Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.

Clarity and Complexity

I had a dream in the afternoon where I just felt so sure/assured/totally confident about one small thing.
And this kept on playing again and again in my mind like a loop, and then I woke up.
So this sent me back to the drawing board to contemplate on the nature of life/reality/god/self.

I wanted to structure what happened to me in a larger context/perspective.
I do this all the time, start from scratch and create a new fabric of meaning.
It is a kind of primordial creativity, that I really enjoy giving expression.
So here is my articulation of my thought process.

In the dream there was an immense feeling of certainty for an extremely narrow idea, and it kept on repeating until I woke up.
I think, this is a case of: “clarity + simplicity”
Whereas, for phenomena like mystical experiences of profound certitude, it would be a case of: “clarity + complexity”
Both of the above can also be seen as:
Simple order/harmony/integration —–vs—- Complex order/harmony/integration
An old Nokia 3100 phone (from the early 2000s) —-vs—- An IPhone XS today
Both the devices can work great, be fully functional, and integrated in their design. But what a difference there is, in their complexity!
So this would be a good analogy for: my looping simplistic certitude dream vs. a revelation of profound implications felt in the waking state.

Imagination is the closest expression of spirit

Imagination is the closest expression of spirit/source itself.

To define imagination in its highest sense:
# “The philosophers stone is not an object in your imagination, rather you are the imagination of the philosophers stone”.
Another way of saying it is:
# “God is not an object in your imagination, rather ‘you’ are the imagination of God”

The power of imagination is like the “infinite potentiality all pervading quantum field” itself
All of reality = “imagination of god” as experienced through the lens of “god’s imagination of you”.

Placebo vs Nocebo

placebonocebo

Placebo —-vs—- Nocebo
It looks like:
Positive imagination/expectation —-vs—- Negative imagination/expectation

Positive and negative imagination tend to spiral.
* When you life has been going well with better and better things, positive imagination spirals.
* And when your life has loss after loss, negative imagination starts to spiral.

It seems, life is like an indifferent movie, that keeps playing, and you sit in the theater seat and watch it unfold.
* If great things happen, you start to see positive future visions (+ve imagination).
* If bad things happen in the movie, you start to dread the future scenes (-ve imagination).

Death and Life are both NOW

When we speak of death, or think about it,
That is death as a thought/concept.
The concept of death is always connected to time.
It is a thought about the future, usually the far future.
“What will happen to me after I die, maybe 40 years or 60 years later?”
“How will I die? What will be my state at that time?
“What will I be feeling at that time?”
“Who will be beside me at that time?”
“What place will I be in (a hospital, my bedroom…)?”
All of that is death as a thought.

Fear of death happens when death is thought about.
The more imaginative a person is, the stronger he will feel it.
Because of the extent of deep extrapolation and conception he can do.
A powerful imagination superimposes itself over the base reality overloading it with “context/meaning/memory/past-future/likely possibilities”.
And then the body reacts to whatever picture that presents.

Death as a reality however is always NOW.
You face death now, You face life now.
Every moment is changing.
If you see what was lost(negative existence), you see death.
If you see what was gained(positive existence), you see life.

Spirit world and Material world

three-states-of-matter-ice-water-steam

There are differing ratios of Spirit-Matter in different planes of existence.
[Look up “Sant Mat – inner planes of existence” if interested in a model]
What we call earth depends on which plane you are on, i.e. which plane you are aligned and tuned to.
You are not in earth, rather you and the earth are appearances within and as a certain energetic frequency ‘YOU'[your higher self/soul/your deeper reality…you get the idea] are tuned into.
Are you looking at the “material earth” OR the “spiritual earth”? it depends on whether you are TUNED into the material plane or spirit plane.
I have created 2 simplistic categories so that I can explain the concept.
But basically what I am trying to convey is that, there are innumerable planes of experience/existence spanning from gross to subtle.
Gross[material] plane ——–innumerable in-between planes————– Subtle [Spirit] plane
And these planes have differing ratios of spirit to matter.
Spirit is lowest, matter is highest [dense material plane] —-vs—– Spirit is highest, matter is lowest [rarefied spiritual plane]

Spirit is energy/life/subtle/aliveness/electricity/non-physical/imperceptible.
Spirit infused into matter creates ‘VIBRATION’ which is then perceivable.
So then are you matter or spirit?
The relationship is a bit more complex.
Really, there is only ONE ENERGY, we can call in caps ‘SPIRIT’.
SPIRIT[spirit, matter]
The duality of spirit-matter comes out of this, which is what creates existence as a form OR material plane existence and so on.
Like how, we have [ice, water, steam].
All 3 of these are the same essence but vibrating at different rates.
Lower vibration = gross = matter ————– Higher vibration = subtle = steam.
But all of the forms of water are the same essence.
So coming back to spirit-matter, spirit-matter are like Yin-Yang dual pairs.
They mutually and interdependently give each other meaning.
‘matter’ is because ‘spirit’ is, and ‘spirit’ is because ‘matter’ is.
But both are made up of ‘SPIRIT’ Essence(note the caps).
Like how H2O molecule transcends all the various forms water can take, ‘SPIRIT’ OR ‘GOD’ OR ‘The ONE’ is that ‘primordial essence/singular principle’ that manifests in the infinite forms/varieties/experiences.

Now coming back to the spirit/material realms/planes/worlds concept.
I will use a monitor screen analogy to explain it further.
Your monitor refresh rate is right now 60hz (sometimes 75hz or even 120hz).
That means 60 times a second, a TOTAL refresh is possible.
That means I could have a strobe light flash through every pixel in the screen in 60 different colors one at a time within one sec.
This refresh rate is its ‘FREQUENCY’.
So this is a great analogy to explain, what high-frequency spirit planes are like.
Higher the frequency, higher the freedom.
Very young Children are in this state (much higher frequency), and even good quality LSD can create this HYPER-PRIMING state of high frequency which is felt as exhilarating, joy, and freedom.

Children come into being from the spirit world to the material world.
And this is not instant but a certain gradual process of shifting from the higher freq spirit world into the lower freq material world. A descent.
Think about it, when does the greatest amount of creation happen (fundamental creation that is)? In the womb?? (so the womb is sort of a transition plane from the higher freq to the lower freq when the basic form of incarnation happens).
Even in the initial years of life until the age of 6, one is in a HYPER-PRIMING stage (similar to LSD) where imprinting happens.
Thereafter we live life through that form and experience life through the more or less crystallized imprinted form patterns in the material plane.
Which is what makes us have a specific personality and traits.
If we were in the higher freq spirit realms, you can shape shift profoundly into anything and experience it and change into something else a mili-second later.
Now one very interesting point, generally we become more fearful of change after we grow because there is less freedom/less energy (low freq energy is more difficult to change). We are afraid of imprinting – why? because we will not have the energy to change it later.

Lower frequency realms are like solidified dreams.
Like whatever happens to us, has a DRAG time, and this DRAG time is SIGNIFICANTLY greater the lower our frequency is.
Depression is the frequency of spirit is very low – in other words, you feel powerless, helpless to CHANGE your state. It is not only very difficult to change your state, you once again get stuck in whatever new state you arrive at. The depression pain is mainly spiritual, the pain of losing freedom.
Depression is your being moving into the lower freq of hell realms.
The opposite is exhilaration tingly vibratory feelings which happen as spirit influxes into your form.

Ecstasy is your being moving into the higher freq of heavenly realms.
Heaven and Hell realms can be conceptualized in terms of:
Low freq material worlds = Hell —————– High freq spirit worlds = Heaven
(Heaven and hell are relative remember, they are not absolute places)
In the high freq heaven spirit worlds, you can MOVE through vast experiences as fast as your monitor can update say, 60 times a second.
Whereas in the low freq hell material worlds, it takes a lot of effort to update your state of being, and once you arrive there, again it will take a lot of effort to change it. So really there is no freedom at all in comparison.

Another aspect I wanted to talk about besides freq was amplitude and power.
You could be powerful in a low frequency realm = Science (the imagination caught in the imaginary)
You could be powerless in a high frequency realm = Religious visionary
This ties into the saying:
Science is blind, Religion is lame.
Frequency determines the radio station – realm you are tuned into.
Amplitude determines the volume – amplitude or power of the signal.
Like a person who is tuned to the material world (low freq) but with a lot of amplitude/power, will be an achiever, go-getter, powerful human in the human game.
Whereas a spiritual seeker, his being may be tuned to the high frequency but he cannot sustain any amplitude and feels totally powerless and helpless.

So I made 4 variations:

High frequency + High amplitude = Spiritual master (fast and total change) = LSD like aliveness “All is spirit” experience.
High frequency + Low amplitude = Spiritual seeker (fine awareness but slow change from lack of power) = Deep insights but inability to change much.
[Spiritual seeker ——and ———- Spiritual master] = Are both spirit world high-freq experiences.

Low frequency + High amplitude = Doer/Achiever in the world (low awareness but fast change) = Societal achiever and go-getter
Low frequency + Low amplitude = Depression (low awareness and slow change) = Dull slow leaden sub-human state.

I read somewhere in literature, that angels live in the high-freq visionary worlds but have low power.
Whereas humans live in the low-freq material world but have high power.
So what would you choose, if those were the 2 options?

Poetic reflections – Dark night of the soul

snowyisolated

Photo credit: Todd Hito Photography

I feel remote, separate,
forlorn, far away, limbo-like,
deeply-lost, dis-connected,
so lonely, so alone, so solitary,
confined, isolated, deserted,
unrelatable, abandoned, darkness,
dread, trance, disparagement,
hopelessness, powerlessness, smallness,
deep sadness, grief, and emptiness.

I trudge and amble along
Faint reveries from the past bubble up in me
Time has slowed down to a crawl
I feel desolate and frozen
I feel my will and resolve weakening
Moods of despair thwart my movement
But I keep moving from the power of my faith

My body and soul are weary/enervated/sapped/drained
I drag my cross as I walk onward into the desert
My body is a bed of sensation and I acutely sense all of it
My body feels leaden/dead/heavy/old/saturnine/lethargic

I’m inside a glass cage
I cannot touch anyone and nobody can touch me
I walk into the foggy night praying for transformation
Anxieties, doubts, loneliness, confusions and fears are my frequent companions
They are my friends in this journey
I work with each of them patiently and with my highest compassion

My past is like a distant dream
What is ahead of me is a liminal frontier