Realize your source and live from there

My ego is mostly about – detect threat -> ward off threat
If there is no immediate threat around me, I try to foresee threats and start preparing for them.
What is fear?
Fear of being attacked.
The anticipation of being attacked.
Now I fear everyone and everything.
This fear forms the bricks of my heart prison.
As I remove each brick, I see each corresponding fear.
And I can see huge common clouds of increasing size.
Which means all these fears are coming from a “common large archetypal threat” whose class spawns the “individual instances of people/insects/situations” whatever they may be.
There is a hierarchy I perceive here too – from literal to the abstract.
Archetype is the class -> whose influence is carried by the beings who serve as its agents.
So I feel and make friends with the archetype itself or ask for forgiveness/contemplate on it, and live through whatever message that has for me, and I feel that dissolves the nexus of the multifarious threats coming from it.

All resolutions happen in the deep archetypal realms I feel.
The general context of our lives only reflects the larger puppeteers’ actions of moving the strings of the many characters and situations.
Fear and control go together.
Someone can control you, only once they install fear in you.
I thought – Create the correct environment in your psyche, use the correct deterrents and defenses to repel all parasitic beings.
Just like how one can keep one’s backyard clean – avoid wasp nests etc. – by planting repelling plants, coating with soap water solutions, and adding decoys, and so on.
Let the predator go about his business and leave you alone to do yours.
I think the purpose of the predator from my pov is to learn to transcend and protect myself from it – it’s a game.
Add beautiful repellents in your backyard (metaphor) -> and when there is a will there is a way -> there are so many things waiting for me to adopt them and cleanse myself of all the predators inside -> be it subtle ones like viruses in my gut and body, or overt ones like painful people around me.

I however see another issue, that my action will simply send the predator to someone else.
So should I be the great one, and withstand the predator, to save someone else?
That doesnt make sense in the larger picture – that looks like martyrdom, and it doesnt serve anything.
Others are tough enough, the creator upholds them, not me.
I am not responsible for protecting others from the TRUTH – that the world has both light and dark forces, and creation and destruction forces.
Such a protection harms them rather than help them.
They are going to live in dependence and fear anyway.
My responsibility is to affix myself with my own oxygen mask first.
This will allow me to overflow with power.
Then I can stand as an example as to how to be stand on your own feet, with vitality, with your own strength and knowledge, having conquered all your parasites/shadows/destructive, impairing, disabling, fears, and forces.
My service is my living example and exposition to others.
My being and commitment to abide with god/truth is my service.

Now there are some philosophical questions here.
Is the predator bad? —————- Is the exterminator bad?
Is the virus bad? ——————- Is the anti-virus bad?
Is action bad? ———————- Is re-action bad?
Is attack bad? ———————- Is defense bad?
This is like the chicken and egg problem.
It is cyclic.
What comes first?
Because the issue is that -> If I take the position of the “predator/virus/action/attack” -> It sees the opposite force “exterminator/anti-virus/re-action/defense” as the enemy.
If I take the position of the self-sufficient one -> then the enemy is these parasites who live dependent lives by hunting/attacking others.
So it is war of forces of desire/force.
Light desires/forces ———– Dark desires/forces
The linearity is only in the mind’s conception, in reality it all happens now instantaneously.
We have to take a position that transcends morality.
Because in the duality there are both:
life enhancing forces/intrinsic power ——— life diminishing forces/parasitic power
First I have to realize my own polarization.
I definitely identify and feel intrinsic life enhancement as the core in me.
All actions that I do, serve this.
So my task is to simply be more of my own true desire and let all my actions reflect who I am.
In other words, I “BE” THE CHARACTER I am meant to be and play the “God’s will role” fully.

Every fear is a call to toughen up/see/understand/conquer/master.
Develop and nurture your force until it rises above everything.
The enneagrams, myers briggs type, archetype identification, numerology, astrology – star signs etc. all serve in finding your source/power in the field.
These maps may initially serve as a guide to orient and triangulate your true position.
One has to FEEL one’s way through resonance.
RESONANCE is the compass.
It is all in FEELING your way through.
Each person’s “source/home position” is different, and that source position is their source of spirit.
When operating from there you are operating from what the creator intended you to be vs. this strange disconnected ego pov we find ourselves as which feeds from the source from afar, like faint moonlight.
Move towards your source, and journey into the dark night until you find it.
Find the “infinite power point” within yourself and then live from there as an example to show ‘WHAT POSSIBILITY EXISTS for each person”.

I want to be in alignment with the highest truth/highest will/highest vision/highest context – call it truth/love/god etc. that is secondary to me.
I want to dissolve all creation and BE the unmanifest/the highest solvent and live from there in absolute freedom.
Find the sun within you, and live from there.

Chronic anger develops from Chronic violation

emergence

Say you are a child.
And your parents were over-controlling, over-protective, over-bearing, over-intrusive, dominating, smothering, suffocating, over-powering, and infringed on you in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.
Say they imposed tyranny on you, threatened you in all sorts of ways (psychological, mental, physical), played all sorts of emotionally debilitating games, and constantly used guilting and shaming to get you to comply.
Let’s say, whenever you raised resistance they decried it, minimized it, laughed at it, brushed it away, denied it, gas-lighted it (mind-gaming, perception-blaming), performed circular arguments, somehow twisted the blame back to you, guilted you for even raising resistance, mind-gamed you into thinking it was unreasonable and actually your fault, and so on.
Imagine, this was taken a level even further and you were physically beaten into submission as brutally as possible, until you were filled with nothing but fear and terror.
Supposing they opposed your every attempt to individuate yourself or separate yourself from them, and thwarted every such effort on your part.
Say, they always wanted you to be their slave(but they would never admit this), and fit their image, and be exactly the way they want you to be (a clone of them or living up to their ideal/role/expectation), and always be under their control.
Now, let’s add to the suffering. Supposing you had a sibling whose only mission in life was to compete with you and actively and violently suppress all of your expression and minimize everything that you can possibly do.
Would this not be an EXTRAORDINARY hostile environment for you to grow up in?
Would not your life purpose become just about emerging from all these hostile forces and gain the most basic of freedom and liberty?

When a child is faced with this sort of debilitating, imprisoning, torturous, blind, abusive, crippling, stifling, controlling, maddening, and disabling environment, he shrinks in terror and seals oneself off from relationship (killing off the possibility of love).
In this heart of darkness (like a dark prison cell with a window), the child looks out at the world from the grilled window.
This dark cell the child creates is the protective cover of the heart against this level of assault and it permanently seals off many many possibilities of relationship with the world.
The dark cell always serves as a reminder and houses all the traumatic memory in its very walls.
Every time these situations were faced, tremendous rage and anger was aroused, as a protective system against the assault, but no amount of rage could do anything to stop it.
The child is absolutely powerless and helpless no matter HOW HARD he tries.
This sends him into a deep despair.
Should he fight to live? OR should he dissociate and just let himself die?
If the former option is chosen:
A super high degree of rage becomes the default mode of being because there is always a background of infinite threat against which one has to defend and fight.
An “extreme fear and defense/attack” disposition becomes the default against an infinitely threatening environment and others.
Life itself is then perceived as an ‘extremely hostile other’ that is out to destroy the child against which the child is woefully under-powered to fight.
This takes on archetypal/mythical levels of reality penetration, and thereafter the child will live his whole life in background FEAR AND TERROR – and live in a state of being ever-ready to violently fight at the most primitive levels.
The default mode of perception is of SUPERLATIVE THREAT and SUPERLATIVE DEFENSE.
The ATTACK is nothing but Pre-emptive defense.
Defense is the first goal and attack is from the hope of destroying the threat so that one can do away with the NEED AND PREOCCUPATION AND FEAR about defending.
This leads to compulsive power seeking which can take on multifarious forms such as – physical domination, emotional domination, intellectual domination, social power and status seeking, and so on.
If the latter option of death is chosen:
It could also take on the reverse side of seeking to submit/surrender/give up/self-abnegate/die because that also ends the conflict.
Both the choices of:
Extreme fight ——————- Extreme surrender
They both look like opposites, but the unity in them is that, both endeavor to END conflict, and “suffering” is always from conflict.
The child may alternate too between the 2 options:
Rage at one time —————– Feel depressed and empty at another
Ultimately, the more the child deeply sees and looks into the matter, a lot of dross falls away, and it leads to singular truth seeking.
What is the truth of existence? Why is it so hostile to me? Am I guilty of something? How am I to ever emerge from this hellish circumstance? How can I heal this? Should I fight to live or just resign and die?
This kind of metaphysical preoccupation plagues the child’s mind.
He can never invest in anything like ordinary people do, because his heart carries all the frightening memories of evil that keep voiding all investments apart from temporary reprieves.
This may also take on a morbid obsession and a PTSD like repeating of the torturous memory like a constant repeating playback in the mind, in an attempt to somehow assimilate the experience memories.
Or the child when grown up may keep having a tendency to gravitate towards those very same super hostile circumstances, in an attempt to go beyond them.
He may obsessively seek self-improvement, self-empowering, or self-transcendence.

In this situation, I see no way out apart from taking apart that dark prison cell of the heart brick by brick, and developing more and more courage to see/accept/transcend what’s behind each brick.
That is the singular life purpose for such a child.

Can you imagine the power of god?

power-of-god

Fear exists.
Fear is a protective system.
Protection from what?
Protection from destruction of what I believe is ‘me’.
And what is this ‘me’ that needs protection?
And Protection from what? Life itself?
So life itself looks like an enemy because it threatens ‘me’.
That means the very existence of me itself is anti-life energy to a great extent.

This ‘me’ is the limiter of life energy itself -> and I am afraid life will go beyond these limits -> which would then not serve the preservation or expansion of me.
So then I am terrified of an infinite unlimited power.
Let’s call that god.
Because what would prevent it from breaking my structure?
The energy of life being finer than us fears nothing we know, it is no-thing, and extremely finely structured.

Like quarks are not afraid of an atom bomb.
Because the atom bomb can do nothing to the structure of the quark.
But every other gross structure is terrified of the power of the atom bomb.
Isn’t the fear of god exactly that?
I stand as a mortal structure with the knowledge that I am going to die and I don’t know when and how, and I do not even know what lies beyond?
Would that not put me in the PERMANENT state of anxiety and fear?
How can I know what lies ahead?
Is there any way of knowing apart from BEING THAT?

Imagine you met a trans-dimensional alien, who could materialize in a physical form or de-materialize and occupy a frequency spectrum subtler and beyond our perception. How would you react to this?
How long would it take for the alien to decimate your entire structure, or how long would it take for the alien to exalt you into perfect health?
OR Lets imagine a bunch of nano-bots.
Imagine if these were not bots, but some kind of extraterrestrial nano being forms.
Well the range of actions they could perform on you could be anything from:
Atomic bomb like decimation of you [Destruction] ———OR——— They could make you into the finest imaginable sculpture of a structure [Exaltation]
All these analogies are to point at the power of god.
Could you think of more such possibilities?

What relationship would “I” have to the infinitely subtle power?
Well that depends on how life has treated me so far, right?
What if I’ve had assault after assault of diseases after diseases with no cure and I am suffering in isolation and despair, desperately trying to just live the barest life possible, how would I then feel about the power of god?
Compare this to another person, who has lived the usual formula, some good times, few bad times, well settled and integrated into society and its games. What would be his conception and position towards the power of god?
Would it not be much more favorable than what I might assume god is?
Is god merciful? Is god wrathful? Why should it be one or the other?
Can our minds conceive of a god who is all the worst qualities and all the best qualities at the same time?
Isn’t that a brain fry?
An impossible contradiction to hold in the linear one-at-a-time instrument the mind is?

God’s actions in time can evoke:
Negative anticipation (dread/despair/terror/fear) —————————— Positive anticipation (what is usually celebrated as faith/devotion/love)
There is a profound unknowing here.
How can we ever know the infinite?
Only the finite can be known, isn’t it?

We assume we somewhat know, judging by our past memories and life experience, but could it not be that life has just been too easy on us?
The giant is playing gentle?
But what would prevent the giant from getting explosively violent and tearing us apart?
Doesn’t that duality exist in the potentials of the giant?
And why should we assume the creator loves us and wants to keep us in the utmost possible condition of well-being?
Maybe it wants to make us suffer like dogs?
OR conversely, why does the creator not completely exalt us?
Why are we kept in this ‘weird’, ‘odd’, ‘absurd’, and ‘confusing’ condition?
To assume it is one or the other(love or destruction) is to limit the creator’s power isn’t it?
I mean it could hate us as much as it loves us right?
Could it be both simultaneously? The creator hates us and loves us, and somewhere inbetween if the love is greater than hate our life moves forward?
Because to assume only love, is to deny the entirety of the dark side.
If it is all love then what is the dark side then? NOT GOD? SOMETHING ELSE?
How can that be?
Most people I see are believing their ‘concept of god’ as god, a limited conception which looks like ‘infinite denial’ to me.
What is INFINITE potential? (contemplation)
It could be ANYTHING from: Abject terror ——to——– Greatest love?
The most horrific devil imaginable ——-to——— The most loving angelic being?
Both ARE god?
So god could take any potential among infinite ones or be all of it simultaneously?

The world is deterministic, with all its physical laws etc, like a fixed structure that looks promising like it can be mastered.
But I feel that is because the god giant is 95% asleep.
Imagine if god wakes up to its infinite power, would it not end this world as instantly as how your dream abruptly ends when you are jolted awake in the morning?
The god giant appears to take this puny form of a deterministic world filled with laws/structures etc.
But seriously can we get truly one up on this?
Aren’t we still under god’s mercy, who has taken this puny strange limited absurd form in the form of this world and its creatures?
Do we know the power of god?

And in all my statements above, there was an inherent duality implied of me/we being separate from god.
Let me open up a prospect even more terrifying.
What if you are god?
And what if you are pretending to be THIS?
Would you let go into your infinite power?
How much will you let go?
Can you imagine the price of this disillusionment?
Can you imagine the obliteration of every single knowledge/idea/limitation you hold on to right now?
Would you stay in this body/world contraption even for an instant if you realize your infinite power?

If I am god and if I am everything then:
I am terrified of my own power.
I am terrified of my true potential.
I am terrified of my own wrathfulness.
I am terrified of my own madness.
I am terrified of my destructiveness.
I am terrified of the intensity of my love too.
I am terrified of my extreme pleasure potentials too.
It is so much easier being this poor little me afraid of god/others, than to face my true power.
I see the way to higher consciousness as facing and walking through the ‘terror of unknowing’.

Each chakra activity is a contraction

c = chakra
When I say contraction, I mean contraction of energy.
Each lower chakra contraction veils the higher chakra.

Fear is contraction(1c)
Sexual feeling is contraction (2c)
Thinking is contraction (3c)
Interest is contraction (4c)
Expression is contraction (5c)
Vision/Perception is contraction (6c)
Consciousness is contraction (7c)

On Fear, Contraction, Abuse, and Sociopaths

When there is a threat perceived by the senses (sensory input) we are jolted back into the body.
Have you ever noticed a toddler, how they startle easily?
My hypothesis is that, that is because they are only loosely in their body.
So any loud noise tends to startle them, which is something that jolts them back into the body (contraction impulse).
Abstractly put, the spectrum is:
Fear = Contraction(increased density) ————– Bliss = Expansion (decreased density)
And fear is a response to threat.
Bliss is a response to safety.

Continuous abuse tends to result in habitual contraction which is a result of constantly bracing for the fight or impact.
Mental abuse causes mental contraction.
Physical abuse causes physical contraction.
The labels of mental and physical are cursory, as compared to the base phenomenon happening which is similar – ‘contraction of energy’ or an increasing of ‘density’.
To understand this let’s consider another spectrum:
Finite(infinite density)(1)—————— Infinite(lowest density)(∞)
The greatest fear would be the greatest density/infinite density/singularity/black hole (the left of the spectrum).
The greatest bliss would be infinitely low density that permeates all of existence (the right of the spectrum).

Now, generally sociopaths are created in certain early childhood environments where there is a lot of abuse.
What is normal for a sociopath is abusive to others. It is relative.
So what I mean by abuse here is an exposure to a kind of rough, blunt, high density, and hard interaction.
So the child develops in accordance to this environment and quality of interaction sensitivity etc.
When this child meets other kids brought up in much softer and more sensitive environments he finds they are hurt by his ways of interaction, feeling all his interaction as abusive, and avoid him.

Another important thing to consider is, higher density naturally implies selfishness and lower density naturally implies empathy.
Because empathy is sensitivity.
The same energy thins out and spreads over to consider the other, expanding the circle of concern.
Whereas in high contraction, there is inherently a non-consideration of the other.
Look at the way people act under extreme fear or anger.
Does the person in front of them even matter when such a strong projection is put forth?
So take it far enough along the left in the spectrum towards fear or energy contraction and you have a sociopath.
The opposite of this would be a saint, whose energy is subtle, highly sensitive and shows very high sensitivity and empathy to all beings.

For a saintly person, do you want to know how a sociopath feels?
Just watch a horror film, that feeling of being wired and in the edge of your seat, is a CONTRACTION of your default state of energy, and that might be the default operating mode for a sociopath.
For a sociopath, do you want to know how a saint feels?
Just take a lot of ‘mdma’, you will experience a higher degree of the world of sensitivity and empathy.

The relationship between fear and desire

Fear is a relationship between “Your desire” and the “World’s condition”.
Even your definition of ‘What is a fear/threat’ is relative to ‘Your desire’.
Right now, if your knowledge (whatever you have) gives you enough freedom to pursue your desire, you will have well-being.
Once your desire grows far beyond this world, you will want to transcend (maybe now or later this life or after 100s of lives).
To give an example, say a bird sitting at your window threatens to leave you.
It is not a threat at all, if the bird is not your desire at all.
Only things that are your desire can be threatened.
If you have insulated yourself from all threats and ensured your desires stay confined to only where you have 100% control, then you will have 0 fear.
There is no fear for LOSING something you never desired.
Fear comes only when we desire something that is out of our control.
For instance, desire of human relationships is much more precarious that desire of material objects, because they are not as controllable as the material counterpart. One then is more vulnerable to both fear, and the pain of loss which is the eventuality that the fear guards against.
All fear is a defense from loss.

There are infinite awakenings

While taking a walk in the street, I felt a lot of fear.
I felt like this fear energy was obscuring/constricting/clumping my awareness greatly.
I felt like I was looking at reality through the dream of my fear.
Like if I could somehow take off the goggles of fear from my eyes, I would see reality as it really is.
This is spoken about a lot in the enlightenment circles, that you would see reality AS IT IS once the dream of the personal-self/ego disappears.

However I thought more deeply on this, and this did not seem to jibe with my experience.
A dream is real while it lasts, and it is the only reality until it lasts.
So what I was doing, was creating an abstract imagination of what ACTUAL REALITY would be like behind my dream structure of fear.
This was a mental object in my awareness – let’s call it [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>]
Then there was the [Sensory fear reality] object in my awareness, which included all the sights, sounds, and sensations of fear.
I called the [Sensory fear reality] object = Dream
And I called the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] object = Awakened reality (which is not an defined object, but more like a DIRECTION object]

[Direction Object = It is a term coined by me.
It is the extrapolation of a quality, it does not have an end, it is similar to a direction vector with arrows. For instance, I ask you to imagine an object infinitely far away from you. How would you imagine it? Think of some distance and keep stretching it out till you can hold it in your mind? That would be a direction object of imagination.
Compared to ordinary objects like body sensations etc.(vipassana parlance), direction objects are higher dimensional objects because they involve applying a transformation on a certain quality indefinitely and holding that in your mind space as a higher-object.]


So in the ONE awareness, I created 2 objects, and the practice I was doing was applying the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] direction-object/transformer-object on my [sensory fear reality] object as a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.
So in a much larger perspective, I DREAMED(notice the caps) up 2 objects ‘dream and actual reality’ and the ‘effort of moving towards the actual reality from my dream position’.
Now again, if I sum up all this activity into a DREAM(caps), then again I am implying there is a reality beyond this DREAM(caps).
Then again there will be one more abstract imagination object created which would POINT TO a reality even beyond this DREAM.

This is a sort of recursive infinite loop.
It could be represented like this:
…dream5[awakenedReality4[dream3[awakenedReality2[dream1…]…]…]…]…

So there are infinite awakenings is what I am coming at.
It is not that you transcend your egoic dream and then awaken into nirvana and its OVER forever.
That is just one context.
Again there is the same recursion of contexts:
…context3[context2[context1…]…]…]…

Life and Death, Desire and Fear

Fear = To catch-up/make up the deficit = making up for loss
Desire = expansion = gain

desirefear

Reminds me of the concept in Kabbalah of emptying your kli/vessel.
The emptying process is death -> emptying, passing -> descending
The filling process is life -> filling, arising -> ascending
When identity is a ‘partial filling’ (a something) -> then the extent of that something will determine how much there is to die.
[Fear] and [Positive Anticipation] are both moods – Fear is the mood of death, positive anticipation is the mood of life.
Now the important part here is that, gain and loss are simultaneous forces.
So these moods coexist, and oscillate between each other.
Life is when gain is greater than loss – creating the predominant mood of positive anticipation
Death is when loss is greater than gain – creating the predominant mood of fear
Life and death are both simultaneous forces.
They simply play with each other like day and night.
Darkness hides behind the light, and light hides behind the darkness.
Life and death are not linear processes that follow one after the other, like a sine wave.
They are more like this:

lifedeath

The central column which is formless non-dual, breathes in and out a dream of duality into existence.
And to the extent there is life there is also the fear of death.
They are inseparable opposites.
In a sense life and death are not 2 different things, they are one and the same thing like the poles of the same ‘magnet’.
What can we call this magnet that encompasses both life and death? – dharma/reality maybe?

In order to see daylight, you need to hold the implicit night in your perception.
And in order to see the dark, you need to hold the implicit daylight in your perception.
Similarly, one knows what life is only because there is death.
And one knows what death is only because there is life.

Love and Fear are self-fulfilling prophecies

To fear is to expect [attack/destructive forces].
And to expect/anticipate attack is to attract attack.
One behaves like one is already guilty, and deserves punishment.
This frequency is picked up and attracts beings who punish/attack.
It is a recursively reinforcing circle/a loop/a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To love is to expect [nurture/enriching forces]
And to expect/anticipate nurture is to attract nurture.
One behaves like one is already blessed, and deserves nurture.
This frequency is picked and attracts beings who nurture/enrich.
It is a recursively reinforcing circle/a loop/a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Parents are the life enabler for the child

Parents are the life enabler and mentors for the child – they have lived here longer, and introduce the child to society and nurture the child’s INHERENT potentials.
Parents who are blind to their children’s potentials, not only thwart the child’s deeper inherent flows, they also impose a DEAD operating system (dead in the sense, not based on the reality of the child, which they are blind to).
This dead operating system might mainly serve the parents and the factions of society the parents are connected to.
Parents impose these “dead/hard and fast/rigid/militaristic/inflexible” systems by using GUILT AND FEAR because OBVIOUSLY the child’s natural inherent potentials would abhor and resist such a system being imposed.
Imposing such a dead operating system is a good way to guarantee depression for the child who has to not only GET RID of this toxic system (filled with guilt and fear) but also rebuild a system that supports his inherent potentials.

Parents usually do this, because they themselves are disconnected from themselves and are simply perpetuating a dead failing system providing by their parents onto them. A chain of “dysfunction/abuse/neglect/misdirection of energy/faulty beliefs” simply passes on and on, until someone has the intelligence to LOOK AT IT SQUARE and remove this toxic programming.
Until one’s cures one’s own dysfunction, it will simply PERPETUATE.
Unhappy parents, will most like impose their unhappy algorithms on their children too.
Not only that, needy unhappy parents are even worse, because they isolate and trap the child into serving them.
There is no limit as to how bad this can get, and therefore, it is never too late to take responsibility.