Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.

Society is ‘descent’ while transcendence is ‘ascent’

There is nothing wrong with descending or ascending.
I am just looking at these 2 aspects of existence scientifically.

What does society expect from you?
To grow up?
What does growing up entail?
A series of decisions/commitments/sacrifices?
A series of specializations and an ever deepening identity structure?
Isn’t specialization the most celebrated thing and the sought after thing in society?
To become an expert/master in your chosen discipline?
And then work to either maintain/uphold one of its existing structures or to forward it to new improvements(addendums or reconstructions).
Society expects you to come down and descend from the clouds and ground youself, i.e. become something solid like the earth.

To transcend on the other hand is the opposite movement.
You move upwards like the eagle flying towards the sun.
Away from the ground, away from the solid world,
You move away from specialization/analysis into generalization/synthesis.
You are flying upwards from the earth to the sky.
Rather than entering multiplicity and diving deeper into it into ever furthering differentiation, you are now seeking singularity and union.
You leave behind familiar structures of comfort and security and venture into the unknown to find the philosopher’s stone/the lost plenum.
It is a project of reclamation rather than sacrifice.

So if I were to draw a spectrum:
Specialization/analysis/differentiation ———— Generalization/synthesis/unification
Society is to the left while transcendence is to the right.
They are 2 opposite directions.
This is summed up, in the duality of:
Samsara ———————- Nirvana

Dark night of soul – The longing for rest

meltingcandle

I feel so much of tiredness/lassitude/fatigue/blankness.
I cannot bring the formless to form using my power.
There is no will, interest, or energy to do so.
I am too tired to focus and object-ify anything.
My desire is to relax further and further into the formless and to rest in the ground of being.

I am too tired to do the self-ing action(self-ing is a verb, we self ourselves into existence, it is an unconscious effort)
My self has lost all potency of becoming.
Rather, I want to relax myself out of objectified existence.
All my drive is towards unbecoming now.
Everything is blank as I enter into a barely/dimly conscious dissociative space.
A state which I knew since earliest childhood, it feels familiar.
A state of blankness and void.

I feel a loss of desire/interest/will/force/potency of all mental powers, faculties as I relax.
This also removes all ambitions, hopes, investments, ideals, goals, which rest over and above the former powers.
It is like gradually falling asleep and entering the hypnogogic symbolic state of fluid mind and staying there.
My signal is tuning out and relaxing and entering the primordial ground of being.

There is only a flow, and very weak selves arise, morph, or pass.
I feel a loss of all powers from this relaxation – a relaxing of the self-ing power itself back into the void/blankness/spontaneous happening.
The insight I get is that, it is the “ground of being” that emerges out of itself as SELF-ing and then DE-SELFs and relaxes back into itself. (creating the cycle of becoming and unbecoming, just like the day and night cycle).
I am only dimly conscious of objects, mostly just of a broad boundary-less abstract blank.

I cannot tighten my mental muscles to focus on any objects, there is no will to do so.
My relaxation takes me into the objectless/formless/timeless/limbo/symbolic, and I cannot OBJECT-IFY or FOCUS.
All I wish for is a deep sleep back into non-existence/void/whatever my substrate is.
I am just tired weary and wish for SLEEP.
I feel like it is 3am for my soul, which is just waiting for a deep sleep back into itself.

I see insights like “All of life is relationship”.
And now I am de-coloring/de-cathecting all my relationships to objects and sinking back into the formless, timeless, wholeness, and unknowable void.
Just like we have bright daytime activity and the sleep of night, I intuit the soul too has days and nights.
I wish for a safe sleep into the ground of being.
My process now, is to remove all blockages, responsibilities, bondage and relationships that are preventing full rest and keeping me up.
Maybe a time will come after I sleep when I want to rejoin the world in inspiration, excitement, love, and fervor.
But now is the night for me.
I want to sink back to my source.
I want to die into the abstract.
This also reflects the title of my blog “Journey to the abstract”.