More about me

I’m like an RPG character with very low health
So I keep dying zillions of times
But my superpower is infinite regeneration
I can keep coming back again and again

Sometimes I wonder, if all this is really real?
Or are all my experiences part of some dream in the afterlife, and if I am already dead?

People have ‘meaning crisis’ at rare times and it quickly passes away too.
For me it is the other way.
I always live in a perpetual meaning crisis.
For short bursts I have meaning.
In those times, I get ordered and happily pursue the goals that appear.
Then I fall back into nothing, and another spawn happens later.

That is where my endless creativity comes from,
From dying over and over again.
It is like living 1000’s of lives and characters rolled into a single one.
Living in a constant mystery day to day,
Like an endless fountain rising and falling.

Clarity and Complexity

I had a dream in the afternoon where I just felt so sure/assured/totally confident about one small thing.
And this kept on playing again and again in my mind like a loop, and then I woke up.
So this sent me back to the drawing board to contemplate on the nature of life/reality/god/self.

I wanted to structure what happened to me in a larger context/perspective.
I do this all the time, start from scratch and create a new fabric of meaning.
It is a kind of primordial creativity, that I really enjoy giving expression.
So here is my articulation of my thought process.

In the dream there was an immense feeling of certainty for an extremely narrow idea, and it kept on repeating until I woke up.
I think, this is a case of: “clarity + simplicity”
Whereas, for phenomena like mystical experiences of profound certitude, it would be a case of: “clarity + complexity”
Both of the above can also be seen as:
Simple order/harmony/integration —–vs—- Complex order/harmony/integration
An old Nokia 3100 phone (from the early 2000s) —-vs—- An IPhone XS today
Both the devices can work great, be fully functional, and integrated in their design. But what a difference there is, in their complexity!
So this would be a good analogy for: my looping simplistic certitude dream vs. a revelation of profound implications felt in the waking state.

My experience of reality nowadays

I experience reality nowadays as a “changing/shifting ocean of sensation”.
In this ocean, various waves arise, from various apparent centers of consciousness that get formed, and various potentials are then available for various thoughts/feelings/emotions from these centers.
Another way to put it would be, my experience is like the movie “waking life”, i.e. like an endless moving lucid dream.
Another analogy would be, my experience is like a movie that is playing all the time, and I alternately engage with it in various ways, and then disengage in various ways, to come back and engage with…and so on.
I do not have much enduring identity day to day.
And my sadhana/effort is to return whatever remnant identity is there to the ocean.
I feel like I am a witness, that witnesses the whole changing ocean of relationship, where an “apparent I” and an “apparent world” appears and keeps shifting.
It always feels real in the moment, just like a dream feels real, but I also know that everything can change from my own memory of that happening a zillion times.

My experience is like the mantra AUM along with the pause.
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of inspiration/energy.
Drawing the formless/unmanifest to form/manifest potential.
Outbreath:
Expression in form/manifest.
Aaaaaa = Waking
Uuuuuu = Dreaming
mmmmmm = Sleep
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of energy.
…and so on.

Parallels between life and dreams

I have had 1000s of lucid dreams in my life,
Some of my takeaways from these dream experiences are:
# If you control the dream strongly it will fade to black very soon.
Your lightest touch of will/intent/emotion will keep the dream running the longest.
# After it fades to black, you have to just relax into the darkness and stay still, and then after a while the next potential dream emerges out of it.
I have at max gone through 10+ dreams this way.
Where a dream happens – you control it gently – and then it fades to black – you then stay still in the blackness – and the next one emerges and once again you participate – and so on.
Maintaining the thread of awareness through a series of lucid dreams is a subtle art of delicate control that is so much in harmony, that it is almost like non-control.
Similarly it is also possible to lose yourself into a dream if you get too involved and thereby lose your lucidity and get absorbed into its themes, and this would end that series of lucid dreams.

I see many parallels between my waking life and my dream life.
In my everyday life, each time I get up, I am a new person, in a new context, in a new energy space, in a new frame of mind.
I feel pulls in various directions, either external or internal.
Then I respond to the pulls based on conditioning/habits/likes/intentions etc. and then as I give into one of them, I get engaged in various activities/research/exploration/learning/contemplations etc. and then the investment energy gently fades, and then I either subtly shift my theme of activity to another one OR I just go back into the space/womb/ocean of ‘superposition of possibilities/void/chaos of various pull and push pulsating forces(like the ocean water undulations)’.
Then some wind of inspiration EMERGES out of this ‘possibility chaos’ and then rises up like a wave and carries me in its perspective/vision/feelings/quests etc.
And once that wave completes, I once again return to the ‘oceanic chaos of possibilities’.
I feel this is so similar to my dream.
The fading to void is like returning to the “chaos of possibilities”.
And the emerging of the dream is like the waking interests arising in me that move me.

I experience boredom, as a resistance to that state of “primordial chaos of possibilities”.
It is the longing/attachment to inhabit the coherence of a wave moved by the whole ocean vs. just being in a state of aimless undulation moving back and forth in the same place.
This then led me into contemplating further.
What is death really? Is it not the fading of THIS dream?

The whole thing is fractal.
There are cycles within cycles within cycles, and so on.
There is an infinite nesting of contexts.
There are contexts inside contexts inside contexts, and so on.
There is a dream within a dream within a dream, and so on.
My early childhood life, school life, college life, work life etc. were like different dreams, within the larger dream of my identity dream (once I identified myself in the mirror and by name).
I could also divide it as: Childhood, Teenage years, Early adulthood, Middle adulthood etc.
And all of this is coming from my mind DREAMING all of this up RIGHT NOW.
This makes me wonder! What is this great dream we are in?
What am I outside of this dream of my identity?
Am I not the ocean itself? from where this dream of me arose?

Right now, I am riding this dream wave of writing this post.
At the end of this post, this wave would have gone back into the ocean.

Fractal soul visions

Linear time is within a certain frame of reference staying constant.
Beyond linear time is circular time.
And beyond circular time are eternal higher dimensional realities etc.
It gets more and more abstract.

Sometimes when our visions get abstract enough we can see abstract gestalts/patterns repeating again and again like time running through a mobius strip.

For me, the common themes I wrestle with are between:
– Being and Non-being
– Becoming and Unbecoming
– Ground and Groundlessness
– Knowing and Unknowing
– Striving and Surrender
– Linear time and Non-linear time
– Attainment and Non-attainment
– Order and Chaos
– Enlightenment and Non-enlightenment
– Home and travel
– Knowledge and Innocence
– Reality and Illusion

I can explain some of these things with poetic visions.
Here are some of them below:

Vision 1:

abyssedge

I have 2 choices, stay with what I know (what is in my hand) or the other choice is to jump into an unknown abyss.
I am detached from what I have and so at times I get the courage and jump into the abyss.
Now imagine you fall and fall through the unknown but there is no ground and you land up again at a similar place where you were standing before and again there is the same choice – stick to what is in hand(known) or just into the abyss(unknown).
Again this repeats, I work on letting go of the known in hand and get the courage and jump, and this repeats again and again.
This is the play between knowing and unknowing
It is the play between ground and groundlessness

Vision 2:

dream

Imagine you are in a dream and you are trying to wake up, but every time you think you have woken up you later realize you have still been dreaming. And so you try to wake up again, and once again think you have woken up, only to realize soon after that you are still dreaming and have to work again to wake up.
This is the play between reality and illusion

Vision 3:

sandsculpture

I build myself up like a sand structure from the chaos of possibility of the sand on the ground.
I feel I have attained knowledge and being, but soon it falls back to the ground.
Then again I get inspired, and I build another structure, work on it and reach a milestone, only for it to go back to the ground again.
This is like a looping struggle to BE something and not fall back to non-being.
This can be seen as the play of order vs. chaos.
This can also be seen as the play of attainment vs. non-attainment.
It is also the play between becoming and unbecoming.

Vision 4:

Home

Imagine whenever you settled in a place, buy some things, make yourself a home there and create security for yourself, you feel its time to move. You have to move and leave everything behind, go through the grief, and do a similar settlement in your next spot, only for you to again get the impulse to move and do it again.
This is the play between home and travel.

Vision 5:

watchingmovie

Imagine you are sitting in a theater seat and watching a movie, and you go through the story with the hero suffering gains and losses. Suddenly you feel it is getting too much and you want to snap out of it and you come back to your theater seat. You realize that you were always in that seat, nothing has really changed, and the whole movie was an illusion. But then shortly after coming back to the theater seat and disillusioning yourself, you see something else interesting in the screen that once again enchants you, and you start to gain knowledge from investment. And this happens again and again.
This is the play between alternating enlightenment and non-enlightenment
This is the play between alternating knowledge and innocence.

 

There are infinite awakenings

While taking a walk in the street, I felt a lot of fear.
I felt like this fear energy was obscuring/constricting/clumping my awareness greatly.
I felt like I was looking at reality through the dream of my fear.
Like if I could somehow take off the goggles of fear from my eyes, I would see reality as it really is.
This is spoken about a lot in the enlightenment circles, that you would see reality AS IT IS once the dream of the personal-self/ego disappears.

However I thought more deeply on this, and this did not seem to jibe with my experience.
A dream is real while it lasts, and it is the only reality until it lasts.
So what I was doing, was creating an abstract imagination of what ACTUAL REALITY would be like behind my dream structure of fear.
This was a mental object in my awareness – let’s call it [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>]
Then there was the [Sensory fear reality] object in my awareness, which included all the sights, sounds, and sensations of fear.
I called the [Sensory fear reality] object = Dream
And I called the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] object = Awakened reality (which is not an defined object, but more like a DIRECTION object]

[Direction Object = It is a term coined by me.
It is the extrapolation of a quality, it does not have an end, it is similar to a direction vector with arrows. For instance, I ask you to imagine an object infinitely far away from you. How would you imagine it? Think of some distance and keep stretching it out till you can hold it in your mind? That would be a direction object of imagination.
Compared to ordinary objects like body sensations etc.(vipassana parlance), direction objects are higher dimensional objects because they involve applying a transformation on a certain quality indefinitely and holding that in your mind space as a higher-object.]


So in the ONE awareness, I created 2 objects, and the practice I was doing was applying the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] direction-object/transformer-object on my [sensory fear reality] object as a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.
So in a much larger perspective, I DREAMED(notice the caps) up 2 objects ‘dream and actual reality’ and the ‘effort of moving towards the actual reality from my dream position’.
Now again, if I sum up all this activity into a DREAM(caps), then again I am implying there is a reality beyond this DREAM(caps).
Then again there will be one more abstract imagination object created which would POINT TO a reality even beyond this DREAM.

This is a sort of recursive infinite loop.
It could be represented like this:
…dream5[awakenedReality4[dream3[awakenedReality2[dream1…]…]…]…]…

So there are infinite awakenings is what I am coming at.
It is not that you transcend your egoic dream and then awaken into nirvana and its OVER forever.
That is just one context.
Again there is the same recursion of contexts:
…context3[context2[context1…]…]…]…

What is the right orientation?

What is this ‘world’, ‘human being’, ‘duty’, ‘responsibility’,… crap?
Why does the world need so much effort to run?
Doesn’t everything just happen by itself?
Even if we disappear, the world will continue as it is, wouldn’t it?
Why do we strongly believe we are ‘required’ or ‘needed’ in any way
Isn’t that just a burdensome responsibility we unnecessarily shoulder?
All responsibility seems largely imagined
If everything is happening by itself, then where is the responsibility?
The concept of responsibility comes because of the need we feel to make reality correspond to some kind of ‘image’
Our eyes are looking at everything through the context of a dead concept, a dead philosophy, a dead principle, or a dead ideology
And we orient ourselves with that which creates the dream of needing to change things to other than the way they are
And to the degree to which that dead xxxx orientation is not in line with actual life movement, to that degree we suffer
And life keeps on moving
It may totally align with our dead xxxx, in which case, we feel that is the truth and harden it up to stone
And then later, as inevitable as it is, life changes
Then this same dead xxx we oriented ourselves with starts torturing us.

What is the correct orientation to have?
The correct orientation is DIRECT SENSING/EXPERIENCE (pointer)
Any holding on is inevitably going to cause pain
Because ALL IS CHANGING, ALL IS MOVING, ALL IS A DREAM.