The cycles of expansion and contraction

Inbreath – Outbreath
Heart contraction – Heart relaxation
Connection – Disconnection
Association – Dissociation
Mental well being – Mental haze/confusion
Emotional well being – Emotional upset
Physical well being – Physical pain
Union – Separation
Expansion – Contraction
Excitement – Fear
Relationship – Isolation

Meeting a twin-flame


When I saw her the first time,
There was instant recognition,
That instant recognition was instant love,
Instant oneness, Instant connection,
Instant comfort, Instant understanding.
I knew I knew her intimately,
Beyond how much she knew about herself.
I have known her forever.
Like meeting a long lost friend.
Like meeting an old lover from a past life.
Like meeting someone from the same soul family,
Made of the same dough.

Big Bang and Black hole

Big bang ——- Black hole
Birth ———- Death
Pure Greed —– Pure Fear
Ecstasy ——– Peace
Activity ——- Rest
Total expansion —- Total contraction
Breathing in ——- Breathing out
Light ————– Darkness
Relationship ——- Withdrawal

The pendulum of life swings between these poles.
That is the true existential part.
The rest is our freedom and our creation.

Your internal and external lives are reflections of each other

Balanced internal life = Balanced external life.
Extreme internal life = Extreme external life.
Total internal awareness = Total external awareness
Internal extreme tunneled investments = External extreme tunneled investments.
Internal imbalances => reflected in the external as external imbalances.

Many extreme people view relationship as:
Conflict, Resistance, Strife, War, Violence, Pain.
The problem here is of degree and not of essence.
Like if I take a knife and ever so gently graze your skin, it will feel scintillating.
But if I do it with more force, it will cut the skin, sharply hurt, and leave a bruise.
So the problem in the latter case was simply the intensity.

In a world filled with limitation of various degrees,
If we try to do things with unlimited passion,
Either we will break or the thing will break.
Relationships are a limited possibility.
It has a certain place, a certain potential,
After which it will start to hurt and pain more and more.
This kind of violence can be addictive too,
Because it is controlled by you.
I would think this is a similar reason,
Why people cut themselves.
Because it is a pain that you can control and administer to yourself.
So by fighting with people, even if it hurts, you are controlling it.
And that might give a relief at a different level.
You could similarly, subject yourself to controlled mental pain too,
Say by researching on all sorts of painful topics,
Because then you are in control, you are subjecting yourself to it.

Generally what happens is a full cycle.
The person is maybe highly sensitive,
And was subjected to physical, relational, or mental violence.
Again the violence here is because of degree, and not essence.
Like if a blind person high five’s you on the nose by mistake.
High five is a cool thing, on your hands, but not on your nose.
So, then the person in later life,
In order to regain a sense of control,
May subject himself to the same abuse and recreate those feelings.
The huge difference in the second run of those feelings is that,
He inflicts them upon himself, so that gives him back his sense of control,
And allays the fear, paranoia, and expectation.

The self and other are interchangeable

There is self expansion.
And there is self contraction.
When the self expands,
You include the other as self.
When the self contracts,
What was self earlier is seen as an other.

This happens so many times in our day to day life.
What was once the most exciting thing,
After some time, once all the juice gets extracted,
The very same thing becomes a burden.
Maybe we explore a new philosophical system,
And then completely separate ourselves from that later.
All of these are cases where,
In the moment of expansion = we absorbed an other into self.
And in the moment of contraction = we detached a portion of self and made it an other.

We feel the body is self,
When we want to do so many things in the world with it.
But once we complete everything,
The body gets removed from the self,
and is seen as an other, as a kind of burden.
What was once an asset is seen as a liability.

So the implications are many.
One of them is that,
The way you treat others is eventually going to become the way you treat yourself.
This is because, initially the self is expanded, and its dominion is large (the others are far out).
But when the self contracts, what was once seen as self becomes the other, and you start treating that as such.
Your own body can become an other to you.

So the self-other is a changing dynamic,
Waxing and waning.
Expanding and contracting.
When contracted your aperture greatly shrinks.
When expanded your aperture greatly widens.
When expanded all that you thought was other becomes you.
When contracted all that you thought was you becomes an other.

That is why in profound lsd (or psychedelic) trips say,
Owing to the dramatic expansion of self/widening of aperture,
We start to connect with everything.
And similarly in our most contracted moods,
We see everything as a threatening or burdensome other,
Which might even include our entire body.

The source of joy

The source of your joy is within yourself.
It can just be brought forth, if you feel you have permission/allowance from others and yourself(internalization of caregiver projected approved images), to be that way.
If you cannot allow yourself or give yourself permission to be like those who are joyful, then you choose between 2 possible responses:
# To resent, hate them, and bring them down
# To get inspired, be drawn to them, and uplift yourself.
In both cases, there is a relationship, between you and the other, be it positive relationship or negative relationship.
The way to transcend needing this relationship at all, is to find out what prevents you from being like them, and investigate that fully.
Those others who are a certain way, which you will not give yourself permission to be, ARE your own disowned potentials.
So then, naturally you will have a positive or negative relationship with your disowned potentials.
You cannot recognize someone unless you can perceive the potential they represent.
All recognition is that.
Look at all the people you hate.
Are they not essentially representing potentials that you will not allow in yourself?

The unspeakable torture possible from the mother

This is to speak about a case where the mother clings to the infant stage of the child’s growth, and actively and violently opposes its development and independence beyond that stage, so as to keep getting great narcissistic supplies from the child of “adoration/respect/desirability/admiration/grandiosity/greatness/praise” and enjoy a god like feeling of power and omnipotence in comparison to the child.

Remember, all power is relative.
So the power differential between the infant and the mother is the greatest possible difference.
The mother can get instantly addicted to THIS level of narcissistic supply from the child, and this will esp. happen if the mother did not have any life of her own and had a dependent personality before the event of child birth.
Once deeply addicted to this care-giving and protecting role, the mother may actively oppose the child’s independence, be hostile to the developing child beyond the age of 2 itself.
The mother can actively reinforce the dependence again and again ad infinitum, conveying that “you need me, you cannot live without me” in a million ways said and unsaid.
Such a mother focuses the child only on itself, and the child sacrifices its own self-awareness to please the mother developing codependence.
Really after all the origins of codependence is the narcissistic parent who purposely enforces dependence in subliminal, indirect, and direct ways, and actively opposes the child’s developing separation and independence, so that they can have an endless source of narcissistic supply and meaning from the child.
Often they also cleverly hide it by programming the child to believe, it was its own choice to be that way, and that it can’t help it.
They may even keep telling the neighbors and friends things like “my child needs me for everything, they are such a burden, I keep telling them to do things by themselves, but they keep coming back to me, what can I do?!”
This is just the narcissists game.
This is a microcosmic version of the game of training a slave to believe that he is actually not a slave, but is choosing from his free will.
It all starts at this level.

Just like doctors who save patients are considered to be doing a divine profession higher in value and weight than most other professions, mothers are given this kind of deification and supreme value too.
So a mother can exploit this for a long time, by actively working to keep the child dependent on her and opposing the child’s development/independence in every crooked, unspeakable mystical way possible.
I can elaborate on all those psychic techniques but that may detract from the main points I want to convey in this post.

This can be experienced as extreme suffocation, stifling, and pain, for the child.
But since it is programmed to idolize the mother, it can never imagine going against the mother.
So it condemns itself, and thinks it is the real problem, and the god-like omnipotent mother is always right.
It thinks if it is pained by the mother, it is because, it is defective and needs to be fixed.
And later in life this may slide to depression if it loses all hope after trying out everything and failing.
In truth, this whole thing was really engineered and transmitted from the mother herself.
In the progression of this myth, from this child’s point of view, total powerlessness and despair and depression is an EXPECTED stage that has to be passed.

The mother’s relationship has to keep evolving as the child evolves/grows/matures/separates/independent-izes itself.
So for different people this happens at different times, depending upon the stage of development the mother herself is in.
If the mother herself identifies with being a helpless infant, then she resonates with the child only at that stage, and the child cannot grow beyond that, because it directly faces the threat of losing resonance with the mother.
So the child is then forced to stay infantile even in its later years.
It may be successful in society, but internally its egoic climate is still at the level of the infant only.
So the child may find himself/herself as helpless, powerless, at the mercy of circumstances, unable to establish any identity, and constantly wandering aimlessly.
It may find itself as hyper-sensitive, easily hynotizable and living in a dream-like feeling all the time, and many other such feelings.
It becomes like a Bonsai(miniature) tree, that has grown but not been allowed to grow at the same time.
Often, the child may feel this as a global feeling of being trapped in an incredibly oppressive world, and may become apathetic and depressed from the impossible struggle it would take to change anything in its favor.
Really, this projection of such a tyrannical world, has its roots in the tyrannical mother herself, because it was the mother who was tyrannical in the sense of opposing the child’s independence, and that is later felt by the child as a tyrannical world view itself.

What I speak about here is of unspeakable depth.
Things far less deep, are spoken about so much in society, as so called deep issues.
Real power is always invisible, and the power that is visible is always much lower.
For example here, the mother-child bond is done in secrecy, in the darkness, in great trust.
Nobody ever questions it, and you are shamed even if remotely begin to investigate.
This is a giant taboo in society, because any questioning of it breaks its supremely sanctified and sacred status.
My point is, great wonders and horrors can happen at this stage, at intensities even beyond the most powerful psychedelics.

There has always been extensive talk in society about abusive husbands etc.
Imagine a hyper-possessive husband who keeps his wife like his possession and pet, and pleases her when he wants, beats her up when he wants.
Basically keeps her like his trophy wife, seals her from the outer world, prevents her from having any life outside of him, and controls her like a pleasure-giving slave.
Does this horrify you?
Now, this example I gave above is a weak analogue of the mother-infant situation I describe.
Think about it: What is power? Isn’t all what we call power, a relative concept?
The relativity comes from the power difference.
What is the difference of power between this man and woman living as husband and wife?
And compare that to the difference between a mother (say aged 25+) and an infant(age 0-2)?
The mother for the infant is like an omnipotent god-like being and giant.
But you know what, society will speak endlessly about male violence against women etc.
And this mother-infant dyad, is shrouded, kept under wraps and wraps, sanctified, deified, and any torture that you faced here gets buried as YOUR shame, unspeakable shame of phenomenal intensity.

My point here is not to entirely blame the mother.
The mother herself maybe unconscious of her real power, and how much she affects the infant (the other developing being).
I might have pushed some buttons in this article, but this is in the interest of really looking into this territory of deep psyche experience.
Even if you are a woman, you were also brought up by your mother, so this is not gender-specific.
The purpose of this article, is to illuminate this realm, and to awaken people to it so that they can heal themselves and gain their own insights about their own deep psyche.