Every aspect of existence that we see outside,
Has a corresponding component of that within ourselves too.
Perception is from resonance/recognition/alignment.
That is why it is said “You only experience the self, not the world”,
OR “You experience the world only as reflected in your self”.
All perception is a kind of resonance between the outer and the inner.
It is not that the outer and inner are separated in time by a linear process.
They simultaneous spawn,
Like how the dreamer character and the dream environment spawn together simultaneously.
Like for example, if you start to hate some aspect of yourself,
At that very instant, you also simultaneously prime yourself into hating all other potential reminders/representations/symbols/patterns of that aspect from the outside.
This is because, reality is ‘experience’,
And experience is fractal in nature.
What you hold in mind, you see outside.
And what you see outside, you hold in mind.
You see similar motifs/patterns/symbols/representations,
i.e. all that reflect the idea that you are holding.
The outer-inner appear to be in a constant state of transaction.
Sometimes an inner change alters the outer perception.
Sometimes an outer change alters the perception of the inner.
So from this level of perspective,
There is not even a you vs an other or inner vs outer.
It is a single swath that instantly manifests together.
The attitudes I hold towards every aspect of existence,
Multiply themselves infinitely and instantly throughout the entire scape of existence.
When saying ‘The attitudes I hold…’, I was implying that I am the determiner.
But actually, when delving deeper, I see that even these attitudes,
Also seem to be ‘appearances’.
Rather then being something I determine,
They seem to be flowing through and expressing through me.
My ability to alter them or control them,
Seems to be determined by how much energy/power I have,
And my level of perception and dis-identification i.e. whether I can even perceive those attitudes as objects in my awareness.
This energy level is again conditional of sort, again the effect of many other cyclic processes.
To dis-identify from anything, you must first have the power/energy to separate yourself from it and see it as an object.
When enmeshed and identified into something,
Even if you can see this enmeshment,
You need enough power/freq/energy to extricate yourself out of that.
It is similar to how we need enough external force to overcome newton’s first law of inertia.
Generally, you function from a certain station of freq,
While accessing all kinds of states from there.
This I call the LOC (level of consciousness) of the subtle body.
I could say, ‘What you are is where you are seeing from’.
What you do not see, will be something you are subject to, and it will rule you from within.
What you do see, is something subject to you, and can be ruled.
For many people, what I see is that, their life-fires/soul are enmeshed and identified with their genetics (to varying degrees/levels).
It is like they are embedded inside those grids, and therefore all of their life fires only serve the demands of those structures.
They are completely unaware of this, because they identify totally with the feelings/perceptions arising from these grids.
It reminds me of animals, how they function only within 2 lines, only within a certain set pattern.
For human beings, it seems,
The bottom line is similar to reptiles/mammals,
But the top line is super high.
The spectrum is vast and there is enormous potential to rise up in awareness.
Experience Waterfall
Experience Waterfall:
…Infinite/Nothing —>— Finite/Something —>— Infinite/Nothing…
…Infinite filling in —>— Infinite emptying out…
There is only the endless flow/fall/stream,
Creating the dream experience as it moves through.
Infinity is not a quantity but a quality
There is a dimensional gap between quantity and quality.
Because quality is immeasurable, analog, and infinite.
Any amount of quantity will still be “infinitely less” than infinity.
Experience by nature is qualitative.
Like consider a dream.
What is the nature of it? Is is measurable in any sense in space or time?
How large was it? How much time did it contain?
Even now, every scene you see is infinite,
But you can snap a 12MP digital photo of that using your camera.
The sound that you hear from your guitar is infinite,
But you can record a 128kbps Mp3 using a sound recorder.
The digitization process converts the pure infinite analog into bits to approximate the quality of it.
But the resolution of this captured information can never equal the infinite resolution/information present in the actual reality of creation.
Similarly our minds are like the digitized versions of what reality actually is.
The real “terrain” though is infinite.
Our minds are like captured maps from this terrain,
Like a combination of photos and illustrations.
The real nature of existence is unfathomable and beyond all logic.
The negative, balanced, and positive
Negative |||||| (fighting to survive) |||||| –Balanced/0– |||||| (enhancing self) |||||| Positive.
The self is a structure.
The world is a structure.
The [changing structure of the self] is in a [changing relationship] with the [changing structure of the world].
The 3 happen together and play out as a singular dream of experience.
It is not that any of them is causing the other to happen, though it may appear to be.
# When the world appears to not only maintain the self but also enhance it, there is the experience of nurture, pleasure, and the positive.
# When the world appears to not only not enhance, but also actively violate and attack the self structure, there is the experience of fighting/adapting/resisting to survive, felt as war, pain, and the negative.
# When the world appears to simply maintain you in a kind of zero gain arrangement, it is felt as balance, where there is neither enhancement nor depreciation and things just go on cyclically with no net change.
There is only the field
There is only the dream.
There is only the field.
Whatever suffering comes to you is only an appearance of/in the dream field.
The suffering does not come from any particular person, situation, or any thing/event or condition,
They are all only appearance and props of the will of the field itself.
The whole moves the whole, no part moves the whole.
One of the best analogies for this is the movie screen.
The whole movie is playing out in the screen,
And the pixels making the characters in the screen do not have any causal relationship with any of the other pixels, though they might appear to have it in a specific movie.
The whole movie is already there in the film roll,
And the pixels on the screen are not causing each other in any way.
They are all independently responding all at once.
However in our minds when we create meaning, we try to look for causal relations.
Even if causal relations appear to exist they are still only a persistent illusion.
For instance, say you are watching the movie ‘Groundhog day’,
And he keeps waking up everyday in the same bed with the same alarm clock and time,
Next time you see the bed, you’ll immediately predict correctly that the alarm will ring and wake him up.
But that kind of causal relationship is a feature of that particular movie,
And in reality all the pixels are independent of each other and only following the projector reel.
So it is a case of ‘the whole moves the whole’, no part moves the whole wrt. the screen.
Causation is an illusion.
There is only the field, and whatever plays within it is the play of the field itself.
Whatever world, condition, situation, circumstance, or relationship appears,
Is only an appearance that the field plays out just like a movie.Â
The power of the field generates “Experience”.
We have various gross-subtle bodies that relate to what is outside to create experience.
Even the transformation of those bodies (by the field itself or by the power of the higher bodies of your own), is also an appearance of the field.
The field is consciousness, only the field is.
All else is an appearance of the field.
The field is the substrate and all that appears are its modulations.
Depending upon what is awake in you,
i.e. the highest body awake in you and its vision/potential/power,
It will transform all of the lower bodies.
Paradoxically when it comes to our bodies, all of them are subservient to the field.
So all their power is only surrogate power, that is of surrendering to the field itself and thereby channeling more of it.
The more you yield to the higher, the greater the powers and vision you channel.
The field is our highest ultimate body technically speaking.
So ultimately if the field itself is awake in you, it will draw you back into itself by transforming the rest.
In a way, during the transformation, nothing fundamentally changed,
All that changed was that all the particles rearranged themselves by yielding to the higher frequency zone that was awake in you, and along with that, all the lesser powers played themselves out and completed themselves.
Pain is a demand on our attention
Every pain basically demands (seizes) attention.
When we would rather attend to something else,
That is when the pain creates suffering.
The suffering is from the resistance,
Of not wanting to attend to that which is paining.
It could be argued the pain itself appears,
Only after one has ignored something for long enough,
That it starts to break into the threshold of consciousness and escalate.
I’m creating 2 definitions here:
Selfish = attends to self, neglects the other.
Selfless = attends to others, neglects the self.
Broadly I’ve seen:
The selfless person may suffer from a lot of pain themselves,
But others are fairly happy/ok with them.
On the other hand, the selfish person may be quite well themselves,
But others struggle and have a lot of pains in relation to them.
Whatever is not loved creates pain.
When the self is not loved, it creates inside pain = selfless person.
When the other is not loved, the other gives you pain = selfish person.
Only what is loved is satisfied,
And what is not loved is in pain.
The separated disowned parts of your psyche are wanting reintegration,
And the pain is to get you to attend to them and finally own them.
This self-other distinction I wrote above,
Is more for the convenience of speaking and analyzing.
In reality or essence, there is no such division.
They both are only parts of a single landscape.
They are both parts of your current dream in consciousness.
When we would rather attend to something else,
That is when the pain creates suffering.
The suffering is from the resistance,
Of not wanting to attend to that which is paining.
It could be argued the pain itself appears,
Only after one has ignored something for long enough,
That it starts to break into the threshold of consciousness and escalate.
I’m creating 2 definitions here:
Selfish = attends to self, neglects the other.
Selfless = attends to others, neglects the self.
Broadly I’ve seen:
The selfless person may suffer from a lot of pain themselves,
But others are fairly happy/ok with them.
On the other hand, the selfish person may be quite well themselves,
But others struggle and have a lot of pains in relation to them.
Whatever is not loved creates pain.
When the self is not loved, it creates inside pain = selfless person.
When the other is not loved, the other gives you pain = selfish person.
Only what is loved is satisfied,
And what is not loved is in pain.
The separated disowned parts of your psyche are wanting reintegration,
And the pain is to get you to attend to them and finally own them.
This self-other distinction I wrote above,
Is more for the convenience of speaking and analyzing.
In reality or essence, there is no such division.
They both are only parts of a single landscape.
They are both parts of your current dream in consciousness.
Description of the realm of ‘dread, trance, and emptiness’
The dark night of the soul is the journey from:
Illusion -> Illumination -> Union.
During the ‘Illumination -> Union’ phase,
There are different bardo realms of experience to be passed through.
Here I’ll describe the bardo I am presently going through,
Which is of ‘Dread-Trance-Emptiness’.
The ‘dread-trance-emptiness’ bardo,
Has a lot of chaos, confusion, and disorganization
There is deep exhaustion,
In my ability to ‘be/become’ anything.
Like the king is unable to act anymore.
He is just a passive witness to his collapsing kingdom,
Which is falling into evermore chaos-confusion-randomness.
He has even lost interest/desire in it to keep it going,
And is simply now a passive spectator,
Of the spectacle of his kingdom falling into chaos,
And getting reabsorbed by all its surrounding forces.
‘Neglect’ and ‘Withdrawal’ of anything causes death of that thing.
So the process is very much like the process of conscious ego death.
This paradoxically feels like a descent and ascent at the same time.
The plunge into the depths is also the ascent to the heights.
To see everything from above is to see everything from below, and vice versa.
There is a process of passive purgation,
Of a journey into the purgatory playing/unfolding itself out.
I abide in this space passively,
In a ‘continuous falling’ into it.
It is like being in a kayak on a river current.
You cannot stop moving,
But you can influence the kayak with your paddles.
There is again a paradox here, that:
It seems deeply personal and yet so deeply impersonal at the same time.
Passions emerge, actions happen,
But the emptiness of all of it pervades my being.
Almost no experience is riveting enough,
To make me lose sight of the emptiness in the background.
I feel if I pass through all this madness,
I might bottom out and emerge on the other side.
This feels more like a time-energy thing,
Rather than a defined spatial thing,
Where there is a definite distance to cover.
The loss of identity,
Causes a fall into the shadows underneath.
Like sinking into the ground of chaos-filth,
From which the trees of identity spawn and return to.
This is a place where will/action are heavily suspended,
(Hanged man tarot archetype),
And one must mostly only abide/allow.
The only freedoms I have are to resist or allow.
And resistance hurts anyways,
So there is no actual freedom at all.
This archetypal chaotic dream madness (which is also the creative ground),
From which identities/egos in the world spawn,
Resembles the ’12th house’ described in astrology.
It is like the state of ‘dreaming and imagination’.
Waking > Dream > Sleep is what we ordinarily think.
But I think in the spiritual ascension path,
It is the reverse.
Being awake in ‘Sleep’ = Prajna (direct insight),
Being awake in ‘Dream’ = Vigyana (special meta knowledge),
Being awake in ‘Waking’ = Gyana (knowledge)
I feel like my awareness of emptiness is me being awake in the dream world/space/bardos.
This underground/underworld,
Feels like falling into a bottomless pit,
Where there is an infinite fall,
And where I am always in the center in spite of the continuously falling.
Only the scenery continuously keeps changing.
Sometimes I fall through clouds of scintillating mist,
Other times I fall through clouds made of acid.
The only way to communicate or share this experience with others,
Is through imaginative symbolic expressions.
A person going through a similar experience would probably instantly relate.
For others it may be a bit of a stretch to imagine/see.
Illusion -> Illumination -> Union.
During the ‘Illumination -> Union’ phase,
There are different bardo realms of experience to be passed through.
Here I’ll describe the bardo I am presently going through,
Which is of ‘Dread-Trance-Emptiness’.
The ‘dread-trance-emptiness’ bardo,
Has a lot of chaos, confusion, and disorganization
There is deep exhaustion,
In my ability to ‘be/become’ anything.
Like the king is unable to act anymore.
He is just a passive witness to his collapsing kingdom,
Which is falling into evermore chaos-confusion-randomness.
He has even lost interest/desire in it to keep it going,
And is simply now a passive spectator,
Of the spectacle of his kingdom falling into chaos,
And getting reabsorbed by all its surrounding forces.
‘Neglect’ and ‘Withdrawal’ of anything causes death of that thing.
So the process is very much like the process of conscious ego death.
This paradoxically feels like a descent and ascent at the same time.
The plunge into the depths is also the ascent to the heights.
To see everything from above is to see everything from below, and vice versa.
There is a process of passive purgation,
Of a journey into the purgatory playing/unfolding itself out.
I abide in this space passively,
In a ‘continuous falling’ into it.
It is like being in a kayak on a river current.
You cannot stop moving,
But you can influence the kayak with your paddles.
There is again a paradox here, that:
It seems deeply personal and yet so deeply impersonal at the same time.
Passions emerge, actions happen,
But the emptiness of all of it pervades my being.
Almost no experience is riveting enough,
To make me lose sight of the emptiness in the background.
I feel if I pass through all this madness,
I might bottom out and emerge on the other side.
This feels more like a time-energy thing,
Rather than a defined spatial thing,
Where there is a definite distance to cover.
The loss of identity,
Causes a fall into the shadows underneath.
Like sinking into the ground of chaos-filth,
From which the trees of identity spawn and return to.
This is a place where will/action are heavily suspended,
(Hanged man tarot archetype),
And one must mostly only abide/allow.
The only freedoms I have are to resist or allow.
And resistance hurts anyways,
So there is no actual freedom at all.
This archetypal chaotic dream madness (which is also the creative ground),
From which identities/egos in the world spawn,
Resembles the ’12th house’ described in astrology.
It is like the state of ‘dreaming and imagination’.
Waking > Dream > Sleep is what we ordinarily think.
But I think in the spiritual ascension path,
It is the reverse.
Being awake in ‘Sleep’ = Prajna (direct insight),
Being awake in ‘Dream’ = Vigyana (special meta knowledge),
Being awake in ‘Waking’ = Gyana (knowledge)
I feel like my awareness of emptiness is me being awake in the dream world/space/bardos.
This underground/underworld,
Feels like falling into a bottomless pit,
Where there is an infinite fall,
And where I am always in the center in spite of the continuously falling.
Only the scenery continuously keeps changing.
Sometimes I fall through clouds of scintillating mist,
Other times I fall through clouds made of acid.
The only way to communicate or share this experience with others,
Is through imaginative symbolic expressions.
A person going through a similar experience would probably instantly relate.
For others it may be a bit of a stretch to imagine/see.
The world of hyper polarization
The world-era today is called by different names,
Information Age (Info-wars), Age of Hyper Polarization, and so on.
In order to polarize you must take a position of choosing any one side against the other (Red team-Blue team, X-Y etc.).
The issue of taking sides is that,
It creates an endless attack-defense relationship between the 2 sides.
Since there is a vested interest in preserving one’s position,
True investigation cannot happen, and there is circular-thinking from both sides.
When I ponder on this topic further,
It seems like true investigation can only happen from a position of dispassion and disinterest.
The best position that one can take imo seems to be the transcendent position,
That is, the position that transcends both polarities.
As Einstein had said: “Problems cannot be solved from the same level of consciousness in which they exist.”
It is almost like true vision is directly proportional to the level of transcendence/disinterest/disinvestment/dispassion.
More the disinterest = Greater the seeing.
All problems in a way are about polarized positions (1 or -1).
To be FOR or AGAINST, to SUPPORT or OPPOSE, to BE or NOT TO BE and so on.
The truest position is the highest position, which imo is the position of the beginners mind functioning from direct mind-sight, the position of total innocence and direct seeing.
This could be called unconditioned light, or our true nature.
Reminds me of another interesting quote I heard somewhere:
“We know enough to know that we are right,
But we do not know enough to know how we are wrong.”
For instance the world looks flat to us (we know enough to know that we know).
But it takes quite a bit of genius to discover that it is round (to know enough to know how we were wrong in retrospect).
Another example would be: “The world looks solid to us, but it is made up of atoms, and atoms are 99.99% empty space”.
From the level of primordial innocence though,
Both are appearances of the dream field.
The dream of life passes before our eyes.
At various points we close down,
And believe we understand almost everything there is to know about this dream.
We close ourselves into fixed routines, expectations, and conclusions.
But the original mystery we once encountered long before still exists underneath,
And it will reveal itself yet again,
Bringing us back the revelation,
Of our true nature, of being unconditioned light.
Information Age (Info-wars), Age of Hyper Polarization, and so on.
In order to polarize you must take a position of choosing any one side against the other (Red team-Blue team, X-Y etc.).
The issue of taking sides is that,
It creates an endless attack-defense relationship between the 2 sides.
Since there is a vested interest in preserving one’s position,
True investigation cannot happen, and there is circular-thinking from both sides.
When I ponder on this topic further,
It seems like true investigation can only happen from a position of dispassion and disinterest.
The best position that one can take imo seems to be the transcendent position,
That is, the position that transcends both polarities.
As Einstein had said: “Problems cannot be solved from the same level of consciousness in which they exist.”
It is almost like true vision is directly proportional to the level of transcendence/disinterest/disinvestment/dispassion.
More the disinterest = Greater the seeing.
All problems in a way are about polarized positions (1 or -1).
To be FOR or AGAINST, to SUPPORT or OPPOSE, to BE or NOT TO BE and so on.
The truest position is the highest position, which imo is the position of the beginners mind functioning from direct mind-sight, the position of total innocence and direct seeing.
This could be called unconditioned light, or our true nature.
Reminds me of another interesting quote I heard somewhere:
“We know enough to know that we are right,
But we do not know enough to know how we are wrong.”
For instance the world looks flat to us (we know enough to know that we know).
But it takes quite a bit of genius to discover that it is round (to know enough to know how we were wrong in retrospect).
Another example would be: “The world looks solid to us, but it is made up of atoms, and atoms are 99.99% empty space”.
From the level of primordial innocence though,
Both are appearances of the dream field.
The dream of life passes before our eyes.
At various points we close down,
And believe we understand almost everything there is to know about this dream.
We close ourselves into fixed routines, expectations, and conclusions.
But the original mystery we once encountered long before still exists underneath,
And it will reveal itself yet again,
Bringing us back the revelation,
Of our true nature, of being unconditioned light.
The singular dream unfolding
Singular Dream:
There is only the singular divine process,
The singular dream unfolding,
That began before birth even,
And has continued till this day.
There is just this grand whole unfolding,
From where you are now.
3 states cycling:
The 3 states of wake/dream/sleep are like the 3 gears of this dream.
They are in the wheel of the bicycle that keeps moving round and round,
And moving towards the ultimate destiny.
Giant clockwork:
# Every rotation of the earth is the day and night.
# Every rotation of moon around the earth is the month.
# Every rotation of the earth round the sun is the year.
# The sun’s movement round the galaxy makes up the 4 yugas.
# The galaxy’s movement around the super cluster makes up the 4 maha-yugas.
The giant clockwork of the universe goes on.
We experience all of this universal change,
From this particular point of time and space,
From the instrument of this body.
Vertical hierarchy:
There are also the subtler dimensions,
Which is the vertical hierarchy of the universe.
From: Gross ——— Subtle.
From: Thing ——— Nothing
The deepest nothing is from where all the manifest emerges,
Creating many vertical planes of existence.
All of which, we too in our microcosmic bodies,
Experience simultaneously as: Spirit – Mind – Body.
There is only the singular divine process,
The singular dream unfolding,
That began before birth even,
And has continued till this day.
There is just this grand whole unfolding,
From where you are now.
3 states cycling:
The 3 states of wake/dream/sleep are like the 3 gears of this dream.
They are in the wheel of the bicycle that keeps moving round and round,
And moving towards the ultimate destiny.
Giant clockwork:
# Every rotation of the earth is the day and night.
# Every rotation of moon around the earth is the month.
# Every rotation of the earth round the sun is the year.
# The sun’s movement round the galaxy makes up the 4 yugas.
# The galaxy’s movement around the super cluster makes up the 4 maha-yugas.
The giant clockwork of the universe goes on.
We experience all of this universal change,
From this particular point of time and space,
From the instrument of this body.
Vertical hierarchy:
There are also the subtler dimensions,
Which is the vertical hierarchy of the universe.
From: Gross ——— Subtle.
From: Thing ——— Nothing
The deepest nothing is from where all the manifest emerges,
Creating many vertical planes of existence.
All of which, we too in our microcosmic bodies,
Experience simultaneously as: Spirit – Mind – Body.
A short description of my experience
I experience life itself like a dream.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.
Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?
The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.
I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.
My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.
Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.
The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.
Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?
The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.
I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.
My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.
Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.
The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.
Journey to the Abstract 