Musings on the dark night of the soul

dreamyskyline

The dark night of the soul,
Is when you become aware,
Of the underlying void,
Of the underlying darkness,
Of the underlying invisible space,
The silent invisible unknown unseen wind,
Beneath the wings of creation,
And drawn to that.

Like being drawn to the bed of the ocean,
From the waves in its surface,
Moving into the obscurity, unknown, and aloneness,
To find the ground of being and life.
A dark rapture of surrendering,
And letting yourself sink,
And going through the sadness,
Of disappearing/vacating the world you know.

Everything fades to the distance,
Sights and sounds become faint,
A cocktail of sublime emotions well up,
Nostalgia, sadness, clarity, and reflection.
As you descend to the cave of your own heart.
Like the feeling one has,
When journeying back home from an adventure.
The play of form and light departs and fades,
As you sink into obscurity, mystery, and devotion.

It feels like seeing a city skyline at night,
Standing afar on the other side of the shore.
Watching the shimmer and twinkling city lights.
As you walk away, you keep looking back,
And watching the lights recede, shrink, and fade.
And you willingly enter the darkness.
The uncreated, formless, unmanifest,
Into mystery, obscurity, and innocence,
Following the longing to return,
To the ineffable unknown that is the source of life.

The feeling of living in a well

I feel like I’ve fallen into a well,
And it is so much effort to shout and reach out to anyone or even anything,
And no one bothers to even peep in,
Nor are they even remotely interested in knowing where I am.

Like I’m ostracized, exiled, banished, outcast.
Like I’m dying, receding, fading, falling off the radar, falling off the map, falling off everything that is known.
Hope is wilting and dying, as I fall further into the well with every passing day.
More and more contact with the outside is relinquished because of the phenomenal effort it takes to maintain it from 200 ft under.
I have to scream at the top of my voice to be faintly heard outside, and the beings outside only hear my words, not me, so I am basically abjectly alone.
Never will be seen, never will be fully heard.
There is the crushing weight of despair, but hope pushes me to reach out with great resistance, only to get a few bread crumbs of outside engagement (obtained with disproportionate effort), and then I fall back into the darkness again.

There seems no way out of this well,
and I only fall deeper and deeper into it,
moving farther and farther away from contact with the land.

My whole life has been this way.
I could never achieve anything more than a superficial fleeting intermittent connection with the world/outside.
I have always lived in a well, in the cave of wonders, in the interior castles, in the dungeons of my subconscious, in the underside of the iceberg of humanity.
Except for occasional short bursts of outer engagement which have exponentially reduced with age.
I am in the unknown, in the mystery, living it everyday,
While every other I see appears to be far far away.

Fractal soul visions

Linear time is within a certain frame of reference staying constant.
Beyond linear time is circular time.
And beyond circular time are eternal higher dimensional realities etc.
It gets more and more abstract.

Sometimes when our visions get abstract enough we can see abstract gestalts/patterns repeating again and again like time running through a mobius strip.

For me, the common themes I wrestle with are between:
– Being and Non-being
– Becoming and Unbecoming
– Ground and Groundlessness
– Knowing and Unknowing
– Striving and Surrender
– Linear time and Non-linear time
– Attainment and Non-attainment
– Order and Chaos
– Enlightenment and Non-enlightenment
– Home and travel
– Knowledge and Innocence
– Reality and Illusion

I can explain some of these things with poetic visions.
Here are some of them below:

Vision 1:

abyssedge

I have 2 choices, stay with what I know (what is in my hand) or the other choice is to jump into an unknown abyss.
I am detached from what I have and so at times I get the courage and jump into the abyss.
Now imagine you fall and fall through the unknown but there is no ground and you land up again at a similar place where you were standing before and again there is the same choice – stick to what is in hand(known) or just into the abyss(unknown).
Again this repeats, I work on letting go of the known in hand and get the courage and jump, and this repeats again and again.
This is the play between knowing and unknowing
It is the play between ground and groundlessness

Vision 2:

dream

Imagine you are in a dream and you are trying to wake up, but every time you think you have woken up you later realize you have still been dreaming. And so you try to wake up again, and once again think you have woken up, only to realize soon after that you are still dreaming and have to work again to wake up.
This is the play between reality and illusion

Vision 3:

sandsculpture

I build myself up like a sand structure from the chaos of possibility of the sand on the ground.
I feel I have attained knowledge and being, but soon it falls back to the ground.
Then again I get inspired, and I build another structure, work on it and reach a milestone, only for it to go back to the ground again.
This is like a looping struggle to BE something and not fall back to non-being.
This can be seen as the play of order vs. chaos.
This can also be seen as the play of attainment vs. non-attainment.
It is also the play between becoming and unbecoming.

Vision 4:

Home

Imagine whenever you settled in a place, buy some things, make yourself a home there and create security for yourself, you feel its time to move. You have to move and leave everything behind, go through the grief, and do a similar settlement in your next spot, only for you to again get the impulse to move and do it again.
This is the play between home and travel.

Vision 5:

watchingmovie

Imagine you are sitting in a theater seat and watching a movie, and you go through the story with the hero suffering gains and losses. Suddenly you feel it is getting too much and you want to snap out of it and you come back to your theater seat. You realize that you were always in that seat, nothing has really changed, and the whole movie was an illusion. But then shortly after coming back to the theater seat and disillusioning yourself, you see something else interesting in the screen that once again enchants you, and you start to gain knowledge from investment. And this happens again and again.
This is the play between alternating enlightenment and non-enlightenment
This is the play between alternating knowledge and innocence.

 

Journey into my deepest values

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What I am is ultimately what I value.
As I go deep into my contemplative journey,
To discover my truest and deepest value,
To discover my true original essence,
I am plunged into a catharsis, a purging

I listen to myself deeply,
And ask, what do you love
I go silent and try to feel the answer, the vibration
As I journey into this question
I feel like I’m drawn more and more into an abyss
I am taken away from the world of forms
Into subtle boundless feelings
I’m am unable to go much further for much longer
As my ego pulls my “focus” back on the world of form

The journey within takes me into an abyss, a catatonia, a coma like state, a formless state, a state approaching deep sleep.
A pure boundless/infinite feeling space.
By this I can see, that my love for specific forms has been lost.
What I love/value now, has become much more diffuse and subtle.

And in this alchemical journey,
I feel like my value is vacating this world.
I am being drawn to the ocean depths of my psyche.
The dark deep blue where very little light is present.
I cannot see anything here
I only feel, all is “feeling” here

In this condition, it is clear that the job of my ego now is to let go.
My soul cathexis has vacated its structures,
It therefore no longer has energy to BE.
It is undergoing an organic dissolution
I feel like I’ve entered and ventured so deep into the ocean waters
I have lost my desire for the surface waters

All my attachments pull on me
It is as if your monthly salary is gradually being reduced
And this is straining the edifice of all of my lifestyle
I let go more and more of form
Until there is no-thing
Until there is no-thing left to lose anymore

This brings the transcendent void, infinite diffused feeling focus.
I am now a deep ocean creature and live in a mystical no-thingness subtle space
This state reminds me of sleep, it approaches it.
With more and more relinquishing of attachment I am able to go deeper and deeper.
Trust becomes a major issue, and fears kick in to constantly concentrate my focus energy on my most pressing issues.
I no longer “know” where I am going and am trusting the unknown more and more.
For knowledge is just a crutch we most often cling to to compensate for our lack beliefs, fear beliefs, and mistrust.
I am being swallowed by a force larger than myself and returning.