Reflections on my life experience now


I am not able to understand anything totally.
All my ‘intellectual grasps’ are like views from high points of different waves arising in the ocean.
What is the ocean itself?
The more I inquire I see that I am not perception at all.
I am deep sleep itself, the cessation, the void, the unmanifest, from which manifest-conscious arises like a wave and passes back.

This is a time in my life where the ocean does not have any 1 continuous wave, but rather has 100s of waves arising and passing.
Each time, my “perception” arises out of the wave, as a relationship between the wave and the ocean, and then returns to the ocean in deep sleep again.
The ocean is the true fount of my creativity, it creates waves of creative-impulse/inspiration that rise up as manifest-consciousness and after that return to the unmanifest.
The wave is a new creative thought/form/relationship/connection/theme/frame/theory/idea/insight.

It seems like perception and separation are connected because perception is always a relationship.
No relationship = ONE = Union = No perception = A void.

I see a continuous BIPOLAR state in me:
Wildly and quickly oscillating, waxing-waning, coming-going, rising-falling, empowering-disempowering, bright-dark, energetic-dull, free-afflicted.
This strong cycling of dualities makes visible the emptiness and non-essence of all of it.
I am neither depressed nor happy, neither free nor afflicted, neither interested nor bored.
Each is a state of consciousness, a state of the wave’s relationship to the ocean.
When the ocean emits the wave = it creates the positive emotion from the wave’s point of view.
When the ocean pulls back the wave = it create the negative emotion from the wave’s point of view.

Essentially, it is the attachment to the ‘States of consciousness (SOCs)’ that is being tested.
The attachment results in [pleasure+fear] in the rise cycle, and [pain+longing] in the fall cycle.
I realize that my desire is for the WAVE itself and its point of view vs. flatlining into the ocean.
The waves/cycles have also been intense and narrow for me, which causes a mild psychosis like feeling.
The intense creative activity of mine is showing that I am operating very close to ocean.
That is why there is the constant alternation between the ‘end of me’ and the ‘me arising each time differently from a new inspiration’.
I have not had any continuous long-range inspiration at this stage of life nor in this life in general.

We move away from god/unmanifest in an inbreath – wave rising.
We move towards god/unmanifest in an outbreath – wave falling.
My life experience now is more like a series of short-waves, flutter breaths (rapid extremely shallow in-out breaths).
It is like like living 1000s of lives in one life, in very rapid cycles.

I realize my attachments are much more abstract than I thought.
I cling to the peaks of the cycle, and try to increase its dynamic range, i.e. I try to make the lights brighter, and the darks darker.
Each arising wave is like an upsurge of inspiration that separates me from the ocean and allows separation/perception/consciousness/relationship, which is what I desire.
This is my WILL to be, my WILL to exist, my WILL to rise and live as a wave.
So I then try to hold on to these inspirations as far as possible.
This is why there is this continuous clinging present.

It is like living a new character in a new movie everyday, and each time you continuously cling to the movie, because you do not want it to end.
It is like struggling to be born, because various desires push our a wave of birth/inspiration, but they only last a day at most and return to the ocean.

A quick attempt to create a model of reality

A quick Model/Ontology of reality from my direct experience:
(I have added references to some kabbalah terms, physical universe analogues)

1 – Unmanifest/ONE (Ain Sof) – 7D

#### FORM/MANIFEST/RELATIVE #### (yin yang, double helix dna)(universe)(Worlds of: Briah, Yetzirah, Malkuth)

2. SOUL REALM (Galaxy super cluster)(Kether/Platonic forms realm) – 6.3D
[Larger context = soul family/galaxy cluster] (6.2D specific family of souls)
Heart/Soul/Desire = Specified Soul DNA(galaxy) = Many lives as many beings context (6.1D specific)
Trans-human archetypes/symbology/mythology/hieroglyphs/motifs/artifacts/codes

Human Creature Biological DNA [larger context: creature family] = incarnation context – 5D specific
Human archetypes/symbology/mythology/hieroglyphs/motifs/artifacts/codes

Socio-cultural-civilizational-locational DNA – 4D
Specific cultural context where creature is born – 4D specific

Specific internalization of family/enculturation/societal conditioning/civilization codes – 3D specific

6. PERSONAS [Masks/Presentations] – 2D
Chosen mask – 2d specific

7. The immediate chosen persona interaction possibility space – 1D
The actual interaction option chosen and happening = 1D specific

God is ‘consciousness’

The plato’s world of forms are the forms of essences.
They are all present in different degrees in different people.
Everyone is innocent and unfolding their karmic potential and destiny.
They are actually god(field) playing and living as those various forms.
All forms are god and this is seen when the form dissolves.
All the people you ever met, and all of this physical world, is nothing but god’s form.
When somebody dies what happens? What is left is ashes and memories.
The person that was thought to be real, was all a play of form and it vanishes into the formless, is sucked back into the ocean of the unmanifest and the ashes return to earth.
Everything ultimately lives on inside you until you understand the truth.
There is only god, all else is an appearance.

God is the field, the infinite potential field, that MANIFESTS like THIS.
Everything that appears in this field of consciousness is god.
Everyone is a symptom of the ONE, the props of the play of the ONE.
The afraid contracting self in a world of hostile others is also the illusion and play.
Only the play is real, no character really exists, and even I do not exist.
And even the play isn’t real, only the field is real.
The field of the unmanifest, i.e. of infinite unborn potential.
All form is birthed in this field, and death is when the form returns to the field.
But the objects are no more real, than images on your computer screen.
Only the screen is real.
(consciousness is the only real entity – god is consciousness – there are no OBJECTS independent of your consciousness – all objects are made of consciousness itself – no object IS conscious or independent of your consciousness, rather, all objects ARE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS)

Neither is the movie real (experience is not real)
Neither are the characters in the movie real (people and other creatures are not real)
Neither are the situations in the movie real
[The infinite unborn unmanifest potential + current appearance/manifest] = THAT SUBSTANCE -> IS GOD/Ultimate

Realize your source and live from there

My ego is mostly about – detect threat -> ward off threat
If there is no immediate threat around me, I try to foresee threats and start preparing for them.
What is fear?
Fear of being attacked.
The anticipation of being attacked.
Now I fear everyone and everything.
This fear forms the bricks of my heart prison.
As I remove each brick, I see each corresponding fear.
And I can see huge common clouds of increasing size.
Which means all these fears are coming from a “common large archetypal threat” whose class spawns the “individual instances of people/insects/situations” whatever they may be.
There is a hierarchy I perceive here too – from literal to the abstract.
Archetype is the class -> whose influence is carried by the beings who serve as its agents.
So I feel and make friends with the archetype itself or ask for forgiveness/contemplate on it, and live through whatever message that has for me, and I feel that dissolves the nexus of the multifarious threats coming from it.

All resolutions happen in the deep archetypal realms I feel.
The general context of our lives only reflects the larger puppeteers’ actions of moving the strings of the many characters and situations.
Fear and control go together.
Someone can control you, only once they install fear in you.
I thought – Create the correct environment in your psyche, use the correct deterrents and defenses to repel all parasitic beings.
Just like how one can keep one’s backyard clean – avoid wasp nests etc. – by planting repelling plants, coating with soap water solutions, and adding decoys, and so on.
Let the predator go about his business and leave you alone to do yours.
I think the purpose of the predator from my pov is to learn to transcend and protect myself from it – it’s a game.
Add beautiful repellents in your backyard (metaphor) -> and when there is a will there is a way -> there are so many things waiting for me to adopt them and cleanse myself of all the predators inside -> be it subtle ones like viruses in my gut and body, or overt ones like painful people around me.

I however see another issue, that my action will simply send the predator to someone else.
So should I be the great one, and withstand the predator, to save someone else?
That doesnt make sense in the larger picture – that looks like martyrdom, and it doesnt serve anything.
Others are tough enough, the creator upholds them, not me.
I am not responsible for protecting others from the TRUTH – that the world has both light and dark forces, and creation and destruction forces.
Such a protection harms them rather than help them.
They are going to live in dependence and fear anyway.
My responsibility is to affix myself with my own oxygen mask first.
This will allow me to overflow with power.
Then I can stand as an example as to how to be stand on your own feet, with vitality, with your own strength and knowledge, having conquered all your parasites/shadows/destructive, impairing, disabling, fears, and forces.
My service is my living example and exposition to others.
My being and commitment to abide with god/truth is my service.

Now there are some philosophical questions here.
Is the predator bad? —————- Is the exterminator bad?
Is the virus bad? ——————- Is the anti-virus bad?
Is action bad? ———————- Is re-action bad?
Is attack bad? ———————- Is defense bad?
This is like the chicken and egg problem.
It is cyclic.
What comes first?
Because the issue is that -> If I take the position of the “predator/virus/action/attack” -> It sees the opposite force “exterminator/anti-virus/re-action/defense” as the enemy.
If I take the position of the self-sufficient one -> then the enemy is these parasites who live dependent lives by hunting/attacking others.
So it is war of forces of desire/force.
Light desires/forces ———– Dark desires/forces
The linearity is only in the mind’s conception, in reality it all happens now instantaneously.
We have to take a position that transcends morality.
Because in the duality there are both:
life enhancing forces/intrinsic power ——— life diminishing forces/parasitic power
First I have to realize my own polarization.
I definitely identify and feel intrinsic life enhancement as the core in me.
All actions that I do, serve this.
So my task is to simply be more of my own true desire and let all my actions reflect who I am.
In other words, I “BE” THE CHARACTER I am meant to be and play the “God’s will role” fully.

Every fear is a call to toughen up/see/understand/conquer/master.
Develop and nurture your force until it rises above everything.
The enneagrams, myers briggs type, archetype identification, numerology, astrology – star signs etc. all serve in finding your source/power in the field.
These maps may initially serve as a guide to orient and triangulate your true position.
One has to FEEL one’s way through resonance.
RESONANCE is the compass.
It is all in FEELING your way through.
Each person’s “source/home position” is different, and that source position is their source of spirit.
When operating from there you are operating from what the creator intended you to be vs. this strange disconnected ego pov we find ourselves as which feeds from the source from afar, like faint moonlight.
Move towards your source, and journey into the dark night until you find it.
Find the “infinite power point” within yourself and then live from there as an example to show ‘WHAT POSSIBILITY EXISTS for each person”.

I want to be in alignment with the highest truth/highest will/highest vision/highest context – call it truth/love/god etc. that is secondary to me.
I want to dissolve all creation and BE the unmanifest/the highest solvent and live from there in absolute freedom.
Find the sun within you, and live from there.