I brought you up as insurance for my ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’,Â
So that you will bring me that ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’ I always lacked,Â
And now after all that work I did (with this promise in mind),
I am disappointed that you are so useless in bringing me any of that.
I wasted my time and energy bringing you up.
After all the humongous efforts I put into bringing you up,
You turned out to be this rubbish.
Now I am regretful, and feel bitter, and resentful.
I look at you with scorn, contempt, and disgust.
I look at you like a failure,
Because you failed me.
You failed to fulfill my own unfulfilled desires,
So that I could live them vicariously through you.
You did not follow the script I gave you,
So that I could hitch-hike my meaning off your life’s ride,
Without the burden of responsibility which I so abhor.
I created you, I own you, you are like an extension of me,
And you turned out to be this abomination.
Don’t you feel guilty for not dedicating every second of your life to pleasing me?
Isn’t that a crime against your mother? Aren’t you ashamed?
Even if you gave up your whole life to serve me,
You could never pay off the infinite debt you owe me,
Because I gave birth to you, and brought you up.
You were helpless at that time, and I DID everything for you.
Nothing you ever do will repay that.
The least you can do now is enslave yourself to my wishes/desires.
Anyway you will never even come close to fulfilling my impossibly large fantasies,
But at least I will look at you with pity and contempt.
Oh this pathetic fool is trying so hard to please even though he is failing so hard.
I will watch you humiliate yourself, because my face will continuously show disapproval.
Nobody can please me because I want the impossible.
I hate myself, and so I will hate you too,
Because you are just an extension of me right.
Anyways whatever you do in life,
I will make sure to poison it.
Because I do the same for myself too.
I will scapegoat you, blame you, and make you responsible,
For everything wrong with my life.
You are the cause of all of my misery,
And now you are obligated to make me feel good.
I will use you as a trash can for dumping all of my frustrations.
And you cannot say no, because how dare you!,
I gave birth to you, and brought you up,
So you bloody well listen to me and give me solace in return.
Then once I’m done, I’ll kick you off and pursue something else more entertaining,
Rather than spending more time seeing my own hated self reflected in you.
You handle your own problems,
But all my problems are yours.
Because if I had free time,
Why would I listen to you and your woes?
I’d rather watch TV.
Because I gave birth to you only so that you could be my helper robot.
You are here to solve my problems,
You are here to make my unmanageable crisis-filled messed-up life easy,
It’s not the other way, you understand.
I will do a shoddy job at everything, and crib, complain, blame,
And you will have to swallow all of that.
You solve your own shit, and solve my shit too.
When I’m bored with you or if I feel you are boring me,
I’ll ask you to get lost.
Why? Because you are here only for my entertainment.
If you are boring me, then I want you out of my sight.
I will say whatever hurtful thing I want to say,
But if you later ever bring it up,
I will simply deny it and call it all your vivid imagination (gaslighting).
And since I have such an impeccable social image,
Everyone will think you are the one lying.
You will shoot yourself in the foot.
So take the abuse without a sound.
You will give me all the validation that I did not receive outside.
You will maintain my grandiose illusions about myself,
And it is your duty to keep reinforcing them to me.
Keep telling me ‘you are great, you are great…’,
Else, I will unleash my wrath on you,
Because how dare you?
I gave birth to you, I own you, and I did so much for you.
You can never repay me anyway.
So you are infinitely indebted.
You are in no position to ever say ‘no’.
Even if you stop talking to me, I would not care,
Because I will still speak to you in a one-way direction,
And you will have to hear since you cannot really close your ears.
I will assume the relationship is still there,
And act like nothing is wrong and keep the unidirectional monologue with you.
Why? Because I gave birth to you, so this relationship is for granted,
You cannot break it or choose to opt out.
Whenever I want, if you are around my sight,
I will freely dump whatever I want on you.
Anyway, that is the kind of child I want,
The silent listener who will only hear and not speak back.
It is great if you are not on talking terms with me in fact.
Because then I can happily fire one way at an unconditional receiver.
Your hatreds are your limitation
Your hatreds are your limitation.
Those are the areas you are disconnected from god.
If you have connected god to yourself, you have self-love.
If you have connected god to others, you have other-love.
They are 2 dimensions.
Others hate you, when you do not recognize them as god.
It is as if, say, you split yourself into 5 parts, and play 5 roles in the theater stage, as father, mother, child, dog, neighbor.
If the father hates the neighbor in the stage drama, then he has forgotten the true nature of things, that it is his same eyes looking out through the neighbor part.
Everyone and everything is a master, is a doorway to god, if you are that receptive.
Look really deeply into anyone and anything, and you see your own eyes looking back at you.
But generally, we have only certain forms we more readily connect god with, like angels, the great gurus/saviors, saints, and so on.
Endeavor to see god in every form, to reclaim all of your disconnected lost parts, lost potentials, and lost relationships.
Those are the areas you are disconnected from god.
If you have connected god to yourself, you have self-love.
If you have connected god to others, you have other-love.
They are 2 dimensions.
Others hate you, when you do not recognize them as god.
It is as if, say, you split yourself into 5 parts, and play 5 roles in the theater stage, as father, mother, child, dog, neighbor.
If the father hates the neighbor in the stage drama, then he has forgotten the true nature of things, that it is his same eyes looking out through the neighbor part.
Everyone and everything is a master, is a doorway to god, if you are that receptive.
Look really deeply into anyone and anything, and you see your own eyes looking back at you.
But generally, we have only certain forms we more readily connect god with, like angels, the great gurus/saviors, saints, and so on.
Endeavor to see god in every form, to reclaim all of your disconnected lost parts, lost potentials, and lost relationships.
The dark night of the soul is from a saintly super-ego
Prelude:
What keeps us [ALIVE/MAXIMALLY-FUNCTIONING] is [FLOW]
When [FLOW] does not happen for any quality, it results in [ACCUMULATION]
And [ACCUMULATION] impedes [FLOW] and leads to [DISEASE/DEBILITATION/LACK OF FUNCTION]
The [HEALING PROCESS] is nothing but [ALLOWING FLOW]
Supposing you have a [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO]
You [SUPPRESS/REPRESS] the [AWARENESS/EXPRESSION] of your [DARK SIDE] completely
Now, this structure acts as a [TEA STRAINER] and [COLLECTS] all the [GUNK] in the [FLOW] of [LIFE]
Every [WITHHELD EXPRESSION] gets [COLLECTED] in the [STRAINER]
The [STRAINER] here is the [SUPER-EGO MEDIATING STRUCTURE] itself.
If you feel no [GUILT] or [FEAR] about [ENJOYING],[FEELING PLEASURE], [INDULGING] and so on, then the [PLEASURE] passes through the [STRAINER] completely resulting in [NO ACCUMULATION] of [PLEASURE].
[PLEASURE] is then seen as [EMPTY], [PASSING], and [FLOWING], which is its [TRUE NATURE]
On the other hand, if you feel great [GUILT] and [FEAR], in expressing [NEGATIVE DESTRUCTIVE E-MOTIONS (energies in motion)], then you [REPRESS] all of [THAT].
That then [COLLECTS/ACCUMULATES] in the [STRAINER].
When a lot of [NEGATIVE E-MOTIONS] are [THWARTED/SUPPRESSED/REPRESSED/COLLECTED/ACCUMULATED] by the [SUPER-EGO] then they form a [WALL] and [SOLIDIFY/CLUMP UP].
Now this [CLUMPED-UP SOLIDIFIED MASS] on the [STRAINER] reduces the [FLOW OF LIFE] to a [TRICKLE].
Just like the [TEA WATER] not [PASSING THROUGH] and [BARELY TRICKLING] when the [STRAINER] is [ALMOST FULLY BLOCKED].
After this point, the only task for the [EGO] becomes to [ALLOW/RELEASE] this [ACCUMULATED CONCENTRATED CLUMPED UP CONCOCTION OF NEGATIVE DESTRUCTIVE E-MOTION] which [STANDS IN-BETWEEN] and [VEILS/BLOCKS/HIDES] your [TRUE NATURE].
This [PRINCIPLE] is true [BEYOND TIME].
How [FAST] your [STRAINER] gets [CLOGGED] depends upon the [INTENSITY/ZEALOUSNESS] of you [EGO STRUCTURE].
The [FASTER/MORE INTENSE/MORE ALLOWING] the [EGO] is, the [FASTER] this [DEADLOCK] happens.
Just like how, if you pour the [TEA WATER] into the [STRAINER] really [FAST], the [STRAINER] would get clogged at [THAT SAME RATE] and may take you much faster to the point where you would have to [STOP POURING] and [EMPTY THE STRAINER] first.
This may take [some egos] 100s of years, and for some [really intense egos] it may take only 30 years or less.
With a more [INTENSE EGO], you just happen to [SEE] the [RESULTS] of your [STRUCTURES] much [FASTER].
Just like if you are driving at 1000kph, every small movement of the steering takes you FAR AHEAD in that DIRECTION, vs. moving at 30 kph where the movement in that direction is little in comparison.
The PRINCIPLES do not CHANGE.
So coming back to the case of the [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO],
The [SAINTLY SUPER-EGO] [REPRESSES/SUPPRESSES/THWARTS] expression of ALL that is BAD.
This [ACCUMULATES] in the [STRAINER] until it [VEILS] the flow of [LIFE] completely.
At this stage, one arrives at the [DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL] where the only task is to [CLEAN THE STRAINER, LEARN FROM IT, TRANSFORM YOUR STRUCTURES].
All of [LIFE ENERGY] is now [EXPENDED] in [INCINERATING] the [CLUMPED UP COLLECTED CONTENTS] in the [STRAINER] until all of that has been [TORCHED/FREED] and until all the [NECESSARY WISDOM] has been [EXTRACTED].
The [PEOPLE], [SITUATIONS], [CIRCUMSTANCES], [CONDITIONS] you [ENCOUNTER] are only [PROPS] that [LIFE] uses to play out those [UNEXPRESSED EMOTIONS].
So there can be [ALL-CONSUMING HATRED] for [EVERYONE and EVERYTHING], which is actually just the REFLECTION of this [STRUCTURE], i.e. of the [LIGHT OF LIFE] passing through the [PRISM of these ACCUMULATIONS] causing the pattern you see projected on all [PEOPLE], [THINGS], [CIRCUMSTANCES, [SITUATIONS] and [CONDITIONS].
Our identification is a hiding, origins of dissociation/depersonalization/depression
When you BE some-[thing], you merge into it
You make that [thing] your substance
Now that [thing] is invisible to you
Because YOU ARE IT
Why do we think we are unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy, ugly, bad, evil?
Because we identify with BEING that.
That is why when parents treat the child badly or neglect/abuse it, the first thing the child identifies with is “I MUST BE BAD”.
Because the ego/social-identity is basically the ‘reflection of ourselves in the other at the formative age’.
And secondly, let’s say the child had a choice, to believe it is good and it is the parents who are evil. This is unbearable for the child and it is much easier to identify with being BAD/UNWORTHY/UNLOVABLE.
So that is why I think we identify with the VERY NEGATIVE ASPECT so that WE CAN GO BLIND TO IT (Total identification with something makes us blind to it and removes it from our consciousness).
Because to not identify with it would mean to actually be conscious and witness that harming relationship which is unbearably painful and horrific.
So this is a way of going unconscious/blind to the negative relationship to make things bearable.
Such a person may become an abuser himself (fully identified with the abuser) if he feels pride in that.
But now if we add the super-ego/conscience in that judges this as contemptuous act.
Now there is a double-bind created, leading straight to depression (depression is essentially a double bind causing the freeze response).
That is why, when a person begins to come out of depression, the first thing to arise is SEVERE RAGE/HATRED/ANGER/ABUSIVE TENDENCIES.
Because this is releasing one of the facets of the double bind, making it ok to feel angry, feel hate, be abusive, be vengeful (all the previously projected qualities), and so on.
Depression is the punishment of oneself for being reprehensible/bad.
So:
1st there is an identification with being bad.
2nd there is a super-ego that imposes that being bad is horrible.
3rd Now you hate yourself and punish yourself for being bad.
4th You attract relationships that do the same to you, and so you can get a break from abusing yourself and let the external abuser do the job for you.
Even in the case of childhood abuse, often the child identifies with the abuser itself
He may directly become an abuser to others if he feels that being the abuser is the right thing.
OR there is a more complicated case that can arise in case he sees the abuser as terrible. He may also identify with the abuser, but because he also thinks that is terrible, he would project it outside to the other.
So now such a child is “other” identified, because he is identified with the abuser but cannot be that because being the abuser is terrible, so he projects this behavior to the other and LIVES VICARIOUSLY through the other.
Since he lives VICARIOUSLY through the other, it is a DISSOCIATED identification, and from THAT DISSOCIATED ABUSER point of view he views his own former self as an OBJECT/OTHER.
So his own self has become an other, and now he lives through the lens of an abusive other outside of his body.
Generally the interesting conundrum I always had was that, if one is totally dissociated from one’s self, seeing the entire self as an object of one’s awareness, then what is the real identification with? What is the one looking at the self as an object?
I figured the one which is looking at the self as object IS the [Hyper critical rejecting parent/abuser/unsupportive/hating force itself etc.]
So basically such a person is identified with an out of body abuser pov and continuously subjects himself to the same treatment that the abusers gave him.
So this causes DEPRESSION/DEPERSONALIZATION.
So such a person when alone would abuse themselves[self as object] and derive pleasure from this, or attract an external abuser and live co-dependently through them.
That is why, when in an abusive relationship which he would inevitably attract, he would FOCUS all his attention on the abusive partner who is being himself (his abusive self with pride), and hate the partner, but still stay absorbed in hating him and never having the WILL to leave the relationship.
The reason he never leaves is because of resonance with the abusive partner, who is actually his own identification, but disowned because it is seen as terrible to be that.
So compared to the child that directly identifies pridefully with being an abuser, in the latter case, it is further removed and thus the person lives in a weak victim state (because he is so far away from his power, doubly removed).
You make that [thing] your substance
Now that [thing] is invisible to you
Because YOU ARE IT
Why do we think we are unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy, ugly, bad, evil?
Because we identify with BEING that.
That is why when parents treat the child badly or neglect/abuse it, the first thing the child identifies with is “I MUST BE BAD”.
Because the ego/social-identity is basically the ‘reflection of ourselves in the other at the formative age’.
And secondly, let’s say the child had a choice, to believe it is good and it is the parents who are evil. This is unbearable for the child and it is much easier to identify with being BAD/UNWORTHY/UNLOVABLE.
So that is why I think we identify with the VERY NEGATIVE ASPECT so that WE CAN GO BLIND TO IT (Total identification with something makes us blind to it and removes it from our consciousness).
Because to not identify with it would mean to actually be conscious and witness that harming relationship which is unbearably painful and horrific.
So this is a way of going unconscious/blind to the negative relationship to make things bearable.
Such a person may become an abuser himself (fully identified with the abuser) if he feels pride in that.
But now if we add the super-ego/conscience in that judges this as contemptuous act.
Now there is a double-bind created, leading straight to depression (depression is essentially a double bind causing the freeze response).
That is why, when a person begins to come out of depression, the first thing to arise is SEVERE RAGE/HATRED/ANGER/ABUSIVE TENDENCIES.
Because this is releasing one of the facets of the double bind, making it ok to feel angry, feel hate, be abusive, be vengeful (all the previously projected qualities), and so on.
Depression is the punishment of oneself for being reprehensible/bad.
So:
1st there is an identification with being bad.
2nd there is a super-ego that imposes that being bad is horrible.
3rd Now you hate yourself and punish yourself for being bad.
4th You attract relationships that do the same to you, and so you can get a break from abusing yourself and let the external abuser do the job for you.
Even in the case of childhood abuse, often the child identifies with the abuser itself
He may directly become an abuser to others if he feels that being the abuser is the right thing.
OR there is a more complicated case that can arise in case he sees the abuser as terrible. He may also identify with the abuser, but because he also thinks that is terrible, he would project it outside to the other.
So now such a child is “other” identified, because he is identified with the abuser but cannot be that because being the abuser is terrible, so he projects this behavior to the other and LIVES VICARIOUSLY through the other.
Since he lives VICARIOUSLY through the other, it is a DISSOCIATED identification, and from THAT DISSOCIATED ABUSER point of view he views his own former self as an OBJECT/OTHER.
So his own self has become an other, and now he lives through the lens of an abusive other outside of his body.
Generally the interesting conundrum I always had was that, if one is totally dissociated from one’s self, seeing the entire self as an object of one’s awareness, then what is the real identification with? What is the one looking at the self as an object?
I figured the one which is looking at the self as object IS the [Hyper critical rejecting parent/abuser/unsupportive/hating force itself etc.]
So basically such a person is identified with an out of body abuser pov and continuously subjects himself to the same treatment that the abusers gave him.
So this causes DEPRESSION/DEPERSONALIZATION.
So such a person when alone would abuse themselves[self as object] and derive pleasure from this, or attract an external abuser and live co-dependently through them.
That is why, when in an abusive relationship which he would inevitably attract, he would FOCUS all his attention on the abusive partner who is being himself (his abusive self with pride), and hate the partner, but still stay absorbed in hating him and never having the WILL to leave the relationship.
The reason he never leaves is because of resonance with the abusive partner, who is actually his own identification, but disowned because it is seen as terrible to be that.
So compared to the child that directly identifies pridefully with being an abuser, in the latter case, it is further removed and thus the person lives in a weak victim state (because he is so far away from his power, doubly removed).
Journey to the Abstract 