Passing through various selves

Earth is a realm, not a defined place. It is like a particular dream-scape.
I also see that all enjoyment comes from the desire of the soul.
This desire then mobilizes us -> towards its actualization in this plane.
The desires of the soul themselves are given to the soul by a subtler higher power.
Without desires, a soul is dry. The soul (individualized consciousness) then dies into the larger self.
Awareness fades, along with fading desires.
Awareness/focus is maintained by desire only.
The greatest focus/memory/power is available when one is conduiting one’s highest desire.
This greatest desire present mobilizes/utilizes all resources (memory, intelligence, action) towards its actualization.
There is always a highest desire present at every moment (notice it).
This highest desire keeps changing/evolving too, at every moment.
The very very subtle desires tend to stay more constant, just like the scenery at horizon slowly moving as you look out of the window of a fast train.
To find your truest self is to find the subtlest/deepest/most pervasive self that is almost (tends to ->) unchanging.
Is there such an unchanging self? It is a journey of [tends to] -> infinity.
So as we delve into what is unchanging relatively in the spectrum present in the screen of consciousness:
(gross) Changing ————–|self 4|———|self 3|—–|self 2|——|self 1|—- Unchanging (subtle)
Self 1 might be the self that is the oversoul
Self 2 might be your spirit force (spanning many realms)
Self 3 might be your individualized soul
Self 4 might be your ego identity structure in this earth realm
And so on…
The point to note here is that, all selves exist and operate together, one superimposed on the other.
The gross selves superimpose themselves over the subtle selves and are more limited and coarser than the subtler ones.
So we go through varying degrees of dissolution to reach higher selves/higher realities.
For example: If self 4(ego) dissolutes, we reach self 3(individualized soul)….and so on.
So we can assume that after every death of a grosser self, a subtler self is present behind it.
It might also be the case that we are veiled from the subtler selves.
Which means, it would not be possible to even feel the presence of the subtler self in your grosser self state.
So if you dissolute self 4, you may encounter a blank nothing/wall/abyss in the veil until you fully pass through it and only then will the awareness of self 3 be available to you.

About humiliation, despair, defeat

Humiliation/powerlessness/total defeat/despair is from the ego’s point of view.
From the enlightened point of view, it is a process of dissolution of what is false anyway, the ego.
So from the fading “false point of view” it looks like a nightmare.
But from the point of view of the TRUTH, this process is the very passage/medicine that will take you to freedom.

What is the use of holding on to memories of suffering?

Approach 1:
Holding on to past hurts.
Its like you are holding on to hurt, and then building a defense to prevent someone from doing it again.
Aggression is also a preemptive form of defense ultimately.
Approach 2:
Another option is to let go of the hurt from your energy, forget it like it never happened, and then there is a possibility of it happening again.
Imagine this possibility does happen, and someone does hurt you again.

Approach 1 is ludicrous. Even if the other person cannot hurt you because of your defense, you are hurt ALL THE TIME since you are holding on to it all the time.
Its like you are saying, I am already completely hurt, so its impossible for you to hurt me.
That may give a feeling of false power (from ignorance of the real reality), since now the other CANNOT hurt you.

Our vulnerability to others creates the potential for us to feel the greatest humiliation of being negatively AFFECTED.
But our vulnerability also opens us to feel profoundly positively affected too.
In the case of hurt, it is negative affect.
To avoid this negative affect from others, because of maybe having being burnt real bad too many times, we may decide to seal off all others as an act of severe rebellion and retaliation.
This decision looks like the perfect one from the ego’s perspective considering the sheer unfairness and humiliation it had to go through.
The ego needs to be given compassion for whatever it endured.
But the inner mechanics really reveal the disastrous effects of this decision.
Firstly, there is a VENGEANCE charge about maintaining your separation/dissociation with others.
This vengeance charge is ultimately coming from the intensity of the hurt you underwent.
So the vengeance extends its charge in time, which means its concomitant hurt is carried in your body too. This is because, if you stopped holding on to the hurt, and dropped that memory and allowed yourself to simply forget about it from your whole being, then it would be impossible to have a vengeance charge at all.
The vengeance charge needs the hurt to be held on in its ripe form.
So in this design, you are continuously experiencing hurt in your body all the time and you are continuously discharging the vengeance charge too on whoever comes close to you. Whatever form the vengeance may take, either aggression or total dissociation.
Its like a person who set his whole body ablaze continuously, so that nobody can burn him again. Well, he is already burning everywhere! So he has lost pounds for the pennies he would get when he watches someone try to attack him and fail.
Its like:
“Hurt begets hurt”.
“Hurting people hurt others”.
Another mechanic here, is that, if you have so much vengeance, you will look for a target to unleash it upon, because else the vengeance cannot maintain itself. So it will find a series of abusive relationships and live through them.
So this hurt+vengeance package tries to justify its existence by ATTRACTING environments that necessitate its need.
So now you have a double whammy, you also tend to attract the same traumatizing circumstances again and again so that you can unleash your vengeance.
But you cannot fight fire with fire. It just perpetuates itself.
This is a very complex conundrum.
It is important to feel compassion for all that you have been through in the hands of horrible people.
But, “Forgiving and Forgetting” seems to be the only SANE choice in the light of all the mechanics of what can follow if we choose to hold on to hurt and unleash vengeance/bitterness/contempt/anger.