Learning about the intricate workings of the human body and its workings is paralyzing me.
Its like the centipede thinking about how it is moving all its legs and it is thrown into chaos.
The body is insanely fragile and taking care of it means a total 100% commitment to it, causing 100% loss of freedom, from all its accumulated dos and donts.
The vulnerability of the body is enormous.
Everything and anything can potentially go wrong.
There is potential for endless hurts, injuries, pain and debilitation.
Pain ends all freedom.
Also the part that even if I perfectly take care of it, it is going to deteriorate and perish one day anyway right?
How does everyone ignore this plight of existence?
And what can really matter in this plane being such a paralyzing prison?
Reality is a paralyzing prison when seen by the thinking mind, as it tries to hold on to all of its knowledge in order to prevent damage, injury, pain, suffering, agony.
So how helpless I am, I have this fragile-fragile-body that can be destroyed by just about anything(innumerable forces)?
How can my intellect ensure my protection with this kind of existential condition?
My fear of pain and suffering – paralyzes me – because it can come from anywhere.
How can I fearlessly go about my activities, when I know that damage can come from anywhere?
It is also true that pleasure, growth, ecstasy, involvement, and great adventures too can come from anywhere.
But I have no idea what is what.
My mind is simply helpless against this infinity.
How much can it do and hold and strategize?
My mind must become a servant to god and simply handle whatever situation is given to it and whatever capacity it is given at that moment.
This is extraordinarily humiliating for my ego(mind) – My ego has to live like a total slave and submit to whatever reality the higher chooses at each moment.
What is the use of doing anything, when I can be broken down at any time, at the whim of the higher power?
The higher power does not show itself to most people, and so their ego is mostly in charge and quite confident.
But even if the higher power gives me one sweeping strike, my ego realizes how it can be pinned to the ground and debilitated completely by this force.
So yea then I am a servant of god, my ego and mind are servants of god/’higher reality’ inaccessible to me now.
How can I feel happy about this?
This is like abject servitude and enslavement.
What freedom do I as the ego have?
I am completely utterly enslaved.
I’m relegated to simply being a witness.
This is like being totally and utterly helpless and powerless.
The higher could give me a measly power and take it away anytime too, like a bully can corner a student, take away his stuff, and then say offer to give him back his pencil, only to pull it away from him when he reaches for it, and then have a laugh. What a humiliation it is.
The vulnerability I have to live with is that all of the worst hellish realities can happen, I can be mutilated, tortured, thwarted, cheated, ridiculed, overpowered, destroyed, disabled – anything can happen.
My own history is a testament too, to some of this.
I mean the dilemma here is, how am I stuck with a fragile body in a kind of unpredictable universe.
The other can be cruel/brutal to me or be kind/compassionate and I have no control. All I can do is put up a tantrum, start a non-cooperation and measly defenses against these forces.
And even if the good times come, how can I rest at ease thinking the tortures are gone forever, they are only a breath away and the entire reality can flip in an instant.
Such is my existential condition with its fragility, vulnerability and humiliation possibility.
On the other side, strength, power, toughness and grace are also possibilities, but it doesn’t damn matter because “I AM NOT IN CHARGE 😦 :(”
I will have to helplessly receive and do my part for whatever is given.
This is horrific humiliation.
How is this different from having a crazy huge dinosaur in your house, which sometimes licks your face, but you know very well, if he chooses, he can bite the shit out of you in seconds.
How can you feel good when he is nice to you and licks your face?
Won’t you be perennially terrified? and in fear? and in defense? and in a clenched contracted state? no matter what is given to you? – be it status quo, be it pain, be it pleasure, be it growth, be it death?
The point is, the very fundamental core of my existence is insecure.
I am like an ant walking happily on the street where it would only take a fraction of a second for a human to stomp on me, and even if I see it coming, I will have nowhere to run.
How can I live in such a scary existential situation where EVERYTHING can be taken away in an instant?
This is worse than serving Hitler, because at-least he could not take away your deep beliefs and philosophy.
Here in this case, the higher power can take away EVERYTHING and even ANNIHILATE you totally.
Not only that, we already have a death sentence, each and every human being, we are just standing on the death rows and even the time and place of our death is not revealed to us.
It will happen anytime when we are unprepared.
It is like your friend telling you that he will shoot you with a sniper anytime and you will never know when.
Now in this kind of existential situation, how can I feel assured, safe?
And what is trust really? God is both the creator and destroyer. So where is the question of trust when TOTAL destruction and the very elimination of all of you is only a matter of time?
Even what is good or bad, what is a blessing or curse, I cannot know with my measly mind.
I feel like an ant living inside an ant colony in the middle of the street, totally vulnerable to what the humans around me do to me.
A small boy might just come and kick the hill and destroy the colossal effort I put in to build it.
OR they could just throw a bucket of water, ruining everything leaving me gasping for my life and most probably dying.
How can I enjoy life in such an existential condition?
Every moment of this situation is terror and fear.
I cannot live like this, I want to be the creator and live as the creator and not as this severely humiliating pawn who is utterly at the MERCY of the unknown.
Children are like that, when they are born.
They are utterly at the mercy of their parents.
In the grander scheme how are we different from the new-borns in the hands of the higher power/God? We are completely and utterly at its mercy.
Without faith, not even 1/billionth of enjoyment would be possible.
Without faith, one would be cowering in fear and frozen into an unmoving ball – like the only man standing in front of a world of zombies from the “I am legend movie”.
But this faith for God cannot be for self-preservation because God is both the creator and destroyer, so it follows that you will be destroyed.
Death is inevitable for each and every one and every thing.
Imagine you created a puppet and that puppet has consciousness.
That is analogous to our condition, we are the puppets.
The puppet is us, and the creator is like the higher power.
When this terrifying condition of the ego is seen, the only quest is to find the higher truth and live as the deeper reality instead of living as the helpless ego.
This condition otherwise is the ultimate humiliation for the ego, its ultimate mockery.