programming which we do not consciously choose, and that determines whether we are enablers/good players in the societal dominance hierarchy OR whether we are outcasts/misfits/hermits/rejects/marginalized/fringe members in the game of society. What determines that?
6 – What is the higher truth regarding these matters?

As I pondered on these questions, I saw a much larger picture and context which answered them.
The higher truth I saw was that we all are the entire universe/ONE experienced from different points of view, and that consciousness is always infinite and absolute.

pov

Even the contents are just a play of foreground and background OR implicit and explicit.
The whole is always present which is [Implicit+Explicit].
The whole is playing within itself and exploring its own mysterious nature/possibilities/forms and looking at itself from different points of view.
It always stays whole (at all times), and therefore it is perfect at all times.
The whole is unchanging in its essential nature no matter what possibility it is exploring or what game it is playing.
It is just like how your computer screen stays undisturbed no matter what image it displays (each image is after all only one of the potentials of the computer screen).

The popular knows he is that through the unpopular and vice versa.
So both the popular and unpopular have access to both.
The whole only shifted its point of view between the popular and unpopular person.

The have/s live in fear, the have-not/s live in desire.
If you have something that someone else wants, they will want to take it from you – so you will live in fear and defense.
If you do not have something that the other has, you will desire to take it from them – so you will live in desire and scheming.
This can be as literal or abstract, depending on the case.
So identification with any CONTENT in consciousness will create desire or fear.
Whatever you are not – you will have to become – therefore you seek
Whatever you are – you can lose – therefore you protect
This is a double bind, if you are trying to find happiness.
I see real joy, happiness, and love can only be found in transcended freedom, else there is inevitably going to be the energetic contraction/limitation in the form of desire or fear.

So [creation destruction] keeps happening, it is just a flowing dream.
To reiterate, The whole = explicit+implicit.
So if your explicit reality is not good, your implicit one is (which is what you use as a background to even judge that your explicit reality is not good).
Similarly, if your explicit reality is good, then your implicit is not (that is how you can even know your explicit reality is good).
You have to always hold the opposite quality within you to apprehend the quality in front of you.
So to whatever number the dice of reality rolls, the other numbers of the dice are always present around it.
It is just the difference in the point of view.
The whole ALWAYS stays whole through any movement or any transformation.
Its essential nature has always remained the same as ‘CONSCIOUSNESS’.