I am interested in extreme experiences

I am interested in extreme experiences,
Internally or externally induced,
Experiences that give me liberation, powers, freedom,
Experiences that release or change the spell I find myself in now,
Experiences that convey and indubitably prove to me,
The emptiness and freedom inherent in the field.
When something is changed,
Freedom from that thing is straightaway proved.

Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.

All experience is maya/projection

The external reality is a kind of mysterious screen,
On which any movie can be projected.
The source of everything we experience is projected from within.
Things like your possessions, your relationships: like your wife/husband, friends, your children, things you love, stuff you are attached to, your home, are all projections.
So it is possible that a person living in a jungle in Africa may be feeling/thinking/experiencing in a similar way as a person living in the heart of Tokyo city.
Even though every single thing in their environment is different, a similar reality may be experienced.

A romantic essentially feels the same, no matter how he paints the enactment of that feeling.
The sexual lust feels the same, no matter whom it is projected on.
Any place could become your home, if you shift your projection to the new place.
The capacity to shift projections is one of the greatest powers.
All object essences are projected.
Believing that objects have inherent essences contained in them separate from you, is the biggest illusion.

If you are unable to shift your projections, then you stay attached to the original time they were flashed into you.
Attachment itself happens when there isn’t enough power to shift the projection.
It then stays with the person we first projected that feeling on.
That is what is generally called programming/conditioning.

Imagine if an old movie is remade with today’s technology and actors, everything is different, but the movie essence is the same.
Only the props have changed, the same drama and relationship is playing out.
So the implications of this are that:
# 2 people could be living just next to each other, but living in totally different experience worlds.
# Also, 2 people from completely different physical environments could be living a similar experience.

In your internal space, the projection potential is either present or absent.
And when you have it, you can project it on anything or anyone you want.
Its like when you have the love potential in your heart, and it is unblocked, it can be projected on anybody or anything.
You can keep the enactment of the projection at the fantasy level alone, or bring it down to the physical world, if such a choice/power is available to you.

Drugs like marijuana can temporarily vastly enhance your energy/power to access projection potentials and project.
Like I could ask you to look at a tree in front of you, and tell you to love the tree with all of your heart OR hate the tree with all of your heart, and you can experience both directly for yourself.
You can clearly witness how you modulate your experience with your intention.
You can even do this exercise when sober.
The drug only vastly enhances the power of that projection ability because it amps the available energy.
This is the basis of how on LSD, many people report to see the whole world reflected in an ordinary object like an ashtray.

It is like how a newborn experiences the world.
Every object in his/her environment takes on numinous projections.
Really, the experiences we have later in life are pale shadows of the peak experiences that were had at that time.
Those experiences set the tone for our relationship to the world itself.

From this level, there is no such dichotomy between the imagined and what is called real.
Every single thing you experience is real.
There is no such thing really called the physical world.
Everything that you experience is projected.
What a fantastic ride/illusion it is!, to believe the physical world exists independent from you.
It is a mind-boggling magical spell.

More about me

I’m like an RPG character with very low health
So I keep dying zillions of times
But my superpower is infinite regeneration
I can keep coming back again and again

Sometimes I wonder, if all this is really real?
Or are all my experiences part of some dream in the afterlife, and if I am already dead?

People have ‘meaning crisis’ at rare times and it quickly passes away too.
For me it is the other way.
I always live in a perpetual meaning crisis.
For short bursts I have meaning.
In those times, I get ordered and happily pursue the goals that appear.
Then I fall back into nothing, and another spawn happens later.

That is where my endless creativity comes from,
From dying over and over again.
It is like living 1000’s of lives and characters rolled into a single one.
Living in a constant mystery day to day,
Like an endless fountain rising and falling.

My experience of reality nowadays

I experience reality nowadays as a “changing/shifting ocean of sensation”.
In this ocean, various waves arise, from various apparent centers of consciousness that get formed, and various potentials are then available for various thoughts/feelings/emotions from these centers.
Another way to put it would be, my experience is like the movie “waking life”, i.e. like an endless moving lucid dream.
Another analogy would be, my experience is like a movie that is playing all the time, and I alternately engage with it in various ways, and then disengage in various ways, to come back and engage with…and so on.
I do not have much enduring identity day to day.
And my sadhana/effort is to return whatever remnant identity is there to the ocean.
I feel like I am a witness, that witnesses the whole changing ocean of relationship, where an “apparent I” and an “apparent world” appears and keeps shifting.
It always feels real in the moment, just like a dream feels real, but I also know that everything can change from my own memory of that happening a zillion times.

My experience is like the mantra AUM along with the pause.
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of inspiration/energy.
Drawing the formless/unmanifest to form/manifest potential.
Outbreath:
Expression in form/manifest.
Aaaaaa = Waking
Uuuuuu = Dreaming
mmmmmm = Sleep
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of energy.
…and so on.

Death and Life are both NOW

When we speak of death, or think about it,
That is death as a thought/concept.
The concept of death is always connected to time.
It is a thought about the future, usually the far future.
“What will happen to me after I die, maybe 40 years or 60 years later?”
“How will I die? What will be my state at that time?
“What will I be feeling at that time?”
“Who will be beside me at that time?”
“What place will I be in (a hospital, my bedroom…)?”
All of that is death as a thought.

Fear of death happens when death is thought about.
The more imaginative a person is, the stronger he will feel it.
Because of the extent of deep extrapolation and conception he can do.
A powerful imagination superimposes itself over the base reality overloading it with “context/meaning/memory/past-future/likely possibilities”.
And then the body reacts to whatever picture that presents.

Death as a reality however is always NOW.
You face death now, You face life now.
Every moment is changing.
If you see what was lost(negative existence), you see death.
If you see what was gained(positive existence), you see life.

Holographic nature of experience

In Holographic systems:
The micro and macro are the same.
Micro == Macro, Macro == Micro
(== ‘double equals’ is correspondence, left implies/reflects right, right implies/reflects left)

As above, so below. As below, so above.
Above == Below, Below == Above

As outside so inside, as inside so outside.
Inside == Outside, Outside == Inside
The outer is a reflection of the inner.
The inner is a reflection of the outer.

As you are, so is the world.
As is the world, so are you.
You == World, World == You

Tree is a reflection of the Root.
Root is a reflection of the Tree.
Tree == Root, Root == Tree

When you are sick, the whole world is sick.
When your wonderful, the whole world is wonderful.
When you laugh, the whole world laughs with you.
When the whole world is seen as laughing, it is you who is laughing inside.

The world is a projection of you, You are the projection of the world.
The way you feel == Is the way the world feels
The way the world feels == Is the way you feel