The reject first pattern – active vs passive approach

The active approach (in second person narration):
Whenever you want, you create/resurrect the relation,
Whenever you want, you terminate it.
You want the power to control/direct/create/destroy/determine relationships.
So that you are never in that position again,
Where you land up with rejection from the other side,
Without any power to make them want or desire you,
Where you are fully open, yet abandoned, 
Like what happened in childhood.
Because you were perceived to be unlikeable/unlovable/ugly/unworthy/disappointing?
So that you are never abandoned again without your control,
You do the reject-first strategy and do the abandonment preemptively by yourself.
In a way, you inflict the same punishment onto the other (and to yourself) that you felt was inflicted on you.
The reasoning is:
“If I expect that you will reject me, I’d rather reject first,
So that what is anyways inevitable is something I perform consciously,
Rather than it coming and hitting me from behind unexpectedly and shockingly out of the blue.
If I consciously expect it, and preemptively inflict it on myself and the other,
Then I will not get hurt again like that, and it’ll therefore be much less painful.”

So the guiding force of this behavior is a certainty wrt. the expectation of rejection/abandonment.
That is, of people ultimately being disappointed/angry/frustrated with you and leaving/abandoning you.

All of the above is the active approach.
But there is also a passive approach.
There are 2 strategies to deal with rejection, forming a polarity:
Passive —– Active
The active one seeks to start and end relations as per their own whim – seduce/idealize then devalue/abandon.
The passive one lives alone in receptivity, and let what comes come, and let what goes go.
He does not seek what he needs/desires/wants, but lets everything come to him by the other’s seeking of their needs/desires/wants.

It is like:
# The Bee —–vs—– the Flower.
# Power —–vs—- Receptivity.
# Male (or rejected female) —–vs—– Female (or male with suppressed/inhibited will)
# Outward looking eyes —–vs—– Inward looking eyes
# Extroverted consciousness —-vs—– Introverted consciousness
# Things will come to you if you seek for it —-vs—- Things will come to you by what you are.
# Projection —-vs—- Introjection (of the same essential rejection theme)
# I will use everything (appearance of selfishness)  —-vs—- I will get used by everything (appearance of selflessness)
# I am perfect, others must change —-vs—- I must change, others are perfect.
# Change the environment to suit you —vs—- Change the self to suit the environment.
# Inner rigidity, Outer mobility —-vs—– Inner mobility, Outer rigidity
# Borderline —-vs—— Narcissist
# Unconscious of self, Conscious of others —-vs—– Conscious of self, Unconscious of others.
# Controlling others, leaving self uninhibited —-vs—- Controlling one’s own desires, self inhibited.

Both are narcissistic wounds in essence and reactions to the same root condition:
# I will be what I am, not change anything, and rather search for the one who will love me unconditionally —-vs—- I am not good enough, and must make myself worthy, so that then everyone will come to me.
Both of these are opposite polarizations of the same theme, and therefore will tend to get attracted to each other and play out the dance.
The attraction is because of the same root similarity and resonance of the theme of rejection. 
They are just the 2 opposing ways of dealing with the same dilemma,
From the same magnet with its 2 opposite poles.

Boundary violations in relationships

There are 2 poles to this:
Incoming boundary violation —– Distancing boundary violation.
The oppressor —and—- The abandoner.
The bully —and—- The hermit

The two are many a time a sort of a response to each other.
The one expecting incoming boundary violation, preemptively distances himself.
The one expecting distancing, pushes in as rapidly(oppressively) as possible.

In the extreme case of distancing, it would feel like the movie “I am legend” i.e. ambushed in a house by millions of zombies wanting to eat you up.
In the extreme case of the pursuer kind of person, they would get desperate and cling to every last straw of possible relation. Like a hungry hunter lost in the forest, and where every animal he tries to catch outruns him.

The distancing kind of relationship person is caused by trauma and fear of enmeshment.
The pursuer/chaser kind of relationship person is caused by trauma and fear of abandonment.

Another analogy for empathizing with these 2 positions = Police and the Thief.
The police chases, while the thief runs.
So we have a chaser and a runner.
Hell for the runner = having a million people chasing him everywhere.
Hell for the chaser = having a million runners but all faster than him.

For the distancer person, it is like hiding in a cave.
Since he actively avoids all relationship with any animals, the animals entering the cave to have a relationship with him would mostly be predators right? Who would sniffed have him from the outside itself and then entered the cave.
So this then reinforces the idea that the world is predatory, to the distancer person.

For the chaser person, they are like the starved-hungry wild animal,
Ready to devour anything in sight because they are super hungry, but every animal runs away from them.

The chaser person is essentially in a state of being starved.
While the distancer person is essentially in a state of being food-poisoned.
So both of them are living in 2 separate hells.
But they attract each other from being denizens of the same hell polarity.

Are you sure you want to be healed/cured/healthy?

Lets really dive deep into this matter.
Everyone assumes that their desire is always for a greater, better, and nicer life filled with health, vitality, exuberance, joy, prosperity, and riches.
That is the collective assumption each person holds about their innermost motivations.
But really? Are you sure? Have you ever REALLY looked inside and asked yourself if that is what you really want?
Maybe you want to be sick? Maybe you want to be seriously sick? Maybe you want to punish yourself to death? Maybe you want to end this entire life, that is commit suicide (suicide as an attitude, not the act per say)? Do you want to live a ‘living death’?
Is your innermost motivation to die? and facilitate dying in every possible way by constantly attracting severe and hostile circumstances to your life?
This may sound morbid, but the truth can be quite eye-opening if this is really examined without ASSUMING stuff just because it sounds normal or good.
Do you really want to get alright? OR Is there much more going on than just simply believing that?

Lets consider the 2 basic orientations:
Life drive ——————- Death drive
Life drive moves towards enhancing life while fearing death.
Death drive moves towards enhancing death while fearing life.
In a way both are orientations based on fear of the opposite.

I’ll speak about a few cases here.
In childhood, were you the spoilt child or the lost child?
Spoilt child —————- Neglected child
The spoilt child lets say becomes a narcissist, which means there is great love for the ‘self’ (whatever structure it has formed), and there is a desire to enhance the self at all costs even if it means sacrificing and destroying others.
The child then endlessly looks for ways of self-aggrandizement, glorification, beautification, and better survival OR he may become a fire-starter, notorious, attract negative attention etc.
Why? Because they value that structure of self so much.
This is actually an internalization of the “positive or negative parent attention” that was received.
Even if his life circumstance becomes terrible, he may wish for the destruction of the world and other people, create justified rage for everything(rage = anger, and anger cannot be there, unless there is desire, and desire cannot be there unless there is love(in this case for the self)).
However, he would still work towards preserving and enhancing himself to the hilt from the love of the self-image.

The profoundly neglected child on the other hand receives no parental attention at all.
It tends to develops a self that acts more like a martyr and also operates in a primary mood of despair.
The despair of having to put in a bunch of efforts to constantly survive in order to protect a worthless self anyway.
The profoundly neglected child may get burnt out later from all his martyrdom, and then retreat more and more into hermetic isolation with profound hatred/detachment towards everyone and everything.
The deeper truth about this is that, the parental rejection of him/her in childhood has been internalized as the self (phantom critic self) which then subjects the ‘real self’ to the same neglect and hostile attitude(of endless deprivation, slow poisoning, condemnation and punishment).
The message internalized is “We dont want you, nobody needs you here, you are a waste, you don’t deserve to exist, why don’t you just die and relieve us of the burden of having you around?”

Let’s talk more about the latter case.
Because narcissistic personalities abound in society and have been studied quite a bit.
But what has not received attention in my opinion are the silent people on the periphery living on the boundary between life and death – the profoundly neglected folk.

It does not matter how smart or erudite they may seem.
In fact more often than not, they are extremely knowledgable and intelligent too.
They become so, from all their efforts to overcome their own impossible inner critic.
The death drive(internalized phantom self critic), drives them to the height of accomplishment, but no amount of accomplishment is remotely enough for the death drive to be released.
That is why they are just assaulted from every direction with a sense of hopelessness, abandonment, isolation, despair, futility, pain no matter what they do, all of which only serves as distractions from avoiding the true harshness of their underlying condition.
It may lead to:
– compulsive isolation (because that is the only thing that feels safe), daydreaming, fantasy
– OR compulsive busyness
– OR martyrdom in the form of service for others
– OR belief in some kind of myth like “knowledge will free me” or “perfection in obeying laws is the answer” etc.
– OR may become a pleasure seeker.
There are different ways of coping with this condition, but the underlying cause is from “internalization of the rejecting neglecting other (parental figures or caregivers etc.)”
Nothing can redeem the ‘fallen self’ from the eyes of this ‘critical phantom self’. This phantom self is ruthlessly punishing and tormenting – so much, that the only real wish of the living self is for death which sets up the death drive.

So, if your condition is of the ‘neglected rejected self’ and if your ‘internalized myths’ are similar, then “failure = success”.
Changing your diet, lifestyle, doing yogic practices, exercise, herbs etc. whatever you do may not really REMOVE this shape shifting tyrannical monster that torments you from within.
Because the origin of the condition is from the MYTHIC level of consciousness.
Find out the root of your self-rejection.
It takes immense courage to face up to it, because all the other stuff actually is more of a distraction and patch-work compared to the true work of understanding the matrix of your own innermost intentions.