Bonding with ideals vs. real people

When mothers or fathers do not extend a bond to their children,
The children may create an “idealized fantasy parent” and then seek for a reflection of that in the world.
The reasons for why the mothers/fathers did not extend the bond could be related to their own past.
After all they too were children at one time, subject to parents who might have done the same to them, and so on.
The parents themselves might be victims of the same, pursuing an ongoing project of meeting an impossible ideal [parent imposed or self created (usually an oppositional reaction)] and redeeming themselves.
So like the game of passing the parcel, they pass on their own failed project to their children, who then either continue that or choose otherwise.

PS: The roles of parent and child are in a kind of looping rotation.
…Parent -> Child[Parent -> Child[Parent -> Child…

So this goes on and on in the threads of family lineage and genetics.
In such cases, each next generation gets wounded by the projection of the ‘previous generation ideals’ on them.
Then the next generation either make their own counter ideals or try to fulfill the projected ideals, and accordingly seek in the world.
For such family systems, whole threads of genetic lineage then live off an attachment system that is entirely ungrounded/disconnected and based in the imaginal/imaginary spaces of ‘fantasy/ideals/mythic creations’.
It is a kind of primal disconnection and dissociation from reality itself, by moving attachment to the imaginary rather than what actually exists.

This also has a close connection to idol (imaginary gods) worship,
Which is also based on projection of ideals.

When forming relationships/bonds, I’ve noticed there are 2 clear categories:
# The people who bond in reality/actuality
# The people who bond in idealization/imagination
I’ll talk about the 2nd category here.
When both the partners meeting each other have an attachment to their internal idealized figure, they start to project the ideal onto each other.
The agreement then is more like a fantasy role-play:
“You play my fantasy, and I will play yours.”

There are different relational dynamics that can happen from here.
One of them is:
One of the parties projects the ideal onto the other, and the other tries to live up to that to secure the bond.
Generally the one with the narcissistic wound will take it upon himself/herself to live up to the other’s ideal projection.
“If only I can improve myself, strive, and be good enough, to meet the other’s ideal, then I can secure my bond with them.”
The one projecting the ideal does so from some kind of primal entitlement that was somehow escaped the socialization process.
They are like the demanding baby that expects the whole world to come and serve their needs.

A relationship like this could work, if the fantasy projections are doable and somehow align (socialization generally tempers the ideals to realistic levels).
But most of the time, the ideals are intense and impossible.
In a way, by very definition, ideals are impossible right?
Reality is always something else.
So often in such relationships, there is alternating role play,
Of the projector and the adapter.
Both the parties wound each other’s real selves with each other’s ideals.

The bond is never secured from start to end.
However these relationships kindle the inner flames of longing, passion, intensity, purpose, hope and other such feelings.
In that sense they are like an adventure and gratify you with the above feelings.
They make you forget your pain of disconnection and lostness.
They are exciting but empty and illusory – like an extended more involving movie.

Imagine you were really thirsty and ran with full passion and joy towards a mirage in the desert.
This experience is something like that.
When you do reach the actual sand patch where the mirage was seen,
The water has disappeared, and now the mirage has receded to the horizon again.
This is how ideals are unsatisfiable and impossible.
Even the conception of these ideals keep shifting to more and more complex and impossible forms.
No depiction can fully capture the fantasy/ideal.

Various traumas and deprivations may be instrumental in what directions and forms these ideals take.
Ultimately we long for the infinite.
And when we focus this longing onto the realm of relationships,
The above patterns happen.
Relationships are a stepping stone and not the end goal itself.
If seen that way, and if both the partners are actually seeking god through the relationship,
The relationship will only raise them higher.

My wonder and fascination with relations

Since my earliest memory,
I have always had a deep wonder, curiosity, and fascination,
On the possibilities of relating with others.

Interacting with others felt like a great stage,
Participating in group dance or song,
Like a blending of minds creating great harmonies,
Grand tapestries and patterns of rich meaning.

I would imagine all the possibilities in fantasy/dreaming mostly,
With the actual reality serving more as the base context for their concoction.
If reality was “1” (the actuals), My imagination was “100+”(the possibilities).
Maybe “10” of those imaginations would fit under “appropriate”.
The rest would be out of bounds of appropriate social conduct.

This used to always perplex me,
About why so little happens in reality out of all the infinite possibilities.
About why so little was permitted, and why so much was not?
What decided what was allowed and disallowed?
I used to wonder and contemplate on this.

I never received much social conditioning in my early years,
So my mind/imagination was always open.
While approaching others in my early days,
I would be super open, innocent, with total trust.
Then I realized all the boundaries one by one,
And adapted myself to the socialization agreements.
But within me, even today, I am still as free as the wide open sky.
Nobody has ever given more freedom than I have given myself, by a very long shot.

The initial exploration period in my life,
Before the boundaries were understood,
Were some of my happiest times.
Because I experienced that inner sky like freedom expressing itself.
Once I understood the limits, then I reduced myself.
After understanding all the boundaries the hard way,
And due to my hyper restrictive outer environments in childhood,
I sort of became a bit of a recluse.
However the deep fascination I had in this field,
Led me to doing a lot of research and exploration,
And learning a lot in the process.

Nowadays, I test the waters by opening up a bit,
Setting an example, and seeing.
If the other does not open up as much, then I bring back the older boundaries.
Even if the other does not respond, I feel satisfied though,
That I have at least shown the possibility as an offer.
If the other from their side takes liberties with me, or extends interest,
That also frees me up to expand myself and extend a relationship to that extent.

My understanding:
# However I behave with the other,
I set an example/model to follow.
# However they behave with me,
They set an example/model to follow.
# Whatever topics I initiate, I open those doors.
# Whatever topics they initiate, they open those doors.

Decision making

Everything starts with acceptance.
Acceptance is the willingness to see things as they are.
It is the precursor and prerequisite for total seeing.
Acceptance is the precondition for “Action”.
Without acceptance your action is not a true action but a “Reaction”.

Then once the whole picture is seen for what it is,
Assessment and Evaluation can happen.
Possibilities and Probabilities can be investigated.
After covering all the realistic ones,
Even wild ones can be brainstormed and fantasized.

Then decisions can be made,
Based on what looks/feels best to you.

A fantasy of sex and union

Why can’t all women fully surrender,
And receive sex from all men unconditionally? freely?
Why can’t all men fully surrender,
And give sex to all women unconditionally? freely?
With no judgments, rules, restrictions, laws, and boundaries?
Why can’t we just live in an “endless orgy” until we leave this plane?
Why can’t everything just have sex with everything else all the time?
Why can’t there be limitless pleasure of libido?
Instead of it happening just for seconds at a time as the orgasm?
Why can’t everyone just be in an eternal orgasm?
Why can’t all control just end?
Why can’t everything just merge and flow as one?
With no concept of possession?
Where all “desire” is instantly received everywhere and instantly gratified?
Why can’t there be free-love everywhere?
Why can’t there be no disease, suffering, pain, resistance etc.?
Wish there was no such thing as self-preservation,
And its consequent emotions of disgust/fear/threat.
Wish everything just mingled into one flow/dance.
With the cohesion of water, and like a single emerging grand tapestry.
Where “everyone and everything” transforms “everyone and everything”.
And where everyone is part of the hologram, but identified with the whole hologram and its total play.

The seduction of social media images

Pictures are extremely limited information.
They are all porn and seductions.
They are all “A PART disguising itself as the WHOLE”.
The wholes/actuals/depths are millions of times vaster.
That is why, social media: facebook, tinder, twitter, linked in, blogs, instagram -> nothing really shows more than 0.01%.
It is all an alluring bait.
A carefully created MASK, to HIDE from and substitute for the whole ocean of the truth.
Taking the best parts(tapping the collective human fantasy coming from the collective shame, insecurities and illusions) and further heavenly-fying it [super enhanced 0.01%].
It is marketing, advertising, deception, masking, and it is conveying a specific message.
What is the picture that everyone is attempting to convey?
To advertise that their life is great, that they are secure, they know their shit, that they are sought-after, significant, popular, loved, admirable and worthy?
And people try to die into these socially created images, and lose themselves into it.
So that, this can serve as a perfect antidote/mask for all their shame and insecurities.
The origin of this is SHAME, both individual and collective.
I see it as a form of escapism and narcissism, all narcissism is after all rooted in the shame (the same root).
To narrow oneself into what is celebrated and acceptable, and disown all the other parts of oneself, and make-believe that image is all one is, and invest one’s whole life into this extraordinary limitation.

Talking to new sexual interests often diminishes the fantasy/lust

When talking to a person, you witness their context and their activity within it.
When only seeing a person, you only witness their body.
It leaves a hole of context, because you do not know anything else about them.
Therefore you can substitute this hole in context with your fantasy (fantasy is a context and the object is only the prop in it).
That is why often sexual desire can dissipate after talking to someone.
Because earlier, you would sharply objectify them and tie them to your fantasy context.
Now after talking to them, you witness their real context which displaces the fantasy context and ends the lust a lot of times.