Poetic reflections – Dark night of the soul

snowyisolated

Photo credit: Todd Hito Photography

I feel remote, separate,
forlorn, far away, limbo-like,
deeply-lost, dis-connected,
so lonely, so alone, so solitary,
confined, isolated, deserted,
unrelatable, abandoned, darkness,
dread, trance, disparagement,
hopelessness, powerlessness, smallness,
deep sadness, grief, and emptiness.

I trudge and amble along
Faint reveries from the past bubble up in me
Time has slowed down to a crawl
I feel desolate and frozen
I feel my will and resolve weakening
Moods of despair thwart my movement
But I keep moving from the power of my faith

My body and soul are weary/enervated/sapped/drained
I drag my cross as I walk onward into the desert
My body is a bed of sensation and I acutely sense all of it
My body feels leaden/dead/heavy/old/saturnine/lethargic

I’m inside a glass cage
I cannot touch anyone and nobody can touch me
I walk into the foggy night praying for transformation
Anxieties, doubts, loneliness, confusions and fears are my frequent companions
They are my friends in this journey
I work with each of them patiently and with my highest compassion

My past is like a distant dream
What is ahead of me is a liminal frontier

Contemplations on the dark night of the soul

Action - Reaction concept

The background memory of the “dark night of the soul/entry into the underworld/dragon of chaos” is what will give me “enjoyment and meaning” for future good experiences?

And similarly, isn’t it so that I perceived the “dark night of the soul” itself from the memory of previously good experiences and hopes?

I see an interplay of foreground and background everywhere:
Life is life because of death in the background.
Death is death because of life in the background.
The 2 mutually need each other for their own BEING.
So the dark night of soul suffering inevitably paves the way for supreme enjoyment.
Similarly, the dark night itself showed that you have had supreme enjoyments in the past, whose loss you lament when you compare your current reality (dark night) to that of the memory you carry.

[bg = background
fg = foreground]

Dissolution process:
…DNOS (Bad memories) ongoing —–<—— Good memories bg

Resurrection process:
DNOS (Bad memories bg) ——–>—— Good memories ongoing…

Chaos bg ——>——– Order fg ongoing…
…Chaos fg ongoing ——-<——– Order bg

Death bg ——>———- Life ongoing…
Death ongoing… ——–<———- Life bg

I intuit these pendulum swings ultimately serve EVOLUTION/GROWTH/WISDOM (the pearl beyond price). This is a higher context to view one’s whole life from by a far stretch. However the HIGHEST of the HIGHEST contexts is the MYSTERY/UNKNOWN.
I can only intuit now from my level of understanding and knowledge.

Also the experiences are holographic/total/analogy/singular, in the NOW. This NOW also contains the [MEMORY->EXPECTATION] FRAMES/LENSES which “condition/shape/structure” perception accordingly.
They may also contain high flavors of paradoxical “presence of absence/presence of loss” which is essentially the witnessing of dissolution/death-process/decathection-process of a certain energy structure = we term as GRIEF.
Grief is the chaos that ensues when a structure is lost, and a hole is created which has to be restitched and re-synthesized with the WHOLE.

Generally for people, ordinary loss is like ONE hole of chaos in their fabric of reality.
But in the dark night of soul, it is the chaos underneath that swallows the entire fabric into itself -> and from that a new much larger structure would potentially emerge.

To give an analogy:
Ordinary losses are like being bitten by a animal, i.e. a small hole of chaos in a large body of order.
You attend to you wound, nurse it and it heals.

The dark night of soul is on the other hand is like a TOTAL loss, like being eaten alive completely by a t-rex, the old you is completely dissolved and after a period of transformation you open your new eyes as the t-rex once your energy is distilled/extracted/integrated into its structure.

It is the ultimate breakdown and the ultimate resurrection.
That is why the masters have always said ->
Deeper the dark night, greater the inquiry = greater the resurrection/greater the upliftment.
The lower you go -> The higher you rise.
The darker the night -> The brighter the day.
The law is illumination by contrast.
The other principles I see that apply are: Alchemy/Sublimation.

How far you are willing and travel into chaos? -> That will be how far of an increase in the deepest order you will experience.

Dark night of soul – The longing for rest

meltingcandle

I feel so much of tiredness/lassitude/fatigue/blankness.
I cannot bring the formless to form using my power.
There is no will, interest, or energy to do so.
I am too tired to focus and object-ify anything.
My desire is to relax further and further into the formless and to rest in the ground of being.

I am too tired to do the self-ing action(self-ing is a verb, we self ourselves into existence, it is an unconscious effort)
My self has lost all potency of becoming.
Rather, I want to relax myself out of objectified existence.
All my drive is towards unbecoming now.
Everything is blank as I enter into a barely/dimly conscious dissociative space.
A state which I knew since earliest childhood, it feels familiar.
A state of blankness and void.

I feel a loss of desire/interest/will/force/potency of all mental powers, faculties as I relax.
This also removes all ambitions, hopes, investments, ideals, goals, which rest over and above the former powers.
It is like gradually falling asleep and entering the hypnogogic symbolic state of fluid mind and staying there.
My signal is tuning out and relaxing and entering the primordial ground of being.

There is only a flow, and very weak selves arise, morph, or pass.
I feel a loss of all powers from this relaxation – a relaxing of the self-ing power itself back into the void/blankness/spontaneous happening.
The insight I get is that, it is the “ground of being” that emerges out of itself as SELF-ing and then DE-SELFs and relaxes back into itself. (creating the cycle of becoming and unbecoming, just like the day and night cycle).
I am only dimly conscious of objects, mostly just of a broad boundary-less abstract blank.

I cannot tighten my mental muscles to focus on any objects, there is no will to do so.
My relaxation takes me into the objectless/formless/timeless/limbo/symbolic, and I cannot OBJECT-IFY or FOCUS.
All I wish for is a deep sleep back into non-existence/void/whatever my substrate is.
I am just tired weary and wish for SLEEP.
I feel like it is 3am for my soul, which is just waiting for a deep sleep back into itself.

I see insights like “All of life is relationship”.
And now I am de-coloring/de-cathecting all my relationships to objects and sinking back into the formless, timeless, wholeness, and unknowable void.
Just like we have bright daytime activity and the sleep of night, I intuit the soul too has days and nights.
I wish for a safe sleep into the ground of being.
My process now, is to remove all blockages, responsibilities, bondage and relationships that are preventing full rest and keeping me up.
Maybe a time will come after I sleep when I want to rejoin the world in inspiration, excitement, love, and fervor.
But now is the night for me.
I want to sink back to my source.
I want to die into the abstract.
This also reflects the title of my blog “Journey to the abstract”.

My Longing

longing

I feel a longing in direct experience, but it is hard to describe it.
Here is my attempt to come close to describing it:
Longing for God
Longing for Rest
Longing to Relax
Longing for Disappearance
Longing for Deep Sleep
Longing for Ecstasy
Longing for the Infinite
Longing for Release
Longing for Liberation
Longing for Wholeness
Longing for Integration
Longing for Silence
Longing to be released from the Body
Longing to be released from Identity
Longing to know ‘What I Am’
Longing for Flow
Longing for Death
Longing for Peace
Longing for Love
Longing for Understanding
Longing for Purpose
Longing for Revelation
Longing for Freedom
Longing for Bliss/Pleasure
Longing for Clarity
Longing for Mystery
Longing for the Beyond
Longing for Surrender
Longing for Truth
Longing for Light
Longing for Inspiration
Longing for Connection

Night sea journey

nightsea

I often ask myself the question “what do you want?”
When I look inside myself for the answer I see a huge soup of impossible contradictions.
And because I want opposite things, it becomes impossible to move forward.
It is like a boat that is still in the middle of the ocean without a rider.
And say you ask the boat “where are you going?”.
And lets say it communicates the answer to you through its movements.
What would you see?
You would just see it randomly bobbing back and forth in random directions based on the wind forces around it and the undulations in the water surface.
My internal forces, drives and will-power have become like that.

Imagine you are in a boat traversing the night sea.
Say you had a map with you and now that is lost.
The waves, winds and other external pressures determine your steering and movement, but to you it all looks meaningless.
Everything is equally relevant, meaningful, and meaningless simultaneously.
My internal psyche feels like that.
This state of my psyche gets projected to the external world I inhabit too.
The world is only a prop for the movie that you project on it from your psyche.
This is a very strange, liminal, and limbo-like peculiar state of experience for which I have given a kind of poetic expression.
Basically it is the loss of the map.
It is being adrift and directionless.
Mirages of lands emerge at a distance, making me pursue that direction, but it is only temporary for it vanishes and it is replaced by another mirage somewhere else.

The map of reality tells you what is relevant, where to go, what to ignore, what to pursue, what to collect, and so on.
Without this map, now you do not know where to go(what direction), what is relevant or irrelevant, or what is to be pursued or let go.
You do not know what is a blessing and what is a curse, and the perception of things can flip flop too.
Your whole world views can change in a day which would reorder all your energies only for it to change again the next day and once again reorder all your energies.
So how can you make any investment if it can be voided anytime by a fundamental shift?
What can you do if your very ground and frame of reference is constantly shifting? (like undulating waters).

I don’t know if a stable map or a deeper map of reality will ever emerge again.
Will I learn a new way of living without having a map?
Will strong desires ever fill me up again? OR am I moving towards transcendent silence?
Such questions circle my mind.
But all the questions and answers in this territory are again only temporary appearances.
Every emotion arises and vanishes.
Every concern, Every doubt, Every focused area, Every meta-narrative is appearing and disappearing rapidly like a shimmer.
To say I am lost, is to imply that I believe I can be found.
But even that belief does not stay constant :).
I bob in and out of various creative potentials.

The dark night of the soul and chakras

7-Chakras-7-Worlds

There is the world -> then the world of worlds -> then the world of world of worlds, and so on -> Creating the higher and higher context realities.
So, it in the “world of world of worlds”, the mega-context, the far and distant background/context, where the dark night of soul occurs.
For instance in physical terms, if the earth were to go out of orbit – wouldn’t that MEGA-CONTEXT shift affect EVERY SINGLE thing?
The Dark night of soul(dnos) is something like that.
It is a change in the MEGA-CONTEXT layer, which is why it is called dark night of “SOUL”, because the soul is this mega-context/background.

The DNOS is also a 6C(6th chakra) journey.
It is the penance of Shiva to realize his essence.
One could also say that among the 6C realms of ISIS, APOPHIS, and OSIRIS, the dnos represents the realm of APOPHIS.

The egos in society operating to gain:
Security(1C)
Relationships and pleasure(2C)
Status/worldly-knowledge(3C)
and are operating in the 1C, 2C, 3C worlds.
For them anything beyond 3C is far out.
Whereas the dark nighter is operating in the 6C(other-worldly/visionary knowledge) world.

When 6C journeying happens, all the lower chakras get instantly disempowered which is the feeling of getting disconnected from God.
Because here God is Shiva = Third-eye = residing in the 6C or the 6th dimension.
Literally, Shiva loses interest in the lower chakras.

When the 6C loses interest in the lower chakras, the 6C starts journeying to its source(which is ITS ORIGINAL WISDOM aligned to 7C = DIVINE), and now the 6C starts alchemizing all the lower chakras as it moves to ALIGNMENT with its source.
Alchemizing/Purification/Alignment is a ROSY WORD for the harsh climate created for all the other chakras by the 6C return journey.
Each chakra is like a person you know – Our physical person, Our emotional person, Our ego person, Our interests/love person, and so on.
So those people i.e. the lower chakra people go through the DARK NIGHT process of alignment.

The 6C is where the IGNORANCE and DISCONNECTION from God lies.
It is also the chakra where ‘depression’; occurs.
A normal person who believes he is a mortal body/ego lives in 6C estrangement and their 6C channels god energy from afar, like a moon reflecting the sun(moonlight).
That is why they believe, they are this personality/ego, they are mortal, they are the body, they will die etc.
Whereas for a person who has gone through the entire alchemy, his 6C is no longer estranged from the infinite source, and therefore it lives close to the sun and basks in its glory.

Q&A on Dark night of the soul

A friend and I were discussing about the dark night of soul, and she asked some really interesting questions, which I pondered on, and then wrote her a reply.

Here is the Q&A:
Q1 – At what point does someone acknowledge the disorientation and start focusing more on integration than destruction…?
A1:
I can answer from my experience. (I’m gonna write a lot, bear with me 🙂 )
I think both the processes happen together in transformation, but the degree varies. Like to give an extreme example, if I explode a bomb in a region, the old in the region dies, while the new gets born.
Sounds good in principle.
The only issue is the new looks like a post-apocalypic dystopian ruin site.
It might take many years for there to be a steady pace of growth of structures in this region.

If we look at what is dying – it is the dark night, if we look at what is being born – it is rebirth. Although the higher principle of simultaneity is present, we also see distinct season like patterns. Like how in Buddhist vipassana practice they delineate stages of evolution, and the dark night basically falls under – greater awareness of death/passing, than of arising/growth.
The vice versa can happen too, once the death potential is complete like the swinging of a pendulum to one end and stopping because its momentum is finished (simplistic example of the pattern).

I feel there is something deeper and greater(the soul?) that matures through this mysterious birth-death process, like in my case, I feel there is a gradual increase of overall maturity, deeper knowledge and deepening of context intuition etc. which has helped ease the ride through these confusing states of being. So nowadays I do notice much better stability overall and a deeper trust and relaxation, and also a better knowing/apprehension/clarity/discernment of appearance.
Like how growing up happens, it is not a single experience that makes one an adult, but a series of mystical journeys and passages. Something really super mystical/deep/abstract/intuitive is evolving from all the passing experiences.

I think one can say the dark night has ended, when there is a noticeable swing in the opposite direction/upswing of life force/spirit? Maybe a crystallization of a new vision, a renewed vigor, hope, expansion, love etc.? It’s hard to be really precise though, I feel the dark night ends depending on your overall evaluation of your gestalt. Like when your system becomes emptier, fresher, harmonized and radiant with energy and allows you to expand? – I don’t know, I may be presenting new kinds of wishful fantasies and dreams here, but just trying to create art with my words, so that you can see through it? 🙂

Q2 – At what point does someone become comfortable with perpetual dismantling and generation so that it’s no longer a “dark night”
A2:
Hmm, yea, I can see what you are pointing to. Like there is the suffering component (all forms) and the process of death itself (endarkment). I would say technically the process is on until there is the upswing resurgence of spirit influx (like an inbreath), however, one may develop high enough equanimity and understanding in its later stages, that he can ride through the emptiness (meaning like what you described quick fast alternating cycles of discontinuous creations). Maybe growth could also mean the intensification of the discontinuous creativity until it swallows all of the observer, making observer-observed ONE. Like one may ask, to who is this dark night of soul happening to?, and this would point to a subject/observer structure, which may get further dissoluted when contemplating deeper on the subject of the experience.

At one point does one become comfortable? hmm, that is possible only if your energy output and structure transcends the fluctuations that are happening. And I feel the fluctuations that are happening are basically structures in your psyche dying out from spirit withdrawal. So once a LOT of the death processes are completed in the psyche structure, then it feels a lot clearer, brighter, fresher, emptier and this may increase available energy for fresh creativity too. So maybe at that point, a person would start to feel comfortable, like he/she/it rises above the suffering vs. being debilitated and disabled by it.

Q3 Is it possible that a fascination with the “dark night” and identification with it might complicate the surrender necessary to move through it
A3:
I can totally see your point. Yes, but I think the fascination with dark night is also a psyche structure. My methodology is – if you are fascinated, go all into it, so much that it completes/exhausts itself. Isn’t it like any other passion? and how do we get over passions? -> my method is usually I go all in and do it so totally, and experience it so fully and deeply that I transcend it. I think we identify with things, until we are bored. Boredom seems to be the real mover. And I feel boredom is an impetus for moving on/trying something new/flowing/reevaluating etc. It seems like the precursor of all passion/creativity. So yea, I would say: Give into your fascination, passion, curiosity, so fully, and satisfy yourself so deeply without an agenda, that you automatically ride the wave of spirit