A short description of my experience

I experience life itself like a dream.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.

Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?

The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.

I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.

My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.

Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.

The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.

Insights on the solar system, mother, body, and world

sunDiag
The structure of the archetypal world:
Sun = Purusha = Prime independent principle
Maya = Prakriti = Nature = Dependent principle
The 9 planets are Maya, the Sun is the Purusha, in the solar logos.
Maya is inherently neutral (it’s like your movie DVD is neutral, but it is you who experiences it, so the experiencer, the ultimate subject of all structs is called ATMAN)
The Purusha is the witness consciousness that penetrates Maya through its different shaktis/forms at each plane from 1 to 8.
Which is exactly what the Shiva lingam represents, the penetration of purusha into prakriti that receives.
And the 9 planets are only what is seen and physical.
But the planes 1 to 8 are filled with structures that are invisible to us.
So every ray of light of the sun is one Jiva.
As shown by the yellow lines, the jiva line of consciousness passes through s1, s2, s3…representing all the maya structures that the ray of light from the sun is piercing through.
The closest to the sun is mercury, then venus, the earth…
So in terms of our consciousness(sun), the mental world is the mercury region(plane 1), venus i.e. plane 2 is the astral plane, and plane 3 is the earth plane.
So corresponding to each of these worlds/planes/spaces we have a body also which are the structures s1, s2, s3 structures = mental body, vital body, physical body.
That is how we land up with 3 main bodies when on earth.

I speculate if it could be the moon that is causing the phenomenon of birth and death on earth for a relatively eternal jiva rising from the ray of the sun (ray of consciousness/ray of source)?
moon

Now on the human mother in this earth plane:
Now let’s go step by step logically.
You are born on earth from a mother.
The physical body has grown from the mother, so it is really made of the mother only.
First mother -> then body -> then world.
So if you reject your mother, which existentially is the source/manufacturer of your body itself, then like a cascade, automatically you will reject your body, and then you will reject the world also.
Because the “physical world” is the projection of the ray of light of the sun through the physical body(s3).
[Just like the mental world is the projection of the ray of light of the sun passing through mental body(s1).]
When the mother is loved, then the body is loved, and then the world is loved.
A very important note: This has little to do with your mother’s ego and who she believes she is. This is about the existential maya structures. This is “what” she actually is in an EXISTENTIAL sense.

Once the mother is rejected, then your body instrument gets rejected too, the world gets rejected (projection of the body instrument)…all in a cascading order, and you fall into the underworld/desert. Where the rest of life in this body is spent trying to escape it by dissociated trances/states of consciousness/intoxicants/distractions.

So it would follow – if your mother does not like you, it would feel like the world does not like you. But in truth it is her ego that does not like you. Because the deeper truth, she does not like herself. Since you came from her, if she loved herself, she would definitely love you, existentially speaking.
It is the ego that has confused the perfection of everything.
The ego is the obfuscating force.
I have another theory for what the ego is. The ego is of the earth.
Because the sun rays can only hit its surface.
So the solid earth represents the “unconscious” = which is ego (as pertaining to earth and body life).
Which might mean every physical planet and all physical nature is basically unconsciousness, i.e. whatever sun light does not penetrate.

So there are 2 mothers possible:
# Self loving mother (ego aligned with her higher truth and serving it) —-vs—- Self hating mother (ego in delusion and not serving truth)
Fear and Hatred are all from misalignment.
Depending on whom your born too -> you’ll have a different body and a different world experience.
Like the 5 blind men and the elephant, you could get a body that either allows you to feel the tusk/trunk of the world or tail of the world.

You are going to be shaped by the raw material of your mother.
Her relationship to your body is going to condition your relationship to your own body and this will in turn condition your relationship to the world.
Because then we will attract the exact circumstances in the world that treat us the same way as our mother treated our body.
If a person X kept getting physically violent, because his mother’s relationship to his body was like that. So he sees the whole world as people coming to beat him up, which is the kind of perspective that is natural given such a mother.

Prakriti (mother) vs. Purusha (father)
The body is of the mother.
The soul is of the father.
I have another theory possible theory for men and women, that women are generated by the influence of moon, while men are generated from the influence of the sun.

If your mother was your devotee,
That is actually the relationship of the whole world to you.
Because you were born in that light ray point,
So that will be your world vision too, shaped by that experience.

Another very important point to note here is,
The mother is not the final agency or true cause.
Because she was shaped by her mother…and so on.
It is a cascade from mother -> mother -> mother…
All tying back symbolically to what religions call the “great mother”.

Life drive vs Death drive

Desire for activity vs Desire for quiescence
Desire for sound vs Desire for silence
Seeking social expansion vs. Retreating from social interaction
[Family children relatives friends business work expansion] vs [retreat recluse hermit isolation ascetic]
Becoming/learning vs Withdrawing/fading
Descent(into form) vs Ascent(back into formless)
Health(body wanting to live) vs disease(body wanting to die)
[High amplitude cycles of wake-dream-sleep] vs Near flat-lining of these cycles
Interest/passion/libido/hedonia vs Disinterest/dispassion/anhedonia
Exploration/Expansion vs Contraction/Self preservation

The Trinities

All geometry can be reduced to 3 fundamental shapes:
Triangle, Square, Circle

Similarly there are many such trinities:
Geometry: Triangle, Square, Circle
Trinity = Son, Father, Holy spirit
Light = Red, Green, Blue
Sound: AA, UU, MM
States: Body Mind Energy
States: Gross Subtle Causal
States: Waking, Dreaming, Deep sleep
Levels of existence: Vishva, Taijasa, Prajna
Fires/Agnis: Jataragni, Chitagni, Bhutagni
Gods: Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva
Goddesses/Devis: Durga, Laxmi, Saraswati
Nadis: Ida, Pingala, Sushumna
Dimensions of Shiva: Rudra, Hara, Sadashiva
Astronomy: Earth, Moon, Sun
Gunas: Tamas, Rajas, Sattva
Evolution: Ego, Soul, God
Elements: Carbon, Oxygen, Nitrogen

Mass production and accelerating ecological damage

Ecology is a cycle.
Natural resources are generated by this cycle.
We tap into these resources,
And then subject them to our own transformation processes in factories,
To finally produce the products and distribute them.
But nothing is done after that point.
Consumers use the product and throw it into the landfills.

Ideally, for every construction factory,
There should be an equivalent deconstruction factory or recycling plant.
We need to deconstruct the products made,
Back to a form that nature can process.
This would complete the cycle of human karma.
And we would be in full harmony with nature/earth.

The reasons why this is not done are quite deep.
If I have to sum it up in one sentence,
It is because of our collective “denial of death”.
Our awareness does not include death.
It is as if we believe we are going to go on and on,
and just fall off the edge of a cliff.
But in larger awareness, we are part of a cycle.
And this cycle includes:
Formation —and—- Dissolution.

We generally build things in our image.
Like how it is said “god created man in his image”.
For instance, let’s take the example of a building.
Nervous system = Electrical wiring network
Communication system = Phone/Internet network
Blood Circulation = Water Pipe System/Plumbing
Fire system = Natural gas pipes
So if we have a blind spot in our understanding of ourselves,
That blind spot carries over to our creations as well.
And here the blind spot is the “denial of death”.
As egos we believe we are the creators separate from nature.
That we are aliens stuck in this strange place
And that we must exploit it as much as possible.
But in reality, nature is our very ground.
We grow out of it and return to it,
We are dependent on it for our resources and sustenance,
And we must ideally live in harmony to its cycles.
This is referred to as “ecological awareness”.

Our ignoring of the way things work in nature/ecology,
Has a corresponding component we ignore in ourselves.
That component is, we believe we are immortal and separate (as egos).
This is my opinion on why all of our production processes
Only handle half the cycle from “procurement to production to distribution”.
After that we just dump things in landfills.

This blind spot is especially magnified in mass production.
The error/oversight was always there in essence,
But mass production has increased the sheer scale of this error.
I feel the root problem is that of awareness.
And in my opinion, the best way to impart that is through education.

Positive and Negative Anima

Positive/Light Anima:
Pleasant, Kind, Warm, Watery, Friendly, Embracing, Including, Giving, Trusting, Pleasing, Requesting, Sincere, Innocent, Non-calculative, Freeing, Relaxed, Open-minded, Gentle, Soft-spoken, Expressive, Non-violent, Happy to learn, Listening, Admiring, Adoring, Thankful, Grateful, Having remorse when having wronged, Solution-oriented, Forgiving, Understanding, Enjoying other’s happiness, Safe, Reliable, Revealing, Genuine, Sweet, Forthright, Honest, Truthful, Goodwill, Cooperating, Nectar-filled, Healer, Well-wisher, Playful, Democratic, Charming, Agreeable, Nice, Likeable, Constructive, Keeps promises/word, Secure, Angel-like, Refined, Sophisticated, Fine, Filled with compassion, Drive to enhance life, Greek goddess Aphrodite like, Principled, Nurturer, Interested in God vs. false power, Truthful, Empath, Alluring, Ethical, Sunlight source, Benevolent, Mature soul, Light, Optimistic, Positive, Happy, Cherubic, Uplifting, Flexible, Yielding, Considerate, Abundant, Philanthropic, Heavens/Deva-lokas/Sky entity, Respects the other, Sane, Supportive, Responsible, Authentic, Growing, Adaptable, Easily Satisfiable/Pleasable, Open heart of air, Sharing self with other and other with self, Ready to serve.

Negative/Shadow anima:
Super severe, harsh, cold, dry, hostile, deserting, abandoning, withholding, mistrusting, punishing, commanding, tactful, calculating, measuring, controlling, imposing, dominating, demanding, repressing, violent, fake-confidence-mask, inflated-ego (looking down on everyone else), thankless/in-grateful/remorseless, defensive, vengeful, jealous, treacherous, deceitful, hiding/covering/occluding/pretending, vile, bitter, manipulative, resentful, hateful, nursing grudges, abusive, venomous, poisonous, wanting revenge, targeting people, playing politics games (like house of cards), ingratiating itself to authorities and people in power, nasty, cruel (can cut you off totally anytime), destroyer, betrayer (can entirely turn its back on you), sorcerer-like, crude, filled with pain and holding on and nursing it within herself, death drive (total withdrawal of the phantasy projections anytime), Goddess Kali like, asuric, demonic, witch, diabolical, devilish, looking to die and absorb itself into people more powerful (but all to execute its revenge), expert liar, psychopathic, creepy, sly, opportunistic, energy vampire, reptilian, snake like, dark, gloomy, depressive, melancholic, absolutely stubborn, rigid, stoic, in a deep feeling of lack, power hungry, exploitative, underworld/underground/dungeon entity, gas-lighting/crazy-making, madness, attacking, blaming, projecting, broody, mopey, whiny, complaining, fussy, sulky, cribby, unsatisfiable, unpleasable, devouring, self-obsessed/absorbed, closed heart of stone.

Intensify the cycles

space_mandala

Fully experience one pole to move to the other.
Then fully experience the other to move back to the first.
All of these polarities keep swinging:
Sadness ——– Laughter
Anger ———- Joy
Pain ———— Pleasure
Suffering ——- Peace
Fear ———– Love
If you withhold anything, then you cannot let the life flow.
Emptiness will not happen if you withhold, that which you hold will become real.
You have to enable/allow/facilitate the flow/passing/process.
Die continuously to keep living anew.

Fully experiencing is the only way to let life keep moving.
This also means fully experiencing ALL the cycles.
Everything must run through.
All the wheels/cycles must spin faster and faster,
Like the spinning ceiling fan, the cycles will form the mandala, and the transcendent vision will be seen.

The intensity of time is to be accelerated.
Time being a cycle, it intensifies the rapidity of the pendulum swing/cycles.
You need to increase your vision of time.
When time becomes extremely rapid, the 2 dualities separated in time, appear as the mandala.
Make the refresh rate of cycles so quick, that you can see the whole hologram.
Live as intensely as possible.
Experience as fully as possible.

Be like the Heptapods in the movie Arrival.
To see the vision of cyclical time over long reaches.
Fast-forward your life process.
Let the karmic wind up toy completely unwind and spiral outward to the next dimension.
Kala the darkness and ignorance of time must be overcome.

Whiz through all the residual memories of the past,
And relive them and burn them as intensely as you can.
Be as awake as you can.
Intensify the cycles. Go faster.
Finish off the karma residues.
Take in more fire, and burn faster and stronger.
Increase the frequency.
More intense the life process = Higher the plane one’s being ascends to.
Let your life move like a Timelapse.

The state of unconditional allowing

Colors Disco Ball

I feel like I am not yet born,
I feel like an endless work in progress,
I feel like this life is like a dream in the birth waters.
I feel like I am ceaselessly being transformed.

All the experiences, of heaven and hell, pass through me.
Like a spherical mirror that travels everywhere and reflects everything,
But holds nothing, and stays ever-pure in its essence.

The only thing I have to do is to let everything pass through.
Let the winds efface the sand sculptures.
Let the water waves efface the sand castles.
Let me be done and undone by the flows of all elements.
Each of the various realms/worlds/planes,
Will give bodies and reabsorb bodies as their play.
I am the ultimate dis-identified witness, watching the play.
The colorless light of the Ajna.

In a state of unconditional allowing I am free.
Simply free to fully live.

The body is like a million pressure sensitive key piano

brainregions

If there are a million chemicals/neurotransmitters in the body,
Then who/what is the player of this hardware?
Is it prana? And the prana is controlled by the mind?
The mind is controlled from the intellect/knowing?
And then there is the blankness of deep sleep?
(using terms from the vedantic model)

GROSS:
So there is a physical form in the physical world.
SUBTLE:
There is a pranic form in the “pranic world/astral world”.
There is a mental form in the “mental world”.
There is a intellect form in the “intellect world”.
CAUSAL:
There is deep sleep dormancy of the seed, “causal world”.

So influences are transmitted from:
Deep sleep -> Intellect -> Mind -> Prana -> Physical body.
Through the 5 koshas (vedantic term).
So life force seems to be progressively cut off,
Until only one personality finally manifests in/as experience.

There are also various thresholds for activation in the brain areas.
Levels of activation: Say from RED/YELLOW(highest) to GREEN(moderate) to BLUE/VIOLET(lowest)
Like for instance, in PTSD, tiny cues may cause a lot of unpleasant areas to activate.
And if you repress something, then only a very high stimulus will make that portion activate.

brainnormalvsconditions

Ajna Vision: There is only light and darkness

Life = Agni(Fire) = Spirit = Consciousness.
This is the only treasure, the first and the last, the one and only, the ultimate gift.

The world is infinite,
There are infinite worlds,
Infinite other beings/people/animals/life forms,
Infinite planes with infinite activities,
Infinite content springing forth all the time.
But only what you perceive is your experience,
And what you perceive is from your Agni/Life/Spirit.

It feels like so much complexity is happening,
But when I really see the essence piercingly,
I see that really it is only my dream,
That “appears and vanishes”,
Depending on the “infux and deflux” of life/spirit/agni into me,
Happening everyday in me taking the appearance of wake and sleep.

There is just an alternation of light and darkness, nothing else.
The complexities of each day are a play of the projector-light like a movie.
Either the projector is on or off, creating light and darkness,
That’s all I see from this depth.