The vampire mother conversation with her child

I brought you up as insurance for my ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’, 
So that you will bring me that ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’ I always lacked, 
And now after all that work I did (with this promise in mind),
I am disappointed that you are so useless in bringing me any of that.

I wasted my time and energy bringing you up.
After all the humongous efforts I put into bringing you up,
You turned out to be this rubbish.
Now I am regretful, and feel bitter, and resentful.
I look at you with scorn, contempt, and disgust.
I look at you like a failure,
Because you failed me.

You failed to fulfill my own unfulfilled desires,
So that I could live them vicariously through you.
You did not follow the script I gave you,
So that I could hitch-hike my meaning off your life’s ride,
Without the burden of responsibility which I so abhor.

I created you, I own you, you are like an extension of me,
And you turned out to be this abomination.
Don’t you feel guilty for not dedicating every second of your life to pleasing me?
Isn’t that a crime against your mother? Aren’t you ashamed?

Even if you gave up your whole life to serve me,
You could never pay off the infinite debt you owe me,
Because I gave birth to you, and brought you up.
You were helpless at that time, and I DID everything for you.
Nothing you ever do will repay that.

The least you can do now is enslave yourself to my wishes/desires.
Anyway you will never even come close to fulfilling my impossibly large fantasies,
But at least I will look at you with pity and contempt.
Oh this pathetic fool is trying so hard to please even though he is failing so hard.
I will watch you humiliate yourself, because my face will continuously show disapproval.
Nobody can please me because I want the impossible.
I hate myself, and so I will hate you too,
Because you are just an extension of me right.

Anyways whatever you do in life,
I will make sure to poison it.
Because I do the same for myself too.
I will scapegoat you, blame you, and make you responsible,
For everything wrong with my life.
You are the cause of all of my misery,
And now you are obligated to make me feel good.
I will use you as a trash can for dumping all of my frustrations.
And you cannot say no, because how dare you!,
I gave birth to you, and brought you up,
So you bloody well listen to me and give me solace in return.
Then once I’m done, I’ll kick you off and pursue something else more entertaining,
Rather than spending more time seeing my own hated self reflected in you.

You handle your own problems,
But all my problems are yours.
Because if I had free time,
Why would I listen to you and your woes?
I’d rather watch TV.
Because I gave birth to you only so that you could be my helper robot.
You are here to solve my problems,
You are here to make my unmanageable crisis-filled messed-up life easy,
It’s not the other way, you understand.
I will do a shoddy job at everything, and crib, complain, blame,
And you will have to swallow all of that.
You solve your own shit, and solve my shit too.
When I’m bored with you or if I feel you are boring me,
I’ll ask you to get lost.
Why? Because you are here only for my entertainment.
If you are boring me, then I want you out of my sight.

I will say whatever hurtful thing I want to say,
But if you later ever bring it up,
I will simply deny it and call it all your vivid imagination (gaslighting).
And since I have such an impeccable social image,
Everyone will think you are the one lying.
You will shoot yourself in the foot.
So take the abuse without a sound.

You will give me all the validation that I did not receive outside.
You will maintain my grandiose illusions about myself,
And it is your duty to keep reinforcing them to me.
Keep telling me ‘you are great, you are great…’,
Else, I will unleash my wrath on you,
Because how dare you?
I gave birth to you, I own you, and I did so much for you.
You can never repay me anyway.
So you are infinitely indebted.
You are in no position to ever say ‘no’.

Even if you stop talking to me, I would not care,
Because I will still speak to you in a one-way direction,
And you will have to hear since you cannot really close your ears.
I will assume the relationship is still there,
And act like nothing is wrong and keep the unidirectional monologue with you.
Why? Because I gave birth to you, so this relationship is for granted,
You cannot break it or choose to opt out.
Whenever I want, if you are around my sight,
I will freely dump whatever I want on you.
Anyway, that is the kind of child I want,
The silent listener who will only hear and not speak back.
It is great if you are not on talking terms with me in fact.
Because then I can happily fire one way at an unconditional receiver.

Desire is what makes the potential for pleasure possible.

Desire = Potential for Pleasure.
No Desire = No pleasure.
Attachment to pleasure = Attachment to desire.
Attachment to pleasure = Attachment to denying oneself -> by projecting a part/possibility of yourself out on someone or something.
Every desire gives your power away.
Greater the desire = Greater is the power given away.
So ironically, your capacity for pleasure is totally related to your capacity to deny oneself and project outward.

The desiring process is as follows:
First divide/compartmentalize/multiplitize yourself -> then deny yourself of some divided parts and project them into the world -> play complex games to seek for those divided parts (in such a way that you will never get it completely and you can keep playing).
So that inconsistent getting and losing of the desired, keeps you hooked and playing the game round and round.
Greater the inconsistency and the sharper the reward = Greater is the addiction and enslavement (that is why the more addictive drugs have the greatest and shortest possible highs with the greatest drops).
If you want greatest pleasure, then you will seek the most unattainable and impossible.
Because then you can enjoy the greatest possibility for pleasure at the time of reunion.

It is a game of hide and seek.
Game rules: Separate yourself into many fragments, and ask all the fragments to hide into the world, and then play the game of hide and seek in the world to RE-MEMBER yourself back.
Every reunion brings great pleasure.
The soul splits itself into a million fragments(like a big bang event) and then takes on a hero fragment/avatar who searches and unites himself with all the other fragments.

Pleasure is a relationship

pure-joy

Pleasure is from a “deep willingness” to “open/include/relate/connect/absorb/commune/merge” your “intelligence” with the other.
It is from the merging of 2 intelligences done willingly.
You “allow” yourself to “dance” and be “touched/moved/uplifted/transformed”.
This mutual interrelationship stirs the depths and plays a rhapsody.
There is a sense of timeless absorption, rapture, and bliss
This ecstasy of union is the highest pleasure.

 

The dark night of the soul is from a saintly super-ego

colorful-wallpaper-screen-monitor-waves-abstract-art-digital

Prelude:
What keeps us [ALIVE/MAXIMALLY-FUNCTIONING] is [FLOW]
When [FLOW] does not happen for any quality, it results in [ACCUMULATION]
And [ACCUMULATION] impedes [FLOW] and leads to [DISEASE/DEBILITATION/LACK OF FUNCTION]
The [HEALING PROCESS] is nothing but [ALLOWING FLOW]

teastrainer

Supposing you have a [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO]
You [SUPPRESS/REPRESS] the [AWARENESS/EXPRESSION] of your [DARK SIDE] completely
Now, this structure acts as a [TEA STRAINER] and [COLLECTS] all the [GUNK] in the [FLOW] of [LIFE]
Every [WITHHELD EXPRESSION] gets [COLLECTED] in the [STRAINER]
The [STRAINER] here is the [SUPER-EGO MEDIATING STRUCTURE] itself.

If you feel no [GUILT] or [FEAR] about [ENJOYING],[FEELING PLEASURE], [INDULGING] and so on, then the [PLEASURE] passes through the [STRAINER] completely resulting in [NO ACCUMULATION] of [PLEASURE].
[PLEASURE] is then seen as [EMPTY], [PASSING], and [FLOWING], which is its [TRUE NATURE]

On the other hand, if you feel great [GUILT] and [FEAR], in expressing [NEGATIVE DESTRUCTIVE E-MOTIONS (energies in motion)], then you [REPRESS] all of [THAT].
That then [COLLECTS/ACCUMULATES] in the [STRAINER].
When a lot of [NEGATIVE E-MOTIONS] are [THWARTED/SUPPRESSED/REPRESSED/COLLECTED/ACCUMULATED] by the [SUPER-EGO] then they form a [WALL] and [SOLIDIFY/CLUMP UP].
Now this [CLUMPED-UP SOLIDIFIED MASS] on the [STRAINER] reduces the [FLOW OF LIFE] to a [TRICKLE].
Just like the [TEA WATER] not [PASSING THROUGH] and [BARELY TRICKLING] when the [STRAINER] is [ALMOST FULLY BLOCKED].

After this point, the only task for the [EGO] becomes to [ALLOW/RELEASE] this [ACCUMULATED CONCENTRATED CLUMPED UP CONCOCTION OF NEGATIVE DESTRUCTIVE E-MOTION] which [STANDS IN-BETWEEN] and [VEILS/BLOCKS/HIDES] your [TRUE NATURE].

This [PRINCIPLE] is true [BEYOND TIME].
How [FAST] your [STRAINER] gets [CLOGGED] depends upon the [INTENSITY/ZEALOUSNESS] of you [EGO STRUCTURE].
The [FASTER/MORE INTENSE/MORE ALLOWING] the [EGO] is, the [FASTER] this [DEADLOCK] happens.
Just like how, if you pour the [TEA WATER] into the [STRAINER] really [FAST], the [STRAINER] would get clogged at [THAT SAME RATE] and may take you much faster to the point where you would have to [STOP POURING] and [EMPTY THE STRAINER] first.
This may take [some egos] 100s of years, and for some [really intense egos] it may take only 30 years or less.
With a more [INTENSE EGO], you just happen to [SEE] the [RESULTS] of your [STRUCTURES] much [FASTER].
Just like if you are driving at 1000kph, every small movement of the steering takes you FAR AHEAD in that DIRECTION, vs. moving at 30 kph where the movement in that direction is little in comparison.
The PRINCIPLES do not CHANGE.

So coming back to the case of the [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO],
The [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO] [REPRESSES/SUPPRESSES/THWARTS] expression of ALL that is BAD.
This [ACCUMULATES] in the [STRAINER] until it [VEILS] the flow of [LIFE] completely.
At this stage, one arrives at the [DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL] where the only task is to [CLEAN THE STRAINER, LEARN FROM IT, TRANSFORM YOUR STRUCTURES].
All of [LIFE ENERGY] is now [EXPENDED] in [INCINERATING] the [CLUMPED UP COLLECTED CONTENTS] in the [STRAINER] until all of that has been [TORCHED/FREED] and until all the [NECESSARY WISDOM] has been [EXTRACTED].

The [PEOPLE], [SITUATIONS], [CIRCUMSTANCES], [CONDITIONS] you [ENCOUNTER] are only [PROPS] that [LIFE] uses to play out those [UNEXPRESSED EMOTIONS].
So there can be [ALL-CONSUMING HATRED] for [EVERYONE and EVERYTHING], which is actually just the REFLECTION of this [STRUCTURE], i.e. of the [LIGHT OF LIFE] passing through the [PRISM of these ACCUMULATIONS] causing the pattern you see projected on all [PEOPLE], [THINGS], [CIRCUMSTANCES, [SITUATIONS] and [CONDITIONS].

The game of life is rigged

chess

The game of life is rigged.
It is impossible to win.
As Alan Watts would say, “White will never really win over Black”.
Pleasure will never win over pain.
The opposites go together and it is impossible to have 1 and not the other.
One cannot take respite and consolation in hell, because heaven exists.
One cannot take respite and consolation in heaven, because hell exists.
No matter how much you walk to the East, the West still exists behind you.
No matter how much you walk to the North, the South still exists behind you.

Cycles of sexual potentials

Sexualized images -> mobilize pleasure -> and modify all behavior towards the procurement of that pleasure.
However, the sexualization capacity is directly related to the sex hormone – testosterone.
The cycles of testosterone circling determine the cycles of sexualization/pleasure capacity from previously sexualized images (carry a momentum).
Once sexualization feeling-image combinations are tapped into -> there is a pressure created in the system to release -> and when desire gets aligned to that, it carries a momentum with it and pulls the emotions and mind towards its fulfillment/release.
This pressure to release sexual feelings, as it builds up each time from the testosterone cycle is the prison.
The prison is of the modification of behavior (thought and emotion) for its purposes in cycles.
Its not completely imprisoning since it creates a compelling potential for a pleasure peak, but then there is a tendency to give-in to it.
What could be wrong with giving in, to a natural pleasure that gives you a cycle (opportunity/potential) or 2 a day?
Another angle here is the whole dopamine-prolactin cycle created. Each time you peak in dopamine when an orgasm happens, it is followed by a period of relaxation and total lack of desire for any more sexual activity.
Interestingly the sexual activities literally almost get disgusting in this prolactin phase.
Studying this illuminates its illusion which is quite interesting. How can something that was so desirable just minutes ago, seem so uninteresting and disgusting just after orgasm. There is just total disinterest for the very same object.
It is so dis-interesting, you immediately put it out of your consciousness and pursue something else.
Being unconscious of something shows the extent of disinterest.
You are so disinterested, that you literally want to take your mind completely off it, only to repeat it again the next day with the same intensity.
The inference I have come to from observing 1000s of such cycles is that, the nature of all sexual activity is EMPTY.
It is just like a short acting natural drug like cocaine which gives a rush of pursuit/focus -> peak/orgasm -> release/relaxation/satisfaction/afterglow.
The mechanism seems to be the same.