Need for Recognition and Deep Insecurity

The infinite creation pours out through me in abundance and infinity.
Another person may acknowledge my creative work(a portion of it).
In fact it would be even better if someone acknowledged my potential vs. work, after seeing all my work.
Because then I could get bolstering for the potential itself vs. a specific piece created by me.
Ideally I would want to be seen/admired/revered/loved/wanted for being an infinite god (my highest conceivable potential).
Because that would bolster that reality, and give greater security (stability, solidification) for that version of reality experience.
But what is evident here is that I am still then attached to the pole of plenitude and am seeking this as an effort to move away from emptiness.

I see all need for recognition, coming from DEEP INSECURITY.
Because when it comes to your social image self, it is entirely sustained on others’ validations of you.
The ego = social self = socially conferred identity, and most of it is the internalization of what people told you you were.
Even the so-called high self-esteem people are simply the ones who have received enough affirmations of their potential (as a formative age, and beyond), which has reified in them as high self esteem.
The point is, the whole social self/ego reality is insecure.
If you have received a lot of positive social food, you are secure and probably forwarding that reality as an independent agent, and supporting others who have not received enough social validation food and are therefore living parasitically.
But for most people, the social self/ego is their only identity.
So giving up upholding/maintaining and forwarding the social self, will cause its total collapse from lack of feedback.
This self survives on FEEDBACK.
This self is inherently maintained by – EFFORT.
The social self/ego is inherently insecure, for it relies on external validation and continual reinforcement to survive.
The counter of this reality is to live in the effortless what is, and let everything else fall away, and thereby let the EFFORT created realities fall away.

So recognition is a kind of outer initiated solidification, security – of my own work, in my own mind space.
My creations are entirely validated by me, when I create them, but without external validation, they do not become concrete but rather pass away quickly like a dream. And then I dream another dream.
In a certain sense, recognition might add limitations to my creativity, because it might create a gravity towards those kinds of works.
To be totally free is to be totally free of such forces.

Recognition might hold me back from the perspective of infinite creation, because it will crystallize those formations, and I am likely to live up to them so that I can get security of 1000 people supporting/appreciating/liking/admiring it.
If I ever start relying on external support, then I am back in the insecure reality, and this social reality will EXTRACT/EXACT its price from me for conferring this security/support/solidification/feedback in its machine.
I will be forced to BE SOMEBODY and that will be a limitation.

I see seeking recognition as an attempt to hold on.
Recognition allows you to hold on, because your creation is held onto by others.
You have replicated that formation in others and that is solidifying your own creation in your own mind.
It is all coming from your DESIRE TO BE SOMETHING/SOMEBODY.
We are always BEING without effort.
But this is coming from the desire to BEING a specific ideal/somebody/something, not just BEING.
In essence it is coming from a desire to BE A “THING”.
To give up/let go/relinquish/move beyond being a “THING” = ENLIGHTENMENT.

Potential of pain/loss, the abyss of change

I think it is the potential of pain/loss that matters.
Every being has something he/she values whose loss will impact the same way.
It is loss of what you love. All pain is that.
What is this cruel place, where things that you love are given to you, only to be taken away?
That causes me to withdraw all investment from all things.
Because ALL can be lost.
You can only love when there is security.
In my case, I feel the most profound insecurity imaginable.
The insecurity has infiltrated every nook and corner of my being and all I can do is shrivel and contract in fear.
Also, the more I look into existence, I see that EVERYTHING can be lost.
If all ‘things’ can be lost, all ‘experience things/objects’ can be lost.
If all experience potentials too can also be fundamentally and irrevocably lost, then loving any thing, that kind of investment, is going to come with the full-blown pain of losing it too.
If that is the case then all investments will bring the full pain of loss.
All can be lost, its only a matter of time, before a thing can be taken away from you. It is inevitable.
That is the truth of death, which is a subset of the truth of change.
I feel I cannot hide anywhere from this, its not like I can hide my money in a safe, ‘things’ are experientially taken away from me.
Change just makes them disappear.
This truth of emptiness is terror for my ego which is in charge of emotional investments.
I live in fear/contraction/tightly-grasping to what I have at every moment.
This is profound insecurity.
I live like I’m in an exile, a hostile place all around.
The most intimate things too can be taken away from you.
As a result, I experience both passing pleasures and pain with this background deep insecurity and contraction of my investments. I’m terrified in the background at these sweeping tsunamis of change of state.
Nothing can be hidden from the higher frequency subtler source/god.
Its not a matter of trust or mistrust anymore.
Its a question about fully imbibing the truth of CHANGE, and that I am no-thing. All the terror is about the digestion of this potion in your being.
The “now you have it, now you don’t” game has been so so intense for me from the deepest to the grossest levels, I am frozen with fear/mild terror and hard grasping for security.
I don’t have a leg to stand on, the ground is being removed from my feet all the time.
I must die into and become the abyss of change itself.