Investments – Journey to the Abstract

I have relinquished almost all investments with others.
Now, I stand alone with only my parents around me.
As I let go more and more, I am falling into an energy space that has no overlap with my parents.
My parents are my final investment, and I am getting desperate in trying to connect with them in some way.
This is because if I don’t achieve some connection/structure/basis then I will fall into no-self, chaos, the dream, and emptiness.
This is scary to me, and that part of me is driving my efforts for desperate connection.
Even if it means finding fault with others(parents), and infusing urgency into the fact that they MUST solve their problems, and I will help them, and so on.
I can see through this though, and I have compassion for that part of me.

In fact I see that there is no overlap between my energy and ANYBODY else.
I see the part of me that is freaking out
That part which seeks out support/connection/bolstering for my identity.
That part is actually my identity/ego/social-self itself.
Without this bolstering one falls into the unknown, into the dream, and into emptiness, without a story, continuity, identity, or a structure.
That is how it appears.

The illusion of continuity and structure is maintained by others.
Without others, there is nothing to UPHOLD the self/ego.
Our self/ego is only a social-construct thriving on continual reinforcement.
The grief is in dropping this mega-project of the hope of securing validation of my value and worth from an other, and of contact with an other who would give me the respect of fully seeing me.
I have never received the “seeing/validation of worth and value” in any consistent way all through my life.
It has come in bits and pieces and has created so many fragmented selves.
Maybe that is what drove me towards the project of freedom, because the chaos and a lack of a stable pov was getting painful.

But now, I want to be emptied of all these dependent coagulations/structures/identities and give up everything that is not upheld inherently by existence itself.
The price to pay feels like everything, but I can also sense that nothing of true value is ever lost and all I am losing is my burdens.

I think it is the potential of pain/loss that matters.
Every being has something he/she values whose loss will impact the same way.
It is loss of what you love. All pain is that.
What is this cruel place, where things that you love are given to you, only to be taken away?
That causes me to withdraw all investment from all things.
Because ALL can be lost.
You can only love when there is security.
In my case, I feel the most profound insecurity imaginable.
The insecurity has infiltrated every nook and corner of my being and all I can do is shrivel and contract in fear.
Also, the more I look into existence, I see that EVERYTHING can be lost.
If all ‘things’ can be lost, all ‘experience things/objects’ can be lost.
If all experience potentials too can also be fundamentally and irrevocably lost, then loving any thing, that kind of investment, is going to come with the full-blown pain of losing it too.
If that is the case then all investments will bring the full pain of loss.
All can be lost, its only a matter of time, before a thing can be taken away from you. It is inevitable.
That is the truth of death, which is a subset of the truth of change.
I feel I cannot hide anywhere from this, its not like I can hide my money in a safe, ‘things’ are experientially taken away from me.
Change just makes them disappear.
This truth of emptiness is terror for my ego which is in charge of emotional investments.
I live in fear/contraction/tightly-grasping to what I have at every moment.
This is profound insecurity.
I live like I’m in an exile, a hostile place all around.
The most intimate things too can be taken away from you.
As a result, I experience both passing pleasures and pain with this background deep insecurity and contraction of my investments. I’m terrified in the background at these sweeping tsunamis of change of state.
Nothing can be hidden from the higher frequency subtler source/god.
Its not a matter of trust or mistrust anymore.
Its a question about fully imbibing the truth of CHANGE, and that I am no-thing. All the terror is about the digestion of this potion in your being.
The “now you have it, now you don’t” game has been so so intense for me from the deepest to the grossest levels, I am frozen with fear/mild terror and hard grasping for security.
I don’t have a leg to stand on, the ground is being removed from my feet all the time.
I must die into and become the abyss of change itself.

Tag: Investments

The final rites of letting go

Potential of pain/loss, the abyss of change