Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.

The concept of negative vision

There was a story I heard Sadhguru narrate, and that played a great role in helping me reach this insight.
The story goes like this:
There was once a man who was a painter.
He acquired some disease from which his vision started slowly deteriorating.
His friend asked him, “What will you do if your vision gets too bad to paint anymore?”
The painter answered, “I will continue to paint until I can see.
If my eye sight gets too bad, then hmm, I will become an art critic.”

This story is hilarious and has a lot of irony.
But it also contains profound wisdom in it.

Positive vision = Presence of presence
Negative vision = Presence of absence
Then the question would be: How can there be ‘presence of absence’ at all?
The answer to that would be: Right! Absence cannot exist.
Presence of absence is the absence of the presence of something else.
That is ‘negative vision’.

The algorithm is:
It is like if I present a variable X, to you.
You see it as “not A”, “not B”, “not C”, and so on.

Like if I show you a laptop:
With negative vision, you would see it as, not a desktop, not a tablet, not a TV, and so on.
But that would preclude you from seeing the laptop as it really is.
Another example would be, if I show you a pink bottle, the positive vision person would really experience the pink bottle as pink (as it is).
But the negative vision person would look at it and say, this is not blue, not red, not green, and so on.

Positive vision is to see how “‘this’ is ‘this'”.
Negative vision is to see how “‘this’ is ‘not that'”.
The ‘that’ here is a holding on to an ideal or structure from memory like a ghost image in your perception and then using that to not only obscure what really is, but it also actively resists what is.
Negative vision is a disease, because it is dis-ease, you resist what actually is, with what you are holding on to from your memory which imposes itself like a ghost image in your perception and creates the resistance.
You hold on to this memory ghost, impose it and obscure ‘what actually is’, and also actively resist ‘what actually is’ in the process.

This concept that I explained above, has DEEP PROFOUND implications in illuminating this in-articulatable disease we carry in our lives.
My own life is replete with zillions of examples, where I have seen things with negative vision.
How many times, have you perceived/experienced/seen your surroundings/yourself /others with negative vision?

Perception is holographic

hologramperception

Perception is always of a relationship.
The relationship between ‘You’ and the ‘Object’.
But your relationship to an object, is really your ‘relationship’ to the ‘relationship to all other objects’.
Because the definition of any object is itself = its relationship to all other objects.
The object is like a crystal ball that shows you its relationship to all other objects, which becomes the object itself.
So the more object relationships, and object relationship networks you know, all that adds to the detail of the single object you are perceiving right now.
So knowledge(of relationships to a set of objects say) enhances your perception of all other objects.
This is because in that object, crystal ball, you see your own knowledge reflected from its point of view, disguising itself as the object itself.
That is why perception itself is holographic.

A hologram is always whole, right?
Similarly consciousness is always whole.
When you were a child, consciousness was the same whole essence, right?
Now as an adult, the consciousness is the same whole, is it not?
What has really changed?
The difference is in memory and knowledge.
And this makes you see a lot more in every single object.
Because all this memory and knowledge is reflected back to you through your perception of each and every object, which does not exist as such, and is only a reflection of its relationship to all other objects.
So when we talk about the whole field of consciousness, it always exists.
It is like a perception of an unbounded holographic space.
As you grow up, what is added here is a lot more detail, clarity, more objects, and more relationships = conventionally referred to as memory and knowledge.
But the fundamental unbounded consciousness is still the same whole, albeit with a lot more detail, distinction, clarity, and richness.
It is like moving from a blurry video of 144p in youtube and progressively increasing the clarity until 4k is reached.

Memory creation and fading

As life moves, there are various possibilities:
Inbreath stage: Sunrise: Childhood
1. New memories are made much more rapidly, than the fading of the old memories = birth, becoming, forming, progress, ascent.
Holding stage: Daytime: Adulthood
2. New memories are made at the same rate, as the fading of old memories = balance, plateau, steadiness, refinement.
Outbreath stage: Sunset
3. New memories are made at a much slower rate, while fading of old memories is happening rapidly = ripening, descent, reverie, nostalgia, retreat.
Vacuum stage: Nighttime
4. Neither is any new memory formed, nor is any old memory faded = Statis, Sleep, Death, total withdrawal.

It swings like a pendulum:
Losses ——|—— Gains
Death ——|——- Life
Dissolution —-|—- Formation
Sleep —–|—– Waking
Nighttime —-|—- Daytime
Outbreath —-|—- Inbreath

This is the life cycle that can be seen at all scales of form:
Like look at a banana. A time lapse of its life.
As it [emerges, becomes full size, ripens, rots].
Even the process of digestion mirrors this pattern.
[intake, break down, extraction, excretion]
Every birth-death is a cycle.

Now the question would be, if this is all a cycle, it is zero sum, what is the gain?
Yes, a cycle by itself is 0 sum.
The logic here is, the gain derived from living through any cycle always lies beyond the cycle.
The part of you that is beyond this cycle, that is the part that gains from the cycle.
The gain lies not in the cycle, but beyond it.

What frequency space do you occupy?

All of the infinite frequency potentials are contained in us.
All essence potentials exist in and as us.
When it comes to the manifest frequencies however, the only variation is in degree.

It is like the pictures on your computer screen.
There are a series of RGB LEDs.
Each of these RGB LEDs could emit a color within the following ranges:
Red – 0 to 255
Green – 0 to 255
Blue – 0 to 255
And the picture on the screen is the gestalt holistic perception of the ‘relationship’ of the various LED emissions.
The nature of our experience of life is very similar.
We perceive a relationship between the various frequencies components in our space as ‘experience’ (from subtle to gross).

Frequency = Vibration = Sound.
The manifest universe is the spoken word of Brahman.
So all of experience is our perception/grasp of the picture/music of sound frequencies.
Experience grasped in a blink or moment (the immediate slice, apperception) can be seen as “a picture of frequencies” = Direct apperception without memory.
While experience that is in time is like “the music/movie of frequencies” = Perception that contains memory and projection = Referred to as ‘The Mind’.
(because if there is no memory, then there is no mind)

Now coming back to the question, what is the frequency space you occupy?
To answer this, look at your experience music right now?
We can look at different aspects such as:
What is its intensity, subtlety, fineness or coarseness?
What is your experience, when you drop all efforts and do nothing?
Simply be aware in non-doing and scan the frequencies in your experience.
That gives you an idea about your current basal frequency space and its frequency forms, the context of your space right now.
There is: state and station of experience.
State is what is reached by your efforts.
Station on the other hand is the condition that exists when you are not doing anything.
Now, just like how the measurements from an instrument depend on the subtlety of that instrument itself (like a volt-meter cannot measure millivolts), your perception is conditioned by the subtlety of the instrument itself that you occupy.
So say, you sit down in non-doing, initially, you experience a blank, this is because your perception has not sensitized itself yet.
Like how when you enter a dark room from bright sunlight, suddenly everything is pitch black.
Once perception acclimatizes, you start to see clearly in the dark room.

Perception and memory

Perception needs memory —AND— Memory needs perception.
Memory conditions perception —AND— Perception conditions memory.
Memory conditioning perception = bondage —AND— Perception conditioning memory = liberation
Both these terms are wonderfully intertwined with each other.

Information vs. Processing

When [Information] is less than [Processing] = We go outside, we socialize, we seek experiences (sympathetic activation – seek and explore)

When [Information] is greater than [Processing] = We retreat, we isolate, we hermit ourselves [parasympathetic activation – rest and digest]

This dynamic can also be clearly seen in:
1 – how we search/acquire physical food
2 – and then consume/digest/assimilate it
Just like physical food is for our physical body, [impressions food] is for our psychic body.
We first explore/seek and go on adventures to acquire experiences, then once we have acquired enough, we go low key and possibly isolate ourselves to digest everything.
In our world systems, we are expected to work perpetually with little breaks.
So we often feel guilty for profoundly retreating for too long.
But it could be that is what you need.
Follow what your deepest being is telling you.