Everything goes around

Whatever you give out,
Gets stored in the other.
In your every action of relating,
You are passing on that energy to the other.
They then store it and manifest that same energy you gave,
To someone else, sometime or the other.

It is a grand game of passing the parcel.
Whatever a mother gives a child, the child will then store that, and then manifest that in the world.
Whatever a spouse gives the other spouse, the other stores that, and then manifests that to the world, sometime later.
Everything goes round and round.

So by relating well with the other,
You are actually planting those seeds in the other.
Your deep intention etc is stored in them,
And they may manifest that same energy much later,
To some other person, in some other place and time.

Not all causation is from what you see.
These hidden unseen causes may have passed on the real seeds.

Representation, Recognition, and Essence

Essence is from the non-local qualitative space,
Something similar to the 5th dimension ‘Plato’s world of forms’.
From where we are, we connect to these essences and experience them.
We connect to these essences through representations.
All sensory and mental objects are not the thing in itself,
But are all representations of the thing.
The thing itself exists in a transcendent form we connect/access and experience.

When we lose connection to this higher world of essences,
Which all of our representations basically cue to,
We get depressed.
So depression I feel is fundamentally from this disconnection.
Even if you logically lay it out in language,
“I have xxx bank balance,
I have all these xxx items with me,
These great xxx relationships,
If you cannot connect to the higher world of essences,
You would feel depressed.

On the other hand, if you do connect to this higher world of essences,
You would experience great joy/riches/bliss.

This connection is entirely invisible and cannot be directly seen,
But rather it can only be felt and experienced.
Only representations can be studied and seen.
And all of the objects in the sensory and mental worlds are representations.
They all cue/point to these higher world essences.

This connection is quite a bit independent from the circumstances of life,
Apart from fulfillment of all the usual basic needs.
That is why it is difficult to see any direct correlation,
Between a person’s circumstances and his/her level of happiness.

This may explain how some of the pioneers of the LSD experience,
Described their experience in terms like: ‘seeing the whole world in a grain of sand’ etc.
Logically you might think, ‘pff, that makes no sense, how can a sand grain be the world?!, nonsense etc.’
But on deeper inspection, I see that the grain of sand is only a representation,
And it is cue-ing/pointing to the higher object which is the “5th dimensional numinous essence of the world itself”.

There are many games right, where a portion of an animal is shown to you,
And you’d have to guess the animal.
The picture that is shown, (say of the animal’s eye alone) is not the animal right?
The animal that you guess it represents (say correctly) is because you mapped that picture to your mental object.
So the animal really exists only in your mental space as a representation.
And even the picture shown to you is also a fractional representation of it.
But however neither of these 2 things can give us the real connection we desire.
Because both are only representations at some level.
The true connection is to connect everything to god (in religious terms),
Or in philosophical terms I could say, it is to connect the representational forms to their essences.

It could be speculated that this ‘world of essences’ really exists, like Plato speculated.
But the real nature of it, I feel, is entirely mysterious.
All we know is when we connect to it through our representation,
We experience all the sought after feelings of wonder/comprehension/profound understanding/knowing and so on.
It is this recognition I long for,
I wish I could connect through everything to their higher essences.

A short description of my experience

I experience life itself like a dream.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.

Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?

The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.

I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.

My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.

Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.

The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.

The cycles of expansion and contraction

Inbreath – Outbreath
Heart contraction – Heart relaxation
Connection – Disconnection
Association – Dissociation
Mental well being – Mental haze/confusion
Emotional well being – Emotional upset
Physical well being – Physical pain
Union – Separation
Expansion – Contraction
Excitement – Fear
Relationship – Isolation

Meeting a twin-flame


When I saw her the first time,
There was instant recognition,
That instant recognition was instant love,
Instant oneness, Instant connection,
Instant comfort, Instant understanding.
I knew I knew her intimately,
Beyond how much she knew about herself.
I have known her forever.
Like meeting a long lost friend.
Like meeting an old lover from a past life.
Like meeting someone from the same soul family,
Made of the same dough.

Big Bang and Black hole

Big bang ——- Black hole
Birth ———- Death
Pure Greed —– Pure Fear
Ecstasy ——– Peace
Activity ——- Rest
Total expansion —- Total contraction
Breathing in ——- Breathing out
Light ————– Darkness
Relationship ——- Withdrawal

The pendulum of life swings between these poles.
That is the true existential part.
The rest is our freedom and our creation.

Your internal and external lives are reflections of each other

Balanced internal life = Balanced external life.
Extreme internal life = Extreme external life.
Total internal awareness = Total external awareness
Internal extreme tunneled investments = External extreme tunneled investments.
Internal imbalances => reflected in the external as external imbalances.

Many extreme people view relationship as:
Conflict, Resistance, Strife, War, Violence, Pain.
The problem here is of degree and not of essence.
Like if I take a knife and ever so gently graze your skin, it will feel scintillating.
But if I do it with more force, it will cut the skin, sharply hurt, and leave a bruise.
So the problem in the latter case was simply the intensity.

In a world filled with limitation of various degrees,
If we try to do things with unlimited passion,
Either we will break or the thing will break.
Relationships are a limited possibility.
It has a certain place, a certain potential,
After which it will start to hurt and pain more and more.
This kind of violence can be addictive too,
Because it is controlled by you.
I would think this is a similar reason,
Why people cut themselves.
Because it is a pain that you can control and administer to yourself.
So by fighting with people, even if it hurts, you are controlling it.
And that might give a relief at a different level.
You could similarly, subject yourself to controlled mental pain too,
Say by researching on all sorts of painful topics,
Because then you are in control, you are subjecting yourself to it.

Generally what happens is a full cycle.
The person is maybe highly sensitive,
And was subjected to physical, relational, or mental violence.
Again the violence here is because of degree, and not essence.
Like if a blind person high five’s you on the nose by mistake.
High five is a cool thing, on your hands, but not on your nose.
So, then the person in later life,
In order to regain a sense of control,
May subject himself to the same abuse and recreate those feelings.
The huge difference in the second run of those feelings is that,
He inflicts them upon himself, so that gives him back his sense of control,
And allays the fear, paranoia, and expectation.

The self and other are interchangeable

There is self expansion.
And there is self contraction.
When the self expands,
You include the other as self.
When the self contracts,
What was self earlier is seen as an other.

This happens so many times in our day to day life.
What was once the most exciting thing,
After some time, once all the juice gets extracted,
The very same thing becomes a burden.
Maybe we explore a new philosophical system,
And then completely separate ourselves from that later.
All of these are cases where,
In the moment of expansion = we absorbed an other into self.
And in the moment of contraction = we detached a portion of self and made it an other.

We feel the body is self,
When we want to do so many things in the world with it.
But once we complete everything,
The body gets removed from the self,
and is seen as an other, as a kind of burden.
What was once an asset is seen as a liability.

So the implications are many.
One of them is that,
The way you treat others is eventually going to become the way you treat yourself.
This is because, initially the self is expanded, and its dominion is large (the others are far out).
But when the self contracts, what was once seen as self becomes the other, and you start treating that as such.
Your own body can become an other to you.

So the self-other is a changing dynamic,
Waxing and waning.
Expanding and contracting.
When contracted your aperture greatly shrinks.
When expanded your aperture greatly widens.
When expanded all that you thought was other becomes you.
When contracted all that you thought was you becomes an other.

That is why in profound lsd (or psychedelic) trips say,
Owing to the dramatic expansion of self/widening of aperture,
We start to connect with everything.
And similarly in our most contracted moods,
We see everything as a threatening or burdensome other,
Which might even include our entire body.

The source of joy

The source of your joy is within yourself.
It can just be brought forth, if you feel you have permission/allowance from others and yourself(internalization of caregiver projected approved images), to be that way.
If you cannot allow yourself or give yourself permission to be like those who are joyful, then you choose between 2 possible responses:
# To resent, hate them, and bring them down
# To get inspired, be drawn to them, and uplift yourself.
In both cases, there is a relationship, between you and the other, be it positive relationship or negative relationship.
The way to transcend needing this relationship at all, is to find out what prevents you from being like them, and investigate that fully.
Those others who are a certain way, which you will not give yourself permission to be, ARE your own disowned potentials.
So then, naturally you will have a positive or negative relationship with your disowned potentials.
You cannot recognize someone unless you can perceive the potential they represent.
All recognition is that.
Look at all the people you hate.
Are they not essentially representing potentials that you will not allow in yourself?