Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.

Figuring out my diet is like playing minesweeper

minesweeper

The more empty I keep myself,
And the more mindfully I consume,
The less I eat,
The simpler I eat,
And the more I clearly notice the whole experience,
I can see that food and drugs are the same thing.
Everything alters experience.

The dilemma I face is,
Whatever I eat, has its pros and cons.
Even the super foods work on some days and not on others.
And some stuff feels great one day, and meh on another.
My body is the lab,
And my work is food experimentation,
To find out the best food that is pure bliss.

For now, whatever I put inside me,
When finely finely observed,
Causes some pain or discomfort or the other.
If not immediately, in the following hours.
So it feels like I am playing minesweeper.
I keep trying different controlled experiments,
And mark off all the bomb foods.

Knowledge, Free will, Intention, Humility

Real knowledge and Free will are connected.
Real knowledge allows your free will to serve you and the higher field.
Else if your free will is not in alignment with the higher field, to that degree you face opposition/resistance/pain.

Intention is a heart emanation.
Vision/Light is from the heart.
Desire is seeing, greater the desire = greater the seeing.
Knowledge is for the execution of the intention = for power/efficiency/innovation.

Humility is to realize your limitations and condition.
Humility is relative to your recognition of what true power is, and how little of that you actually possess.
Humility is from the recognition of your own ignorance.
Humility is the precursor to an exploration and a consequent knowledge upgrade.

Exploring the phenomenon of pain

This thought occurred to me on seeing some of the horrible aspects of societal control used in the medieval Europe era.
They all controlled people through pain in some of the most gruesome ways imaginable.
It seems like there is no counter to pain.
There is just transparency. The absence of pain is bliss.
The relief feeling may be experienced as pleasure.
But the absence of pain does not equate to pleasure.
There is enormous potential for pain possible from the structure of the human body itself.
Death and the burning of the body after, removes all those possibilities of pain because the very structure is released.
It releases THOSE potentials/possibilities of pain permanently because death is like a permanent shift into a subtler state, and physical pain no longer applies just like how water can never be broken like a solid.

The physical apparatus “modulates consciousness energy” according to its structures.
It the play of chemicals, controlled by the physical structures and their cycles.
Every system/contraption/structure resists its dissolution.
So the physical body resists its dissolution via. pain = basically resistance and a loud alarm/cry for you to stop doing what you are doing and take action.

There are different bodies from gross to subtle.
Pain is possible for all bodies.
Grosser the body, more the pain severity possibility and the more limited the pain experience is in its quality. (greater the loss of freedom).
Destruction is usually from gross to the subtle.
e.g.: Hammer on glass. Fist on more tender body parts.
The thing to note here is that actually this is not gross to subtle, but more of robust gross on fragile gross.
The hardest bones like fist/instep/elbow/knee OR ruler/stick/whip/stone against the softest unguarded parts of the body.
The more the differential here, the more gruesome it is.
Like it is really gruesome to watch a 10 ft large stone fall from a height and crush a man.
Because the differential is greater between hardness and softness.

A more thorough and intense destruction happens from subtle to gross, like an atom bomb, acid dissolving, damage of fire, which can actually do far more deep/pervasive/thorough damage.
Ether > Air > Fire > Water > Solid = In terms of its thoroughness of destruction and penetration power.

Various Natural calamities are threats to us in various ways:
Temperature: Heat waves, Ice Age, Solar flares
Earth: Earthquakes, Sinkholes, Volcanoes, Landslides
Wind: Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Cyclone, Gales
Snow: Blizzards, Avalanche
Sand: Sand storms
Rain: Rainstorms, Hail storms, Cloud burst rains
Foreign body: Asteroid
Water: Tsunamis, Floods
Electricity: Thunder
Others: Quick sand, Wild animals, Trees falling.
Interstellar: Supernova, black holes.

All the elements like the air, earth, fire, water have destructive capacities:
[Air = Tornado, massive gale, cyclone
Hot air = Scalding/burning
Cold air = Stinging]
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[Water = Tsunami, flood, drowning/crashing
Ice = Freezing/Numbing
Steam = Scalding
Acid = Corroding, Charring, Melting]
************************
Fire = burning/roasting/vaporizing/disintegrating
Earth = the most painful physical injury from blunt/pulverizing/smashing/crushing/impaling OR pointed/shearing/tearing/poking/ripping/cutting impacts

Every structure is subject to so many elemental threats from existence/nature/earth/planet/other life(elemental forms) etc.
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And there is also destruction from other organic life, both microscopic and macroscopic.
We are prey for many animals, and we are also hosts for a plethora of microorganisms.
The whole predator-prey equation comes in here.

Each time the integrity of nature’s structure is disturbed there is pain and hurt.
We love all the things that heal us (pleasure us), and we hate all the things that break us (pain us).
Survival and Thriving of the body is greatly prioritized in consciousness.
Every being wants to live and thrive.
Generally moving of identification to subtler structures, gives you more security and vision power.

People are generally controlled by pain.
(c = chakra)
# The pain of lies/delusion/ignorance/preventing access to real knowledge (societal control 5c).
# The pain of taking away loved/desired/cherished objects from you (societal control 4c).
# The pain of shame/alienation/ostracization/banishment (societal control 3c).
# The pain of humiliation/guilt/fear/subjugation (societal control 2c).
# The pain of physical punishment/torture/imprisonment (societal control 1c).

So until there is total disidentification with EVERYTHING, fear is inevitable, and total freedom is an impossibility.
By disidentifying, you are basically setting the thing free.
Disidentification with the grosser layers, lands you into the subtler layers.

The world of threat you find yourself in, depends on your identification.
# A physical identity only concerns himself with physical threats.
# An emotional identity may concern themselves with ghosts, threats from the occult etc.
# A mental being may concern himself with mind control forces, forces of false information and knowledge etc.
# A spiritual being may concern himself with delusions, illusions, false beliefs, madness, discerning truth from falsehood, identifying the, wrong directions, and so on.

Depression is a protective system

printed-circuit-board

The psyche is like a dynamic living structure/circuit.
Its physical correlate might be the ‘nervous system’.
There is a variable amount of electricity/spirit that can be passed through the nervous system.
The self (ego/self structure) is the determiner of how much spirit (dynamic energy) should be received.
The brain is a reducing value rather than the creator of reality.
The brain is more of a focusing instrument.
The RAS(Reticular activating system) in the brain determines how much power/electricity/spirit must be passed through the nervous system – and this also correspondingly activates the psyche structure.
We could say the ego/self controls this RAS and uses this like a volume control to optimize output based on its goals.

The psyche structure has a circuit.
– If the wiring is very chaotic and silo like(i.e. there are multiple contradictions, conflicts, incompatible compartments, lot of split-selves(locus-es, clusters)), then there the self turns down the RAS to maintain circuit integrity and limit circuit connectivity.
– On the other hand, if the wiring is sound, well integrated, without any incompatible wiring, then the RAS can be comfortably turned up and the system can work more powerfully and efficiently without a short circuit and the parts can function coherently, harmoniously with minimum interference.

An important thing is remember is that, PAIN in essence is from conflict.
So depression is a protective mechanism against PURE PAIN.
Opiates are released in response to pain.
That is why depression and high opiate release are highly connected (which also explains why the depressed person feels a flat AFFECT and loss of memory access).

A depressed person has a lot of internal chaos and conflict.
[Conflicting values, conflicting drives, conflicting ideologies and so on]
This chaos and conflict creates pain.
Now, if greater energy is passed from the RAS through the conflicting circuits, then there could easily be a short circuit and something may blow up.
Whereas if the energy passed through the circuits is lowered, then only the critical circuits receive power, and large areas of potential conflict could be kept low-key and relatively dormant.
So depression kicks in, to make chaos manageable, to mitigate pain, and it is an attempt of the organizing system to handle one thing at a time starting from the most critical.

That is why sometimes LSD and Ayahuasca can cause violent reactions, because it would increase the circuit power and connectivity reach via. RAS, forcing disconnected, compartmentalized, and dormant parts to interact with each other, which could potentially cause a lot of conflict/chaos = pain.
But however if one wants to function as ONE integrated personality, then such a pain could be a good learning experience in terms of facing this chaos so that one could see through the transcendent principle behind it.
These transcendent principles thus seen can be used to integrate the disconnected parts.

Vacating the emotional body

I have vacated my feeling body, and living in my thinking body only.
My feeling body has been forsaken.
So the feeling body is full of pain/chaos/disharmony/pain from the lack of attention.
I would go into the feeling body only through the “thinking body vehicle” as if I am doing an excavation in a ruins site by safely visiting it via a closed vehicle.
I need to instead go underneath the mental body, deep dive into directly feeling the pure emotions and sort it out at the liquid-feeling-level itself, by keeping consciousness with it without disowning/abandoning it.
That is the betrayal, that is the abandonment, that is the emptiness.
That neglect is what has left the feeling body is chaos/ruin/vagaries ruled by pure subconscious chaotic random forces.
It is a disowning. And that part of me is in constant chaos.
So the way out would be through loving and staying with all that pain continuously as a commitment unflinchingly.
That eternal commitment is love, to stay with it unconditionally no matter what.
If I cannot do this for myself, then how I can I do it for any other?
The emotional reality is the bedrock prior to the thinking reality which only really gets active around 8 years of age.
Its time to deep dive and do a reclamation. Those ruins are mine.
The idea is to examine that with non-resistance and non-effort, where does consciousness go – and being with that completely and never vacating that OBJECT.
Emotions frighten me as a result, because I am helpless against my own emotions.
I work with emotions indirectly through the mind/thought in an indirect way and use all kinds of deflections from directly-squarely accepting and owning the direct chaos and pain.
And what I don’t accept/own/reclaim will persist in its “rookie state of development” until it receives my undivided attention/commitment/love.
That is the only thing that ever healed anything anyway.

So what’s the answer? – Sit with the pain, Own the pain, Commit to never leave it, and stay with it unconditionally (love it).
That genuine, unflagging unremitting, incessant commitment to BE with all of your feeling at the deepest imaginable/accessible levels is what will ultimately serve.

Potential of pain/loss, the abyss of change

I think it is the potential of pain/loss that matters.
Every being has something he/she values whose loss will impact the same way.
It is loss of what you love. All pain is that.
What is this cruel place, where things that you love are given to you, only to be taken away?
That causes me to withdraw all investment from all things.
Because ALL can be lost.
You can only love when there is security.
In my case, I feel the most profound insecurity imaginable.
The insecurity has infiltrated every nook and corner of my being and all I can do is shrivel and contract in fear.
Also, the more I look into existence, I see that EVERYTHING can be lost.
If all ‘things’ can be lost, all ‘experience things/objects’ can be lost.
If all experience potentials too can also be fundamentally and irrevocably lost, then loving any thing, that kind of investment, is going to come with the full-blown pain of losing it too.
If that is the case then all investments will bring the full pain of loss.
All can be lost, its only a matter of time, before a thing can be taken away from you. It is inevitable.
That is the truth of death, which is a subset of the truth of change.
I feel I cannot hide anywhere from this, its not like I can hide my money in a safe, ‘things’ are experientially taken away from me.
Change just makes them disappear.
This truth of emptiness is terror for my ego which is in charge of emotional investments.
I live in fear/contraction/tightly-grasping to what I have at every moment.
This is profound insecurity.
I live like I’m in an exile, a hostile place all around.
The most intimate things too can be taken away from you.
As a result, I experience both passing pleasures and pain with this background deep insecurity and contraction of my investments. I’m terrified in the background at these sweeping tsunamis of change of state.
Nothing can be hidden from the higher frequency subtler source/god.
Its not a matter of trust or mistrust anymore.
Its a question about fully imbibing the truth of CHANGE, and that I am no-thing. All the terror is about the digestion of this potion in your being.
The “now you have it, now you don’t” game has been so so intense for me from the deepest to the grossest levels, I am frozen with fear/mild terror and hard grasping for security.
I don’t have a leg to stand on, the ground is being removed from my feet all the time.
I must die into and become the abyss of change itself.