Category: Insight

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Reflections on my life experience now

wave

I am not able to understand anything totally.
All my ‘intellectual grasps’ are like views from high points of different waves arising in the ocean.
What is the ocean itself?
The more I inquire I see that I am not perception at all.
I am deep sleep itself, the cessation, the void, the unmanifest, from which manifest-conscious arises like a wave and passes back.

This is a time in my life where the ocean does not have any 1 continuous wave, but rather has 100s of waves arising and passing.
Each time, my “perception” arises out of the wave, as a relationship between the wave and the ocean, and then returns to the ocean in deep sleep again.
The ocean is the true fount of my creativity, it creates waves of creative-impulse/inspiration that rise up as manifest-consciousness and after that return to the unmanifest.
The wave is a new creative thought/form/relationship/connection/theme/frame/theory/idea/insight.

It seems like perception and separation are connected because perception is always a relationship.
No relationship = ONE = Union = No perception = A void.

I see a continuous BIPOLAR state in me:
Wildly and quickly oscillating, waxing-waning, coming-going, rising-falling, empowering-disempowering, bright-dark, energetic-dull, free-afflicted.
This strong cycling of dualities makes visible the emptiness and non-essence of all of it.
I am neither depressed nor happy, neither free nor afflicted, neither interested nor bored.
Each is a state of consciousness, a state of the wave’s relationship to the ocean.
When the ocean emits the wave = it creates the positive emotion from the wave’s point of view.
When the ocean pulls back the wave = it create the negative emotion from the wave’s point of view.

Essentially, it is the attachment to the ‘States of consciousness (SOCs)’ that is being tested.
The attachment results in [pleasure+fear] in the rise cycle, and [pain+longing] in the fall cycle.
I realize that my desire is for the WAVE itself and its point of view vs. flatlining into the ocean.
The waves/cycles have also been intense and narrow for me, which causes a mild psychosis like feeling.
The intense creative activity of mine is showing that I am operating very close to ocean.
That is why there is the constant alternation between the ‘end of me’ and the ‘me arising each time differently from a new inspiration’.
I have not had any continuous long-range inspiration at this stage of life nor in this life in general.

We move away from god/unmanifest in an inbreath – wave rising.
We move towards god/unmanifest in an outbreath – wave falling.
My life experience now is more like a series of short-waves, flutter breaths (rapid extremely shallow in-out breaths).
It is like like living 1000s of lives in one life, in very rapid cycles.

I realize my attachments are much more abstract than I thought.
I cling to the peaks of the cycle, and try to increase its dynamic range, i.e. I try to make the lights brighter, and the darks darker.
Each arising wave is like an upsurge of inspiration that separates me from the ocean and allows separation/perception/consciousness/relationship, which is what I desire.
This is my WILL to be, my WILL to exist, my WILL to rise and live as a wave.
So I then try to hold on to these inspirations as far as possible.
This is why there is this continuous clinging present.

It is like living a new character in a new movie everyday, and each time you continuously cling to the movie, because you do not want it to end.
It is like struggling to be born, because various desires push our a wave of birth/inspiration, but they only last a day at most and return to the ocean.
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Perception is holographic

hologramperception

Perception is always of a relationship.
The relationship between ‘You’ and the ‘Object’.
But your relationship to an object, is really your ‘relationship’ to the ‘relationship to all other objects’.
Because the definition of any object is itself = its relationship to all other objects.
The object is like a crystal ball that shows you its relationship to all other objects, which becomes the object itself.
So the more object relationships, and object relationship networks you know, all that adds to the detail of the single object you are perceiving right now.
So knowledge(of relationships to a set of objects say) enhances your perception of all other objects.
This is because in that object, crystal ball, you see your own knowledge reflected from its point of view, disguising itself as the object itself.
That is why perception itself is holographic.

A hologram is always whole, right?
Similarly consciousness is always whole.
When you were a child, consciousness was the same whole essence, right?
Now as an adult, the consciousness is the same whole, is it not?
What has really changed?
The difference is in memory and knowledge.
And this makes you see a lot more in every single object.
Because all this memory and knowledge is reflected back to you through your perception of each and every object, which does not exist as such, and is only a reflection of its relationship to all other objects.
So when we talk about the whole field of consciousness, it always exists.
It is like a perception of an unbounded holographic space.
As you grow up, what is added here is a lot more detail, clarity, more objects, and more relationships = conventionally referred to as memory and knowledge.
But the fundamental unbounded consciousness is still the same whole, albeit with a lot more detail, distinction, clarity, and richness.
It is like moving from a blurry video of 144p in youtube and progressively increasing the clarity until 4k is reached.
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Memory creation and fading

As life moves, there are various possibilities:
Inbreath stage: Sunrise: Childhood
1. New memories are made much more rapidly, than the fading of the old memories = birth, becoming, forming, progress, ascent.
Holding stage: Daytime: Adulthood
2. New memories are made at the same rate, as the fading of old memories = balance, plateau, steadiness, refinement.
Outbreath stage: Sunset
3. New memories are made at a much slower rate, while fading of old memories is happening rapidly = ripening, descent, reverie, nostalgia, retreat.
Vacuum stage: Nighttime
4. Neither is any new memory formed, nor is any old memory faded = Statis, Sleep, Death, total withdrawal.

It swings like a pendulum:
Losses ——|—— Gains
Death ——|——- Life
Dissolution —-|—- Formation
Sleep —–|—– Waking
Nighttime —-|—- Daytime
Outbreath —-|—- Inbreath

This is the life cycle that can be seen at all scales of form:
Like look at a banana. A time lapse of its life.
As it [emerges, becomes full size, ripens, rots].
Even the process of digestion mirrors this pattern.
[intake, break down, extraction, excretion]
Every birth-death is a cycle.

Now the question would be, if this is all a cycle, it is zero sum, what is the gain?
Yes, a cycle by itself is 0 sum.
The logic here is, the gain derived from living through any cycle always lies beyond the cycle.
The part of you that is beyond this cycle, that is the part that gains from the cycle.
The gain lies not in the cycle, but beyond it.
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Your conceptual mind functions holographically

Let us understand a few basics about holograms that would apply here:
1. Holograms are as the name suggests, always whole.
2. Every part of the hologram contains the whole.
3. The additional elements of the hologram only add ‘detail’, but the inherent same wholeness is carried by all the parts.
4. For example if you cut a hologram into half, then both the halfs that would result from would contain the same whole albeit in less detail.

From what I’ve read, our entire brain works like a hologram.
Even if you take away half of the brain, the wholeness of consciousness stays, only the details are lost.
So this validates another concept that resonates with me that the brain and body are only FOCUSING instruments of the potentials of consciousness.
Something like a channeling or focusing instrument.
Like putting a slide in front of the projector light that projects the image on the slide.
The ‘slide image’ is like our body and brain.
Suppose the ‘slide image’ gets smudged, then the projector light will still shine through the slide, but it would create a really hazy and blurry image.
The source of consciousness is like the projector light, and it shines through the body and projects our experiences.
Like how electricity is everywhere, but our device channels it in a certain way to produce a certain output, similarly, our body focuses the light of consciousness in a certain way, much like a prism or diamond diffracts white light entering it.

I read somewhere that in certain kinds of autism, the person cannot form abstract concepts at all.
For instance, he cannot comprehend the full concept of what a dog is.
That part of the brain does not capture the “Conceptual Image” of dog.
So when you say dog, he can recall 10s of particular images of different dogs, but he cannot understand ‘dog’ as an abstract concept.
This means that, that part of his brain is unable to FOCUS the “abstract conceptual image” of a dog.
So what this example conveyed to me was that, our conceptual mind is a certain abstract structure in our brain that focuses and sees the ‘abstract concepts’ in the particulars. The recognition of the ‘dog concept’ when looking at the particular/literal dog.
This conceptual imaging part of our brain, works holographically, and brings into focus these abstract conceptual images.
Only once these are perceived in the first place by this part, can memories be stored and recalled.
Once the GENERIC concept is captured, all specific/particular knowledge and details learned/gained thereafter only add to the detail of the concept image, but not to the intrinsic qualia/wholeness of what was perceived (just like the hologram).

That is why in spiritual circles, the concept of awakening and initiation abounds.
Because the part of you that sees the forest in the trees has to be awakened, in a far larger context than your day to day conceptual mind.
Moving from literals to the daily conceptual mind itself is in itself a huge evolutionary jump and an awakening.
The awakening of the symbolic/metaphysical/archetypal/mythological/theological/soul level of mind is another jump of evolution.
Only after this is awakened can such symbols, motifs, themes, and super abstract ideas even be cognized/perceived/recognized.
And it is only after they are perceived first, can they be stored(memory), named, and spoken about.

The spectrum is basically from:
Literal —literal mind—-daily conceptual mind—-symbolic metaphysical mind— Abstract
Like to see a picture you need to stand far enough back for your vision-frame to contain it.
If you are too close you only see pixels and you cannot see the ‘picture’.
So there are different vertical heights of vision possible.
A person at a very high height of perception is called a visionary.
Similarly a person at a very low height of perception is a very literal focused person.

Seeing the forest in the trees, and seeing a picture in the pixels, happens not by the same part of the mind that perceived the trees or pixels, but by a dimensionally higher qualitatively different part of the mind.
Concepts reside in the 5th dimension, in the plato’s world of eternal forms.
So it is all RECOGNITION.
You only recognize the higher form with the cue of the literal form.
All lower forms are only representational cues that point and thereby connect you to the higher forms.
The literal objects we see are shadows of the higher dimensional concepts in the 5D plato’s world of forms.
They are only a representational cue or aid of the higher dimensional perception.
For instance, how does a child learn language?
Isn’t it all words pointing to words?
All words are empty by themselves and they only point to the child’s direct experiences/perceptions/recognitions.
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The intention of my blog posts

How many faces can you see in this picture?

facespuzzle

Each face represents a certain way of seeing, isn’t it?
My blog posts are something like that.
They are cues/pointers/symbols for various forms of seeing, perspectives, heights of perception, and various intelligences.
The intention of my blog posts is to “awaken perspectives” and “meta-cognition”.
As the title of my blog suggests, I myself am journeying to the abstract.
So, it is like, as I ascend to the sky like a hot-air balloon, I contemplate and reflect on what I see, and take various snapshots of different views and share it here as a kind of art.
My posts are not absolutes but are more like art pieces/snapshots from various heights of perception.
Though my posts can, at times, appear to be all around the place, in the larger sense, they mirror my own journey and evolution.
So I expect that the posts may get more ethereal with time.
But I never know.

The posts are not intended to replace your current point of view, rather, they are various forms of art/seeing/exercises that I share, to awaken/clarify/enrich that level of your own intelligence/height of perception.
Like how one learns addition in math, not by by-hearting 2+2=4, 4+4=8 etc., but by solving various kinds of addition problem exercises.
Similarly, all of my posts are “perspective art forms” of truths I share from my own level of vision/perception, and they are meant to awaken your own intelligence at various levels.
For people who are already awake to these perspectives, it is still a joy to share all of this with them as a form of play.
And every time someone reads and benefits from my content, it gives me encouragement to continue this work.
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Core beliefs and the 4 responses

Core beliefs:
# Is the world real and am I unreal? = Fawn response
# Am I real? and is the world unreal? = Fight response
# Are both me and the world unreal? and only something beyond is real? = Freeze response
# Are the world and me real, everything beyond that is unreal ? = Flight response
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Relationship between knowledge and experience

When, Knowledge > Experience:
The person may tend towards: arrogance, domination, control, imposition of will, conquest, achievement, ambition, demonstration of power.
The negative extreme of this case is “TYRANNY”.
The positive extreme of this case is a “MASTER”.
It is a case where conditioning + acquired knowledge > perception.
This is a stage of judgment, action, and works.
So then the result would be positive or negative depending on the conditioning.
Like most people in society will help a man who has slipped and fallen to stand up.
This is not necessarily because of true perception, but it is the general enculturation internalized knowledge that makes people act that way.

When, Experience > Knowledge:
The person becomes a seeker of knowledge and truth.
The negative extreme of this case is “PSYCHOSIS”.
The positive extreme of this case is a “SAINT/MYSTIC”.
It is the state of the child who learns by context, immersion, intensity, involvement, perfusion.
It is the state of a devotee and contemplation.
Contemplation on questions to ponder and wonder on.
Such a person is open, curious, innocent, and impressionable.
The seeking continues until the necessary awakening happens i.e. until the flowering of higher knowledge/wisdom/intelligence happens.
This is the stage of growth, development, and becoming.

This distinction is not about what is ‘better or worse’ or ‘good or bad’.
Rather, this comparison was only to illuminate the 2 aspects of the flux of existence.
Everyone passes through both these stages of evolution.
We know and do, then we see we don’t know and learn, then again we know and do, and so on.
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What frequency space do you occupy?

All of the infinite frequency potentials are contained in us.
All essence potentials exist in and as us.
When it comes to the manifest frequencies however, the only variation is in degree.

It is like the pictures on your computer screen.
There are a series of RGB LEDs.
Each of these RGB LEDs could emit a color within the following ranges:
Red – 0 to 255
Green – 0 to 255
Blue – 0 to 255
And the picture on the screen is the gestalt holistic perception of the ‘relationship’ of the various LED emissions.
The nature of our experience of life is very similar.
We perceive a relationship between the various frequencies components in our space as ‘experience’ (from subtle to gross).

Frequency = Vibration = Sound.
The manifest universe is the spoken word of Brahman.
So all of experience is our perception/grasp of the picture/music of sound frequencies.
Experience grasped in a blink or moment (the immediate slice, apperception) can be seen as “a picture of frequencies” = Direct apperception without memory.
While experience that is in time is like “the music/movie of frequencies” = Perception that contains memory and projection = Referred to as ‘The Mind’.
(because if there is no memory, then there is no mind)

Now coming back to the question, what is the frequency space you occupy?
To answer this, look at your experience music right now?
We can look at different aspects such as:
What is its intensity, subtlety, fineness or coarseness?
What is your experience, when you drop all efforts and do nothing?
Simply be aware in non-doing and scan the frequencies in your experience.
That gives you an idea about your current basal frequency space and its frequency forms, the context of your space right now.
There is: state and station of experience.
State is what is reached by your efforts.
Station on the other hand is the condition that exists when you are not doing anything.
Now, just like how the measurements from an instrument depend on the subtlety of that instrument itself (like a volt-meter cannot measure millivolts), your perception is conditioned by the subtlety of the instrument itself that you occupy.
So say, you sit down in non-doing, initially, you experience a blank, this is because your perception has not sensitized itself yet.
Like how when you enter a dark room from bright sunlight, suddenly everything is pitch black.
Once perception acclimatizes, you start to see clearly in the dark room.
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Parallels between life and dreams

I have had 1000s of lucid dreams in my life,
Some of my takeaways from these dream experiences are:
# If you control the dream strongly it will fade to black very soon.
Your lightest touch of will/intent/emotion will keep the dream running the longest.
# After it fades to black, you have to just relax into the darkness and stay still, and then after a while the next potential dream emerges out of it.
I have at max gone through 10+ dreams this way.
Where a dream happens – you control it gently – and then it fades to black – you then stay still in the blackness – and the next one emerges and once again you participate – and so on.
Maintaining the thread of awareness through a series of lucid dreams is a subtle art of delicate control that is so much in harmony, that it is almost like non-control.
Similarly it is also possible to lose yourself into a dream if you get too involved and thereby lose your lucidity and get absorbed into its themes, and this would end that series of lucid dreams.

I see many parallels between my waking life and my dream life.
In my everyday life, each time I get up, I am a new person, in a new context, in a new energy space, in a new frame of mind.
I feel pulls in various directions, either external or internal.
Then I respond to the pulls based on conditioning/habits/likes/intentions etc. and then as I give into one of them, I get engaged in various activities/research/exploration/learning/contemplations etc. and then the investment energy gently fades, and then I either subtly shift my theme of activity to another one OR I just go back into the space/womb/ocean of ‘superposition of possibilities/void/chaos of various pull and push pulsating forces(like the ocean water undulations)’.
Then some wind of inspiration EMERGES out of this ‘possibility chaos’ and then rises up like a wave and carries me in its perspective/vision/feelings/quests etc.
And once that wave completes, I once again return to the ‘oceanic chaos of possibilities’.
I feel this is so similar to my dream.
The fading to void is like returning to the “chaos of possibilities”.
And the emerging of the dream is like the waking interests arising in me that move me.

I experience boredom, as a resistance to that state of “primordial chaos of possibilities”.
It is the longing/attachment to inhabit the coherence of a wave moved by the whole ocean vs. just being in a state of aimless undulation moving back and forth in the same place.
This then led me into contemplating further.
What is death really? Is it not the fading of THIS dream?

The whole thing is fractal.
There are cycles within cycles within cycles, and so on.
There is an infinite nesting of contexts.
There are contexts inside contexts inside contexts, and so on.
There is a dream within a dream within a dream, and so on.
My early childhood life, school life, college life, work life etc. were like different dreams, within the larger dream of my identity dream (once I identified myself in the mirror and by name).
I could also divide it as: Childhood, Teenage years, Early adulthood, Middle adulthood etc.
And all of this is coming from my mind DREAMING all of this up RIGHT NOW.
This makes me wonder! What is this great dream we are in?
What am I outside of this dream of my identity?
Am I not the ocean itself? from where this dream of me arose?

Right now, I am riding this dream wave of writing this post.
At the end of this post, this wave would have gone back into the ocean.
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Madness is a distorted mirror

Madness is a distorted mirror.
For someone with a concrete identity, who is clearly identified with a specific structure of human experience and possibility, the mad person does not affect them much.
Because they do not identify with them at all.
We are not affected by things and people we do not identify with.
They see the mad person as totally separate from them.
However, for someone who is highly open, fluid, with vast vision and empathy, who recognizes in himself the potentials of the entire collective human consciousness itself, this witnessing of madness will hurt/pain a lot.
Because, here the deep visionary and empath can recognize himself in the mad person too.
It is like seeing a funky mirror at an amusement park, that distorts your face making your nose super large, eyes and chin super small etc.
For the person with a concrete identity, he just looks at it and flatly denies having anything to do with that reflection, he just says “this is not me”.
But for the deep visionary, it is trickier, because he is not identified with any fixed concrete identity as such, and sees himself with all possibilities of the collective consciousness.
So, when he sees the distorted mirror in the amusement park, he knows that, that is his face, a distorted version version of his original face.
The difference between the concrete person and the visionary is that, the concrete person believes the mad person is totally separate and has nothing to do with him, while the deep empath visionary can see the mad person IS HIM, in a greatly distorted form.
We are not affected by the things in which we cannot see ourselves in.
That is the root of empathy, is it not?
When your identity is sufficiently subtle, you see yourself in and as everyone and everything.

When you are young, you are mirrored in your mother’s and father’s image of you, which becomes your social identity (relational identity, ego).
If they mirror you in a seriously chaotic inconsistent mirror, then that becomes your “social identity/relational identity/ego”.
You are then never sure of your security, desirability, lovability, value etc.
Because the parent’s mad fluctuations keeps changing you from an angel to a devil randomly.
So then you start living in fear/anxiety all the time because you never know what wrong you have done, what punishment you are going to get, what expectation is going to be shoved on you etc.
They then keep you walking on eggshells all the time.
In order to adapt to those mad expectation projections on you from the parents, you have to keeping shaping yourself too accordingly.
So the end-result is, even your structure will mirror the mad parents.
The interesting thing to note here is that, madness at this intra-family level is only related to “inconsistency”.
A consistent interaction pattern no matter what it is, within the family, will be coherence and sanity. It may be totally mad with respect to the outside world however.
That is why the tyrant is a particular adaptation to madness, where he creates some arbitrary pattern and then stays ultra consistent in his investment to that, forcing others to abide by the same too, punishing them whenever they don’t.
A second adaptation to tolerate madness would be, to completely sacrifice yourself to the other and always changing yourself to match and harmonize with the changing random moods of the mad person.
The third adaptation I can think of is to completely isolate yourself, so that the self-other “painful difficult dynamic” can be totally avoided.
These 3 types of adaptation are essentially the: fight, fawn, flight responses.
If nothing works, and you are stuck in a inescapable situation, then the freeze response happens, where you lose consciousness of the entire self-other dynamic and float away in some out of body dissociated state.
At the societal level, the macrocosm mirrors the microcosm, that is:
The 4 categories of fight/fawn/flight/freeze form:
tyrants/followers/outcasts/hermits

The insight I get is: “People see me as they are, not as I am”.
But then it is also true that: “What I know as myself is only the internalized reflections from others”.
Because one cannot know oneself any more than a candle flame can burn itself.
So this is part of the “self-other” interdependent matrix.
Disharmony/Distortion/Projection = madness —vs— Harmony/Clarity/Independence = Sanity
Madness is always relative.
It is the discordant note in the symphony.
If you were born in a mad family, then the structures that you form mirror that circumstance and outcast/separate you too.
The same can be said about the parents themselves.
Maybe they themselves were the effect of mad circumstances.
So in this way, madness propagates itself in the genetic chain.

The way I deal with madness is, I work to transcend it.
By understanding the higher laws/dharma/truths beyond the madness, I work from that footing on fixing the madness in me and others.