The Schizoid/Split vs Depressive/Ambivalent position

Schizoid/Paranoid/Split —vs— Depressive/Ambivalent.
# Good and Bad objects are separate —–vs—– Good and bad objects are one.
# There is god and the devil —-vs—- There is only god who is both the angel and devil.
# There is a white paper with black dots to be eliminated —vs— There is white paper with black dots OR a black paper with white dots.
# Mother as good or tyrant based on specific behaviors —-vs—- Mother as randomly good or bad without my understanding/control.
# ‘World as rules driven’ hard right/wrong conception —-vs—- ‘World as mad’ conception
# AvPD, Schizoid, Autistic —–vs—– Fearful avoidant, Disorganized attachment, ADHD.
# Tyrant mother = Tyrant world (Fight/Flight) —–vs—– Crazy mother = Crazy random world (Freeze/Fawn)
# Catastrophic thinking —–vs—— Fantasy thinking.
# The desired object and feared object are separate in time —-vs—- The desired object and the feared object are one (accelerator and brake emotions on at the same time causing friction/resistance/suffering, causing hesitation/shyness).
# Splitting of self and object into good and bad —-vs—- Union of self and object into good and bad.
# [loving, gratifying] object vs. [frustrating, persecutory, hating] object as 2 distinct things —-vs—- Both of those mixed randomly in the same person.
# Binary logic (it is either fully A or B) —-vs—- It’s A, it’s B, it’s both A and B, it’s neither A nor B.

There is only consciousness, and there is only the work

There is no inside-outside.
There is no self-other.
There is no you-world.
There is no body-environment.
There is no voluntary-involuntary.
There is just the one.

All of these are distinctions made by the mind,
Like throwing a net from a boat into seamless sea water,
And then calling each square of the net a label.
We create mental maps and use them to control and navigate in our life.
But the map is distinct from the territory.
The map is the lens through which we view the territory.
The territory is one undivided ocean of consciousness.

Reality/Territory appears to us as experience,
Based on how we see it through the maps of our mind.
Each map is a perspective.
And the multiple maps you carry in your mind,
Are like multiple perspectives to see the territory.
But the territory itself is like an unbounded kaleidoscope,
And it contains all of what all of the maps reveal.

We think we are born and we die.
But it is only the persistent appearance that dies.
In fact if you observe each moment,
Things are continuously arising and passing.
We see events because of our lack of vision.
When anything is seen very minutely,
We see that things happen in a continuous stream (continuum).

If life is the bird, its 2 wings are creation and destruction.
Our experience is like a continuous music in time.
Life on earth in the body is the theme of the music now.
This theme will shift and another kind of music may play,
Once the physiological process is completed.

So one very broad perspective of looking at this is:
There is only you and your karma unfolding.
The true completion of your birth,
Is when you complete the karma of the birth.
From this perspective – there are no situations/people/places,
Rather there is just an appearance to work with, whatever it appears as.

How does one complete karma?
In my understanding, it is by transformation.
We penetrate the darkness that surrounds our lives with our light,
And transform it.
We do this until we fulfill the potential (desire) in this birth,
And attain integration, enlightenment, and wholeness.
Then another cycle might begin in the next.

Consciousness creates its own darkness,
Filled with puzzles and possibilities (maya),
And then opens up a point of light (awareness),
With the desire to keep expanding its sphere of reach.

The vampire mother conversation with her child

I brought you up as insurance for my ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’, 
So that you will bring me that ‘pleasure entertainment meaning security’ I always lacked, 
And now after all that work I did (with this promise in mind),
I am disappointed that you are so useless in bringing me any of that.

I wasted my time and energy bringing you up.
After all the humongous efforts I put into bringing you up,
You turned out to be this rubbish.
Now I am regretful, and feel bitter, and resentful.
I look at you with scorn, contempt, and disgust.
I look at you like a failure,
Because you failed me.

You failed to fulfill my own unfulfilled desires,
So that I could live them vicariously through you.
You did not follow the script I gave you,
So that I could hitch-hike my meaning off your life’s ride,
Without the burden of responsibility which I so abhor.

I created you, I own you, you are like an extension of me,
And you turned out to be this abomination.
Don’t you feel guilty for not dedicating every second of your life to pleasing me?
Isn’t that a crime against your mother? Aren’t you ashamed?

Even if you gave up your whole life to serve me,
You could never pay off the infinite debt you owe me,
Because I gave birth to you, and brought you up.
You were helpless at that time, and I DID everything for you.
Nothing you ever do will repay that.

The least you can do now is enslave yourself to my wishes/desires.
Anyway you will never even come close to fulfilling my impossibly large fantasies,
But at least I will look at you with pity and contempt.
Oh this pathetic fool is trying so hard to please even though he is failing so hard.
I will watch you humiliate yourself, because my face will continuously show disapproval.
Nobody can please me because I want the impossible.
I hate myself, and so I will hate you too,
Because you are just an extension of me right.

Anyways whatever you do in life,
I will make sure to poison it.
Because I do the same for myself too.
I will scapegoat you, blame you, and make you responsible,
For everything wrong with my life.
You are the cause of all of my misery,
And now you are obligated to make me feel good.
I will use you as a trash can for dumping all of my frustrations.
And you cannot say no, because how dare you!,
I gave birth to you, and brought you up,
So you bloody well listen to me and give me solace in return.
Then once I’m done, I’ll kick you off and pursue something else more entertaining,
Rather than spending more time seeing my own hated self reflected in you.

You handle your own problems,
But all my problems are yours.
Because if I had free time,
Why would I listen to you and your woes?
I’d rather watch TV.
Because I gave birth to you only so that you could be my helper robot.
You are here to solve my problems,
You are here to make my unmanageable crisis-filled messed-up life easy,
It’s not the other way, you understand.
I will do a shoddy job at everything, and crib, complain, blame,
And you will have to swallow all of that.
You solve your own shit, and solve my shit too.
When I’m bored with you or if I feel you are boring me,
I’ll ask you to get lost.
Why? Because you are here only for my entertainment.
If you are boring me, then I want you out of my sight.

I will say whatever hurtful thing I want to say,
But if you later ever bring it up,
I will simply deny it and call it all your vivid imagination (gaslighting).
And since I have such an impeccable social image,
Everyone will think you are the one lying.
You will shoot yourself in the foot.
So take the abuse without a sound.

You will give me all the validation that I did not receive outside.
You will maintain my grandiose illusions about myself,
And it is your duty to keep reinforcing them to me.
Keep telling me ‘you are great, you are great…’,
Else, I will unleash my wrath on you,
Because how dare you?
I gave birth to you, I own you, and I did so much for you.
You can never repay me anyway.
So you are infinitely indebted.
You are in no position to ever say ‘no’.

Even if you stop talking to me, I would not care,
Because I will still speak to you in a one-way direction,
And you will have to hear since you cannot really close your ears.
I will assume the relationship is still there,
And act like nothing is wrong and keep the unidirectional monologue with you.
Why? Because I gave birth to you, so this relationship is for granted,
You cannot break it or choose to opt out.
Whenever I want, if you are around my sight,
I will freely dump whatever I want on you.
Anyway, that is the kind of child I want,
The silent listener who will only hear and not speak back.
It is great if you are not on talking terms with me in fact.
Because then I can happily fire one way at an unconditional receiver.

Some insights on love

What is desired is love itself,
The light/the space/the being/the vibe of that state.
The forms it takes are its celebration/expression.

Every action that any being does can be traced back to that.
The whirlpool/vortex/process of one’s life is the journey back to source.
Desire/Interest/Passion is the direction/process/verb,
Love is like the destination/noun/horizon.

We are all the universal heart and universal mind,
Beneath our own hearts and minds.
To serve others is to serve our deeper selves.
A visionary lives alone in the deeper spaces/depths,
And acts as a vortex to draw interested others closer,
Acting as a representative and doorway to those heights/depths.

When it comes to myself:
Everything that I do is from love.
Everything that I do not do is from the absence of that.
For instance: My love for this blog,
Is from my love for clarity/distillation (extraction)/expression,
Creativity/documentation (logging/recording)
Higher truth/reasoning/insight/knowledge,
To weave tapestries of meaning/to connect bridge everything.

Complete Silence/Disinterest/Neutrality/Shunya,
Is the space where you see yourself.
Because all creation is made up of sound/reverberation.
So silence is the perfect mirror that makes us feel ourselves.

To connect with an other is to connect with what they love.
Everything that a person does is a reflection of what they love/value.

To depend on others for love,
Simply means you do not love those things enough.
So they are enhancing those aspects for you.
While what you love which they don’t,
Enhances those aspects for them.

In a deeper sense,
You are what you love.

Before people can love “you”,
They would love your works/emanation/scent,
And love what you represent etc.
Because your works are the outcomes/outpourings of your love,
And therefore they would serve as roads to lead them to you.

The experience of emptiness (the emotion),
Is to experience the lack of love.
In the sense, the love that is present in you,
Is too little to sustain/empower your body and mind enough,
To stay in a state of well being and coherence.

Very broadly speaking:
Love = Desire = Interest = Passion = Purpose = Pursuit.

Identity, Desire, and Memory

‘Identity’ with ‘Memory’ spawns ‘Desire’.
Memories are like accumulations.
They can be at different levels.
They add on top of each other like a multi-storey building

Our original identity is “LIFE/SPIRIT”,
The formless intelligence that simply IS (Pure being).
This identity then mixed with memory at various levels.
Pure Life/Spirit channeled through [Identity with Memory] = Spawns Desire/Force.
Like how electricity is first channeled through your laptop power supply,
And then through all the laptop’s hardware produces its output.

RULE: All force is generated through structure.
So every structure, when identified with, empowers it with spirit,
And spirit begins functioning THROUGH that structure, manifesting as desire/force.
Desire therefore can be seen as a modification of spirit passing through a memory/structure due to identification with it.

Approximately here are the different levels of memory:
(Identifications with these memories can build on top of each other,
And create corr. desire forces)

Spirit/life = true identity (operates at a level of freedom outside memory)
M1 = Soul karmic memory = Desire 1(D1)
M2 = Evolutionary memory = Desire 2(D2)
M3 = Cultural/Ancestry-Genetic memory = Desire 3(D3)
M4 = Family/Social Conditioning memory = Desire 4(D4)
M5 = Personality memory = Desire 5(D5)
M6 = Mental memory = Desire 6(D6)
M7 = Emotional memory = Desire 7(D7)
M8 = Sensory memory = Desire 8(D8)

So if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5+M6+M7] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all those structs,
And you get the conscious desire of D8.

Alternatively, if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all of those,
Giving you the conscious desire of D6.

In degree of vastness,
D1 is infinitely vaster than D6.
Every subsequent desire is nested in its higher desire as a possibility.
You can say [M1,D1], [M2,D2] etc. are [structure->forces] residing in their corresponding dimensions.
The entire lower dimension is from one of the structures in the higher dimension.

The dimensions are linked like a chain.
Coming from the source [which is life/spirit],
And building up from M1 to M8, like a multi-storey building.

All transformation is from the intervention of a higher dimension on a lower one,
And this goes on until we finally reach the unfathomable identification with infinite intelligence/life/spirit/pure consciousness itself.
Once this station has been reached,
It sets all of the other dimensions completely free.

Your freedom, degree of freedom, or potential for freedom,
Depends on which dimension your conscious identity is residing in.

The reflections from others

Every other is a kind of mirror,
Where their behavior towards us,
Reflects how they see us.

How real the reflection is,
And how much we are reflected,
And how selective or whole it is,
Is based on how much the other desires to truly see at all.

Not many desire to truly see things.
Some folk are almost entirely manipulative,
In which case, they see very little of you,
And exaggerate whichever aspect they deem,
Will help them achieve their vested interests,
Which maybe unconnected to you.
This kind of seeing is subservient to their vested interest.
So when that interest is over, the seeing of you will also end,
And they will direct that seeing to their next interest.
Any manipulator always works off a seed of truth.
But the rest of the fruit is usually fabricated fluff.
When this is done consciously, it is called manipulation.
When this is done unconsciously, it is called madness.
But even in the former case,
Conscious manipulation does serve a deeper unconscious madness.

We like to gravitate towards reflections,
That portray us as being lovable and wonderful.
We like to seek people who reflect aspects of ourselves,
That we ourselves love/like/value/cherish,
Which is based on the structures of our beliefs and identifications.

We cannot see who we are,
We can only see our reflection as a perceivable graspable object.
So this attachment to reflections,
Is a subset of attachment to objects(abstract) themselves.

Every person reflects us in their own way,
Setting up a unique dance/music of interaction in time,
Between us and them.
All of these comprise the riches of life.

Duality is the Cyclic-engine that moves in Great time


The wheels of your car go round and round.
The steering wheel turns side to side, back and forth.
The pedals of your car are pressed and unpressed.
The gears of your car cycle through their various positions.
The pistons in the engine of your care move up and down.
The crank shaft keep rolling.
The windows roll and move the glass up and down.
If you see everything about the working of your car is cyclic.

The relative non-cyclic aspect of the car is you the driver.
You may take it to various places.
Similarly, in existence too,
“Samsara = The great wheel = Cyclic time = Serves Maha-kala/non-cyclic time/the great time.
You could say “The great time” is the transcendent aspect of intelligence that RIDES the “cycles of samsara/cyclic time”.

Another analogy would be the cells in your body,
All have a cycle of existence right?
The cells reproduce, new cells are born,
The old ones pass away, the new ones reproduce again…and so on.
Each of these trillion cells is in a way serving you.
You are like the driver of the “Car”, build out of these cells.

The cyclic existence engine serves the the non-cyclic intelligence.
Samsara serves Nirvana.
Our birth-death is also a cycle/circle.
There is a seed that germinates into a tree,
Then the tree passes away,
And the seed once again sprouts when the season is right.
Spring = Birth/childhood
Summer = Adulthood
Autumn = Old age
Winter = Death
So birth and death can also be seen like a pendulum swing of life energies.
The great flight of birth and its crash of death.
LAW: “What learns from the cycle is always that which is beyond the cycle.”
Because a cycle is zero-sum.
So it can be deduced, that we may go through these cycles repeatedly until that which is beyond the cycle wakes up.
After that that which is beyond which has woken up is transcendent of the cycle it was in earlier.

Cells in each part of our body,
Channel a certain portion of body intelligence,
And perform a certain function(s).
Similarly it seems like each of us,
Channel a portion of the collective intelligence,
And perform a certain function.
What you are channeling can be felt in the form of your desires.
Your desires/inspirations are the driving force of your instrument.
The life energy descends and ascends alternately,
From form to formless…
The heart of the earth is pulsing humans in and out of existence,
As birth and death, with influx-deflux.

Also each desire force works within a polarity.
The diseased person desires and seeks health.
The poor person desires and seeks riches.
The intensity of this seeking is proportional,
To how deep he has polarized on either end.
The 2 ends go together.
So each desire has its own cycle,
Between the 2 poles of the duality-pair.
Duality pairs such as:
poverty-riches, disease-health, ignorance-knowledge and so on.
The pendulums keep swinging.

Desire therefore seems to be cyclic in its very nature.
Because desire for X implies X’.
And intensity of desire implies magnitude of X’.
For instance:
The more deep you are in suffering, the more deeply you desire joy.
So if someone is deeply craving joy, you can intuit how much he is suffering.
This is relative too.
For instance:
If you have seen -100, then you are seeking +100.
Whereas if you have only seen -20, then you are probably only seeking +20.
But if the whole cycle is seen, it is zero sum.

Maybe that is why the scriptures keep pointing to desirelessness.
Because desires are also identification with cycles.
Technically, transcendence is not desirelessness,
But it is moving to a higher order desire.
For instance, the planetary desire if we could sense it,
Would be far higher than our personal desire.

Life drive vs Death drive

Desire for activity vs Desire for quiescence
Desire for sound vs Desire for silence
Seeking social expansion vs. Retreating from social interaction
[Family children relatives friends business work expansion] vs [retreat recluse hermit isolation ascetic]
Becoming/learning vs Withdrawing/fading
Descent(into form) vs Ascent(back into formless)
Health(body wanting to live) vs disease(body wanting to die)
[High amplitude cycles of wake-dream-sleep] vs Near flat-lining of these cycles
Interest/passion/libido/hedonia vs Disinterest/dispassion/anhedonia
Exploration/Expansion vs Contraction/Self preservation

Individual and Society

I will be using some Jungian terms here.
Individual = Personal conscious = Individual light.
For this, there is a corresponding: Personal unconscious = Individual shadow.

There is:
Society = Collective conscious = Collective light.
And a corresponding: Collective unconscious = Collective shadow.
Another related aspect is – Collective karma and Personal karma.

Each culture/societal organization operates with a certain gravity.
Like how the gravity of the nucleus of the atom holds together the orbital electrons.

The actors, celebrities, stars, sportsmen, iconic figures, business magnates, politicians, etc. i.e. all of which that are considered, deemed, and celebrated as success, form the nucleus of society.
The regular consumers and citizens of society, go around this nucleus like electrons.
If there is no other powerful gravity center influencing them, then the society gravity controls their desires/emotions/actions, and pulls them towards its nucleus.
That is why, the driving force of most people is to rise the pyramid of status and popularity, to reach the nucleus of society, where instead of them revolving around society, society revolves around them, and they are in the power position.