A short description of my experience

I experience life itself like a dream.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.

Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?

The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.

I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.

My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.

Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.

The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.

Ajna Vision: There is only light and darkness

Life = Agni(Fire) = Spirit = Consciousness.
This is the only treasure, the first and the last, the one and only, the ultimate gift.

The world is infinite,
There are infinite worlds,
Infinite other beings/people/animals/life forms,
Infinite planes with infinite activities,
Infinite content springing forth all the time.
But only what you perceive is your experience,
And what you perceive is from your Agni/Life/Spirit.

It feels like so much complexity is happening,
But when I really see the essence piercingly,
I see that really it is only my dream,
That “appears and vanishes”,
Depending on the “infux and deflux” of life/spirit/agni into me,
Happening everyday in me taking the appearance of wake and sleep.

There is just an alternation of light and darkness, nothing else.
The complexities of each day are a play of the projector-light like a movie.
Either the projector is on or off, creating light and darkness,
That’s all I see from this depth.

A fantasy of sex and union

Why can’t all women fully surrender,
And receive sex from all men unconditionally? freely?
Why can’t all men fully surrender,
And give sex to all women unconditionally? freely?
With no judgments, rules, restrictions, laws, and boundaries?
Why can’t we just live in an “endless orgy” until we leave this plane?
Why can’t everything just have sex with everything else all the time?
Why can’t there be limitless pleasure of libido?
Instead of it happening just for seconds at a time as the orgasm?
Why can’t everyone just be in an eternal orgasm?
Why can’t all control just end?
Why can’t everything just merge and flow as one?
With no concept of possession?
Where all “desire” is instantly received everywhere and instantly gratified?
Why can’t there be free-love everywhere?
Why can’t there be no disease, suffering, pain, resistance etc.?
Wish there was no such thing as self-preservation,
And its consequent emotions of disgust/fear/threat.
Wish everything just mingled into one flow/dance.
With the cohesion of water, and like a single emerging grand tapestry.
Where “everyone and everything” transforms “everyone and everything”.
And where everyone is part of the hologram, but identified with the whole hologram and its total play.

More about me

I’m like an RPG character with very low health
So I keep dying zillions of times
But my superpower is infinite regeneration
I can keep coming back again and again

Sometimes I wonder, if all this is really real?
Or are all my experiences part of some dream in the afterlife, and if I am already dead?

People have ‘meaning crisis’ at rare times and it quickly passes away too.
For me it is the other way.
I always live in a perpetual meaning crisis.
For short bursts I have meaning.
In those times, I get ordered and happily pursue the goals that appear.
Then I fall back into nothing, and another spawn happens later.

That is where my endless creativity comes from,
From dying over and over again.
It is like living 1000’s of lives and characters rolled into a single one.
Living in a constant mystery day to day,
Like an endless fountain rising and falling.

Clarity and Complexity

I had a dream in the afternoon where I just felt so sure/assured/totally confident about one small thing.
And this kept on playing again and again in my mind like a loop, and then I woke up.
So this sent me back to the drawing board to contemplate on the nature of life/reality/god/self.

I wanted to structure what happened to me in a larger context/perspective.
I do this all the time, start from scratch and create a new fabric of meaning.
It is a kind of primordial creativity, that I really enjoy giving expression.
So here is my articulation of my thought process.

In the dream there was an immense feeling of certainty for an extremely narrow idea, and it kept on repeating until I woke up.
I think, this is a case of: “clarity + simplicity”
Whereas, for phenomena like mystical experiences of profound certitude, it would be a case of: “clarity + complexity”
Both of the above can also be seen as:
Simple order/harmony/integration —–vs—- Complex order/harmony/integration
An old Nokia 3100 phone (from the early 2000s) —-vs—- An IPhone XS today
Both the devices can work great, be fully functional, and integrated in their design. But what a difference there is, in their complexity!
So this would be a good analogy for: my looping simplistic certitude dream vs. a revelation of profound implications felt in the waking state.

My experience of reality nowadays

I experience reality nowadays as a “changing/shifting ocean of sensation”.
In this ocean, various waves arise, from various apparent centers of consciousness that get formed, and various potentials are then available for various thoughts/feelings/emotions from these centers.
Another way to put it would be, my experience is like the movie “waking life”, i.e. like an endless moving lucid dream.
Another analogy would be, my experience is like a movie that is playing all the time, and I alternately engage with it in various ways, and then disengage in various ways, to come back and engage with…and so on.
I do not have much enduring identity day to day.
And my sadhana/effort is to return whatever remnant identity is there to the ocean.
I feel like I am a witness, that witnesses the whole changing ocean of relationship, where an “apparent I” and an “apparent world” appears and keeps shifting.
It always feels real in the moment, just like a dream feels real, but I also know that everything can change from my own memory of that happening a zillion times.

My experience is like the mantra AUM along with the pause.
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of inspiration/energy.
Drawing the formless/unmanifest to form/manifest potential.
Outbreath:
Expression in form/manifest.
Aaaaaa = Waking
Uuuuuu = Dreaming
mmmmmm = Sleep
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of energy.
…and so on.

Parallels between life and dreams

I have had 1000s of lucid dreams in my life,
Some of my takeaways from these dream experiences are:
# If you control the dream strongly it will fade to black very soon.
Your lightest touch of will/intent/emotion will keep the dream running the longest.
# After it fades to black, you have to just relax into the darkness and stay still, and then after a while the next potential dream emerges out of it.
I have at max gone through 10+ dreams this way.
Where a dream happens – you control it gently – and then it fades to black – you then stay still in the blackness – and the next one emerges and once again you participate – and so on.
Maintaining the thread of awareness through a series of lucid dreams is a subtle art of delicate control that is so much in harmony, that it is almost like non-control.
Similarly it is also possible to lose yourself into a dream if you get too involved and thereby lose your lucidity and get absorbed into its themes, and this would end that series of lucid dreams.

I see many parallels between my waking life and my dream life.
In my everyday life, each time I get up, I am a new person, in a new context, in a new energy space, in a new frame of mind.
I feel pulls in various directions, either external or internal.
Then I respond to the pulls based on conditioning/habits/likes/intentions etc. and then as I give into one of them, I get engaged in various activities/research/exploration/learning/contemplations etc. and then the investment energy gently fades, and then I either subtly shift my theme of activity to another one OR I just go back into the space/womb/ocean of ‘superposition of possibilities/void/chaos of various pull and push pulsating forces(like the ocean water undulations)’.
Then some wind of inspiration EMERGES out of this ‘possibility chaos’ and then rises up like a wave and carries me in its perspective/vision/feelings/quests etc.
And once that wave completes, I once again return to the ‘oceanic chaos of possibilities’.
I feel this is so similar to my dream.
The fading to void is like returning to the “chaos of possibilities”.
And the emerging of the dream is like the waking interests arising in me that move me.

I experience boredom, as a resistance to that state of “primordial chaos of possibilities”.
It is the longing/attachment to inhabit the coherence of a wave moved by the whole ocean vs. just being in a state of aimless undulation moving back and forth in the same place.
This then led me into contemplating further.
What is death really? Is it not the fading of THIS dream?

The whole thing is fractal.
There are cycles within cycles within cycles, and so on.
There is an infinite nesting of contexts.
There are contexts inside contexts inside contexts, and so on.
There is a dream within a dream within a dream, and so on.
My early childhood life, school life, college life, work life etc. were like different dreams, within the larger dream of my identity dream (once I identified myself in the mirror and by name).
I could also divide it as: Childhood, Teenage years, Early adulthood, Middle adulthood etc.
And all of this is coming from my mind DREAMING all of this up RIGHT NOW.
This makes me wonder! What is this great dream we are in?
What am I outside of this dream of my identity?
Am I not the ocean itself? from where this dream of me arose?

Right now, I am riding this dream wave of writing this post.
At the end of this post, this wave would have gone back into the ocean.