Is your deeper desire to transcend the physical?

Today, I was travelling in a shared taxi and the passenger next to me had a moderate cold (cold virus) and was constantly sniffling. As a reaction to this, I tensed up my body esp. in the stomach and chest, tightening all those inner muscles, and tried to breathe less, and look away from him as much as possible.
The journey lasted 30m, so this condition I was in was getting painful, and I felt really irritated at the passenger beside me, feeling an impulse to just attack him. I ofcourse restrained myself, and put up with this resistance within me and when I reached my destination, the ordeal was over, and I could finally breathe normally again.

Even as those sensations happened in the taxi, I vowed to myself that I would stay AS CONSCIOUS AS POSSIBLE of every single thing happening.
A lot of deep insights came to me even while all of this was happening.
The first insight was that: Actually, my deeper self was ready to allow the cold virus to enter me. My deeper self felt like a omni-directional vacuum unconditionally receiving. It was attracting everything indiscriminately, and the resistance and tightening up I felt was my human self’s/body’s response to the deeper self’s indiscriminate vacuum like attraction.

So my body tightened from within as a protection, to prevent the destructive energy(cold virus) from being pulled in. So though it felt like the other man was to blame for my painful body contraction and so on, I could see that it was only an appearance/projection.
In reality I was afraid of my own deeper self’s attraction, and was resisting against that.
Then I thought about that more deeply, and realized, all fear is essentially your resistance to your own [higher/deeper self’s attraction], isn’t it? (the deeper self could represent the unconscious layer of self beneath the surface feelings/emotions/thoughts felt)
Another example of this would be, when I would peep out of a low balcony at a great height, say 500ft above the ground, I would wonder as to ‘why do I get the fear of falling felt as a contraction/restraint feeling?
I felt the resistance/contraction felt which is termed ‘fear’ which acts counter to the falling movement, is really my resistance towards my own deeper self’s desire to actually FALL (there is an attraction to let go and fall).
The same is true when sometimes if I look at a girl who is provocatively dressed and attractive to me, I feel FEAR (sensation is of contraction and restraint).
What am I really fearing? My fear is actually preventing my deeper self from acting on its desire of being drawn to her.
Similarly, if someone is acting rudely and violating me, I feel fear again, because it is to restrain me (my deeper desire) from attacking him back, which would lead to undesirable consequences for me in the larger picture.
So I see that all fear is me stopping myself, restraining myself from acting on a deeper impulse/force/desire felt.
There could be wisdom in fear too.
Because a wise man has greater vision and can see far-ranging consequences of actions.
Fear/Contraction/Restraint/Stifling is not necessarily negative.

Now, I went further into the inquiry, wondering about, why is the deeper part of me attracting destruction/destructive forces to me?
This has been happening for as long as I remember, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.
Why is my higher self against my physical thriving? (why do I have a hermit lifestyle? why am I not investing in material security, relationship security etc.?)
When I pondered on this, I realized there is a lot of background metaphysics context that is needed to really look into this question.
What I am resisting/fearing is destruction/dissolution and what I am looking forward to is maintenance/enhancement.
But that part of me is only a small part of me.
There are many more deeper dimensions.
The metaphysics relevant for this case is that:
“Form itself represents lower energy.
The formless is higher energy, and the formless is FREE to take any form as its appearance. But form by itself cannot change without the aid of the formless energy transforming it.”
I remember from my earliest days, my deepest desire was for freedom.
And since the physical form is inherently limited and low energy, I always wanted to transcend it.
That is why I never invested much in my physical identity.
I pondered: Could this be one of the transition stages, one of my final incarnations, to really complete the impulses/desires of the physical and finishing up before moving on to the subtler higher energy realms?
That resonates with the way I have felt all my life.
So then in a way, my higher self is purposely attracting destructive forces, and it reminds me of the dialogue from the movie Jacob’s ladder:
“The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they’re not punishing you, he said. They’re freeing your soul. If you’re frightened of dying and… and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It’s just a matter of how you look at it.”
When a sugar cube gets dissolved into water, is it getting destroyed? or is there simply a transformation of essence?
When seen from a limited perspective, it looks like destruction is destroying essence itself but really, the essence only changes into a subtler form.
Like say I take gold and powder it, and powder it until you cannot see the powder, it will look like the gold has vanished. But really it has only vanished from your perception, not in essence.
Similarly I think, the resistance/fear is coming from the portion of me identified with the physical body, the animal part of me.
Every form/structure/formation/cell resists dissolution.
Like centripetal and centrifugal force, there are 2 forces in us:
‘Self preservation(identification with form)’ and ‘Longing to dissolve(identification with formless)’ forces.
It is not one or the other, rather it is about which is greater.
So when the higher self being a stronger force moves you along the path of dissolution into a higher energy essence form, your lower self experiences change/death, and that is why the resistance and in a way, this suffering is inevitable and can be greatly reduced if the deeper metaphysics is fully understood.
The despair/doom/pain/suffering/resistance are all experiences of the part of that is identified with form.
But if the part of you that longs for freedom is too strong, it will lead you into dissolution.
Notice your longings carefully, and you will see that all that is happening is working with perfection according to the actuals of the forces within.

The 2 drives:
Life drive ——–and——– Death drive
Are both resistances from the lower mortal self -> 2 kinds of rebellion.
To try to die faster than it is happening is to direct aggression towards destruction = death drive.
To try to keep/maintain or enhance things when they are not supported by the higher, is to again direct aggression towards enhancement or maintenance of status quo = life drive.
So what it means in truth/essence is that, life = transformation.
It is now. It is the direct vibration of perception itself.
To the mortal self: It feels like:
Construction = heaven —— Destruction = hell.
But to the deeper self, it is the opposite:
Construction of mortal form = limitation = lower energy state of being —— Destruction of the mortal form = Dissolution = Freedom = Higher energy subtler state of being.
Both the perspectives of the mortal self and the deeper self are simultaneously operating.
Feel your inner space, and understand their dynamics within you, and when you fully allow both construction and destruction, you become the allowing itself, and get subsumed into the NOW.

Fractal soul visions

Linear time is within a certain frame of reference staying constant.
Beyond linear time is circular time.
And beyond circular time are eternal higher dimensional realities etc.
It gets more and more abstract.

Sometimes when our visions get abstract enough we can see abstract gestalts/patterns repeating again and again like time running through a mobius strip.

For me, the common themes I wrestle with are between:
– Being and Non-being
– Becoming and Unbecoming
– Ground and Groundlessness
– Knowing and Unknowing
– Striving and Surrender
– Linear time and Non-linear time
– Attainment and Non-attainment
– Order and Chaos
– Enlightenment and Non-enlightenment
– Home and travel
– Knowledge and Innocence
– Reality and Illusion

I can explain some of these things with poetic visions.
Here are some of them below:

Vision 1:

abyssedge

I have 2 choices, stay with what I know (what is in my hand) or the other choice is to jump into an unknown abyss.
I am detached from what I have and so at times I get the courage and jump into the abyss.
Now imagine you fall and fall through the unknown but there is no ground and you land up again at a similar place where you were standing before and again there is the same choice – stick to what is in hand(known) or just into the abyss(unknown).
Again this repeats, I work on letting go of the known in hand and get the courage and jump, and this repeats again and again.
This is the play between knowing and unknowing
It is the play between ground and groundlessness

Vision 2:

dream

Imagine you are in a dream and you are trying to wake up, but every time you think you have woken up you later realize you have still been dreaming. And so you try to wake up again, and once again think you have woken up, only to realize soon after that you are still dreaming and have to work again to wake up.
This is the play between reality and illusion

Vision 3:

sandsculpture

I build myself up like a sand structure from the chaos of possibility of the sand on the ground.
I feel I have attained knowledge and being, but soon it falls back to the ground.
Then again I get inspired, and I build another structure, work on it and reach a milestone, only for it to go back to the ground again.
This is like a looping struggle to BE something and not fall back to non-being.
This can be seen as the play of order vs. chaos.
This can also be seen as the play of attainment vs. non-attainment.
It is also the play between becoming and unbecoming.

Vision 4:

Home

Imagine whenever you settled in a place, buy some things, make yourself a home there and create security for yourself, you feel its time to move. You have to move and leave everything behind, go through the grief, and do a similar settlement in your next spot, only for you to again get the impulse to move and do it again.
This is the play between home and travel.

Vision 5:

watchingmovie

Imagine you are sitting in a theater seat and watching a movie, and you go through the story with the hero suffering gains and losses. Suddenly you feel it is getting too much and you want to snap out of it and you come back to your theater seat. You realize that you were always in that seat, nothing has really changed, and the whole movie was an illusion. But then shortly after coming back to the theater seat and disillusioning yourself, you see something else interesting in the screen that once again enchants you, and you start to gain knowledge from investment. And this happens again and again.
This is the play between alternating enlightenment and non-enlightenment
This is the play between alternating knowledge and innocence.

 

Deep Sleep, Transformation, Gunas, and Innocence

Food and substances can be had in a way that maximizes sattva and minimizes tamas.
Essentially, sattva = high vibration (gaseous) – highest energy in the molecules/being
rajas = medium vibration (water) – medium energy in the molecules/being
tamas = low vibration (solid) – lowest energy so it clumps up
One recharges sattva via deep sleep – basically through the circadian rhythm.
Other conscious activities do help – like relaxation, meditation etc. but again they may disturb the circadian rhythm too.
For instance, if you deeply meditate in the evening for 1 hour – you may not be able to sleep that night. That is the same like sleeping at an odd time like 6pm in the evening and expecting that you will sleep at 12pm in the night as usual.

So in a sense the underworld, The dragon of chaos, the primordial chaos, is -> if you cannot sleep.
The circadian rhythm and [deep sleep/dreaming and its depth] determines the amount of energy one has.
If you lose this capacity to profoundly relax, you also lose your ability to be profoundly awake.
In a sense, paradoxically, conscious relaxation and degree of awakeness are the same.
The person who is always deep at rest, is also deeply awake to that same degree.
That is why a person who does not try to be awake is more awake than the person who tries to be, because such a person has even let go of that tension of trying to be more awake. So only he is truly resting in the Dao.

Once one penetrates to the [Ego-aware, Construct-aware dark night of soul] stage of development, then the very ego/self/will/desire is perceived to be a stress/tension/pain and there is this deeper desire to release it all into the NOW/Dao/Infinite.
One consciously surrenders/gives up all to the unknowing/unbecoming/undoing – like melting into deep sleep – because it is seen with pristine dreadful lucidity that identification with the self construct is the cause of suffering/tension/pain/stress itself.
So the next obvious step then becomes to let yourself relax more and more/fall more and more – to relax yourself beyond recognition – because when the self construct is relaxed, it dissolves (its very structure is maintained by unconscious tension) – so the territory of oblivion is entered, where you do not know who you are anymore and you definitely do not want to go back to your old self/construct (the very stress from which you relaxed yourself out of).

So the self construct is dissolved into something larger, which you awaken into. Like if the self was sugar, it is now dissolved into water.
Your experiencing the dissolving is like dying into the unknown, and when the dissolving is complete, you wake up to your nature as water, you are then re-born.
All death/rebirth/alchemy/resurrection/dissolution appears to have this process. You surrender into the unknown underworld, whose forces are initially painful, then later those very forces become your friends.
The so called devils who were ripping you apart, are now seen as angels freeing you from these tension/structures/false-identifications.

The perspective shifts from seeing all that is happening as an oppressive/tyrannical/eating-away from devils/scavengers to seeing that one has voluntarily/willingly surrendered/given into the action of these forces to be liberated from self.
You could see these dissolving agents as acidic/devils or angels/liberators depending on your orientation.
If you’re eyes are on wanting to holding on -> they are devils, if your eyes are on liberation -> they are angels/helpers.
You lose you old, and what do you get in return? NOTHING. The nothing is born, the old form dies.
The final gift is YOUR ABSENCE, this absence of self is the greatest git.
Every death is an alchemy/transformation – and every death is not death, because death can never be, it is always a rebirth.

There is no life without innocence, death is the return to innocence/freshness.
Like Alan Watts would say, to know everything is to live in the dead.
Spirit is magic, no magic is no life.
We can look at it like a spectrum OR a pendulum:
Re-filling knowledge/form ——————— emptying form/restoring innocence

When too innocent, we seek knowledge ardently.
When too knowledgeable, we seek innocence with the same gusto.
Just like a child, who is ushered into a playroom by his mother.
He enjoys exploring all the new toys, and once he is done, he goes back to the mother, so that she can take him somewhere else where he is once again innocent.

Innocence is the potential fire of knowledge-seeking.
Knowledge is the potential fire of innocence-seeking.
Like a pendulum or a rhythm.

What is Wisdom?

Wisdom is the architecture of the machine/system/play of existence.
It is the grand blueprint.
Wisdom IS, and does not change.
Knowledge on the other hand keeps evolving.
Wisdom is true understanding.
All essences are present in the play of existence.
Only their degree varies.
An analogy would be – a spectrum analyzer.

winamp_plugin_spectr

All the 16 channels are present and are available as potentials for the music system.
One can independently understand what these 16 channels are.
That would be wisdom.
Then the music plays the essences of these 16 channels, like the strings of a harp, to varying degrees.

Love = Knowledge, Extent of Love

When another person understands you, it’s their love/connection that understands.
When you understand another person, it’s your love/connection that understands.
If you understand others, but they do not understand you, then that is because your love is much greater and encompasses them.
Love = Connection = Light = Knowing = Understanding.
There is no difference between love and knowledge, and love is light, and light is knowledge.

Everything is relationship

immagine-tratta-dal-film-the-matrix-1999

To know one object, you have to know all other objects and its relationship to all other objects.
Now what is an object? = It is its relationship to other objects.
What is the other object? = It is the relationship of that to all the other(complement) objects
So the world of objects is like the world of the dictionary.
Like how the dictionary defines words from words.
It is basically a web of relationship.
Similarly the world of objects is very similar.
Every object is defined by its relationship to every other object.
So no object exists independently.
All objects exist only in MUTUAL INTERRELATIONSHIP to each other.
So every-THING/every object is relationship itself.
There is only relationship.
Even the self exists in relationship to all others.
The self itself IS THAT RELATIONSHIP to all others.
Even the other’s existence IS THE relationship it has to the rest of the others and the self.
So again everything/every-object/every-person exists ONLY IN TOTAL MUTUAL INTERRELATIONSHIP.
Nothing has independent existence apart its relationship to other things.
All knowledge is knowledge of RELATIONSHIP.
To KNOW an object completely is to KNOW its relationship to every other object.
So one must know the whole infinite universe, to know ONE object completely.
One can see the whole universe reflected in one object, if that object is kept in the center(frame of reference) and all its relationships to every other object are mapped from this point.
Similarly I can see another object as the center, and that would then become the center of the universe, again reflecting all other objects within itself as relationship.
So knowledge contained in every object is unlimited, because each and every object reflects the infinite (Brahman, Ultimate).
This is often reported as an experience on LSD, where you can shift your central point of view to any object in your perception and make that the central point of the universe, and thereby see the whole universe as reflected from that object’s point of view (which explains how some could see the whole universe reflected in an ordinary object like an ashtray).
With the knowledge potential being unlimited, we usually add limiting factors to knowledge based on its usefulness and relevance, basically based on our own desires and our own point of view, which can also be said to be a relationship of “our own forces” to the “infinite forces of the universe/ONE”.
So there are no objects, people or things, but rather there are only arrows pointing to arrows pointing to arrows and so on.
Its all part of a music.
The objects of the universe are all part of a song of dancing inter-relationship and have no intrinsic existence.

Love and Knowledge

All real knowledge is from love. To love is to BE.
Consciousness can be experienced from any point of view, and full knowledge can be gained about anything in existence, by unioning with it and BEING IT.
Some things/people are easy to BE. Some others are much more difficult.
But full knowledge can only be gained when we BE something totally – greater the extent to which you can immerse your energy in something, greater will be the knowledge you can gain about that thing.
Knowledge is therefore your capacity to BE.
Capacity to BE = Love = Knowledge = Empathy
Empathy is the expression of our shared being.

Spectrum:
Dharana—————– Dhyana—————– Samadhi (union)
In order to union with something totally, you first have to be entirely formless and empty, only then can you completely union with form.
Else your capacity to BE will be reduced accordingly, and thereby your capacity to love and know will be lower too.
Love is the ability to BE something, putting your substance into something, infusing yourself with it, unioning with it.
To the degree to which this can be done, your love is greater, and accordingly your knowing will be greater too.

Thoughts – Sept 7

Spectrums:
Habit(morphogenetic field, continuity, matrix)—————————Novelty (that which breaks it)
Order (Anti-entropy)—————————–Disorder (Entropy)
Natural————————-Artificial
They both go together like [self———other]

Evolution/Realignment from objective to the subjective – “what you think is what is true”
Its like “You see what you want to see”, “The reality you experience is exactly what you are holding on to (what you want, what you choose, what you desire)”
Then if everything is subjective, then what is the use of knowledge??
If everything is a dream, then what is the use of knowledge??
Knowledge then is for pleasure/transformation(which is deep pleasure), something you seek because you desire it, a potential available to you.
Knowledge is a modulator of reality.
Knowledge is exactly like food.
Hunger for knowledge is exactly like hunger for food.
Hunger and pleasure are stages within transformation.
Transformation stages:
Hunger for transformation ——-Gathering Material —— Consumption of material ——- Satiation——-Processing ——–Digestion/Assimilation/Absorption/Transformation ——New Hunger from transformed contents —- and so on.

By gathering knowledge, you are gathering experiences of specific temporal modulations(patterns) of reality.
These patterns of reality then cause a deeper transformation at a deeper intuitive level, which stays, even as the temporal pattern disappears or changes.
So in the spectrum of:
(tends to infinity) Unchanging ———|Intuitive|————|Experiences|———Changing (movement in visual field)

Nature -> Wind -> Dunes of sand.
Primal Force(god) -> Evolution Force (imprint of Primal Force) -> Genes (Imprint of past evolution)
Each left is a higher dimension version of the force on the right.
Every higher dimensional force has the power to create or dissolute lower dimensional force forms. (Causality is only an appearance in a structure maintained by a higher dimensional force which is free to dissolute or transform it at anytime)
That is why we have: spirit -> soul -> human body and so on.