I desire ‘alive sensation’



The expenditure of karmic energy potentials


I see experience as a curriculum of ‘karmic energy potentials’ for this lifetime.
Like the picture here showing Van Gogh’s famous starry sky, we could visualize ourselves as the whole space(the whole field) in true essence, and all the stars are all the container of various potential experiences we are to experience in this life.
Or I could say our soul/heart contains all these star experience potentials.
Each star then continuously expends its energy.
There are stars of various sizes, and the brightest ones tend to take up the most of our attention and may represent core characteristics of our identity whose qualities shine on us no matter where we are on this field.

Our observer point then starts accelerating along a certain path – the orbit of which is created such that we would have drunk the experience from all the stars energy on completion.
We have a certain degree of choice energy embedded in the observer point too.
So generally we choose to live through the pleasurable ones first (large gas giants and low density stars – which represent high vibrations) and identify our self as them (the white fish in yin-yang) and this forms the day period of our lives, and when all the pleasure-stars have exhausted their fuel of experience, they all vanish and we enter the night of our lives and experience all the other wonders and terrors of the various smaller night stars which mostly represent our repressed shadows/non-egoic potentials (dis-identified disavowed parts under the iceberg). This night journey represents the dark night of soul which our heart lives through.

Then once all the difficult dense energy stars (sadness, grief, pain etc. and the low vibration parts) exhaust their potentials too, then the journey completes itself and we are freed from the heart and union with the formless field as DELIGHT.

Dark night of soul – The longing for rest


I feel so much of tiredness/lassitude/fatigue/blankness.
I cannot bring the formless to form using my power.
There is no will, interest, or energy to do so.
I am too tired to focus and object-ify anything.
My desire is to relax further and further into the formless and to rest in the ground of being.

I am too tired to do the self-ing action(self-ing is a verb, we self ourselves into existence, it is an unconscious effort)
My self has lost all potency of becoming.
Rather, I want to relax myself out of objectified existence.
All my drive is towards unbecoming now.
Everything is blank as I enter into a barely/dimly conscious dissociative space.
A state which I knew since earliest childhood, it feels familiar.
A state of blankness and void.

I feel a loss of desire/interest/will/force/potency of all mental powers, faculties as I relax.
This also removes all ambitions, hopes, investments, ideals, goals, which rest over and above the former powers.
It is like gradually falling asleep and entering the hypnogogic symbolic state of fluid mind and staying there.
My signal is tuning out and relaxing and entering the primordial ground of being.

There is only a flow, and very weak selves arise, morph, or pass.
I feel a loss of all powers from this relaxation – a relaxing of the self-ing power itself back into the void/blankness/spontaneous happening.
The insight I get is that, it is the “ground of being” that emerges out of itself as SELF-ing and then DE-SELFs and relaxes back into itself. (creating the cycle of becoming and unbecoming, just like the day and night cycle).
I am only dimly conscious of objects, mostly just of a broad boundary-less abstract blank.

I cannot tighten my mental muscles to focus on any objects, there is no will to do so.
My relaxation takes me into the objectless/formless/timeless/limbo/symbolic, and I cannot OBJECT-IFY or FOCUS.
All I wish for is a deep sleep back into non-existence/void/whatever my substrate is.
I am just tired weary and wish for SLEEP.
I feel like it is 3am for my soul, which is just waiting for a deep sleep back into itself.

I see insights like “All of life is relationship”.
And now I am de-coloring/de-cathecting all my relationships to objects and sinking back into the formless, timeless, wholeness, and unknowable void.
Just like we have bright daytime activity and the sleep of night, I intuit the soul too has days and nights.
I wish for a safe sleep into the ground of being.
My process now, is to remove all blockages, responsibilities, bondage and relationships that are preventing full rest and keeping me up.
Maybe a time will come after I sleep when I want to rejoin the world in inspiration, excitement, love, and fervor.
But now is the night for me.
I want to sink back to my source.
I want to die into the abstract.
This also reflects the title of my blog “Journey to the abstract”.

Prayer of a weary soul


[I] hand over my really tired, weak, and weary desireless exhausted [self] over to thee
There [is] an incredible amount of emptiness in [me]
[I’m] barely conscious
Like [I] have been fully knocked out
There [is] not much left in [me] to put up a fight or resist.
[I] can barely stand on my own feet, let alone walk
What [is] this deathly condition?
[I] feel heavy, encumbered, overwhelmed, paralyzed, burdened, weary and can barely keep my head up
[A] severe deficiency of will power/desire/energy
The viruses or entropic agents within are getting the better of me, and [I] have exhausted [my] fight now
[I] can no longer ward off this inevitable destruction
So [I] stop resisting and surrender to death or total transformation
Which [is] what [I] avoided, most of [my] life
Why resist [the] inevitable? This has always been waiting for me anyway
So [I] give myself fully into [the] fire and chaos of transformation
[I] am actually dying into [the] fire of life
[My] avoidance of death [is] the avoidance of life
Because to give [oneself] into the fire, is to give in to 100% change or the ‘life process’ itself
[I] am fulfilling “Thy shall be done”
[I] have no belief anymore regarding what is on the other side
Because to have belief [is] to not give in sincerely
[I] am willingly entering the chaos of profound unknowing
Paradoxically entering this space [is] giving me profound knowings
How can [this] ever make logical sense?
How can [the] substrate underneath every possible contradiction make sense?
[I] previously lived in the digital world whereas now [I] am collapsing into the analog world
[The] analog world of the felt presence of direct indescribable experience
[I] know not where [I] am going, [I] have no map
[I] realize true life is the full entry into mystery and this is also a full entry into dying each moment
Each time [I] fully refresh and re-cognize, [I] create vacuum for the unimaginable to enter
This pulse of life [I] feel [is] similar to the pulse of breath [1/0]
[I] take a breath in fully leaving no gaps -> [I] Experience/Feel it fully -> [I] release it fully leaving a total vacuum
The more [I] give in to the fire, [I] see [I] am none of what I believed [I] was
[I] am a witness of this flow and all is changing
[I] drop into the [Abyss] and lose my [self]
[I] see nothing of true value is ever lost
The [self] BEHOLDS everything, but holds nothing
Like a mirror, Like water and its reflections
Every loss [is] gain
A trading of [the] finite for the infinite

Your experience is the relativity of your soul development to the world’s condition


Only when your desires grow large enough, does the world-game get painful.
Only after that stage is there a motivation for transcendence.
And this game getting painful happens from worlds beyond, like how the baby suddenly finds itself too large in the mother’s womb and wants an out.
Neither is the mother determining what happens within the womb nor is the baby controlling its growth speed.
They are only witnesses to the happening.
The baby simply finds itself in that situation. The baby’s nature of growth and the nature of the womb is already determined from levels above.
Everything is just following its nature.
When we grow enough, the world’s bounds start to rub against us.
The greater this perception of limitation, the more is the desire for transcendence.
So there is a spectrum:
Super happy people —————————- Extremely world weary people
The super happy people are like new borns within the womb of the world system.
When their soul reaches enough maturity, their desire becomes much greater and this world system and condition is very dissatisfying.
So whether or not you find the world pleasurable/wonderful depends on the relativity of you soul growth to the world’s condition.
Very new souls find this world wonderful.
Very advanced souls find this world terribly imprisoning.
Whether or not the container you are in is a prison or not, depends on your size(growth level) relative to the prison boundaries.
Just like the analogy of how the tiny 1 cm baby experiences itself in a vast womb, but then later it hits the walls of the womb and starts stretching the walls into the 7th, 8th and 9th months finally to make the passage way out – the final throes before transcendence.

Passing through various selves

Earth is a realm, not a defined place. It is like a particular dream-scape.
I also see that all enjoyment comes from the desire of the soul.
This desire then mobilizes us -> towards its actualization in this plane.
The desires of the soul themselves are given to the soul by a subtler higher power.
Without desires, a soul is dry. The soul (individualized consciousness) then dies into the larger self.
Awareness fades, along with fading desires.
Awareness/focus is maintained by desire only.
The greatest focus/memory/power is available when one is conduiting one’s highest desire.
This greatest desire present mobilizes/utilizes all resources (memory, intelligence, action) towards its actualization.
There is always a highest desire present at every moment (notice it).
This highest desire keeps changing/evolving too, at every moment.
The very very subtle desires tend to stay more constant, just like the scenery at horizon slowly moving as you look out of the window of a fast train.
To find your truest self is to find the subtlest/deepest/most pervasive self that is almost (tends to ->) unchanging.
Is there such an unchanging self? It is a journey of [tends to] -> infinity.
So as we delve into what is unchanging relatively in the spectrum present in the screen of consciousness:
(gross) Changing ————–|self 4|———|self 3|—–|self 2|——|self 1|—- Unchanging (subtle)
Self 1 might be the self that is the oversoul
Self 2 might be your spirit force (spanning many realms)
Self 3 might be your individualized soul
Self 4 might be your ego identity structure in this earth realm
And so on…
The point to note here is that, all selves exist and operate together, one superimposed on the other.
The gross selves superimpose themselves over the subtle selves and are more limited and coarser than the subtler ones.
So we go through varying degrees of dissolution to reach higher selves/higher realities.
For example: If self 4(ego) dissolutes, we reach self 3(individualized soul)….and so on.
So we can assume that after every death of a grosser self, a subtler self is present behind it.
It might also be the case that we are veiled from the subtler selves.
Which means, it would not be possible to even feel the presence of the subtler self in your grosser self state.
So if you dissolute self 4, you may encounter a blank nothing/wall/abyss in the veil until you fully pass through it and only then will the awareness of self 3 be available to you.