Category: Insight

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Rant: The higher reality is the ultimate humiliation for the Ego

Learning about the intricate workings of the human body and its workings is paralyzing me.
Its like the centipede thinking about how it is moving all its legs and it is thrown into chaos.
The body is insanely fragile and taking care of it means a total 100% commitment to it, causing 100% loss of freedom, from all its accumulated dos and donts.
The vulnerability of the body is enormous.
Everything and anything can potentially go wrong.
There is potential for endless hurts, injuries, pain and debilitation.
Pain ends all freedom.
Also the part that even if I perfectly take care of it, it is going to deteriorate and perish one day anyway right?
How does everyone ignore this plight of existence?
And what can really matter in this plane being such a paralyzing prison?
Reality is a paralyzing prison when seen by the thinking mind, as it tries to hold on to all of its knowledge in order to prevent damage, injury, pain, suffering, agony.
So how helpless I am, I have this fragile-fragile-body that can be destroyed by just about anything(innumerable forces)?
How can my intellect ensure my protection with this kind of existential condition?
My fear of pain and suffering – paralyzes me – because it can come from anywhere.
How can I fearlessly go about my activities, when I know that damage can come from anywhere?
It is also true that pleasure, growth, ecstasy, involvement, and great adventures too can come from anywhere.
But I have no idea what is what.

My mind is simply helpless against this infinity.
How much can it do and hold and strategize?
My mind must become a servant to god and simply handle whatever situation is given to it and whatever capacity it is given at that moment.
This is extraordinarily humiliating for my ego(mind) – My ego has to live like a total slave and submit to whatever reality the higher chooses at each moment.
What is the use of doing anything, when I can be broken down at any time, at the whim of the higher power?
The higher power does not show itself to most people, and so their ego is mostly in charge and quite confident.
But even if the higher power gives me one sweeping strike, my ego realizes how it can be pinned to the ground and debilitated completely by this force.
So yea then I am a servant of god, my ego and mind are servants of god/’higher reality’ inaccessible to me now.
How can I feel happy about this?
This is like abject servitude and enslavement.
What freedom do I as the ego have?
I am completely utterly enslaved.
I’m relegated to simply being a witness.
This is like being totally and utterly helpless and powerless.
The higher could give me a measly power and take it away anytime too, like a bully can corner a student, take away his stuff, and then say offer to give him back his pencil, only to pull it away from him when he reaches for it, and then have a laugh. What a humiliation it is.
The vulnerability I have to live with is that all of the worst hellish realities can happen, I can be mutilated, tortured, thwarted, cheated, ridiculed, overpowered, destroyed, disabled – anything can happen.
My own history is a testament too, to some of this.
I mean the dilemma here is, how am I stuck with a fragile body in a kind of unpredictable universe.
The other can be cruel/brutal to me or be kind/compassionate and I have no control. All I can do is put up a tantrum, start a non-cooperation and measly defenses against these forces.
And even if the good times come, how can I rest at ease thinking the tortures are gone forever, they are only a breath away and the entire reality can flip in an instant.
Such is my existential condition with its fragility, vulnerability and humiliation possibility.
On the other side, strength, power, toughness and grace are also possibilities, but it doesn’t damn matter because “I AM NOT IN CHARGE 😦 :(”
I will have to helplessly receive and do my part for whatever is given.
This is horrific humiliation.
How is this different from having a crazy huge dinosaur in your house, which sometimes licks your face, but you know very well, if he chooses, he can bite the shit out of you in seconds.
How can you feel good when he is nice to you and licks your face?
Won’t you be perennially terrified? and in fear? and in defense? and in a clenched contracted state? no matter what is given to you? – be it status quo, be it pain, be it pleasure, be it growth, be it death?
The point is, the very fundamental core of my existence is insecure.
I am like an ant walking happily on the street where it would only take a fraction of a second for a human to stomp on me, and even if I see it coming, I will have nowhere to run.
How can I live in such a scary existential situation where EVERYTHING can be taken away in an instant?
This is worse than serving Hitler, because at-least he could not take away your deep beliefs and philosophy.
Here in this case, the higher power can take away EVERYTHING and even ANNIHILATE you totally.
Not only that, we already have a death sentence, each and every human being, we are just standing on the death rows and even the time and place of our death is not revealed to us.
It will happen anytime when we are unprepared.
It is like your friend telling you that he will shoot you with a sniper anytime and you will never know when.
Now in this kind of existential situation, how can I feel assured, safe?
And what is trust really? God is both the creator and destroyer. So where is the question of trust when TOTAL destruction and the very elimination of all of you is only a matter of time?
Even what is good or bad, what is a blessing or curse, I cannot know with my measly mind.
I feel like an ant living inside an ant colony in the middle of the street, totally vulnerable to what the humans around me do to me.
A small boy might just come and kick the hill and destroy the colossal effort I put in to build it.
OR they could just throw a bucket of water, ruining everything leaving me gasping for my life and most probably dying.
How can I enjoy life in such an existential condition?
Every moment of this situation is terror and fear.
I cannot live like this, I want to be the creator and live as the creator and not as this severely humiliating pawn who is utterly at the MERCY of the unknown.
Children are like that, when they are born.
They are utterly at the mercy of their parents.
Utterly helpless.
In the grander scheme how are we different from the new-borns in the hands of the higher power/God? We are completely and utterly at its mercy.
Without faith, not even 1/billionth of enjoyment would be possible.
Without faith, one would be cowering in fear and frozen into an unmoving ball – like the only man standing in front of a world of zombies from the “I am legend movie”.
But this faith for God cannot be for self-preservation because God is both the creator and destroyer, so it follows that you will be destroyed.
Death is inevitable for each and every one and every thing.
Imagine you created a puppet and that puppet has consciousness.
That is analogous to our condition, we are the puppets.
The puppet is us, and the creator is like the higher power.
When this terrifying condition of the ego is seen, the only quest is to find the higher truth and live as the deeper reality instead of living as the helpless ego.
This condition otherwise is the ultimate humiliation for the ego, its ultimate mockery.
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Desire = Focus = Drives Reality

Desire drives focus.
And your reality is what your focus on.
So Desire -> Focus -> Reality.
If at any moment you want focus, find the desire in that moment, that is your focus, and your reality will tune to that.
Also if desire vacates the regular world, society, other people and moves on to something else abstract, the focus will accordingly shift and your reality WILL VACATE the world, the world will cease.
The same rule applies to all out of body states.
It is all driven by desire.
When you desire an out of body state -> you focus on it.
The better your focus, the more that state fills your reality replacing the current reality you are in.
Your potentials for experience therefore depend on the available desires in your reality appearance.
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All practices/doing crystallize the very structures that justify them

Every ‘doing’ is driven by a structure.
Like say, you want to make your life more meaningful.
You feel that desire in you that drives you to do things in order to achieve the same.
So now you are invested in the ‘doing’, the verb/action of it.
But ‘doing’ is impossible, unless there is a belief structure in place to validate it in the first place.
So the investment in ‘doing’ fortifies, crystallizes, and solidifies the very structure that justifies it (in you consciousness).
For example, only if you believe, your current life is not meaningful enough [Abstract notation: X is not enough] will you have the doing energy/force itself arise.
Another example would be, you defend only when you have something to protect.
If you have nothing to protect, then defense would vanish too.
So all doing is a mirror to your belief structures.

Like say, if you believe life is terrible and you also believe that you can escape it with effort, then these 2 stacked belief structures will initiate a lot of doing energy in order to make life good and escape the terrible parts.
The interesting aspect in this example here is that, the 2 stacked beliefs initiate the doing.
So there can be multiple stacked layers of beliefs.
Let’s say layer 2 of this belief stack falls apart – i.e. the belief that this terrible life can be escaped is dissolved.
Then, the person is left to experience his original belief that life is terrible. He will now feel the terribleness of life and feel powerless to escape it because the belief that it can be escaped has been dissolved.
So in work towards self-transcendence, such regression of belief structures can materialize hellish despair like states of mind.
That is the DARK SIDE of self-transcendence.
The people who seek it, usually suffer a GREAT deal.
Because what can be the motivation for self-transcendence intense seeking.
It is a deep deep core belief that life is abjectly terrible.
So in the final stages of self-transcendence, like they say, a finger nail can block the sun.
Similarly, you might encounter the worst root belief in your stack – the worst fear, the worst terror or condition, just before you totally let go.
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The trap of opposing what your parents want you to be

Interestingly, in opposing my parents, I get stuck in a even bigger trap.
Lets say, parents want me to be X.
So then the algorithm I use is to BE[Not X]
Which is the same as -(-1) which is NOT = 1, unlike what mathematics may say.
Another way to put it is, a negative[negative] does not make a positive.
It in fact makes it even more complicated than 2x of the original negative.
In the task of opposing something totally I become more limited and narrow than the original thing itself.
I become even more narrow because now I am preoccupied with 3 things:
X, opposing X/finding its opposite, choosing to not be X.

This process is counterproductive because my ultimate reason for this opposition is to be FREE.
But this opposition puts me in an even bigger trap than the original trap of an image being imposed on me.
The solution here seems to be pointing towards LETTING GO of resistance and simply flowing as smoothly and unattached as possible.
In a way, I have further crystallized X by opposing it, when the goal itself was to let go of X in order to be something free’er and larger.
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Labels vs Actuals

Aphorism:
A rose by any other name, would still smell as sweet.
Corollary:
A foul smelling flower would still smell foul, even if you call it a rose.

So relationship, family, friends, marriage, relatives – all of them are just LABELS.
Look under the label to see the actual flower.
See the actuals, not the labels.
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The process of creation and growth

The process of creation involves the following cycles:
Chaos -> Structure 1 -> Chaos -> Structure 2 -> Chaos….and so on
No essence(soul, monad) is retained between the structures, except the totality(God) itself.

The process of growth is similar, but it retains an essential quality which grows:
Chaos -> Structure 1 -> Structure1 + Chaos -> Structure2….and so on

It seems like by this model:
Creation is a cycle while Growth is a process.

Lets say, the Monad or individual soul only lasts one lifetime and does not span across lifetimes.
This model is in line with the teachings of ‘Nisargadatta Maharaj’ who experienced no persisting essence beyond the body whatsoever.
In that case, it would mean the spark of the essential monad appears in a primordial total chaos(before birth) and this spark initiates the whole birth-growth-death process.
Another possibility could be: The monad could last multiple lifetimes spanning multiple realms.

Another totally different model itself, would be:
Where we are endlessly growing from life to life.
Where there is an individual soul essence(monad), that grows forever.
But interesting, this model limits creativity.
Because TOTAL CREATIVITY -> REQUIRES TOTAL DISSOLUTION
Otherwise there is still the limitation of the original essence.
And the “Growth” concept can only apply until there is an enduring essence.
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Searching and engaging in “Focus potentials”

experiencespaces

What I keep searching for is – “POTENTIALS for focus”, in my “experience space”.
Once I choose the best suited potential focus, I then kineticize it(zoom into that portion of the fractal) and enjoy the “trip/journey” that it contains.
Then once I’m done, I again scan my experience space for potential focuses.
Boredom is when I cannot find a strong focus potential, and when all my energy is used in testing and choosing/decision making i.e. testing various potentials to see which one can bring the best overall coherence and meaning to my experience.
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Following the Desire to change something never works

My desires and emotions are giving me a message about reality like “mathematics”.
I will listen to that directly without “resistance” or “desire to change it”.
“Desire to change something” is always a “Reaction” and not an “Action”.
This can be understood, by looking at “Forces” and Structures”
( Martial arts clearly demonstrates this principle in a tangible physical manner
Here is a wing-chun video that demonstrates this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r85CAAxJfQ )
A structure generates force, no structure = no force
So, desires and emotions are “forces” generated by an underlying “structure”.

The reality I experience is analogous to where I put my focus/attention.
When I INVEST in the DESIRE to change something, then I am investing my attention energy into the FORCE and not the STRUCTURE generating the force.
So as a result, I only become aware of the FORCE and the places it takes me to, and not of the structure itself that generated the force in the first place.
Consequently, the “STRUCTURE” which is the very thing I want to change, never enters my awareness (because I am too busy chasing the FORCE), and change is as a result – IMPOSSIBLE.

That is why Einstein said “A problem can never be solved at the level of consciousness in which it originated”.
Only transcending to a subtler level allows the structure to enter your awareness.

Letting go of the desire to change something, and BEING with the something, is the only way I can see the very structure and not get caught up by the paths created by the forces generated by the structure.
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About values, judgment, discrimination, forces, points of view

Infinite(Ocean) -> Belief Structure(Drop point of view) -> Values(To connect to all other drops with similar values) -> Judgment(The seeing of other drops’ values through the host drop’s values)
“What you value” is the same as “What you want” is the same as “What you Desire” is the same as “Your Interest”.
Value = Want = Desire = Interest = Passion.
Also, Discrimination = Judgment.

To know yourself, is to know your genetic desires/forces, your biological desires/forces, your conditioning created desires/forces.
Everything is a force.
You are a force, interacting with other forces.
There is only a dance of forces.
Knowing yourself is to know your forces – that will enable you to know the most harmonious interaction/relationship possible with the other.
If you don’t know yourself (your forces), then harmonious interaction will be a matter of chance, as you blindly try various experiments with various people.
What will you die for? That represents your transcendent soul value.

The question might be, can I see others without the lens of judgment?
Is there something called “objective seeing”?
The answer to this takes me into esoteric inquiry.
The situation here reminds me of the hologram.
Every point in the hologram contains the whole.
The hologram concept unites: Unity and Multiplicity.
The large number of points present in the hologram represents multiplicity.
Whereas, the fact that each contains the whole represents unity.
Each point sees the whole from its point of view.
So actualization is to see the infinite from your point of view.
So I could probably conclude, we are all evolving towards actualizing and expanding our own point of view (expanding who we are) and relating with more and more of other points of view (expanding our relations).

Another more day to day analogy might be:
We are all basically like different flavors of icecream.
The fact that we are all icecream in essence is the UNITY aspect.
The fact that each of us has a unique flavor is the MULTIPLICITY aspect.

That is why, I am the infinite God, and you are an infinite God too.
I see you in myself, you see me in yourself (total interpenetration of being).
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Causeless winds vs. effort(caused) winds

Are you following the divine effortless winds? OR creating winds via. egoic effort?
Often, when there is no divine wind, the ego puts efforts and generates winds to compensate for the emptiness created.
This has the flavor of [draining, suffering, effort, struggle, desperation, pushing].
Its as if you are depleting your reservoir.

Instead I intuit that, when there is no wind, ideally one should just sit, and move only if a causeless wind is present.
I would like to move only from the causeless, and not from any generated force from any structure. Because every structure is a reservoir of divine energy and this stored energy is depleted as the structure exerts its own force and generates winds.
– When you are generating force with belief and investment, you are generating karma.
– When you are generating force, but belief and investment is not there, then it has the background of emptiness and there is no karma. It is like a de-clutched car, still moving from the momentum and structures of winds but without a powering force.
– When you are not generating any force, and when all the modulator wind generating structures (samskharas) have been atrophied and dissolved to just point potentials, you rest in the causeless and are moved only by the causeless wind.

* Karma is nothing but Becoming
* Living in the causeless is like living without becoming anything
* Structures in your consciousness that I speak about, are like entities inhabiting your experience field, that collect divine energy, and then accordingly generate/modulate winds in your consciousness, seeking to grow their structure. They are like viruses that trap divine energy – when the sun shines – and then generate forces from this stored energy in order to further themselves. That is the principle of ego (which is the mothership structure) and samskharas basically.