Tag: Memory

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Reflections on the Integration of Life and Death

My grand life’s musing,
Is the integration of life and death,
Where life and death are not 2 separate events,
But where life and death become one.

What is born dies immediately with change.
Change is instaneous,
The very act of perception itself is to see change,
Change as the vibration/alternation between nothing and something,
Happening rapidly maybe 20times a second.
That seems to be the refresh rate of life and change.

All else is the same principle,
Only the scale/degree varies.
Inbreath is the receiving of life,
Outbreath is the exit of life.

Time is this mega-structure,
That rules all meetings and endings,
And rules all becomings and unbecomings.
In a deeper sense,
There is no becoming nor unbecoming,
The same substance just appears to become or unbecome.

In fact becoming and unbecoming are simultaneous in change.
Change instantly becomes the present and unbecomes what was past.
I imagine a large spectrum.
To the left of it are the things most unchanging, very large timescales.
To the right of it are the things that change every millisecond.
Everything lies somewhere in-between this scale.

Whether it is the scale of inbreath-outbreath happening every few seconds,
Or the scale of a relationship like to parents which lasts half a lifetime.
Memory seems to be the only reason for time’s existence,
Without memory time would not exist?
There would only be the instant/now/that.

The layers of time we experience,
Are they not just the layers of memory?
Time is something we know only by its effect.
We cannot perceive time itself.
Time is what forges the memories,
And time is what fades them out.

We only experience what time dishes out to us + our interpretation.
There is more nuance,
Our experience as a subject is because of the lens of our accumulated memories.
There is also the instantaneous perception of time’s immediate action on us – how it affects us.
But we interpret that through the lens of our memories and build even more memory or reshape old ones.

What would be ‘Experience’ without memory is something elusive and I’m not sure it is even possible.
Even something circling close to that would be – Undefinable, Inexpressable, Ineffable directness.
Like what would it be to see without memory, hear without memory, sense without memory.
Is such an impersonal sensing even possible?
Or does the implied “memory lens subject” and “experience” go together?

My highest idea of living in grace,
Is when we let what comes come, and let what goes go.

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About time

Time in ‘experience’ is change.
It is a subjective experience.
One could say, there is only psychological time,
Objective/clock/mechanical time is only an inference and not an experience per se.

Time itself has infinite potentials/possibilities,
Because it is a whole dimension.
Any dimension that way is infinite in its nature.

So the determinant of what time is experienced,
Is based on the ‘psyche-lens’ through which the time-dimension is modulated.
This ‘psyche-lens’ I see as different layers of memory and their energetic activations.

In a sense, we are always experiencing eternity at every moment.
Every moment is a combination of …past…present…future…
All 3 are experienced as a single swath/continuum in experience.

They are all completely intertwined and inter-influence each other.
The past memory that is held in mind sets the expectation/imagination for the future.
The present experience influences which past memory is accessed and also the predictions about the future.
A promise from the future can influence your entire present experience and past memories,
And so on.

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The ego is the internalization of other’s expectations from you, which you do for survival

We internalize, maintain, and forward the structures of all the others who loved us in whatever way, at whatever level, to continue to attract similar such people who will like and support us in future, and so on.
This is like a memory driven cyclic process, that strives to maintain its core identity, and expand and enhance it.

The relational-ego usually starts with the parents, and then extends itself from there.
The love for the offspring from the parents side and for the parents from the child’s side is biologically supported.
The wheel-hub is created from those primary relations, i.e. the core self-concept, and then it extends its spokes from there as more interaction and exposure to the world happens.
It is a sort of primary imitation and emulation.
I’d say deep devotion/admiration/respect evokes mirroring/imitation.
This may be happening naturally to an infant born into this world.
A deep and vast subliminal absorption takes place in the formative years.

Keeping the individual’s past (karmic memory) aside,
Even just observing the tangible transmission of genetics from generation to generation in the lineage,
I feel the blueprints (genetic memories) are transmitted through and across each generation.
For instance, all the people that loved and supported your grandparents/parents, those faces will look familiar and appealing to you too in some way,
And you may be repelled towards all those who hurt and rejected them in the past.

Literally, the word familiar, points to something to do with familial.
One perspective of all of this is that, this is all Prakriti/Nature.
And that it is all survival based.
Whatever enabled the survival of your ancestors for 7+ generations prior to you,
The memory of all of it is functioning as a blueprint.
Could this be a huge basis of all of our attractions/repulsions to things/people/places etc.?
It is as if this 7-generational worth memory is firing within your experience signaling all kinds of desires/aversions and so on, in experience.

Another aspect is that:
“Every action is propelled from its dual.”
Potential charge -> Kinetic charge.
It is like a battery discharge.
So in this context,
“One could be discharging the potential charges of the family lineage one was born into.”
For example:
Say, if generations have nurtured a deep desire for wealth and due to lack of opportunity they could only keep dreaming about it intensely,
It may happen that the new offspring born into the lineage may have a much better environment and loads of opportunities for wealth.
This offspring may then feel a massive desire to seek wealth with an unstoppable inner force driving it.
The deeper force could be from the imagination of the sheer enjoyment/pleasure of it and/or for the atonement of family/lineage shame (low status) about being poor/unworthy/undeserving etc.
It depends on the undercurrents that are running through the lineage finding expression through the offspring.

If the parent is already successful, then the child simply derives meaning and purpose from that. It would emulate that and try to get those same rewards.
If the parent himself/herself is seeking, then the child also furthers that search as the purpose.
So a settled parent begets a settled child.
A seeking parent begets a seeking child.
This may not be all in the open and articulated.
In fact very little of it may be openly spoken about and conscious to the parent.
The seeds even reveal their potencies only after they sprout up a bit after some opportunity to develop is present.
Else they are too feeble and will not be detectable except by the most sensitive person.

This genetic lineage can be at different stages of maturity and evolution.
The role you play here is an emergent one.
It builds over time as you deepen your relationship with it.
I’ll now try to fit in karmic memory (one’s individual past) into this equation.
This is how I understand it:
For a soul with karmic memory identity, it joins into the genetic memory lineage something similar to how someone with some IT work experience joins a new IT company.
The role/position/environment of this new IT company, I see as genetic memory and its conditions/forces/pressures.
The person’s prior experience (“transferable skills abstracted” as opposed to the concrete discrete knowledge he carried when in each of the roles in his prior companies) before he joined the job = karmic memory.
So just like one did not create anything in the new company one has now joined, the genetic lineage is something that you did not create.
You simply join into it at some role/responsibility and then figure it out from there and get familiar with it as time goes on.

So entering into a genetic lineage is something you become conscious of over time with exploration.
An analogy for this could be of: A mahout and an elephant.
The mahout is the soul (karmic body) and the elephant is the genetic body inherited.
So there are different dimensions of intelligence that work independently and interdependently.
For instance, the elephant can take care of itself without the mahout too.
It knows when it wants to eat, sleep, drink water etc.
It has a life, instinct, and intelligence of its own.
Even an experienced mahout, would have to learn about the new elephant he has been given, and then develop a good relationship with it, before he can direct it to his will.

In the order of identities therefore there are 3 dimensions:
The numinous -> The abstract -> The concrete/literal
Pure spirit/pure consciousness/pure intelligence -> Soul (karmic memory identity) -> Ego (genetics + person’s relational memories from interaction with the world – from the various time-space-people paths it has passed through).
So it is technically possible to transcend and go beyond the soul karmic identity too and move into pure intelligence/spirit.

In terms of dimensions in this realm, in my understanding:
6th dimension = The space of all genetics
5th dimension = The space of your lineage genetics
4th dimension = The astrological ‘time-path-trace’ for your lifetime
3rd dimension = The current space-time location you are in.

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Sadism and Masochism: Complementary strategies arising from the same root

Both sadism and masochism are based on attacking vulnerabilities.
A sadist is identified with the vulnerability in themselves,
While the masochist is identified with the strength in themselves.

The interesting thing here is that, “identification is always unconsciousness”.
You are unconscious of what you identify with.
So the masochist is unconscious of their strength/power, but sees it projected outside themselves.
While the sadist is unconscious of their weakness/vulnerability, but sees it projected outside themselves.

The masochist thinks, if only I could end all of my weakness, needs, and vulnerability,
Then I could be fully free to be myself (which is strength in this case).
The sadist thinks, if only I could get rid of all the threats in my environment,
If only I could weaken all the stronger people around me who could be potential threats,
Then I can be fully free to be myself (which is vulnerability in this case).

Accordingly, 2 strategies are used by the sadist and masochist to end the threat to their identification.
For the sadist, the strategy is: 
To preemptively attack the other’s vulnerabilities, or prepare for doing that,
So that the other is prevented or disabled from attacking yours.
It is a combination of weakness inside, strength display outside.

For the masochist, the strategy is:
To preemptively take on oneself the task of attacking one’s own vulnerabilities,
To try to put an end to them and remove all traces of them.
This is a combination of strength inside, weakness display outside.

But the root for both the cases here is:
The idea of “EXPECTING” the same things to happen – i.e. rejection/attack/abuse.
What unites the sadist and masochist is = The deep expectation to be attacked/rejected/abused etc.,
And this is coming from the deep memories of the same inflicted on them from the past.

The responses to these similar kind of memories are complementary because of opposite identifications.
The masochist is identified with strength, and therefore works to remove his vulnerability – in preparation or in reaction.
The sadist is identified with vulnerability, and therefore works to fight all threats off – in preparation or in reaction.

Since this expectation seeks to prove/validate itself again and again,
It seeks/attracts the same circumstances/people to confirm and justify itself again and again.
So it creates a vicious loop that has a strong gravity of its own,
Which keeps these patterns constantly spinning and repeating in one’s experience.

The sadist and masochist both attract each other,
Because each believes the other is helping them towards attaining their aim.

But the full reality of this is weirder.
The sadist can never destroy the strength of others by attacking their vulnerability.
Often it counter-intuitively makes them even stronger and thereby even more threatening.
Similarly, the masochist in one’s attempt to end all vulnerability,
Feels powerless to do so, because it is impossible to fully rid themselves of it.

So acting out the sadistic or masochistic impulses,
Make one feel even more powerless.
Ultimately the root/source of all of these patterns is in the memories of abuse coming from the deep past (even ancestral/lineage/genetic).
Because it is these memories that create the expectancies.
Then these expectations are projected on others,
And thus these patterns play themselves out again and again.

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The 4 layers of past

The shaft of time can be divided into 4 parts.
Traversing from the big bang, origin of this universe through:
# The inanimate forms
# Different life forms
# Human life forms
# This life until present age
The memory of all of this is present now and recorded at some level in the field of consciousness (present within one).
So there is an imprint/record of the entire history of the universe from its origin to the present date within each one.
This further expands upon the concept of past lives because generally we think of past lives only in the human form or at most we extend it to certain animals.

The big bang and the black holes are entry and exit points of space into time.
The explosive emergence of the manifest existence —–and—– The return of getting vacuumed out of manifest existence.
Or I could word it as:
Big Bangs and Black holes are the births and deaths.
They stand at the interface guardians between the physical and non-physical.

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My wonder and fascination with relations

Since my earliest memory,
I have always had a deep wonder, curiosity, and fascination,
On the possibilities of relating with others.

Interacting with others felt like a great stage,
Participating in group dance or song,
Like a blending of minds creating great harmonies,
Grand tapestries and patterns of rich meaning.

I would imagine all the possibilities in fantasy/dreaming mostly,
With the actual reality serving more as the base context for their concoction.
If reality was “1” (the actuals), My imagination was “100+”(the possibilities).
Maybe “10” of those imaginations would fit under “appropriate”.
The rest would be out of bounds of appropriate social conduct.

This used to always perplex me,
About why so little happens in reality out of all the infinite possibilities.
About why so little was permitted, and why so much was not?
What decided what was allowed and disallowed?
I used to wonder and contemplate on this.

I never received much social conditioning in my early years,
So my mind/imagination was always open.
While approaching others in my early days,
I would be super open, innocent, with total trust.
Then I realized all the boundaries one by one,
And adapted myself to the socialization agreements.
But within me, even today, I am still as free as the wide open sky.
Nobody has ever given more freedom than I have given myself, by a very long shot.

The initial exploration period in my life,
Before the boundaries were understood,
Were some of my happiest times.
Because I experienced that inner sky like freedom expressing itself.
Once I understood the limits, then I reduced myself.
After understanding all the boundaries the hard way,
And due to my hyper restrictive outer environments in childhood,
I sort of became a bit of a recluse.
However the deep fascination I had in this field,
Led me to doing a lot of research and exploration,
And learning a lot in the process.

Nowadays, I test the waters by opening up a bit,
Setting an example, and seeing.
If the other does not open up as much, then I bring back the older boundaries.
Even if the other does not respond, I feel satisfied though,
That I have at least shown the possibility as an offer.
If the other from their side takes liberties with me, or extends interest,
That also frees me up to expand myself and extend a relationship to that extent.

My understanding:
# However I behave with the other,
I set an example/model to follow.
# However they behave with me,
They set an example/model to follow.
# Whatever topics I initiate, I open those doors.
# Whatever topics they initiate, they open those doors.

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Identity, Desire, and Memory

‘Identity’ with ‘Memory’ spawns ‘Desire’.
Memories are like accumulations.
They can be at different levels.
They add on top of each other like a multi-storey building

Our original identity is “LIFE/SPIRIT”,
The formless intelligence that simply IS (Pure being).
This identity then mixed with memory at various levels.
Pure Life/Spirit channeled through [Identity with Memory] = Spawns Desire/Force.
Like how electricity is first channeled through your laptop power supply,
And then through all the laptop’s hardware produces its output.

RULE: All force is generated through structure.
So every structure, when identified with, empowers it with spirit,
And spirit begins functioning THROUGH that structure, manifesting as desire/force.
Desire therefore can be seen as a modification of spirit passing through a memory/structure due to identification with it.

Approximately here are the different levels of memory:
(Identifications with these memories can build on top of each other,
And create corr. desire forces)

Spirit/life = true identity (operates at a level of freedom outside memory)
***
M1 = Soul karmic memory = Desire 1(D1)
M2 = Evolutionary memory = Desire 2(D2)
M3 = Cultural/Ancestry-Genetic memory = Desire 3(D3)
M4 = Family/Social Conditioning memory = Desire 4(D4)
***
M5 = Personality memory = Desire 5(D5)
M6 = Mental memory = Desire 6(D6)
M7 = Emotional memory = Desire 7(D7)
M8 = Sensory memory = Desire 8(D8)

So if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5+M6+M7] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all those structs,
And you get the conscious desire of D8.

Alternatively, if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all of those,
Giving you the conscious desire of D6.

In degree of vastness,
D1 is infinitely vaster than D6.
Every subsequent desire is nested in its higher desire as a possibility.
You can say [M1,D1], [M2,D2] etc. are [structure->forces] residing in their corresponding dimensions.
The entire lower dimension is from one of the structures in the higher dimension.

The dimensions are linked like a chain.
Coming from the source [which is life/spirit],
And building up from M1 to M8, like a multi-storey building.

All transformation is from the intervention of a higher dimension on a lower one,
And this goes on until we finally reach the unfathomable identification with infinite intelligence/life/spirit/pure consciousness itself.
Once this station has been reached,
It sets all of the other dimensions completely free.

Your freedom, degree of freedom, or potential for freedom,
Depends on which dimension your conscious identity is residing in.
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Interaction of life-fire and memory

Experience is from the interaction of life-fire and memory.
All experience is imagination (seeing both as verbs).
Imagination is from the life-fire playing with the lego-blocks of memory.
When imagination is trapped in memories – You feel stuck (imagination trapped in the imaginary).
When imagination is free from memories – You feel free.
The memories have a certain gravity to them.
When the life-fire is stronger than them, you feel free and liberated.
When the life-fire is weaker than them, you can only play around within the confines of the memory-bank you find yourself in.
All agony and all ecstasy is from memory.

By this logic, we are all in some form of “life-fire/energy” imprisonment.
That is life-fire/energy trapped in memory banks.
How do we thin/subtle-ize our memories and liberate ourselves from their gravity?!
To liberate is to transform the gross to the subtle.
To convert solid into liquid, liquid into gas, and gas into ether.
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My Venus is exalted

I have already attained the highest state of venusian love.
My venus is exalted.
That is why the deep pleasure of love songs,
Which stoke those vibrations already inside me.
I’ve already had the highest enjoyment of those vibrational experiences.
I recognize them, I have been in love before.
I have the memories of all those wonders deep inside.
Love/Bliss is a state of being very familiar/intimate to me.
And the songs rekindle those vibrations already in me.
They are all songs that express and celebrate those states of being, those vibrational worlds (heavens?).
The joy of celebration including arts, creativity, beauty, love, joy, ecstasy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and satiation.
Songs “transport” my being to those lost hidden vibrational worlds into REVERIES,
In the enchanted caves of my heart.

The depression and agony I experience at times are super severe,
Because they contrast with these deep enjoyments which I know for certain are possible.
Loss feels severe, only when you have once tasted gain.
The darkness of night is felt, only when you have tasted the light of day.
Leading to the mystic’s divide between: Longing —–and—— Ecstasy.
There is a constant alternation between these 2.
My life process moves along this pendulum swing.