Musings on the dark night of the soul

dreamyskyline

The dark night of the soul,
Is when you become aware,
Of the underlying void,
Of the underlying darkness,
Of the underlying invisible space,
The silent invisible unknown unseen wind,
Beneath the wings of creation,
And drawn to that.

Like being drawn to the bed of the ocean,
From the waves in its surface,
Moving into the obscurity, unknown, and aloneness,
To find the ground of being and life.
A dark rapture of surrendering,
And letting yourself sink,
And going through the sadness,
Of disappearing/vacating the world you know.

Everything fades to the distance,
Sights and sounds become faint,
A cocktail of sublime emotions well up,
Nostalgia, sadness, clarity, and reflection.
As you descend to the cave of your own heart.
Like the feeling one has,
When journeying back home from an adventure.
The play of form and light departs and fades,
As you sink into obscurity, mystery, and devotion.

It feels like seeing a city skyline at night,
Standing afar on the other side of the shore.
Watching the shimmer and twinkling city lights.
As you walk away, you keep looking back,
And watching the lights recede, shrink, and fade.
And you willingly enter the darkness.
The uncreated, formless, unmanifest,
Into mystery, obscurity, and innocence,
Following the longing to return,
To the ineffable unknown that is the source of life.

I am interested in extreme experiences

I am interested in extreme experiences,
Internally or externally induced,
Experiences that give me liberation, powers, freedom,
Experiences that release or change the spell I find myself in now,
Experiences that convey and indubitably prove to me,
The emptiness and freedom inherent in the field.
When something is changed,
Freedom from that thing is straightaway proved.

Writing is my ultimate expression of free will

Writing is my creative freedom,
Writing is how I feel my free will,
Writing is how I express my deepest truth,
Writing brings me great fulfillment and satisfaction,
That is unsurpassed and unparalleled.
Writing is the fruit that comes out of my psyche tree.
Writing frees/releases me from whatever I write,
Making space for new content to emerge,
Like the effulgence of a fountain.

The real solution to anything

Solving things is irrelevant.
The real solution is always dissolution.
The real solution to anything is the transcendence of that thing.
Where the problem is subsumed and swallowed,
Into a higher space/context within you that is awakened.
The problem-solution paradigm exists in darkness,
Once the light is brightened, it all vanishes into the light.
Like how when you wake up from sleep, the dream vanishes.
Like how all the ghosts simply disappear once sunlight shines.

Every person is a portal

Every person is a portal,
A portal that shows you the universe,
As seen through them.
They are like windows,
That show unique views of the entire universe.

In a deeper sense,
They are also mirrors,
That uniquely reflect you.

Investment of being vs. doing

Investment of being = identity investment, i.e. ego itself.
The investment of being ‘somebody’.
When you say – I am a student, doctor, engineer, husband, wife, citizen etc.
Investment of doing = all other smaller investments.

The seed and the tree

life-cycle-apple-tree-stages

The seed is the innate potential.
The tree is what the environment allows in the seed.
This seed-tree analogy could be applied to multiple truths/contexts.
For instance:
Your DNA/Biology is like your seed,
While your social ego/self/identity/conditioning would be like the tree.

The seed’s responsibility is to give out all of its potential.
The tree’s responsibility is to stay a match/align to its environment.

The limitations of time – Social/Clock time and Existential.

Supposing you moved to a paradise island,
With no humans around,
And no watch or time keeping device with you,
You would be free of clock time.
Clock time is also Social time.
The reason for the clock is mainly to coordinate one’s life activity with others.

Being free of social/clock time would free you from one set of limitations.
But one would still not escape time itself,
Because there is also existential time,
Which is kept by the body itself.
In fact all social time is build around the rules/laws of existential time which is really the foundation.
The freedom of human activity is dependent on the freedoms offered by the cycles of existential time.

So what is existential time?
Existential time is of the body cycles.
How long can I sit?
How long can I stand?
How long can I meditate?
How long can I talk?
How long can I be silent?
How long can I work (Physical and Mental)?
How long can I enjoy?
How long can I be creative?
How long can I be awake?
How long can I sleep?
How long can I be healthy?
How long can I socialize?
How long can I be alone?
How long can I stay at home?
How long can I be outside or travel?
…and so on.
So these cycles would still happen,
Even after you remove yourself,
From all civilization, social environments, and the clock.
Now, is it possible to overcome these existential limitations?
Are these limitations a given as long as I exist in the body?
Is there a dimension of my being that is free from these limitations?
Is there a dimension of my being that is eternal and not subject to time?
Is it possible to be and stay conscious of that dimension?
That is the next contemplation.

The feeling of living in a well

I feel like I’ve fallen into a well,
And it is so much effort to shout and reach out to anyone or even anything,
And no one bothers to even peep in,
Nor are they even remotely interested in knowing where I am.

Like I’m ostracized, exiled, banished, outcast.
Like I’m dying, receding, fading, falling off the radar, falling off the map, falling off everything that is known.
Hope is wilting and dying, as I fall further into the well with every passing day.
More and more contact with the outside is relinquished because of the phenomenal effort it takes to maintain it from 200 ft under.
I have to scream at the top of my voice to be faintly heard outside, and the beings outside only hear my words, not me, so I am basically abjectly alone.
Never will be seen, never will be fully heard.
There is the crushing weight of despair, but hope pushes me to reach out with great resistance, only to get a few bread crumbs of outside engagement (obtained with disproportionate effort), and then I fall back into the darkness again.

There seems no way out of this well,
and I only fall deeper and deeper into it,
moving farther and farther away from contact with the land.

My whole life has been this way.
I could never achieve anything more than a superficial fleeting intermittent connection with the world/outside.
I have always lived in a well, in the cave of wonders, in the interior castles, in the dungeons of my subconscious, in the underside of the iceberg of humanity.
Except for occasional short bursts of outer engagement which have exponentially reduced with age.
I am in the unknown, in the mystery, living it everyday,
While every other I see appears to be far far away.