Tag: Life

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Is your deeper desire to transcend the physical?

Today, I was travelling in a shared taxi and the passenger next to me had a moderate cold (cold virus) and was constantly sniffling. As a reaction to this, I tensed up my body esp. in the stomach and chest, tightening all those inner muscles, and tried to breathe less, and look away from him as much as possible.
The journey lasted 30m, so this condition I was in was getting painful, and I felt really irritated at the passenger beside me, feeling an impulse to just attack him. I ofcourse restrained myself, and put up with this resistance within me and when I reached my destination, the ordeal was over, and I could finally breathe normally again.

Even as those sensations happened in the taxi, I vowed to myself that I would stay AS CONSCIOUS AS POSSIBLE of every single thing happening.
A lot of deep insights came to me even while all of this was happening.
The first insight was that: Actually, my deeper self was ready to allow the cold virus to enter me. My deeper self felt like a omni-directional vacuum unconditionally receiving. It was attracting everything indiscriminately, and the resistance and tightening up I felt was my human self’s/body’s response to the deeper self’s indiscriminate vacuum like attraction.

So my body tightened from within as a protection, to prevent the destructive energy(cold virus) from being pulled in. So though it felt like the other man was to blame for my painful body contraction and so on, I could see that it was only an appearance/projection.
In reality I was afraid of my own deeper self’s attraction, and was resisting against that.
Then I thought about that more deeply, and realized, all fear is essentially your resistance to your own [higher/deeper self’s attraction], isn’t it? (the deeper self could represent the unconscious layer of self beneath the surface feelings/emotions/thoughts felt)
Another example of this would be, when I would peep out of a low balcony at a great height, say 500ft above the ground, I would wonder as to ‘why do I get the fear of falling felt as a contraction/restraint feeling?
I felt the resistance/contraction felt which is termed ‘fear’ which acts counter to the falling movement, is really my resistance towards my own deeper self’s desire to actually FALL (there is an attraction to let go and fall).
The same is true when sometimes if I look at a girl who is provocatively dressed and attractive to me, I feel FEAR (sensation is of contraction and restraint).
What am I really fearing? My fear is actually preventing my deeper self from acting on its desire of being drawn to her.
Similarly, if someone is acting rudely and violating me, I feel fear again, because it is to restrain me (my deeper desire) from attacking him back, which would lead to undesirable consequences for me in the larger picture.
So I see that all fear is me stopping myself, restraining myself from acting on a deeper impulse/force/desire felt.
There could be wisdom in fear too.
Because a wise man has greater vision and can see far-ranging consequences of actions.
Fear/Contraction/Restraint/Stifling is not necessarily negative.

Now, I went further into the inquiry, wondering about, why is the deeper part of me attracting destruction/destructive forces to me?
This has been happening for as long as I remember, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.
Why is my higher self against my physical thriving? (why do I have a hermit lifestyle? why am I not investing in material security, relationship security etc.?)
When I pondered on this, I realized there is a lot of background metaphysics context that is needed to really look into this question.
What I am resisting/fearing is destruction/dissolution and what I am looking forward to is maintenance/enhancement.
But that part of me is only a small part of me.
There are many more deeper dimensions.
The metaphysics relevant for this case is that:
“Form itself represents lower energy.
The formless is higher energy, and the formless is FREE to take any form as its appearance. But form by itself cannot change without the aid of the formless energy transforming it.”
I remember from my earliest days, my deepest desire was for freedom.
And since the physical form is inherently limited and low energy, I always wanted to transcend it.
That is why I never invested much in my physical identity.
I pondered: Could this be one of the transition stages, one of my final incarnations, to really complete the impulses/desires of the physical and finishing up before moving on to the subtler higher energy realms?
That resonates with the way I have felt all my life.
So then in a way, my higher self is purposely attracting destructive forces, and it reminds me of the dialogue from the movie Jacob’s ladder:
“The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they’re not punishing you, he said. They’re freeing your soul. If you’re frightened of dying and… and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It’s just a matter of how you look at it.”
When a sugar cube gets dissolved into water, is it getting destroyed? or is there simply a transformation of essence?
When seen from a limited perspective, it looks like destruction is destroying essence itself but really, the essence only changes into a subtler form.
Like say I take gold and powder it, and powder it until you cannot see the powder, it will look like the gold has vanished. But really it has only vanished from your perception, not in essence.
Similarly I think, the resistance/fear is coming from the portion of me identified with the physical body, the animal part of me.
Every form/structure/formation/cell resists dissolution.
Like centripetal and centrifugal force, there are 2 forces in us:
‘Self preservation(identification with form)’ and ‘Longing to dissolve(identification with formless)’ forces.
It is not one or the other, rather it is about which is greater.
So when the higher self being a stronger force moves you along the path of dissolution into a higher energy essence form, your lower self experiences change/death, and that is why the resistance and in a way, this suffering is inevitable and can be greatly reduced if the deeper metaphysics is fully understood.
The despair/doom/pain/suffering/resistance are all experiences of the part of that is identified with form.
But if the part of you that longs for freedom is too strong, it will lead you into dissolution.
Notice your longings carefully, and you will see that all that is happening is working with perfection according to the actuals of the forces within.

The 2 drives:
Life drive ——–and——– Death drive
Are both resistances from the lower mortal self -> 2 kinds of rebellion.
To try to die faster than it is happening is to direct aggression towards destruction = death drive.
To try to keep/maintain or enhance things when they are not supported by the higher, is to again direct aggression towards enhancement or maintenance of status quo = life drive.
So what it means in truth/essence is that, life = transformation.
It is now. It is the direct vibration of perception itself.
To the mortal self: It feels like:
Construction = heaven —— Destruction = hell.
But to the deeper self, it is the opposite:
Construction of mortal form = limitation = lower energy state of being —— Destruction of the mortal form = Dissolution = Freedom = Higher energy subtler state of being.
Both the perspectives of the mortal self and the deeper self are simultaneously operating.
Feel your inner space, and understand their dynamics within you, and when you fully allow both construction and destruction, you become the allowing itself, and get subsumed into the NOW.
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Life force is the true currency

violetfire

Imagine if there is a ‘life force slider’ and a ‘1 sec = 1 day time’ lapse of a person standing.
If you make life force 0, how long will the degeneration take? 5 to 10 secs?
Whereas if you make the life force full, for say 80 years of life, how long would the degeneration take then? approx 8.75 hours.
So the nature’s degradation rate (its own force) = 5 secs or less
And the rate of degeneration when having life force = 8 hours 45 minutes = 31500 seconds = 6300 times greater than nature’s degradation.
So life force degradation = 6300 times slower than nature’s/earth’s degradation.
That is the level of difference life force makes.

Think of the implications of this.
So we can say, the entirety of your system’s body and its integrity is UPHELD by LIFE-FORCE (prana) only.
Otherwise your body/system/structure will consumed in practically an instant by earth’s natural forces, back into itself.
So all aging is only from the reduction in life force energy.
And all youthing(if there is such a word) is only from the increase in life force energy.
Aging (lose life force) ——————- Youthing (provide life force)
The invisible ‘life force/prana/shakti’ is the real determinant and the ‘only real currency’ fundamentally speaking.

Now, what are the determinants of life force?
If life force itself is invisible then wouldn’t its determinants also be invisible and even subtler?
How can the gross things like food/lifestyle etc. be the determinant of life force?
The gross can only facilitate or impair life force, but it cannot DETERMINE life force.
So by studying the gross you are only studying facilitation, you are only working within the means and making the best adjustments.
It is like learning to live within your means and budget, but it will not INCREASE your fundamental amount of money available.
It will do nothing in terms of understanding the life force itself, and like I wrote earlier that is the TRUE CURRENCY.
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The game of masks

gameofmasks

The game of masks:
Some people wear an [identity/mask/role/act], enjoy it, and then remove it.
And once alone or in a safe place, they remove the mask and then reflect on the act/mask/identity/role from their Real Self.
Some others NEVER remove the mask of identity/role.
They want to wear it 24×7 and lose themselves into believing they are that.

Someone like a sociopath has a very tough and thick mask, because it has been created from very early in life from “extraordinary levels of shame”.
So accordingly, since structure = power, they exude more confidence, charisma, and power.
And then, they try to play the game of masks with others, lose themselves into their game, and a corollary/extension of that is that “they apply the same principle in terms of what they are interested in when it comes to others”.
Since they themselves are actors and are trying to find the ultimate act to lose themselves into, they are always on the lookout for how to make the mask stronger.
So they look at other people wearing masks, and are attracted to them, and they are always curious about what mask/act to wear.
Because that is their very mission statement “Find the greatest personality/mask/identity/structure/role, that will give the greatest rewards and goodies from everyone.” More importantly they want a mask that is invincible and indestructible -> because all masks are “inherently insecure” and are really dependent upon others and social systems for their mere survival.
So really, they are enslaved to what is allowed/tolerated/celebrated in the matrix because their entire identity/mask/role is really a socially and other-conferred one, and rests on mercurial flimsy ground.

They are living off the alms of others, in the most fundamental sense.
They are aware of this, and that is why there is a heavy investment in manipulation and defenses – so that not only are they never detected, they also do a preemptive offensive attack on anybody who even attempts to disillusion them of their act/role/mask/identity.
They try to secure love and admiration everywhere, shaping themselves into whatever it takes to get the maximum of that, as a permanent antidote to insecurity.
They are constantly on the lookout for conventional positions of power, because then with that stable position, they have much greater security, and people are far more likely to tolerate their whims, tantrums, oppression and so on.
They are also hyper-controlling of everyone around, they frame control everything everywhere, because really THIS is only an extension of the REAL frame control they are constantly doing to themselves in order to constantly make them believe in the mask.

A kind of self-hypnosis, that becomes automated in them to such an extent, it then extends itself into controlling all of their environment and all of their interactions – inevitably coming across as oppressive to others.
To make up for that, they go into episodes of love-bombing, great people-pleasing, gift-giving, inflating their value etc. something to compensate, something such that the pros outweigh the cons, to keep up the idea that it is worth/valuable/great living with them, and that they are great people basically.

Underneath all of that is toxic shame.
A shame so terrible, they would do anything rather than look at that.
Isn’t that the reason anybody would choose to wear a MASK 24×7 and choose to never ever remove it?
Imagine if someone close to you did that one day, wearing a full mask the whole day, what would you ask them? “What is wrong, did you get mumps? some lip infection? some acne? some other skin infection? some scar? some injury?”
Would you not associate this with something along the lines above?
This is the basis for all those who wear masks and never choose to remove it.
The shame behind those is so much, that it turns off self-reflection irrevocably/totally/completely.
Even if someone with that level of toxic shame reads this whole essay, it will still not motivate them to look at the source of his shame.
Rather he might try to use all of this information as TOOLS to manipulate someone else, to strengthen the mask itself, rather than USE THIS TOOL for his OWN reflection.
Such is the power of shame = More often than not, they will choose death over self-reflection.
Is shame worse than physical death? = Is a good question to ponder.
One thing is clear though, the deepest origin of all MASKS (when one chooses to lose themselves completely into it) is SHAME.

From a more abstract level:
The individual is the microcosm, while society is the macrocosm.
An individual suppresses/represses things depending on the severity of shame present.
The same holds true for the larger collective we call society.
Society suppresses/represses things in its own scale and this affects all the individuals too.
There is shame at the level of the collective/society itself.
Look at the criminals in jails, asylums etc.
They all represent what society has rejected.
Certain behaviors/potentials of god are considered acceptable, while certain others are simply not-tolerated/suppressed/shunned/or even attacked.
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The repression of the reality of death

There is a fundamental imbalance I have noticed as a pattern throughout civilization and society (the one around me now).
Death has not been integrated into Life.
We repress anything to do with death and handle it in a kind of desperate uneasy way, we shield the reality of this as much as we can and when it happens it carries the context of: “What an unexpected tragedy, this should not have happened, this is unfair and sudden, but I will have to do whatever I can to manage this (said despondently)”.
Why should this be the case?
Why is the collective repressing the reality of death?
That I feel is the true elephant in the room that is being repressed.
We all play/act and pretend like it does not exist and we have an implicit agreement to never speak or discuss it unless really needed and only to the extent required.

This collective repression and denial of the reality of death has consequences throughout the ways in which we live our lives.
Every aspect of our lifestyle carries this feature too.
Marriage/new relationships are celebrated, while breakups are looked down upon, like “There must be a mistake, this is really wrong, should not happen etc.”.
Even the word breakup carries such a violent unceremonious negative connotation.
How can creativity flow freely if things once acquired are simply frozen?
Both the processes of acquisition and dissolution are like 2 wings of the bird of freedom/change/creative flow.
We are actually stifling the movement of life by denying the reality of death, because they both need each other for the higher purpose which is flow, expression, and creation.

There is a similar situation with consumer products.
It is so easy to purchase products now with the whole global e-commerce now booming in the online sphere.
But it is at least 10 times more difficult to find information and sell what you already possess. It is even difficult to find useful ways to pass on what you have even free of cost in a way that someone else could benefit and use.
The information is not AS READILY available as when you want to purchase.
There is definitely a gigantic imbalance I see.
There is so much hype about the building of a new product, with all the marketing, first day sales etc.
But the phasing out of old products with proper burial (which in this case might mean, the dismantling and salvaging of all of its raw materials, and reusing or returning it to the environmental cycles efficiently) is not done.
Where does all the garbage go?
It is not recycled and put back to its right place.
There is a right place for everything.
Like even poop forms great manure for trees/plants etc.
So as a result of this, we have an endless accumulation of the garbage created by old products.
Who is going to do the cleanup?
The responsibility is on us, it is our willful ignorance and denial of the reality of death that is the root cause here.
We emphasize creation, but not the efficient passing on of the stuff we have gathered to the next generation, or the proper recycling of stuff back into the environment.
Deep inside, there is a denial of the reality of death, which manifests as a feeling that we will live forever. We never even CONSIDER the reality of our own death.
Only if we did that, would we put effort into the correct recycling of our possessions (RE-CYCLING is the key word, life and death is a cycle, and nature has its own cycles. Ideally we should study these cycles and work in harmony with them.)

This is a collective problem and also an individual problem, as I see it.
There are many other smaller instances of this pattern.
Most of us forward bend far more than backward bend in our lifestyles.
We focus on what to eat and treat it like a ceremony and ritual, but when it comes to poop, we want to get done with it with as little consciousness as possible.
We emphasize work/achievement/building but sideline aspects like relaxation/rest/deconstructing (or we do those things only to get back to our prime focus of work and use it instrumentally).
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Whose expectations determine our behavior and self?

Are others responding to what you expect from them? OR Are you responding to what others expect from you?
Are you conditioning others’ behavior? OR Are others conditioning your behavior?
Are we being the way we are because we are that way? OR as a response to what the other expects?
Are we ACTING or REACTING?
Do you expect to be treated a certain way? and that is why the other is simply fulfilling your own request? OR Are you simply behaving in accordance and taking on a role based on the other’s expectation?

These questions are like koans that lead you beyond.
Both sides are true.
Between the self and other, there is total mutual inter-relationship.
Deep psychoanalysis will at times tell you that if you are constantly abused then somewhere you are playing a 50% role of enabling it. You allow and attract such people and even allow their behavior because you want them to do that to you.
And the converse can also be explained. That if the other is a narcissistic bully he conditions your role i.e. to be a hostage for his rageaholic monologues etc.
So what is the truth?
Is your own expectation attracting such treatment? OR Is the bad other forcing you to behave that way to protect yourself?

Is our role and behavior in life conditioned by what others expect from us?
OR are others simply complying with what we expect from them?

Both are true and are simultaneous.
Since the mind can only grok one side at a time, we may bias ourselves to either seeing the self as responsible or other as responsible.
But in truth, both are happening simultaneously.
This simultaneity of occurrence cannot be grasped in one thought, it goes beyond the capacity of the linear mind to hold.
So we can examine only 1 at a time, but both are true.

cubes

From that higher level, we can see that there is only god.
The self, the other, their relationship, who is doing whom etc. is like the perspective puzzle of “Do you see 6 cubes or 7 cubes?”
The truth is – it is 6, it is 7, it is both, it is neither, all of the above, neither of the above, all of the above and beyond, neither of the above and beyond etc.
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Experiential Reality needs no proof

There is no proof needed for experiential reality.
The experience and the proof are one.
Because proof is to simply add a certification/validation/confirmatory wrapper over the raw information.
It is an additive layer that gives validity to the whole package – furnishing the package with proof and consequently certifying its validity too.
In experiential reality, the seeing is either present or absent.
If present then no proof is needed, it is already ascertained.

To become aware of something new, is expansion and realization of consciousness itself.
You either see it (realize it) or you don’t.
It is your sensitivity to see it or not.
Most practices are only invitations/favorable conditions to sensitize you to seeing certain spaces/phenomena OR they awaken certain sensitivities lying below your current threshold.
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Are you sure you want to be healed/cured/healthy?

Lets really dive deep into this matter.
Everyone assumes that their desire is always for a greater, better, and nicer life filled with health, vitality, exuberance, joy, prosperity, and riches.
That is the collective assumption each person holds about their innermost motivations.
But really? Are you sure? Have you ever REALLY looked inside and asked yourself if that is what you really want?
Maybe you want to be sick? Maybe you want to be seriously sick? Maybe you want to punish yourself to death? Maybe you want to end this entire life, that is commit suicide (suicide as an attitude, not the act per say)? Do you want to live a ‘living death’?
Is your innermost motivation to die? and facilitate dying in every possible way by constantly attracting severe and hostile circumstances to your life?
This may sound morbid, but the truth can be quite eye-opening if this is really examined without ASSUMING stuff just because it sounds normal or good.
Do you really want to get alright? OR Is there much more going on than just simply believing that?

Lets consider the 2 basic orientations:
Life drive ——————- Death drive
Life drive moves towards enhancing life while fearing death.
Death drive moves towards enhancing death while fearing life.
In a way both are orientations based on fear of the opposite.

I’ll speak about a few cases here.
In childhood, were you the spoilt child or the lost child?
Spoilt child —————- Neglected child
The spoilt child lets say becomes a narcissist, which means there is great love for the ‘self’ (whatever structure it has formed), and there is a desire to enhance the self at all costs even if it means sacrificing and destroying others.
The child then endlessly looks for ways of self-aggrandizement, glorification, beautification, and better survival OR he may become a fire-starter, notorious, attract negative attention etc.
Why? Because they value that structure of self so much.
This is actually an internalization of the “positive or negative parent attention” that was received.
Even if his life circumstance becomes terrible, he may wish for the destruction of the world and other people, create justified rage for everything(rage = anger, and anger cannot be there, unless there is desire, and desire cannot be there unless there is love(in this case for the self)).
However, he would still work towards preserving and enhancing himself to the hilt from the love of the self-image.

The profoundly neglected child on the other hand receives no parental attention at all.
It tends to develops a self that acts more like a martyr and also operates in a primary mood of despair.
The despair of having to put in a bunch of efforts to constantly survive in order to protect a worthless self anyway.
The profoundly neglected child may get burnt out later from all his martyrdom, and then retreat more and more into hermetic isolation with profound hatred/detachment towards everyone and everything.
The deeper truth about this is that, the parental rejection of him/her in childhood has been internalized as the self (phantom critic self) which then subjects the ‘real self’ to the same neglect and hostile attitude(of endless deprivation, slow poisoning, condemnation and punishment).
The message internalized is “We dont want you, nobody needs you here, you are a waste, you don’t deserve to exist, why don’t you just die and relieve us of the burden of having you around?”

Let’s talk more about the latter case.
Because narcissistic personalities abound in society and have been studied quite a bit.
But what has not received attention in my opinion are the silent people on the periphery living on the boundary between life and death – the profoundly neglected folk.

It does not matter how smart or erudite they may seem.
In fact more often than not, they are extremely knowledgable and intelligent too.
They become so, from all their efforts to overcome their own impossible inner critic.
The death drive(internalized phantom self critic), drives them to the height of accomplishment, but no amount of accomplishment is remotely enough for the death drive to be released.
That is why they are just assaulted from every direction with a sense of hopelessness, abandonment, isolation, despair, futility, pain no matter what they do, all of which only serves as distractions from avoiding the true harshness of their underlying condition.
It may lead to:
– compulsive isolation (because that is the only thing that feels safe), daydreaming, fantasy
– OR compulsive busyness
– OR martyrdom in the form of service for others
– OR belief in some kind of myth like “knowledge will free me” or “perfection in obeying laws is the answer” etc.
– OR may become a pleasure seeker.
There are different ways of coping with this condition, but the underlying cause is from “internalization of the rejecting neglecting other (parental figures or caregivers etc.)”
Nothing can redeem the ‘fallen self’ from the eyes of this ‘critical phantom self’. This phantom self is ruthlessly punishing and tormenting – so much, that the only real wish of the living self is for death which sets up the death drive.

So, if your condition is of the ‘neglected rejected self’ and if your ‘internalized myths’ are similar, then “failure = success”.
Changing your diet, lifestyle, doing yogic practices, exercise, herbs etc. whatever you do may not really REMOVE this shape shifting tyrannical monster that torments you from within.
Because the origin of the condition is from the MYTHIC level of consciousness.
Find out the root of your self-rejection.
It takes immense courage to face up to it, because all the other stuff actually is more of a distraction and patch-work compared to the true work of understanding the matrix of your own innermost intentions.
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Stillness is relative, Analogies from astronomy

Stillness is relative.
You achieve stillness when you move at the same speed as the object you wish to have still in your vision.
To attain stillness with life, you have to move at the same speed as life.
This is done by ‘allowing’ all motion to happen.
In totally allowing yourself to be moved, your experience becomes still.
Since everything is moving, there is no absolute still point to observe from.
When you move in total alignment with the movement of god’s will(the will of the WHOLE}, creation appears STILL.

Lets take some general examples to fire up our wonder and imagination.
star-trails

When you stand on earth, you are moving along with the earth(i.e. moving along with the frame of reference of the earth), therefore the earth(ground/scenery) appears to be still while the sky contents seem to be moving (stars moving, sun moving, moon moving, planets moving etc.).
Therefore to see the contents of the earth from a still point of view, you need to move with the earth.

space-station-view

Whereas if you stood still in the sky (i.e. a fixed point in the space, like say you were looking from a non-orbiting fixed space station close to the earth), the earth under you would be whirling at 28km/sec, while the sky contents would remain relatively still.

Generally the concept of objectivity refers to precisely this, to observe a system from a point of view that is outside of the system itself.
Because from a point of view outside of the system, the whole system can be observed as an “Object”. That is why the term “Objective”.

solarsytem

Similarly when observing the solar system, you have to move along with the whole solar system itself(i.e. move at the same speed as the entire solar system as it goes around the milky way) to have the solar system appear still in your vision.

There are profound implications to the metaphors/analogies presented above.
For instance, say you are perfectly indoctrinated into a religion.
Then that religion would become fixed for you, would appear still and eternal, as eternal truth, while everything else, such as the world, other people, other systems of belief etc. would seem to all revolve/change around this central frame of reference and appear empty.
This is similar to being on Earth (seeing Earth as real/ever-present) and viewing Venus in the sky as a passing possibility that comes up as a bright dot and goes back under the horizon. While the residents in Venus(would see Venus as real/ever-present) would see earth like a dot that moves in a certain way in the sky and vanish.
Each one would see their reality as real/truth/eternal/ever-present, and the other’s reality as a changing/empty arising-passing phenomena.

So if each one sees the changing outer world through the structure of his fixed eyes, then who is seeing the truth?
Again here, truth is relative.

earthvenussun

For instance, an entity on Earth can see Venus from its point of view.
An entity on Venus can see Earth from its point of view.
But an entity that is outside of the solar system can see the entire solar system from its point of view. Which means this entity sees the patterns of both Earth and Venus, and the dance between them, and the interactions of other planets with them, and this is something that the ones on Earth or Venus cannot see OBJECTIVELY because they themselves are moving.
So is the entity outside of the solar system seeing greater and vaster truth compared to the ones on Earth or Venus? Yes!
Similarly an entity outside of the Milky Way can see the entire Galaxy and all its patterns, and this would be an even greater point of view than the entity that was outside the solar system.

milky-way

Interestingly all the entities see an INFINITE PICTURE of INFINITE COMPLEXITY.
So there is a sort of fractal/holographic nature to this whole thing.
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Some of the vain myths that may occupy the sexual chakra

LOC = level of consciousness (a term taken from the ‘David Hawkins calibrated Levels of consciousness’)

PART 1: Attraction to LOC 150-175:
Shame core -> Outer raging (to hide the shame).

They believe they are already rejected/shamed, their heart is closed and does not see, but rather only projects its inner reality outward.
Then from that vision, all they see is their hated objects, and they rage at it and try to prove to the world that they are worthy.
They punish everyone else who is attracted to them, by “impossible demands” -> purposely to take out the rage.
It is a “vengeance” life. All of their outer life is about proving to the world their worth and being vengeant towards the world.
This is purposely done, so that intimacy is never achieved.
They prove in a self-fulfilling prophecy: “[internal shame + internal distrust of the world + They believe the world is unfair/not good] -> and then project that vision, and then rage/attack at it for not being so while also trying to prove to the world that they are worthy/good/deserve acceptance and love”.
This is a fractal of the [150-175] life negative LOC and it is “self-centeredness/selfishness” only.

I actually love them for their truth, and I can feel myself really wanting to heal their shame by somehow getting through all their attacks, reaching their core and then resurrecting them, and opening their heart.
I feel a strong urge to pass through all their brutal attacks with increasing intensity like a brave martyr/warrior, believing that if I somehow withstood it and reached the core, I could actually reach ‘where they are’ and resurrect that.
But since their heart is closed, the closer I get, I am only more viciously attacked and I have to ultimately retreat, because even if I did reach the core it is futile/pointless.
Their heart is closed, and they are not open to receiving.
The real reason why I abandon pursuit is when I see the futility of it, at that time, I just drop everything.
So all the sexual pursuit and putting up with the abuse, only leads to despair/futility at the end.
These people are actually extremely transparent and simple, there are only 2 layers to them: SHAME on the inside, and emanation of RAGE on the outside.

If you are attracted to a girl or guy with this pattern,
The VAIN MYTH here is that: The person can be resurrected if I tolerate their increasing rage on me until I reach their core and redeem them.
But this is a rescue fantasy again, because only THEY THEMSELVES can release their shame and heal themselves.
I will die a vain death by going into the rage fully. That is why I oscillate between the libido for sacrifice and bearing pain vs. the futility of all of it (ambivalent libido).
The promise of rescue is an illusion and therefore the mission of possible martyrdom and going into the rage is in vain.
Only when they want to heal truly, can the healing happen.
No force in the universe can make them heal otherwise.
A closed heart can only heal if it decides to open itself.
Until then nobody else can open it.
This is the law of: Respect the free will of beings, it can never be breached.
Nobody can ever open a closed-heart, it will only open when it is ready.

PART 2: Attraction to LOC 100-125:

Characteristics: “Dissociated” nihilism mindset of cluelessly fawning and taking refuge under everyone else.
Dissociation, Lostness, Numbness, Fear, Fawning.
The myth of: Rescuing the helpless lost waif, princess in distress.

Here they numb themselves out of reality and live in a dissociated space where everything looks numb and equivalent (nihilism).
The attraction here is to save/rescue/’be the savior’ of the lost/mad soul who has lost its way.
Here again, it cannot be saved, unless it WANTS to be saved.

So the VAIN MYTH here is of:
Rescuing the one who does not want to be rescued, by giving various discourses about ‘truth and themselves’ and teaching them how to see.
Again free will trumps here.
You can only help/save/rescue/’be a savior’ if the person wants to be rescued in the first place.
Only when they have reached that level of maturity and growth will they be willing. Until then you must let them be.
They cannot be forcibly dragged into truth, and must choose it out of their own free will.
Only WHEN WILLING, can they be saved and anyways there would be no resistance/suffering/problems/struggle at all if that were the case.