Meeting a twin-flame

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When I saw her the first time,
There was instant recognition,
That instant recognition was instant love,
Instant oneness, Instant connection,
Instant comfort, Instant understanding.
I knew I knew her intimately,
Beyond how much she knew about herself.
I have known her forever.
Like meeting a long lost friend.
Like meeting an old lover from a past life.
Like meeting someone from the same soul family,
Made of the same dough.

Night sea journey

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I often ask myself the question “what do you want?”
When I look inside myself for the answer I see a huge soup of impossible contradictions.
And because I want opposite things, it becomes impossible to move forward.
It is like a boat that is still in the middle of the ocean without a rider.
And say you ask the boat “where are you going?”.
And lets say it communicates the answer to you through its movements.
What would you see?
You would just see it randomly bobbing back and forth in random directions based on the wind forces around it and the undulations in the water surface.
My internal forces, drives and will-power have become like that.

Imagine you are in a boat traversing the night sea.
Say you had a map with you and now that is lost.
The waves, winds and other external pressures determine your steering and movement, but to you it all looks meaningless.
Everything is equally relevant, meaningful, and meaningless simultaneously.
My internal psyche feels like that.
This state of my psyche gets projected to the external world I inhabit too.
The world is only a prop for the movie that you project on it from your psyche.
This is a very strange, liminal, and limbo-like peculiar state of experience for which I have given a kind of poetic expression.
Basically it is the loss of the map.
It is being adrift and directionless.
Mirages of lands emerge at a distance, making me pursue that direction, but it is only temporary for it vanishes and it is replaced by another mirage somewhere else.

The map of reality tells you what is relevant, where to go, what to ignore, what to pursue, what to collect, and so on.
Without this map, now you do not know where to go(what direction), what is relevant or irrelevant, or what is to be pursued or let go.
You do not know what is a blessing and what is a curse, and the perception of things can flip flop too.
Your whole world views can change in a day which would reorder all your energies only for it to change again the next day and once again reorder all your energies.
So how can you make any investment if it can be voided anytime by a fundamental shift?
What can you do if your very ground and frame of reference is constantly shifting? (like undulating waters).

I don’t know if a stable map or a deeper map of reality will ever emerge again.
Will I learn a new way of living without having a map?
Will strong desires ever fill me up again? OR am I moving towards transcendent silence?
Such questions circle my mind.
But all the questions and answers in this territory are again only temporary appearances.
Every emotion arises and vanishes.
Every concern, Every doubt, Every focused area, Every meta-narrative is appearing and disappearing rapidly like a shimmer.
To say I am lost, is to imply that I believe I can be found.
But even that belief does not stay constant :).
I bob in and out of various creative potentials.

My response to someone going through a dark night of the soul

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In my experience I feel ALL is a dream.
A dream is real when it lasts, but it is totally unreal once it has passed.
I feel all of my life and experience has been this dream nature.
Neither can I point to a solid world, nor do I see a solid self.
The whole experience for me is just ‘alive spirit’ ranging from unimaginable suffering to unimaginable joy.
So not a DROP of this ‘dark night of the soul’ will be there once your dream shifts.
I have seen life plays hide and seek with me many times, and absolutely surprises me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Even if NOTHING (absolutely nothing) is different in my life circumstance, suddenly I would feel really great sometimes.
At the same time, when the difficult time is present, it feels eternal and makes it impossible to access anything happy and removes even the vaguest conception of hope.
Life is like a milder psychedelic trip in my experience.
Although the experiences feel totally random and maddening, I feel something super deep is evolving from each of those experiences.
It is something like how a child grows up.
No one experience has made the child grow up, but rather it is the child living through 1000’s of mystical journeys after which it feels like an adult.
I feel the dark night is a journey into the unknown, like we keep bobbing in and out of the fire of the unknown, until deemed necessary.
Every experience is trans-formative in my opinion.
This is the fire of chaos(infinite potential), and I think you will come out of it as a higher dimensional entity – A Phoenix.
Also always remember:
“Nothing real can be threatened, Nothing unreal exists”

We all love the child

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We all love the child
Who dances like nobody is looking
Who sings like nobody is listening
Whose joy radiates and influences others
Who is spontaneous without a care
Who involves himself into you, giving no heed to your history
Who celebrates each moment in the mood of wonder
Who looks at the ordinary like it’s extraordinary
Who bears within him vast potentials
Whose total absence of self-consciousness is refreshing
Who invests in the moment like there is no tomorrow
Who trusts you so fully to be oblivious in your arms
We recognize the child, because that is us
The lost part of us, the treasure we have lost
Which we are seeking to reclaim

I am the phoenix

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I am the phoenix
I am the high vibration butterfly and have shed my older coat
Nothing escapes my eyes
I am the force of rising
I am that which uplifts/elevates
The force that dances and spins upward in a spiral
Like the 2 strands of DNA dancing
Like the dance between the Yin and Yang
Like a tornado moving everything upward
My presence is a fire
I shatter and scorch anything that isn’t truth
I transmute everything to its higher frequency
I am the force of transformation, transmutation, and transcendence.
I radiate light wherever I go
I am Neo, of the matrix
I see the duality of 0s and 1s in its full glory
I am the liberator/transporter of souls
I bridge the higher realms
I fly steadfastly towards the sun without looking away

Journey to home

“Keep you eyes on the real goal” – I keep telling myself
As I navigate this territory without the ego structure
Sometimes higher goals appear, at other times chaos appears
Various gross and subtle fragments of identification fill up my entirety and pass through/change.
I cannot yet sense a ground.
I fall through various fragments/shifting identifications -> and shifting worlds.
I am like a true traveler, a psychic nomad, moving through various landscapes of the mind.
This is my journey towards home.
This is a unique territory that is to be navigated with my own intelligence.

I tell myself:
Trust that for each fragment encountered, life knows what it is doing.
Nothing is ever wasted.
No effort is ever in vain.
Flow with the divine will.
There is nothing to do, but to get out of the way
And let thy be done

Journey into my deepest values

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What I am is ultimately what I value.
As I go deep into my contemplative journey,
To discover my truest and deepest value,
To discover my true original essence,
I am plunged into a catharsis, a purging

I listen to myself deeply,
And ask, what do you love
I go silent and try to feel the answer, the vibration
As I journey into this question
I feel like I’m drawn more and more into an abyss
I am taken away from the world of forms
Into subtle boundless feelings
I’m am unable to go much further for much longer
As my ego pulls my “focus” back on the world of form

The journey within takes me into an abyss, a catatonia, a coma like state, a formless state, a state approaching deep sleep.
A pure boundless/infinite feeling space.
By this I can see, that my love for specific forms has been lost.
What I love/value now, has become much more diffuse and subtle.

And in this alchemical journey,
I feel like my value is vacating this world.
I am being drawn to the ocean depths of my psyche.
The dark deep blue where very little light is present.
I cannot see anything here
I only feel, all is “feeling” here

In this condition, it is clear that the job of my ego now is to let go.
My soul cathexis has vacated its structures,
It therefore no longer has energy to BE.
It is undergoing an organic dissolution
I feel like I’ve entered and ventured so deep into the ocean waters
I have lost my desire for the surface waters

All my attachments pull on me
It is as if your monthly salary is gradually being reduced
And this is straining the edifice of all of my lifestyle
I let go more and more of form
Until there is no-thing
Until there is no-thing left to lose anymore

This brings the transcendent void, infinite diffused feeling focus.
I am now a deep ocean creature and live in a mystical no-thingness subtle space
This state reminds me of sleep, it approaches it.
With more and more relinquishing of attachment I am able to go deeper and deeper.
Trust becomes a major issue, and fears kick in to constantly concentrate my focus energy on my most pressing issues.
I no longer “know” where I am going and am trusting the unknown more and more.
For knowledge is just a crutch we most often cling to to compensate for our lack beliefs, fear beliefs, and mistrust.
I am being swallowed by a force larger than myself and returning.

Energy Fluctuations

The available energy for my ego/agency/power keeps widely varying/fluctuating throughout the day.
It is quite random and unpredictable.
The energy withdrawal at times is so sharp that it sharply nose dives towards emptiness.
When this happens, whatever I still haven’t let go of, gets crushed by the reducing energy.
Imagine, you suddenly receive only 1/10th of your monthly salary. Doesn’t this put a huge crunch on your finances for that month? All your possessions feel like a burden and you may have to sell some stuff, give away stuff, cut corners and somehow get through the month.
This is something like that.
My wildly fluctuating energies, prevent me from holding on to anything.
Because I do not know when I would suddenly lose everything.
Suddenly, I get squeezed like a lemon.
OR
I can say it is like the jaws of the tiger’s mouth suddenly tightening on the ego (the structure I hold on to as me).
So the rajas, tamas, and sattva are quite unpredictable.
As a rule:
I get the insight in the sattvic times, and try to apply the insight method in the tamasic times.
The tamasic times feels like immobilizing encumbrance, burden.
The rajasic times feel like desperation, turmoil and anxiety.
The sattvic times are the times when I feel clear, peace, clarity.
I have to be ever-ready to deal with whatever fluctuation happens.
When the energy rushes in, I feel fear because I don’t know when it might be taken away from me.
When the energy is low, I feel fear it might remain that way for too long.
At both times, the “This too shall pass” creates a fear contraction and tightening in me.
This is like an endless moment to moment surprise adventure.
It reminds me of a part of the navy seal training.
They train you to face unpredictable situations without giving into fear.
The face of the person in training is covered with a black cloth bag.
Now the bag is suddenly removed, and he is made to face some unexpected situation.
It could be 3 people trying to attack him, or something as trivial as someone asking him where the nearest station is.
This energy fluctuation I am going through feels similar.

About me: I am an EXPERIENCE EAGLE

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I am an EXPERIENCE EAGLE.
Its a symbolism, metaphor – to the physical eagle.
The experience eagle wanting freedom to fly to any territory it feels like (across time and space).

Each person and obligations is like me(i.e. the eagle) tied to a certain location in time and space. He cannot fly far away from that place since it has to come back to fulfill the obligations. Certain potentials of experience are not available because they are too far from where he is and he cannot leave his attachments and get there. Like there is an attachment to the ‘potential’ plane of manifestation of existing as a body itself.
This explains his longing for FREEDOM of EXPERIENCE.

So this eagle explores various territories of experiences and does great things in each area that he touches due to his sharp vision. But he cannot hold on to everything. He knows internally he is infinitely capable and potent. But each time, people only judge him based on the narrow criteria that exists – on the exact patch of land he has landed on. The eagle wishes someone would really see who he is and his stature. But nobody on land can see that. For that the eagle would have to fly with another eagle to varied territories and reveal his vision and skills in each area. The irony is that, this eagle is an orphan. His parents are not eagles but rather pure land animals like deers. So the eagle’s parents absolutely don’t understand him. The most humiliating part is, they see him as a deer and not as an eagle at all. That too, an insufficient deer. So the eagle also lives a double life as a deer as a mask to all land animals through his parents training.

But once out of bondage, he secretly flies to all the territories and regions. The eagle longs to be free of this false deer (land animal) self. But however he needs to come to land to fulfill his needs. So the eagle keeps a very touch and go relationship with the land animals and even his own parents. ‘Do what is needed, get needs fulfilled and LEAVE’ is his motto. But in that process, he gets trapped into various kinds of bondages. In case he reduces his relationships drastically with land animals, then, he is left alone in the sky and has to come to the land to fend for himself which is a severe struggle and stress for the eagle.

So much so, he becomes so weak with stress, he cannot even fly. He spends his limited energy mostly on the land, trying to get his needs met, just so that he can fly for a little time in the evening. He wishes he never needed the land at all and simply live in the air and get nourished from light. But he has to accept his needs, both the land needs and the air needs and try to find a way to get both met in a great way.

He wishes there was another eagle to help him out and show him how to live great. Since he is an orphan and since NOBODY else in the whole world is an eagle, he is abjectly alone. His only inspiration is from God itself. The appearance is such that, it is just Him and God. Nobody else ever sees him or understands him the way he really is. Its almost like, he is the ‘son of god’ alone (like Jesus was) with a huge bunch of earthling land creatures and small birds. All his nourishment and all his suffering comes directly from God and there is nobody to buffer his hardships in life. Few comforting relationships happen, but they are let go, because of severe land bondage. How can he live on land, when his true place is in the air? The land animals would never understand because they do not even know what being in the air is like. So they think it is unnecessary and try to get the eagle to fit into their systems which permanently tethers the eagle to fulfilling all kinds of duties on land.