Living through the death process

dead_trees

WARNING: This is a somewhat serious and heavy post.
For the readers not interested in the topic of death, this can be skipped.


I am losing control.
I am losing my will-power.
I am dying, fading, receding, dissolving, falling into the ground,
Into a subconscious in-between state.
The state in-between:
# waking and sleep
# waking and dreaming
# life and death
# birth and death
# consciousness and unconsciousness

I am like a dying tree,
Who is in the hands of all of nature’s elements.
I cannot weather the elemental forces anymore.
I submit to them.
I submit to their destruction of me.
The wind blows off my leaves and branches.
Animals eats off whatever they want from me.
Insects feast on me from the outside.
Microorganisms eat me from within.
I am decomposing and falling into the ground of filth,
From where I sprang forth.
It is as if god has given permission to everything in nature to finish me off.
I stand back within this apocalypse and witness tides and tides of destruction, loss, and grief.
The loss of everything I have known.
The loss and destruction continuously happens.
The only function “I” perform with my will, is opening the valve just enough so that it is bearable.
Every-time I open the valve, more of my self is torched in the flame.
Facing death consciously is like facing endless loss and grief.
I know that death is be allowed.
But I am compassionate to the me that is dying,
As every identification is being decomposed, rotted, and reabsorbed.
The process is as pretty as witnessing a vegetable rot in time lapse.
Every death of every part, fills my space with its smoke of grief.
But I only get short breaks, before the next series of deaths start.

My “senses” are going weak.
I can sense/feel/perceive anything only with a lot of strain.
I have to expend a lot of effort to crystallize a momentary perception.
And if I keep doing that, then I will be sent back into a stupor from exhaustion.
My will has become so weak and feeble,
I have to let 95% of things just happen.
I can no longer control my thought and emotion.
I have lost the unity of body mind spirit.
Now they are all fragmented.
It is a descent into chaos like what happens to a kingdom when the king falls.
The various fragments pull and push at each other and scream at the death process, which pulls off their life supports and they all struggle to survive until they fade away.

My mind reacts to the dissolution with painful dreadful suffering visions and agonies,
Which immediately affect the body too with an assortment of painful hormones.
Death is something that is done to you, I am not doing anything.
In fact with the structural dissolution, my power to do decreases more and more.
All I can do with the me that is left is let it happen or resist it.
And resisting it only gives me short breaks.
The flood of the death process, cannot be dammed away for too long.
My motto is: To bear it and allow it as much as possible,
With minimum-damage and suffering, which is the only priority.
The challenge is to go through it with as much grace as you can muster.

Every structure resists death, every structure wants to live.
And so every dissolution of every structure suffers onto its own demise.
Birth and death are suffering.
The growing pains and the dying pains.
Creation is painful and destruction is painful.
There is no escape from pain and resistance.
There is a fundamental duality of:
Statis(inertia, death) ——- Movement(life)
So because the whole of existence/experience is a play of opposing forces,
Resistance as an experience is going to be felt no matter what.
If you sit still, your life force will push on you.
If you move, your inertia will drag on you.

The adventure of life

The adventure of life is scary when there is permanence.
But impermanence/emptiness frees you.
As you grow older, you see all was a passing experience.
Like a passing spring breeze carrying various scents.
This mortality/impermanence/change/emptiness is the true transcendent context.
That is where your higher self/god experiences reality from.
It is all the play of god, to be experienced as the passing breeze it is.
Even thinking it is all real, is part of it, creating the peak of immersion.
The more you ground yourself deeper into emptiness, the wilder your life gets.

Pleasure is a relationship

pure-joy

Pleasure is from a “deep willingness” to “open/include/relate/connect/absorb/commune/merge” your “intelligence” with the other.
It is from the merging of 2 intelligences done willingly.
You “allow” yourself to “dance” and be “touched/moved/uplifted/transformed”.
This mutual interrelationship stirs the depths and plays a rhapsody.
There is a sense of timeless absorption, rapture, and bliss
This ecstasy of union is the highest pleasure.

 

Poetic reflections – Dark night of the soul

snowyisolated

Photo credit: Todd Hito Photography

I feel remote, separate,
forlorn, far away, limbo-like,
deeply-lost, dis-connected,
so lonely, so alone, so solitary,
confined, isolated, deserted,
unrelatable, abandoned, darkness,
dread, trance, disparagement,
hopelessness, powerlessness, smallness,
deep sadness, grief, and emptiness.

I trudge and amble along
Faint reveries from the past bubble up in me
Time has slowed down to a crawl
I feel desolate and frozen
I feel my will and resolve weakening
Moods of despair thwart my movement
But I keep moving from the power of my faith

My body and soul are weary/enervated/sapped/drained
I drag my cross as I walk onward into the desert
My body is a bed of sensation and I acutely sense all of it
My body feels leaden/dead/heavy/old/saturnine/lethargic

I’m inside a glass cage
I cannot touch anyone and nobody can touch me
I walk into the foggy night praying for transformation
Anxieties, doubts, loneliness, confusions and fears are my frequent companions
They are my friends in this journey
I work with each of them patiently and with my highest compassion

My past is like a distant dream
What is ahead of me is a liminal frontier