Tag: Time

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Awakening to the Acid of Time

For years I thought I was investigating my own suffering.
Eventually the inquiry turned inside out.
What appeared to be a personal story increasingly revealed itself as an inquiry into time itself.

I repeatedly noticed:
– Growth without arrival.
– Development without consolidation.
– Expansion without stabilization.
Something is always trying to come into existence,
But none of it ever arrives.

Yet interestingly, many of those cycles actually completed.
The inquiry finished.
The energy moved on.
Thousands of things completed successfully but left no residue of identity behind.
There was nothing left to do in those matters.
The result was a cemetery of unrealized but completed trajectories.
Not failed lives.
Completed cycles that never accumulated into a larger structure.

The more things changed, the harder it became to locate the carrier of continuity.
Am I the one who lived through all of that, or merely the result of all of that?
Then the inquiry shifted from self to time.
Time is not waiting to destroy things.
The destruction is already happening.
Every form is being rewritten in real time.
Self/identity/society/civilization/star/thought = are all floating in the same current.

At first it seemed time was against me.
Then it became clear that time is against everything.
A universal acid.
A total devourer of forms.
Yet the devourer itself is formless.
It is nothing, yet it devours everything.
I looked for refuge.
But Identity was inside time.
Meaning was inside time.
Spirituality was inside time.
Humanity was inside time.
Every Russian doll was floating in the same corrosive river.
The shells never escaped the acid.
They merely obscured it.

Over time the shells became increasingly transparent.
Creation and destruction ceased to appear as opposites.
The moment something emerges, it is already dissolving.
The moment something dissolves, it is simultaneously expressing itself.
Creation/destruction = two views of one movement.
Creator/destroyer/mover/process/thing = all felt too narrow.

Why does awakening feel like burning?
Because every layer that claimed independent existence is gradually revealed as another floating shell.
The suffering is not learning a fact.
The suffering is the revelation.
The burn is the progressive transparency of structures that once appeared solid.
The burn is seeing that no form ever finally arrives.
The burn is seeing that nothing can ultimately be possessed.
The burn is seeing that everything is already being carried.
River/acid/void/devourer/creator/dissolver = different names, but same mystery.

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Time provides the dream of life

The mountain doesn’t create wonder.
The wonder discovers a mountain.
The city doesn’t create excitement.
The excitement discovers a city.
The relationship doesn’t create longing.
The longing discovers a relationship.

Time is carrying an entire dream-pattern through successive forms.
Time is not something inside the dream.
Time is the dreaming itself.
The world is time appearing as space.
What appears as “my life” is largely the recognition of that pattern unfolding through countless changing scenes.

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Challenging the 3 assumptions

The assumption of total choice.
I can do anything.
No. The possibility-space is already constrained.

The assumption of total knowledge.
I can know the whole situation.
No. Only a local region is visible.

Then the assumption of total authorship.
I am the sole creator of my trajectory.
No. The trajectory emerges from vast conditions beyond the visible field.

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Time moving north or south

When time moves north, reality produces:
curiosity,
surprise,
color,
fascination,
emergence.

When time moves south, reality produces:
repetition,
contraction,
predictability,
maintenance,
exhaustion.

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The way I view experience

Here is how I map the engine of my existence.
There is only the fire (intelligence field) of awareness -> burning up the seeds -> into experience passing as episodes in time.
It is like an endless train ride.

The only kriya happening all the time is = samskhara dhahana kriya (seed burning action).
The seeds are the imposition on experience.
Liberation is from the burning of the seeds.
Prarabdha is maybe like the allotment of seeds for this lifetime.
Seeds are scheduled for burn at different times.
So each time period engages certain seeds and not others, carrying them through their fruition and exhaustion.
Desire is what connects your awareness to the world via the body/mind instruments.
Enough desire is needed to have enough current flow through the body-mind for their well-being (maintaining the base voltage for function).

Experience is not primarily for acquisition.
It is the exhaust of combustion.
The world, then, is not a field of gaining, but a field of incineration.
Samskara dhahana is thus the only continuous kriya = “The only kriya happening all the time is seed burning”
Prarabdha karma can be seen as “a release schedule of latent impressions into the fire”.
Time itself = the unfolding queue of combustible material, as batch processing of seeds.
“Desire connects awareness to the world via body-mind”
“Enough desire is needed to maintain base voltage”
Burning seeds = removing the structuring overlays that give experience its particular geometry.

So in summary:
Everything is just seeds burning automatically,
Prarabdha schedules the burn,
Awareness is just the fire,
The fire is also self-liberating intelligence.

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The ‘prison of time’ document

I used ChatGPT to condense the discussion into a set of bullet points.

Time Prison — Constraints Condensed:
Irreversibility
No undo, no rewind, no trial runs. Every moment binds.
Birth / Non-consensual contracts
Body, species, genome, culture, family, language, historical moment, lifespan.
Accumulation / One-way function
Memory, trauma, obligations, roles, property, reputation, narrative inertia.
Future-time pre-occupation
Biological decay, parental care, death logistics, inheritance, family scripts, social expectations.
Retroactive legitimation by duration
Endurance = consent, survival = endorsement, continuity = justification.
Biological closures
Childhood gone, neuroplasticity decline, vitality decay, hormonal windows close, cognition slows, death inevitable.
Psychological binding
Memory + anticipation loops → regret, dread, narrative persistence, identity persistence.
Social roles and expectations
Time-indexed identities, societal “deadlines,” lagging recognition, role freezing.
Economic/dependency chains
Pre-claimed future labor (rent, property, savings), dependency obligations, accumulation requirements.
Symbolic / destiny / predictive time
Astrology, narratives, cultural scripts occupy imagination and foreclose possibilities.
Absolute endpoint: Death
Final closure, unavoidable, non-negotiable, non-reversible.

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Reflections on the Integration of Life and Death

My grand life’s musing,
Is the integration of life and death,
Where life and death are not 2 separate events,
But where life and death become one.

What is born dies immediately with change.
Change is instaneous,
The very act of perception itself is to see change,
Change as the vibration/alternation between nothing and something,
Happening rapidly maybe 20times a second.
That seems to be the refresh rate of life and change.

All else is the same principle,
Only the scale/degree varies.
Inbreath is the receiving of life,
Outbreath is the exit of life.

Time is this mega-structure,
That rules all meetings and endings,
And rules all becomings and unbecomings.
In a deeper sense,
There is no becoming nor unbecoming,
The same substance just appears to become or unbecome.

In fact becoming and unbecoming are simultaneous in change.
Change instantly becomes the present and unbecomes what was past.
I imagine a large spectrum.
To the left of it are the things most unchanging, very large timescales.
To the right of it are the things that change every millisecond.
Everything lies somewhere in-between this scale.

Whether it is the scale of inbreath-outbreath happening every few seconds,
Or the scale of a relationship like to parents which lasts half a lifetime.
Memory seems to be the only reason for time’s existence,
Without memory time would not exist?
There would only be the instant/now/that.

The layers of time we experience,
Are they not just the layers of memory?
Time is something we know only by its effect.
We cannot perceive time itself.
Time is what forges the memories,
And time is what fades them out.

We only experience what time dishes out to us + our interpretation.
There is more nuance,
Our experience as a subject is because of the lens of our accumulated memories.
There is also the instantaneous perception of time’s immediate action on us – how it affects us.
But we interpret that through the lens of our memories and build even more memory or reshape old ones.

What would be ‘Experience’ without memory is something elusive and I’m not sure it is even possible.
Even something circling close to that would be – Undefinable, Inexpressable, Ineffable directness.
Like what would it be to see without memory, hear without memory, sense without memory.
Is such an impersonal sensing even possible?
Or does the implied “memory lens subject” and “experience” go together?

My highest idea of living in grace,
Is when we let what comes come, and let what goes go.

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The non-linear understanding of time

Time can be seen as a kind of a phenomenon in the field of energy – that is, a kind of continuous self-transforming force.
One’s awareness experiences this flow from a specific point in the field – With the body-mind acting as an energy-lens/container.
However, that body-mind lens is not separate from the field of energy/time – It is itself a localized swirl within the continuous flow, like an eddy in a river.
The universe itself can be seen as a self-actualizing field of energy, with subjective “time” arising only as a localized perceptual effect.
The “river” is the singular field of energy/time, and all bodies, minds, and objects are just patterns within that flow, swirling, forming, dissolving, and reforming continuously.

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On Time, Identity, Desire, and Transformation

Time creates the identity,
Time maintains the identity,
Time exalts the identity,
Time destroys/changes/transforms the identity.

The desires we feel are a combination of 2 things:
1. The projection of the ‘current identity’ expansion/fortification.
2. The projections of past identities expansions/fortifications that stay as ghost images.
Now this current identity could be stable or in the process of transformation,
Or it could have reached a new stability post-transformation.

When identity is transformed by time,
The past-identity projected desires still stay as ghost images.
Even though the new transformed/transforming identity projects different images,
These ghost images stay on the screen too.
Everything thus gets mixed up.

So then there is a deep confusion whenever there is transformation,
As to which desire is from something real or unreal.
In fact by very definition, when in-between a transformation process,
All projections of what is happening are all fleeting and temporary like a dream,
Because a continuously shifting/changing/transforming thing completely veils even the appearance of any essence.

So an identity-transformation process instantly throws a person into emptiness.
He cannot know who/what he is, what he wants/desires, everything in his experience shifts into a unreal dream flow.
If this lasts for 2 decades of his life,
Those entire 2 decades will be like a night dream,
Constantly shifting empty experiences, sort of like being on a psychedelic trip throughout.
Because memory needs a structure to hang off.
But if the structures themselves are changing/morphing, then all the memories have no foothold.

That is why I think we do not remember much of anything before the age of 5.
Because there is too little structure in identity to hold any memories.
So in a way, a person going through a transformation process of identity,
Is in a similar state of consciousness, as someone who is only 2-3 years old.
Early childhood, night dreams, psychedelic trips are the closest analogue to how transformation of identity would feel.

Going through transformation essentially overwhelms the mind when it tries to make sense of it.
It is unable to make an identity/anchor out of all the experiences happening.
It reminds me of the scene in the movie Arrival, when the heptapod aliens just blast the entire screen with innumerable circles.
It becomes impossible to process it and create a coherent narrative.


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The devotee and the guru are really the same self

The extreme devotee and the guru are actually the same being, just separated in time.
Someone who deeply respects me, tells me that this person is basically me, just prior in time.
And the person whom I deeply respect and admire is the the me who is ahead in time.