Distillation of insights

‘All is appearance’
‘The unmanifest far transcends all of the manifest’
‘All can change’
‘The real is NOW’
‘Timelines/time are within the NOW’,
‘Yin-yang cycles/alternations/pendulum-swings are happening across all scales’
‘The movement of energy is a mystery and I am that mystery’
‘There is only ‘singular’ being, and this being is being its nature of ‘mystery”
‘Control is an appearance’
‘Free-will is an appearance’
‘Conscious experience is conditioned by a vast subconscious(which can be intuited)’
‘All is one/All is energy/I am THAT energy’
‘There is only experience(inward or outward)’
‘All mental knowledge is through contrast (duality)’
‘There is nothing to fear, because whatever is lost is anyways what one is not’
‘The self and knowledge are memory, but memory is not me but an accumulation’
‘Desire creates and upholds consciousness itself’
‘Desire -> Consciousness[Energy[Mind -> Body]]’
‘Let all of you serve your highest truth’
‘There is no causation, There is only emergence’
‘We are the spontaneous unfolding of karmic potential’
‘We are evolution itself’

Chronic anger develops from Chronic violation


Say you are a child.
And your parents were over-controlling, over-protective, over-bearing, over-intrusive, dominating, smothering, suffocating, over-powering, and infringed on you in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.
Say they imposed tyranny on you, threatened you in all sorts of ways (psychological, mental, physical), played all sorts of emotionally debilitating games, and constantly used guilting and shaming to get you to comply.
Let’s say, whenever you raised resistance they decried it, minimized it, laughed at it, brushed it away, denied it, gas-lighted it (mind-gaming, perception-blaming), performed circular arguments, somehow twisted the blame back to you, guilted you for even raising resistance, mind-gamed you into thinking it was unreasonable and actually your fault, and so on.
Imagine, this was taken a level even further and you were physically beaten into submission as brutally as possible, until you were filled with nothing but fear and terror.
Supposing they opposed your every attempt to individuate yourself or separate yourself from them, and thwarted every such effort on your part.
Say, they always wanted you to be their slave(but they would never admit this), and fit their image, and be exactly the way they want you to be (a clone of them or living up to their ideal/role/expectation), and always be under their control.
Now, let’s add to the suffering. Supposing you had a sibling whose only mission in life was to compete with you and actively and violently suppress all of your expression and minimize everything that you can possibly do.
Would this not be an EXTRAORDINARY hostile environment for you to grow up in?
Would not your life purpose become just about emerging from all these hostile forces and gain the most basic of freedom and liberty?

When a child is faced with this sort of debilitating, imprisoning, torturous, blind, abusive, crippling, stifling, controlling, maddening, and disabling environment, he shrinks in terror and seals oneself off from relationship (killing off the possibility of love).
In this heart of darkness (like a dark prison cell with a window), the child looks out at the world from the grilled window.
This dark cell the child creates is the protective cover of the heart against this level of assault and it permanently seals off many many possibilities of relationship with the world.
The dark cell always serves as a reminder and houses all the traumatic memory in its very walls.
Every time these situations were faced, tremendous rage and anger was aroused, as a protective system against the assault, but no amount of rage could do anything to stop it.
The child is absolutely powerless and helpless no matter HOW HARD he tries.
This sends him into a deep despair.
Should he fight to live? OR should he dissociate and just let himself die?
If the former option is chosen:
A super high degree of rage becomes the default mode of being because there is always a background of infinite threat against which one has to defend and fight.
An “extreme fear and defense/attack” disposition becomes the default against an infinitely threatening environment and others.
Life itself is then perceived as an ‘extremely hostile other’ that is out to destroy the child against which the child is woefully under-powered to fight.
This takes on archetypal/mythical levels of reality penetration, and thereafter the child will live his whole life in background FEAR AND TERROR – and live in a state of being ever-ready to violently fight at the most primitive levels.
The default mode of perception is of SUPERLATIVE THREAT and SUPERLATIVE DEFENSE.
The ATTACK is nothing but Pre-emptive defense.
Defense is the first goal and attack is from the hope of destroying the threat so that one can do away with the NEED AND PREOCCUPATION AND FEAR about defending.
This leads to compulsive power seeking which can take on multifarious forms such as – physical domination, emotional domination, intellectual domination, social power and status seeking, and so on.
If the latter option of death is chosen:
It could also take on the reverse side of seeking to submit/surrender/give up/self-abnegate/die because that also ends the conflict.
Both the choices of:
Extreme fight ——————- Extreme surrender
They both look like opposites, but the unity in them is that, both endeavor to END conflict, and “suffering” is always from conflict.
The child may alternate too between the 2 options:
Rage at one time —————– Feel depressed and empty at another
Ultimately, the more the child deeply sees and looks into the matter, a lot of dross falls away, and it leads to singular truth seeking.
What is the truth of existence? Why is it so hostile to me? Am I guilty of something? How am I to ever emerge from this hellish circumstance? How can I heal this? Should I fight to live or just resign and die?
This kind of metaphysical preoccupation plagues the child’s mind.
He can never invest in anything like ordinary people do, because his heart carries all the frightening memories of evil that keep voiding all investments apart from temporary reprieves.
This may also take on a morbid obsession and a PTSD like repeating of the torturous memory like a constant repeating playback in the mind, in an attempt to somehow assimilate the experience memories.
Or the child when grown up may keep having a tendency to gravitate towards those very same super hostile circumstances, in an attempt to go beyond them.
He may obsessively seek self-improvement, self-empowering, or self-transcendence.

In this situation, I see no way out apart from taking apart that dark prison cell of the heart brick by brick, and developing more and more courage to see/accept/transcend what’s behind each brick.
That is the singular life purpose for such a child.

Consciousness – luminance and focus

Luminance variable:
Range: bright ———– dark
Focus variable:
Range: total chaos ———– total focus

Here are some examples of different states.

Brightest consciousness (left = total chaos, right = total focus)


Dull consciousness (left = total chaos, right = total focus)


Average consciousness (medium brightness) (left = partial chaos, right = total focus)
This illustrates a case, where there is partial chaos in consciousness.
Here, like multiple tv signals overlapping along with a background noise, one perceives many frames of reality simultaneously and weakly.

average chaos clear

Desire transcends consciousness itself

Desire is what makes something real.
Desire is what imbues reality to that which we desire.
Desire is the soul.
Desire is what makes us conscious at all.
With the fading of desire, consciousness fades too.
Desire for the world is what makes the world real.
Once desire for the world fades, the previously real world fades into illusion.
It is exactly like how the desire for the movie makes the movie real.
The minute you lose all interest in the movie, the movie is just a light-show, an illusion, and you find yourself back in the theater seat.

Desire = Interest = Investment
Your desire is what gives reality to the world and its objects, to this physical reality, and even to the mental reality.
The ‘world’ is an object in your consciousness.
Desire -> Consciousness[Mind -> Body and World]
Mind is the object of consciousness.
And the body and world are objects of the mind.
Your mental interest makes the body and world come alive.
Lose desire, and you return to the infinite unborn unmanifest emptiness.
Desire is the ‘reality giver’ to all of the manifest in all its forms.
Our desire gives life to the entire world and all its beings.

Purification of the 7 chakras


Imagine a 7 cylinder engine (the analogy is not exact but it’s close).
If I want to get the maximum throughput from the engine, all the pistons must move completely through their full range of motion along their columns right?
Similarly, to optimally use cosmic energy, don’t our 7 chakras similarly need to work in their full capacity?
How do we clear/purify all our chakras so that they can work in their full capacity?
So I thought about this, and I felt – Just like we have the lung breath, don’t we also find a similar pattern in our other chakra functions too?
So I created a hypothesis for cleansing all the chakras.

Breath cycles for each “energy type”:

7C = energy of transcendence
Be completely focused on the transcendent/beyond -> Be completely focused on the world/known

6C = energy of consciousness
Be completely conscious when awake -> Be completely unconscious when asleep

5C = energy of expression/clarity
Talk/Write/Express fully -> Go into total silence fully

4C = energy of air/interest
Breathe in fully -> Breathe out fully

3C = energy of fire[food-to-energy transformation]
Eat fully -> Assimilate fully -> Eliminate fully

2C = energy of sexuality/emotions/energy of water
Arouse fully -> orgasm peak fully -> Relax fully
Drink water fully -> eliminate water fully

1C = energy of physical
Fully work out physical body -> fully relax physical body
(Move every muscle in the body during the work out.
Flex and relax every muscle in the body fully)

Can you imagine the power of god?


Fear exists.
Fear is a protective system.
Protection from what?
Protection from destruction of what I believe is ‘me’.
And what is this ‘me’ that needs protection?
And Protection from what? Life itself?
So life itself looks like an enemy because it threatens ‘me’.
That means the very existence of me itself is anti-life energy to a great extent.

This ‘me’ is the limiter of life energy itself -> and I am afraid life will go beyond these limits -> which would then not serve the preservation or expansion of me.
So then I am terrified of an infinite unlimited power.
Let’s call that god.
Because what would prevent it from breaking my structure?
The energy of life being finer than us fears nothing we know, it is no-thing, and extremely finely structured.

Like quarks are not afraid of an atom bomb.
Because the atom bomb can do nothing to the structure of the quark.
But every other gross structure is terrified of the power of the atom bomb.
Isn’t the fear of god exactly that?
I stand as a mortal structure with the knowledge that I am going to die and I don’t know when and how, and I do not even know what lies beyond?
Would that not put me in the PERMANENT state of anxiety and fear?
How can I know what lies ahead?
Is there any way of knowing apart from BEING THAT?

Imagine you met a trans-dimensional alien, who could materialize in a physical form or de-materialize and occupy a frequency spectrum subtler and beyond our perception. How would you react to this?
How long would it take for the alien to decimate your entire structure, or how long would it take for the alien to exalt you into perfect health?
OR Lets imagine a bunch of nano-bots.
Imagine if these were not bots, but some kind of extraterrestrial nano being forms.
Well the range of actions they could perform on you could be anything from:
Atomic bomb like decimation of you [Destruction] ———OR——— They could make you into the finest imaginable sculpture of a structure [Exaltation]
All these analogies are to point at the power of god.
Could you think of more such possibilities?

What relationship would “I” have to the infinitely subtle power?
Well that depends on how life has treated me so far, right?
What if I’ve had assault after assault of diseases after diseases with no cure and I am suffering in isolation and despair, desperately trying to just live the barest life possible, how would I then feel about the power of god?
Compare this to another person, who has lived the usual formula, some good times, few bad times, well settled and integrated into society and its games. What would be his conception and position towards the power of god?
Would it not be much more favorable than what I might assume god is?
Is god merciful? Is god wrathful? Why should it be one or the other?
Can our minds conceive of a god who is all the worst qualities and all the best qualities at the same time?
Isn’t that a brain fry?
An impossible contradiction to hold in the linear one-at-a-time instrument the mind is?

God’s actions in time can evoke:
Negative anticipation (dread/despair/terror/fear) —————————— Positive anticipation (what is usually celebrated as faith/devotion/love)
There is a profound unknowing here.
How can we ever know the infinite?
Only the finite can be known, isn’t it?

We assume we somewhat know, judging by our past memories and life experience, but could it not be that life has just been too easy on us?
The giant is playing gentle?
But what would prevent the giant from getting explosively violent and tearing us apart?
Doesn’t that duality exist in the potentials of the giant?
And why should we assume the creator loves us and wants to keep us in the utmost possible condition of well-being?
Maybe it wants to make us suffer like dogs?
OR conversely, why does the creator not completely exalt us?
Why are we kept in this ‘weird’, ‘odd’, ‘absurd’, and ‘confusing’ condition?
To assume it is one or the other(love or destruction) is to limit the creator’s power isn’t it?
I mean it could hate us as much as it loves us right?
Could it be both simultaneously? The creator hates us and loves us, and somewhere inbetween if the love is greater than hate our life moves forward?
Because to assume only love, is to deny the entirety of the dark side.
If it is all love then what is the dark side then? NOT GOD? SOMETHING ELSE?
How can that be?
Most people I see are believing their ‘concept of god’ as god, a limited conception which looks like ‘infinite denial’ to me.
What is INFINITE potential? (contemplation)
It could be ANYTHING from: Abject terror ——to——– Greatest love?
The most horrific devil imaginable ——-to——— The most loving angelic being?
Both ARE god?
So god could take any potential among infinite ones or be all of it simultaneously?

The world is deterministic, with all its physical laws etc, like a fixed structure that looks promising like it can be mastered.
But I feel that is because the god giant is 95% asleep.
Imagine if god wakes up to its infinite power, would it not end this world as instantly as how your dream abruptly ends when you are jolted awake in the morning?
The god giant appears to take this puny form of a deterministic world filled with laws/structures etc.
But seriously can we get truly one up on this?
Aren’t we still under god’s mercy, who has taken this puny strange limited absurd form in the form of this world and its creatures?
Do we know the power of god?

And in all my statements above, there was an inherent duality implied of me/we being separate from god.
Let me open up a prospect even more terrifying.
What if you are god?
And what if you are pretending to be THIS?
Would you let go into your infinite power?
How much will you let go?
Can you imagine the price of this disillusionment?
Can you imagine the obliteration of every single knowledge/idea/limitation you hold on to right now?
Would you stay in this body/world contraption even for an instant if you realize your infinite power?

If I am god and if I am everything then:
I am terrified of my own power.
I am terrified of my true potential.
I am terrified of my own wrathfulness.
I am terrified of my own madness.
I am terrified of my destructiveness.
I am terrified of the intensity of my love too.
I am terrified of my extreme pleasure potentials too.
It is so much easier being this poor little me afraid of god/others, than to face my true power.
I see the way to higher consciousness as facing and walking through the ‘terror of unknowing’.

States of consciousness vs. movement(happening)


Today I met my cousin after a long time, and the conversation we had seamlessly flowed from topic to topic on auto-pilot.
I was barely conscious in the whole of the conversation that transpired, it just flowed spontaneously and I was dimly witnessing the happening with very little control or consciousness of it.
These kinds of dissociated blank states happen a lot to me, esp. when I am engaged in a conversation.
Suddenly I lose consciousness of the entire context, and I feel like my memory is wiping out and refreshing every second as I speak.
Like to keep writing on water and watching your writing disappear spontaneously as you write, but yet keep writing without any plan or consciousness of the goal or context.
This always puzzled me, this state of consciousness that is.
Later after the 3 hour conversation, I wrote down everything I chatted about and it seemed to make sense in retrospect.
I felt the urge to run through the whole conversation in my mind and correctly contextualize the whole thing into my memory framework.
I often do this and resolve incomplete memories by retrospective analysis.

So I wanted to create a map for these kinds of experiences of dissociation and a loss of consciousness.
Generally when we lose consciousness, we assume we will just faint and fall down.
But this is not necessarily the case.
There are a lot of cases where our consciousness goes dim but yet that does not stop interactions and movement from happening.
Take the case, when you are crazy drunk, so drunk that the pyramidal cells in the brain are stopped from encoding to long term memory. In that situation, you move, talk, laugh, have a lot of emotions and conversations, but it is all spontaneous without any ego presence.
These are times, where things happen, but your story-making/contextualizing apparatus is offline.
The most scary version of this might be the date-rape drug or datura, which causes you to lose all will power and simply comply blindly.

I have had these experiences happen even on weed, when there is total absorption into music, so much, that when the song ends, you forget that you even heard a song and it feels like the song lasted an eternity.
Another example of this would be skydiving – that one minute fall was so immersive, my ego/contextualizing/story-making apparatus went offline during the 1 minute fall. So the fall felt like just a few moments vs. a full 60 seconds.

These experiences have always disturbed my ego/central narrative making/story making apparatus.
These events represented holes in my ego control.
Generally prospecting the future requires holding a lot in memory, we prospect the future from this memory base.
For instance if you are playing chess, to decide your next move and plan/strategize requires you to use a lot of your memory.
Imagine if you looked at the position of one chessboard piece, and then as you moved your eyes to look at the next piece, you forgot the position of your first piece, how would you ever strategize how to make the next move?
It takes an incredible amount of working memory to play.

Earlier when I had a strong ego narrative going, all my actions were much more top-down.
In the sense all my actions would be mainly determined by my central practices and goals.
Nowadays, that central narrative has thinned out so much, I find myself in a chaos, a state much closer to a incoherent dream, with various snippets of coherent meanings arising and passing with no central unifier.

So nowadays, events happen by themselves with little consciousness from my side, and then I reflect and write about it later on – extracting insights, weaving the story thread and so on.

Now coming to the abstract part:
There is either a shortage of consciousness or an excess of it relative to movement/happening.
Here are some interesting spectrums to consider:
Unconscious doing, doing > consciousness ————– Conscious doing, doing < consciousness
Happening without consciousness —————— Happening with consciousness
Little happening, high consciousness —————- Lot happening, high consciousness
Little happening, little consciousness ————— Lot happening, little consciousness
The prospect that there can be happening without my consciousness is terrifying for me.
But consciousness is just the tip of the iceberg.
Most of happening is infact unconscious, an enormous amount.

Another interesting connection is between will-power and memory.
The lowering of memory (holding on) fades away will-power in equal measure.
The self/ego is memory. And will power is a function of this.
So memory is the key stone here.
Remove memory and all vanishes.