Living through the death process

dead_trees

WARNING: This is a somewhat serious and heavy post.
For the readers not interested in the topic of death, this can be skipped.


I am losing control.
I am losing my will-power.
I am dying, fading, receding, dissolving, falling into the ground,
Into a subconscious in-between state.
The state in-between:
# waking and sleep
# waking and dreaming
# life and death
# birth and death
# consciousness and unconsciousness

I am like a dying tree,
Who is in the hands of all of nature’s elements.
I cannot weather the elemental forces anymore.
I submit to them.
I submit to their destruction of me.
The wind blows off my leaves and branches.
Animals eats off whatever they want from me.
Insects feast on me from the outside.
Microorganisms eat me from within.
I am decomposing and falling into the ground of filth,
From where I sprang forth.
It is as if god has given permission to everything in nature to finish me off.
I stand back within this apocalypse and witness tides and tides of destruction, loss, and grief.
The loss of everything I have known.
The loss and destruction continuously happens.
The only function “I” perform with my will, is opening the valve just enough so that it is bearable.
Every-time I open the valve, more of my self is torched in the flame.
Facing death consciously is like facing endless loss and grief.
I know that death is be allowed.
But I am compassionate to the me that is dying,
As every identification is being decomposed, rotted, and reabsorbed.
The process is as pretty as witnessing a vegetable rot in time lapse.
Every death of every part, fills my space with its smoke of grief.
But I only get short breaks, before the next series of deaths start.

My “senses” are going weak.
I can sense/feel/perceive anything only with a lot of strain.
I have to expend a lot of effort to crystallize a momentary perception.
And if I keep doing that, then I will be sent back into a stupor from exhaustion.
My will has become so weak and feeble,
I have to let 95% of things just happen.
I can no longer control my thought and emotion.
I have lost the unity of body mind spirit.
Now they are all fragmented.
It is a descent into chaos like what happens to a kingdom when the king falls.
The various fragments pull and push at each other and scream at the death process, which pulls off their life supports and they all struggle to survive until they fade away.

My mind reacts to the dissolution with painful dreadful suffering visions and agonies,
Which immediately affect the body too with an assortment of painful hormones.
Death is something that is done to you, I am not doing anything.
In fact with the structural dissolution, my power to do decreases more and more.
All I can do with the me that is left is let it happen or resist it.
And resisting it only gives me short breaks.
The flood of the death process, cannot be dammed away for too long.
My motto is: To bear it and allow it as much as possible,
With minimum-damage and suffering, which is the only priority.
The challenge is to go through it with as much grace as you can muster.

Every structure resists death, every structure wants to live.
And so every dissolution of every structure suffers onto its own demise.
Birth and death are suffering.
The growing pains and the dying pains.
Creation is painful and destruction is painful.
There is no escape from pain and resistance.
There is a fundamental duality of:
Statis(inertia, death) ——- Movement(life)
So because the whole of existence/experience is a play of opposing forces,
Resistance as an experience is going to be felt no matter what.
If you sit still, your life force will push on you.
If you move, your inertia will drag on you.

Potential of pain/loss, the abyss of change

I think it is the potential of pain/loss that matters.
Every being has something he/she values whose loss will impact the same way.
It is loss of what you love. All pain is that.
What is this cruel place, where things that you love are given to you, only to be taken away?
That causes me to withdraw all investment from all things.
Because ALL can be lost.
You can only love when there is security.
In my case, I feel the most profound insecurity imaginable.
The insecurity has infiltrated every nook and corner of my being and all I can do is shrivel and contract in fear.
Also, the more I look into existence, I see that EVERYTHING can be lost.
If all ‘things’ can be lost, all ‘experience things/objects’ can be lost.
If all experience potentials too can also be fundamentally and irrevocably lost, then loving any thing, that kind of investment, is going to come with the full-blown pain of losing it too.
If that is the case then all investments will bring the full pain of loss.
All can be lost, its only a matter of time, before a thing can be taken away from you. It is inevitable.
That is the truth of death, which is a subset of the truth of change.
I feel I cannot hide anywhere from this, its not like I can hide my money in a safe, ‘things’ are experientially taken away from me.
Change just makes them disappear.
This truth of emptiness is terror for my ego which is in charge of emotional investments.
I live in fear/contraction/tightly-grasping to what I have at every moment.
This is profound insecurity.
I live like I’m in an exile, a hostile place all around.
The most intimate things too can be taken away from you.
As a result, I experience both passing pleasures and pain with this background deep insecurity and contraction of my investments. I’m terrified in the background at these sweeping tsunamis of change of state.
Nothing can be hidden from the higher frequency subtler source/god.
Its not a matter of trust or mistrust anymore.
Its a question about fully imbibing the truth of CHANGE, and that I am no-thing. All the terror is about the digestion of this potion in your being.
The “now you have it, now you don’t” game has been so so intense for me from the deepest to the grossest levels, I am frozen with fear/mild terror and hard grasping for security.
I don’t have a leg to stand on, the ground is being removed from my feet all the time.
I must die into and become the abyss of change itself.